ENOUGH LUPICA!

Comedy Of Error

2010-08-30T10:06:00.002-04:00

In yesterday's piece of crap article, Lupica's hatred for the Yankees came shining through. Check out this shit...

The Yankees were 13-14 over a month of baseball that ended with Friday night's sparkling performance against the White Sox, and when you play that kind of dreary baseball over this long a period, you get people wondering if you're still the $200 million odds-on favorite to repeat.

Over the last two months, here are the two teams from which our kids have won series:

Mariners. Tigers.

How funny. The little twerp said two months instead of two weeks.

In reality, the Yankees have gone 32-22 in the last two months, winning 10 series against the following teams:

Toronto
Oakland
Seattle
Tampa Bay
Kansas City
Cleveland
Kansas City
Detroit
Seattle
Chicago

Hmm...I wonder how the Mets did during that span?

The Mets have gone 22-32 in the last two months, going from 2nd place to 4th place, winning 5 series against the following teams:

St. Louis
Colorado
Houston
Pittsburgh
Houston

Good stuff!

Little douche boy should consider proof reading.

At least he got his "$200 million" into the article...for the 200 millionth time.

Sabathia Is No Beckett!

2010-06-16T10:28:00.002-04:00

So Sabathia beat the Phillies last night, which means Lupica had to throw out his pre-written article about how great Halladay is, and how he owns the Yankees.

I guess that's why he wrote a nasty article about Sabathia.

Oh wait, Lupica hates the Yankees! He would never write a good article about them!

Let's take a look at some of the crap he shits out on Sabathia.

"Sabathia has rarely had his best stuff this season"

"Now Sabathia just looks big"

"Sabathia managed to get his seventh win of this season"

"Sabathia just being a little off his game, again"

"They can get to first place with Sabathia pitching only marginally better than Javy Vazquez"

"Not great Tuesday night. Just good enough"

"Still not the ace of the staff"

Here are Sabathia's stats from last night.

IP: 7
ER: 3
Hits: 5
BB: 3
SO: 7

NOW…Let's compare those stats to THIS game from a non-Yankee pitcher…

IP: 8
ER: 3
Hits: 6
BB: 1
SO: 5

And let's see what the mini douche wrote about that performance…

"He was the real story of this game"

"This is the kind of pitcher the Mets hope Johan Santana can be"

"This was the kind of game that big pitchers are supposed to win for their teams"

"Was the ace everybody wants, the one who stands there and says he is going to throw it about 95 miles per hour for the next three hours or so, dig in, see if you can hit it"

Guess who he was writing about - you got it - Josh Beckett, checking out of that 4/17/08 game with a 5.12 ERA.

Cano Sucks!!!

2010-05-03T16:26:00.004-04:00

So let's see…Robinson Cano is playing like a madman…leave it to a douche like Lupica to rain on his parade!

So you know: Through Friday night's games Austin Jackson - the kid the Yankees traded away for Curtis Granderson - was hitting .350 for the Tigers and had two more hits for the season than Robinson Cano does.

Lupica was on the right track. If anything, he could have ripped the Yankees for trading Austin Jackson away for Curtis Granderson. Certainly, Austin Jackson is doing awesome, and Granderson, other than lighting up Papelbon, really hasn't done much at the plate.

But why let logic get in the way of Yankee bashing?

At a time when Cano is supposed to be the hottest guy in the world and MVP of everything.

I can't believe I have to waste my time looking up the stats of these two players to make Lupica look like an ass.

Again.

Christ…it took me about 25 seconds to collect these stats…25 seconds I'll never get back!!!

Damn you, Lupica!!!

Jackson stats:
AB - 109
BA - .367
Hits - 40
2B - 7
3B - 2
HR - 1
RBI - 8
BB - 10
K's - 34
OBP - .420
SLG - .495
OPS+ - 146

Cano stats:
AB - 93
BA - .387
Hits - 36
2B - 6
3B - 1
HR - 9
RBI - 21
BB - 8
K's - 12
OBP - .433
SLG - .763
OPS+ - 223

So, what have we learned? Other than Lupica, once again, is cherry picking stats to prove his worthless point?

Austin Jackson has 4 more hits (by May 3rd) than Cano…in sixteen more at bats!!! Give me a fucking break, Mike! Cano leads the league in OPS+!!! Jackson leads the league in strike outs! Look at the home runs!!! Jesus fucking Christ!!! *(&)#Q)(*#@&!!!!11!!!!

Cano isn't supposed to be the hottest guy in the world!!! Obviously, Jose Reyes is!

Speaking of Lupica's inflatable sex toy...

Reyes stats:
BA - .216
HR - 0
SB - 4
RBI - 6
OPS+ - 51

I mean, who really gives a shit about the rest...oh, except Lupica, who claims that Reyes "is the one you want to watch the most"

Please.

And now it's time for more Shits And Giggles!!!

Lupica December 17th column headline - "Champion New York Yankees fall to second place behind Boston Red Sox in arms race"

Yankees team ERA - 3.63 - 4th in AL
Red Sox team ERA - 4.78 - 12th in AL

Oops!

Lupica Loves That Jose Reyes

2010-04-26T13:07:00.004-04:00

Holy crap. Lupica is back, once again, on Reyes' jock. Can he make it any more obvious that he wants to get in bed with Jose? I mean, really…take a look at this…

But even now, as Reyes rolls over on his back...

Um…ewww?

…and begins to stretch legs…

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

that change everything for the Mets when they are healthy, the shortstop is the one you want to watch the most.

I've actually been tuning in to more Mets games this season…for one reason - Ike Davis.

Even now, almost three hours before the game starts, he smiles and laughs at something Alex Cora says to him in Spanish and reminds you of a kid waiting for recess to start.

Is Lupica saying that Reyes can't wait to get out of Citi Field?

That's how I read it.

This is comedy…look at how Lupica turns into the most nauseating Met Apologist of all time…

Met Apologist: Wright looks as if he is ready to make some noise at the plate.

Reality: Wright is not making any noise at the plate. Only 3 players in the MLB have more strike outs.

Met Apologist: Jeff Francoeur keeps hitting balls that would be homers in other parks.

Reality: Jeff Francouer can't hit a home run at home.

Met Apologist: Reyes made you watch him all over again this week, made you remember that it is almost a year since the kid at shortstop was in the middle of everything for the New York Mets.

Reality: Reyes is hitting .242 with an OPS+ of 78.

The spin doctor is in!

Moving on…remember when Lupica said this about Carlos Beltran?

You think Carlos Beltran, even at $100 million, is looking like more and more of a bargain to the pinstripers? - 4/8/2007

So what do you think he had to say about Beltran in yesterday's shitty column?

He has turned out to be a bad contract for the Mets

HAHA what a douche.

But of course, we can't get through a Lupica article without some quality Yankee bashing…

I keep hearing about all this pop in (Nick) Johnson's bat, and maybe we'll see it before too long.

They're nearly hysterical about David Ortiz's batting average in Boston, and the Yankees had a designated hitter with a batting average of a buck-twenty coming into this weekend.

The funny thing is, and every Yankee fan knows it, is that the Yankees got Nick Johnson for his ON BASE PERCENTAGE, not his home runs, you dopey little dwarf. Who the hell is talking about the "pop" in Nick Johnson's bat?

Where is the pop in Jose Reyes' bat?

How about $66 million, ZERO home runs Jason Bay?

Come on, Mike! I can do this in my sleep! At least make it challenging!

Mark Teixeira's concern for Bobby Wilson after that collision at the plate Friday night must have started right after he practically had to step over Wilson to get back to the dugout.

Teixeira is such a rude bastard…how dare he not give the poor guy a hug after that collision!

You know I'm a glass half-full guy

You are just a ray of sunshine on the Yankees. Really.

so on Friday night I was just happy to see Teixeira hit anything.

2010 Mets = 3rd highest payroll in the NL…

…and 2nd worst batting average in the NL.

Lupica comedy. Gotta love it.

Blurbs from "Shitting From The Lip"

2010-04-18T08:57:00.002-04:00

So here we are, two weeks into the season, and the Yankees are in cruise control, winning their first four series against REAL teams - the Red Sox, Rays, Angels, and the Rangers.

Mike's "Dream Team", the Mets, have lost 3 of their 4 series, with a chance to lose their fourth tonight...losing to such power houses as the Nationals and the Marlins...sitting in last place in their division, with the 3rd highest payroll in the NL.

And once again, Mike refuses to mention the Mets payroll. Does anyone remember the last time he cried about their payroll?

Nothing seems to change, between the Mets sucking and Mike not saying anything about their payroll.

Here are some stupid Lupica blurbs from today's shit article...

Nice to see the luxury suites at Yankee Stadium on Opening Day no longer looking like the view of the Pacific from Malibu.

2010 Yankees average attendance per game - 44,699, 1st in the AL
2010 Mets average attendance per game - 33,477, 9th in the NL

And just for laughs...

2009 Yankees attendance - 3,674,495
2009 Mets attendance - 3,154,270

When Bernie Williams bounced that ceremonial first pitch in front of home plate the other day, it was my friend George King who mentioned in the press box that Bernie was throwing as well now as when he was 23.

Haha! I get it! Bernie never had a good arm!

Say, how's Carlos Beltran looking these days out in centerfield?

You do wonder sometimes if the Mets left base-running school a few credits shy of graduation.

Base-running school? This is why the Mets are 4-7? Because of of lack of base running skills?

How about hitting school? The Mets are 14th in the NL in batting average.

How about hitting with RISP school? The Mets are batting .163 w/RISP.

On base percentage? Mets are 12th in the NL.

Slugging? Mets are 15th in the NL. Ouch.

OPS? 15th in the NL.

This is all with the 3rd highest payroll in the NL.

The Mets are a joke...and Mike is a tool for not writing a weekly article about it, like he does with the Yankees payroll.

More payroll fun!

2010-04-14T12:55:00.003-04:00

We all know about Lupica's obsession with the Yankees payroll. He was even kind enough to remind us how much the Yankees have spent since the Yankees last won the world series on a yearly basis.

Now that the Yankees have won the world series, maybe he can inform us how much the Mets have spent since they last won the world series!

Don't hold your breath. It won't happen.

But, since I hate the Mets, and Lupica, I did some research...the Mets have spent $1,597,000,000 since 1986!

$1.6 BILLION.

Suck on that, Lupica.

Some of my favorite Lupica quotes

2010-04-14T11:49:00.002-04:00

In the first week of March, there is nothing better than turning on the television in the afternoon and seeing Reyes at the plate - 3/4/2007

Jose Reyes Sept/Oct stats
2007 - .205 BA, .279 OBP, .333 SLG
2008 - .243 BA, .314 OBP, .402 SLG
2009 - bruised vagina - did not play

The Mets will draw as big as the Yankees draw when both new parks are open - 4/8/07

Mets attendance 2009 - 3,154,270
Yankees attendance 2009 - 3,674,495

Maybe somebody needs to tell Tom Coughlin that he has absolutely no chance of keeping his job, and that bringing him back was the dumbest idea since "Temptation Island." - 10/7/2007

The Giants are Super Bowl champions four months later.

The Yankees are ready to break the bank for Johan Santana and thereby go against all the data on signing starting pitchers to longterm deals. - 12/2/2007

Mets sign Santana; out the last six weeks of the 2009 season with an injury.

…Santana, the one the Mets finally got for a bag of balls… - 2/24/2008

Mets give Santana a $151 million contract.

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer. - 5/19/2008

Billy Wagner stats
Career 10.32 post season ERA
2008 - seven blown saves, injured for 8 weeks
2009 - traded

Do you know who I am!? - 7/14/2008

Trying to get past security at the all star game.

The Mets are 14-9 now under Manuel, a good manager and a good man worth rooting for - 7/17/08

2008 - epic collapse to the Marlins, over $115 million payroll difference
2009 - fourth place finish with $149 million payroll, highest in the NL

I do love it when the Yankees act surprised, and sometimes nearly get the vapors, when aging players start to break down on them. - 7/19/2008

2009 - Mets players spent more than 1,480 days on the disabled list, more than any other team.

Same shit, different season.

2010-04-12T16:52:00.005-04:00

So Lupica has to start his blurbs with, of course, a Yankee payroll diss!

I love it when I hear the Red Sox are "inching" up on the Yankees in payroll now that they're within $40 million.

Right.

It's practically first-and-goal!

Ha! First and goal! I get it! Except...that's a football phrase. So it doesn't really work, Mike.

How about "They're in the same ballpark!"

Oh wait, that doesn't show any anti-Yankee bias.

Oh well.

Imagine they were, say, $70 million apart...or even $77 million apart!

Like the Mets...and the Nationals...or the Marlins!

Ouch! 2-4 against two of the worst teams in baseball! At home!

C'mon, Mike! Give us the scoop!

Joe West has never been any kind of huggy bear in baseball, and he got jumped pretty good for saying that the Yankees and Red Sox play ridiculously long games.
But you know what?

The Red Sox and Yankees play ridiculously, stupidly long games, occasionally nine-inning games that don't just push four hours but go past five.

Occasionally past five hours?

Since 2000, the Yankees and Red Sox have played each other 183 times.

How many times do you think one of their 9 inning games made it over 5 hours?

Try...zero! Nice job, Mike!

And just for shit and giggles, out of those 183 games, how many do you think made it over 4 hours? Including extra inning games?

Twelve. That's right, only twelve.

How many were UNDER three hours?

Forty two!

So suck on it, Joe West.

And Mike, well, you're just a douche.

By the way, anyone remember in early 2007, when there was talk that George Steinbrenner was going to step down as the owner of the Yankees?

This is what the little douche wrote about it...

...if it is a member of the Steinbrenner family who eventually has the final say around the Yankees, no one knows if they will turn out to be some kind of first-rate sportsman and businessman.

Or if the Yankees might end up with their very own Dolan.

Since then, the Yankees have won the world series.

There is only one team in New York that has owners comparable to Dolan...the Mets.

I've been waiting three fucking years for Lupica to make that comparison.

Please. We know it will never happen.

Did Lupica even watch the game?

2009-10-29T19:44:00.002-04:00

"That was cool," Lee said...having fun with a night like this in the World Series because if you'd pitched like this against Jeter and Damon and Teixeira and A-Rod, so would you.

Jeter stats, Game 1:
4 AB, 2 singles, 1 double, 1 run scored.

Ummmm....duh?

Word Count on Today's Lupica Article.

2009-10-27T12:24:00.002-04:00

How many times in today's article can Lupica hammer the fact that the Yankees have a high payroll?

Word Count:

Money = 8
Spend = 7
Spent = 3
Payroll = 4
$200 Million = 1

Mitch Williams, You Dumb Shit.

2009-10-27T11:49:00.004-04:00

OK sorry for taking so long to post in here. Get over it.

So I was listening to Boomer and Carton this morning, and they had baseball "genius" Mitch Williams on. Remember Mitch Williams? His claim to fame is SUCKING in the 1993 world series.

Just in case you forgot - 2.2IP, SIX earned runs, and two losses. Yes, he was a closer, as in, closing the door on the Phillies hopes of winning the 1993 world series.

So our buddy Mitch has moved on from destroying the Phillies dreams to destroying his credibility as a baseball analyst. He was telling Boomer and Carton how Jimmy Rollins is much better than Jeter in offense. Carton said "how can you say that?" and Mitch replied "I looked at their numbers!"

OK dumb ass, lets take a look at their numbers, shall we?

Jeter:
107 R, 212 H, 27 2B, 1 3B, 18 HR, 66 RBI, 30 SB, .334 BA, .406 OBP, .465 SLG, 129 OPS+

Rollins:
100 R, 168 H, 43 2B, 5 3B, 21 HR, 77 RBI, 31 SB, .250 BA, .296 OBP, .423 SLG, 85 OPS+

Um, what the fuck numbers were you looking at? Rollins owns Jeter in doubles and triples. Yay. He must have been ignoring the irrelevant stats, like batting average, on base percentage, OPS+...

Don't you have some series ending home runs to be giving up somewhere, Mitch?

Another fucking idiot owned.

A Christmas Present for ReyesDaMan!!

2008-12-26T11:40:00.002-05:00

Just because he made some yappy comment about how "The Yankees are all hype and no substance."

So why don't we go position by position here... and obviously, teams aren't finalized yet. But this is just for fun. And I'll make some guesses when I feel confident.

Catchers - Jorge Posada and Jose Molina vs. Brian Schneider and Ramon Castro

Posada, even coming off surgery, is by far, the best offensive player here. Molina is the best defensive guy here. Castro is the better catcher on the Mets, and he doesn't even start.

Advantage - Yankees.

First Base - Mark Teixeira vs. Carlos Delgado

Teixeira is the second best player at his position in the game (behind Pujols). Delgado is like... the second oldest player at his position. Aside from a fluky month and a half... where Delgado hit like Bonds (and was probably taking some form of drug), Carlos was a complete stiff.

Advantage - Yankees.

Second Base - Robinson Cano vs. Luis Castillo

Cano is in his early 20's, coming off a bad year. Castillo is in his mid-30's, coming off a worse year. And he walks with a limp. And he's supposed to be a speedster. And barring a rules-change, you still can't steal first base.

Advantage - Yankees.

Third Base - Alex Rodriguez vs. David Wright

David Wright is the best third baseman in the NL. There's no doubt about that. Sadly for him, Alex Rodriguez is a 3-time MVP, and one of the top 3 players in the entire game. A-Rod outdoes Wright on offense and defense.

Advantage - Yankees.

Shortstop - Derek Jeter vs. Jose Reyes

Yankee fans are going to jump straight up my ass about this, but I'm going to be honest here. Jeter's aging. And I'm not the type to salivate over his calm eyes and intangibles. I'm a stats guy. Reyes has better stats. He loses points for being an immature hot dog though. And everybody knows you can't get a hot dog at Shea in October.

Advantage - Mets

Left Field - Johnny Damon/Hideki Matsui/Manny Ramirez vs. Fernando Tatis?

As it stands, Damon and Matsui are better, more proven, and probably equally defensively inept to Tatis. In the event that Manny ends up in the Bronx, this becomes an even more ridiculous advantage. Tatis had a fluky couple of months before getting hurt. He hasn't been even decent in about 10 years.

Advantage - Yankees.

Center Field - Melky Cabrera/Brett Gardner/Nick Swisher vs. Carlos Beltran.

Although, if Manny comes to the Bronx, Damon will shift to Center. Regardless, Beltran is one of the 3 best defensive CFs in the game. And he's capable if not overwhelming on offense. He's better than anybody the Yanks will stick in Center this year.

Advantage - Mets.

Right Field - Xavier Nady vs. Ryan Church

Nady went for 25 homers and 97 rbi last year between Pittsburgh and the Yanks. Church was surprisingly better than decent for the Mets, except for those repeated concussions. Church is better on defense. Nady is probably better on offense. Neither one has fully proven themselves.

Advantage - Even.

Starting Pitching - Sabathia, Wang, Burnett, Chamberlain & Hughes

vs. Santana, Maine, Pelfrey, Niese... and... Oliver Perez! Or Derek Lowe.

Do we need to get in-depth about this? You can argue all you want about Santana vs. Sabathia... but after that, it's all Yankees. Wang, Burnett and Chamberlain are so much better than Maine, Pelfrey and any of those other four names... that it's not debatable. And whether the Mets get Lowe or Perez, again... this isn't even close.

Advantage: Yankees.

Bullpens: Jose Veras, Brian Bruney, Edwar Ramirez, Damaso Marte, Phil Coke vs. J.J. Putz, Dr. Von Heimlich, Gag Me Sidearm, and the Chokin' Twins.

Point is... the Yanks bullpen was solid last year. Actually a little better than solid.

The Mets pen was the worst in baseball. I don't have stats to prove this. But does anybody want to argue about it? What? No? Mmkay. Putz is the only significant new piece.

Advantage: Yankees.

Closers: Mariano Rivera vs. Francisco Rodriguez

Mo's coming off surgery and says he'll be fine. He's up there in age, but he's coming off a good year. Rodriguez set the saves record last year. His velocity was down for most of the season. And he allows a ton of baserunners. Paired with some suspect defense, those baserunners could be dangerous for the Metsies. But we'll see.

Advantage: Even.

So in closing... the score is 7-2 for the Yankees. Which could also very easily be the final score of every game the Yankees play against the Mets in the coming season. Especially when the Yankees get Manny.

Merry Christmas - from Santa's Smug Elf!

2008-12-24T12:22:00.002-05:00

What are the sheer odds? Walking by the Oompa Loompa Display at the Stamford Mall, I found a crumpled handwritten piece of paper and picked it up – imagine my shock when I realized I’d actually stumbled upon Limpicock’s Christmas List!

Dearest Santa:

Have you lost weight? You look fabulous, and I LOVE that red suit! Just curious here – you also have red socks?

Now down to business - for Christmas, I want:

1 - Shoe lifts;

2 - The ability to access information quickly so I can try this new approach to writing called “research” – maybe some type of connection that allows my PC to gather information from reliable sources instantly, giving me an almost unlimited ability to better do my job (I know, I’m living in a crazy dream-world, but SOME day) …, wait, scratch that – I don’t care to do a better job;

3 - Shoe lifts;

4 - More readers who hate New York sports in general (and the Yankees specifically), and are mindlessly willing to suspend reality in order to see my views;

5 - an industrial drum of Astro-Glide for when Omar comes over;

6 – a larger soapbox to preach from (people walk by and ask me how much for the lemonade - I HATE that!);

7 – surgery to make my face just a little more smug;

8 – shoe lifts;

9 – a breakout year from: Beltran (to FINALLY bat over .285 since becoming a Met), Reyes (to FINALLY bat over .300 since coming to the majors), and I really want Wright to get rbi’s that mean something;

9 – a weekend getaway at Imus’s ranch for me and the Wilpons (better have some more Astro-Glide waiting there, too … oh wait, never mind – Imus gets it at a discount);

Listen Claus, I’ve been a very smug little boy this year and fully expect you to come thru for me,

Mikey

PS – don’t know if you get news up in the North Pole, but the Yankees have just spent almost half a billion dollars this winter and (obviously) have the highest payroll in baseball – just thought you should know. What do you mean, it’s actually $425 million over various extended periods of time, and that stating it that way is deceiving? You …, you’re QUESTIONING ME??!! You fat bastard, do you know who I am?? I’ll rip that beard off your face and jam it up your … sorry – I lost it there for a second.

Lupica Cancels The Super Bowl

2008-12-17T20:36:00.002-05:00

Sorry boys and girls, according to Mike Lupica, NO ONE will be winning the Superbowl this season.

Cancel the rest of the games.

If (the Giants) lose to the Panthers at home Sunday night that makes it three losses in a row. And you know how many teams have lost three in a row in December and then gone on to win the Super Bowl? None, that's how many.

None.

That’s how many.

Since it’s never happened, that means it never will, according to sports “expert” Mike Lupica.

Using "LupiLogic," let’s see why no one else will win the super bowl this season…

The following teams have never won the super bowl, and thus, never will:

Buffalo Bills
Cleveland Browns
Cincinnati Bengals
Tennessee Titans
Houston Texans
Jacksonville Jaguars
San Diego Chargers
Philadelphia Eagles
Minnesota Vikings
Detroit Lions
Carolina Panthers
Atlanta Falcons
New Orleans Saints
Arizona Cardinals
Seattle Seahawks

Let’s see who else will be left out of the Superbowl this season…

The Patriots never won a Superbowl without Tom Brady, never will.

The Jets never won a Superbowl since they moved to Giants Stadium, never will.

The Dolphins never won a Superbowl without Don Shula, never will.

The Steelers have a black football coach not named Tony Dungy – you know how many black football coaches not named Tony Dungy have won the Superbowl? None, that’s how many.

The Ravens never won a Superbowl with a rookie QB, never will.

The Colts never won a Superbowl with Reggie Wayne being their lead receiver, never will.

The Broncos never won a Superbowl with six losses during the regular season, never will.

The Chiefs have Herm Edwards - he never won it all, never will.

The Cowboys? Tony Romo can’t win a playoff game, never will.

You get the idea.

Let’s hope the Giants can win this weekend, so they can go on and win the Superbowl.

Too bad there won’t be any team to oppose them.

Newsflash!!! Mets and Yankees Acquire Babe Ruth, Cloned from DNA!!

2008-12-16T10:34:00.003-05:00

And our best friend, Mike Lupica, was blessed with the opportunity to cover both deals! But lets run you over the details of each deal first.

Yankees get: New Babe Ruth, Cloned from DNA of Old Babe Ruth, age 25.

Red Sox get: Alfredo Aceves, Brett Gardner, Ian Kennedy, Mark Melancon & $20 Million Dollars.

Yankees sign New Babe Ruth to a 10-year contract extension worth $250 Million.

Mike Lupica's Coverage:

Theo Epstein, again, proves what an amazing general manager that he is, by fleecing a boatload of cash and four of the best Yankee prospects of the last 20 years out of Brian Cashman.

The Yankees offered fists-full of money for a guy who's not proven, who might well buckle under the pressure of playing baseball in New York. Who knows how Babe Ruth will respond to the media and the rigors of playing in New York City? Certainly not Cashman, who commits too many years, and too many dollars to a guy who's probably overrated.

And moreso, how does Cashman explain it to his spoiled fans, when Gardner turns out to be Bernie Williams? And when Kennedy and Aceves morph into Pettitte and Mussina? And best of all, if Melancon becomes the next great closer in baseball?

The Yankees have thrown away their future because they're desperate to get young, to get the big name, even if it comes with a big body. An overweight outfielder who's behavior off the field will never be as good as on it.

For Cashman's sake, he'd better hope those prospects are typical "Yankee Prospects." You know, the ones everybody loves until it's time to bring them up to The Show.

And now for the Mets deal:

Mets get: New Babe Ruth, Cloned from DNA of Old Babe Ruth, age 25.

Phillies get: Mike Pelfrey, Fernando Martinez, Daniel Murphy, Jon Niese, Nick Evans & $30 Million Dollars.

Mets sign New Babe Ruth to a 15-year contract extension worth $500 Million.

Mike Lupica's Coverage:

This was a deal the Mets had to make. Ruth is a big man who's ready for the big city. In fact, there's no other city big enough for him. The biggest thing about this kid is his talent. He solves so many problems for the New Mets, giving them a big bat in the outfield and an extra large persona inside the clubhouse. And the biggest thing of all for the big kid that's heading to Flushing, is the big hits he'll produce in the clutch.

People might say that the Mets gave up too much, or paid too much, or tried to hard, but there's just no way Omar Minaya could let this opportunity pass him bye. This changes everything for the Mets, who show that they won't back down from anybody.

Hot Stove = Steaming Pile of Lupishit

2008-12-15T13:24:00.004-05:00

Now that we are in the thick of the hot stove season, Lupica is doing his annual rant about the Yankees overspending for free agents.

I just wanted to take this moment to look back at all the shit that Lupica wrote about Santana last year.

Remember when everyone thought the Yankees were going to get Santana? This is what Lupica wrote:

They're ready to break the bank for Johan Santana and thereby go against all the data on signing starting pitchers to longterm deals.

And this:

Why won't Santana break down sometime during the length of his contract?

And this:

Put me down as somebody who thinks that Johan Santana is a wonderful pitcher, but not the second coming of Sandy Koufax and not somebody I would pay $150 million on a bet.

So, since the Yankees were about to get Santana, Lupica immediately started slamming the deal.

Then, after the Yankees had no intentions of giving up their future for Santana, the Mets stepped in and made the trade for him.

Look how fast Lupica changed his tune:

The Mets finally showed up for the baseball winter, beat the Yankees and the Red Sox to Santana

Yes, the Mets "beat" the Yankees to Santana…

And this:

This is one deal the Mets have to close.

Suddenly, he goes from "don't sign a pitcher to a long term deal!" to "Mr. Wilpon, I'll wear that cute little French maid number if you get Johan!"

…it is going to cost between $110 million and $120 million in the end…

And, as we all know, it cost $31 to $41 million more than Lupica predicted, and $1 million more than Lupica would have paid on a bet, whatever the fuck that means.

I'm just bringing this all up now, because for the entire 2009 season, no matter how good Sabathia does, we are going to hear about how much the Yankees overpaid for him, and I wanted to remind you how quickly Lupica switched gears about Santana once the Mets made the trade for him.

Let's move on to all the bullshit Lupica wrote in the last few days, starting with the K Rod free agent signing…

There is no binding deal, yet, or physical, but the Mets get the guy they want now, before the Yankees get the big guy they want, which means CC Sabathia, who is big in all ways.

Mike Lupica, who, in a pinch, could take a bath in a thimble, is making fun of Sabathia's size.

Irony - gotta love it.

You can look at it this way: If Frankie Rodriguez is the Mets closer in the 2006 National League Championship Series, the Mets go all the way to the World Series.

When he had his very best chance on a team good enough to win it all - the 2002 Angels, before he was the Angels' closer - he was all you could ever want.

That's pretty impressive. Unfortunately, that was also SEVEN seasons ago.

K Rod's post season stats since he became the permanent closer for the Angels in 2005:

Since 2005:

8.3IP, 8Ks, 6BBs, 13 hits, 5.40 ERA

How about the last two post seasons?

2.7IP, 3Ks, 3BBs, 6 hits, 13.48 ERA

Um…ouch?

I guess Mike was too busy fellating Omar Minaya to look at K Rod's stats past 2002.

Next up, the CC Sabathia free agent signing…

No matter what kind of Christmas story the Yankees try to write on CC Sabathia, this has to be the first time in all recorded sports history that a team practically had to beg somebody to take an offer of $161 million

Sabathia said he wanted to go to the west coast and stay in the NL - did you think lowballing the guy would have been a better plan?

The Yankees did what they had to do with Sabathia: Money-whipped the guy they decided they absolutely had to have.

Correct - they had to overpay for a guy they had to have.

He is also not the pitcher that Santana is, Santana being a guy who probably would have pitched the Yankees into October last season

Just like he pitched the Mets into October last season?

It is also worth mentioning Sabathia has about the same postseason record as Chien-Ming Wang.

Post season records:
Wang - 1-3
Sabathia - 2-3

And, just for fun:
Santana - 1-4

Wow, look how bad everything gets when you cherry pick stats.

Maybe CC Sabathia, who is young and has the arm and carried the Brewers on his back in August and September, will turn out to be the guy who puts the Yankees back on top after so many other free agents and superstars did not. Jason Giambi (remember the Yankees bidding against themselves on him?) wasn't and Mike Mussina wasn't and Roger Clemens wasn't the second time around and neither was Randy Johnson. A-Rod sure hasn't been.

Hold the phone, Mike.

Has Pedro? No.

Has Santana? No.

Please, the Mets couldn't even reach the postseason with him.

When was the last time a SINGLE PLAYER "carried" him team to a world series title? When the Yankees had their dynasty in the '90s, who was the one player who carried the team? Jeter? O'Neill? Tino? Rivera?

Let me know when it happens, because it hasn't yet.

Nice job singling out ARod there. I guess two MVP awards in 5 years means you are worthless.

Next up, Lupica wrote some shit about the Yankees trying to get more financing for the new stadium. I don't really understand this shit, so I'll let Brian W from Brooklyn sum it up…

Mr. Lupica-

So, in a week during which the Wilpons and their partners found out that a. Citibank might not be able to pony up for "Citifield" naming rights due to bankruptcy and b. they had been swindled out of half a billion dollars, the Yankees are a fiscal blight. Got it! Save us all the trouble of reading your gibberish. Just write "I HATE THE YANKEES" in the biggest size font possible.

Missed where you were an expert on finance or economics, but when has the fact that you know nothing ever stopped you? May be you could've left your Connecticut mansion and found out that Mr. Madoff was taking his clients' money and wasting it on Democratic pols. But that would involve actual reporting.

On to the stupid blurbs…

I can't be sure of this, incidentally, but I think the governor of Illinois was also in on the bidding for Sabathia and Burnett .

I love when Lupica tries to mix politics, baseball and humor, all in the same sentence!

Someone let me know when he learns anything about, well, politics, baseball and humor.

Recently, a Met fan friend of mine asked me why I hate Lupica so much. I told him because he rips on the Yankees and all the NY teams, except the Mets.

Let's see how many NY teams he rips here…let's start with the Giants…

We keep hearing that the Giants, if they keep winning, get home-field throughout the playoffs, and they do.

Except off the way they played last Sunday in Meadowlands weather, you wonder just how much of an advantage that is actually going to be.

We know that Simms and LT and them used to love to play at home when the wind was blowing around like something from the Weather Channel.

So I guess what Lupica is trying to say is that the Giants are no good in playing in bad weather, correct?

So how does he make his point?

They were total champions in the cold of Lambeau Field in their NFC Championship Game.

Um, right - I guess that game was played in good weather?

And lost to the Panthers, bad, the last time they played a home playoff game.

Just something to consider.

Did you consider that that game was played three years ago?

What a douche.

Moving on to the Jets…

I guess my question for the Jets goes something like this:

If all they wanted to do was throw short passes, which is all they threw against the 49ers, why didn't they just keep Chad Pennington ?

Maybe because he SUCKED as a Jet?

Moving on to the Rangers…

When the Rangers lost to the Devils, 8-5, on Friday night, who was playing goal - Dolan ?

HAHAHAHAHAhaahahaha!!! Oh Mike, you are too funny!

And too short.

Back to the Yankees...

I'm not the world's biggest Andy Pettitte fan, but I wouldn't take a dime less to come back to the Yankees.

Because this isn't about what they think is right with him.

It's about how they want things to look.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with Pettitte's 4.54 ERA, right Mike?

So there you have it. A week's worth of bullshit and Mike gets in all his knocks against the Yankees, Giants, Yankees, Jets, Yankees, Rangers, and the Yankees.

And the Yankees.

I can't wait to read his shit for another baseball season.

Let's Play...Guess The Closer!!!

2008-12-09T21:56:00.004-05:00

Which of these is K-Rod, who just got signed for $37 million by the Mets, and which is Joe Nathan, Mo Rivera, Jonathan Papelbon, Brad Lidge, and, just for shits and giggles, Billy Wagner?

2008 Stats:

Closer A: 69.3 IP, 1.95 ERA, 92 K, 35 BB, 1.226 WHIP

Closer B: 70.7 IP, 1.40 ERA, 77 K, 6 BB, 0.665 WHIP

Closer C: 69.3 IP, 2.34 ERA, 77 K, 8 BB, 0.952 WHIP

Closer D: 67.7 IP, 1.33 ERA, 74 K, 18 BB, 0.901 WHIP

Closer E: 47 IP, 2.30 ERA, 52 K, 10 BB, 0.894 WHIP

Closer F: 68.3 IP, 2.35 ERA, 77 K, 34 BB, 1.288 WHIP

If you said A, B, C or D is K-Rod, then you are...a dumbass!

If you said E is K-Rod, then you...underestimated Billy Wagner!

If you said F is K-Rod, the closer out of this group who has the worst ERA, most walks, and worst WHIP, then you are...CORRECT!

And, most likely, a Yankee fan.

I can't wait to hear Mike Lupica say how the Mets "had" to make this deal.

A - Brad Lidge
B - Mo Rivera
C - Jonathan Papelbon
D - Joe Nathan
E - Billy Wagner
F - K-Rod

Yanks Add Swisher - Great Move

2008-11-14T10:25:00.004-05:00

I'm Mister Six, and I approve this deal. Basically, we're buying low on a guy who's coming off his worst year and is almost a lock to improve.

Swisher's a good defensive player, he's versatile, and his salary for the next 3 years is pretty tame, at least in Yankeeland.

Plus when you take into account that he batted .245 on balls in play last year, it's hard to imagine him being that unlucky again. He fits the Yankee mold for patient hitters, drawing 82 walks last year and seeing 4.51 pitches per at bat.

In my opinion at least, that pretty much spells the end of Bobby Abreu in pinstripes... and I have no problem with that. Swisher should be good for .270/.380/.500 next year. He should hit 30 homers and drive in 100 in our offense, and also should return to 30+ doubles.

The way I see it, the Yankees desperately need to move Hideki Matsui. Right now, our starting outfield should be Nady/Damon/Swisher. We don't want to be locked into using Matsui as a full-time DH... especially since, as you all know, I'm a huge advocate of signing Manny Ramirez as our DH.

Stick Posada behind the plate, Teixeira at 1B, Ramirez at the DH and Sabathia in the rotation and the 2008 season is a rap. Mark it down.

As for what we gave up... Wilson Betemit was a huge disappointment. Jeff Marquez was 23, and probably not in line to make an impact in the Bronx any time soon. He's just got too many guys ahead of him in line, and at 23, how long can you hold onto him with no intention of making him more than a Darrell Rasner-type fill-in guy?

Hughes, Kennedy, Brackman, Aceves, Betances, and even Alan Horne were probably ahead of Marquez in line, so it's not a huge loss.

And whenever you get the White Sox to throw in a "prospect" in a trade, you've probably got a pretty good chance of striking gold.

Re: Bloomberg: Third Term?

2008-10-17T11:12:00.002-04:00

Everybody's talking about this. Lupica even chimed in on it not so long ago.

They're saying that Bloomberg's indispensable, because of the economic crisis, to which I quote Charles de Gaulle...

“The cemeteries of the world are full of indispensable men.”

Something to keep in mind.

Russo makes me feel bad for Mets fans.

2008-09-29T20:00:00.002-04:00

I was feeling all giddy about the Mets collapse, then I watched this stupid ass video.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/26942916#26943643

What the hell is this guy on?

Are you serious, Russo? Look at yourself. You are acting like a complete asshole.

I hope your wife is happy with all that money from your new contract, because she sure can't be proud of being hitched to a loser like you.

It's (not) hard to believe Mets collapse again.

2008-09-29T18:49:00.006-04:00

Here we go again, the Mets have another end of season collapse.

Let's see how Mike puts his stupid spin on it.

It was the last of the ninth now at Shea Stadium, last of the ninth in all ways, and they were all standing and begging for one last miracle out of the place.

Didn't happen.

Again.

They didn't want a big miracle now at Shea. Just a small one.

Two runs in the bottom of the ninth in a series in which they only scored FIVE runs total?

That's not a small miracle.

That's up there with walking on water.

They were playing to keep playing now, force a game against the Brewers at Shea tonight, see who would get the last playoff spot in the National League this year.

Ah, there's that Lupica Poetry we've all come to expect when Mikey tries to, once again, dress up a Mets collapse.

It had been 2-2 after Carlos Beltran hit one over the wall in left and toward Citi Field in the bottom of the sixth, made the place sound the way it had always sounded in big moments like this

All two of them.

But on the last weekend of the season and the last weekend of baseball Shea will ever have, the Mets scored a total of five runs.

One Friday, two Saturday, two Sunday.

It is a bit of a problem with the core Mets stars, Wright and Beltran and Jose Reyes and Carlos Delgado:

They all do just enough to break your heart in the end.

When the Yankees tank, it's "payroll", "not clutch", "ARod tabloids" and "soft Jeter."

When the Mets fall apart in epic fashion, two years in a row now to the lowly Marlins, with their $120 million less payroll than the Mets, it's a "bit of a problem."

Newsflash, Mike you midget genius - the Mets didn't get eliminated for lack of hitting.

Their bullpen is a fucking joke.

Omar Minaya is responsible for this putrid joke of a bullpen - why the hell are you giving him a pass?

They will just remember the Mets getting passed in the stretch, again, and that is why a lot of these players, and maybe at least one core player, have to go.

Yes, the Mets should pick players' names out of hat to determine who has to go.

Or they could get 2 relievers and win their division by 6 games.

Great things, magic things, had always happened in the late innings at Shea, hadn't they?

16 blown saves by the Mets bullpen.

Now that is some serious late inning "magic."

To the end, the 56,000 wanted to believe, tried to believe, that the Marlins couldn't do it to them again on the last day, the way they did last year.

If only the Marlins payroll was under $20 million.

If only.

So many of the 56,000 had come to see the goodbye ceremonies when the game was over. But really they had come to yell their heads off, make the place sound the way it was supposed to, for one more day.

Many came for the ceremonies; all came to yell their heads off.

No one came to see the Mets win - good thing.

The 56,000 still wanted one more day, because you always do in sports.

Actually, they wanted one more win.

But then Wright, whose numbers were better than he hit down the stretch, popped out and Endy Chavez grounded back to the pitcher. Two outs. It had been two outs and nobody on in Game 6 in '86 before Carter got a single.

22 fucking years ago.

Can you say, "stretch?"

Damion Easley walked now, and that made Ryan Church the tying run at the plate.

Just the way the Mets fans wanted it.

He put a good swing on the ball and for a moment you thought he'd gotten it,

Speak for yourself.

but he hadn't.

Nope, he hadn’t.

The ball ended up in the center fielder's glove and it wasn't just one season ending out there, it was all of them.

Ummm…what?

No roller from Mookie down the line. No game today.

The miracles always came easier at Shea when the Mets were good enough.

Twice in their history.

These Mets aren't.

Two years in a row, the Mets failed miserably against a team whose payroll was over $100 million less than theirs.

Two years in a row, Mike Lupica fails to mention the Mets payroll – all we get is Lupica Poetry.

Another job well done by the dwarf.

Let's Play "Guess The Season!"

2008-09-28T17:05:00.007-04:00

Guess what season these pics were taken...

Was it 2007? 2008?

Fun for the whole family!

The Mets Payroll is $140 million...

2008-09-28T16:53:00.006-04:00

...tops in the NL...

The Marlins payroll is $22 million, the lowest in the NL.

As Mike Lupica would say, I just thought you should know that.

Special Guest! Kristyn and Frank!!!

2008-09-23T12:16:00.004-04:00

We received a great e-mail today from Kristyn and Frank, out in Jersey. After watching Lupica on the Sports Reporters (on ESPRSN - Entertainment & Sports Red Sox Nation-work), Frank was inspired to write the following, which I will now share with you (because I couldn't possibly have said this better myself.)

Mike Lupica, you are a pompous, privileged man who embodies everything that is wrong with sports reporters and the media. You talk down to fans with one snide remark after another. How DARE you say, “You’re forced to see Michael Kay’s stupid baseball team.” That is how you felt about going to the final baseball game at Yankee Stadium?

Real Yankee fans would have given anything to have to “suffer” like you did. Then you say your fondest moment is the 2001 World Series because it made the city feel better after 9/11.

Did you forget the articles that you wrote after Game 7 when you said the same fans were spoiled and how it’s not the law that the Yankees win every year? And you remind us every time you get the chance that the Yankees have not won since 2000!

It’s amazing how you can remind players when they talk out of both sides of their mouth, but I guess you should know because to see a spoiled hypocrite all you need do is look in the mirror.

Incredibly well said, Frank. And thanks again to Kristyn for sending it in to us!

Although, in Lupica's defense, I'm sure going to the last game in the history of the most storied ballpark in the history of professional sports forced him to miss new episodes of "Brooke Knows Best" and "I Love Money" on VH1. You know how much Lupica loves his reality TV.

How Three Dumb Bitches Ruined The Last Game At Yankee Stadium

2008-09-21T22:14:00.005-04:00

So I sat down to enjoy the last game at Yankee Stadium tonight, and I immediately noticed something that pissed me off - there were three dumb bitches sitting behind home plate - the best seats in the house, on the biggest night of the season - and they could not give ONE SHIT about the game.

I found myself watching them more than I was watching the game. It was like talking to someone who had a piece of shit stuck in their teeth, and you can't concentrate on what they are saying; you can only focus on that little piece of shit.

So instead of focusing on the game, I focused on those three pieces of shit behind the plate.

Thanks, bitches - I hope the loads you swallowed for those tickets tasted good.

Jeter Breaks Gehrig's Record; Lupica Shits On Him

2008-09-18T17:24:00.004-04:00

It's been a long time since I posted, mostly due to the Yankees failing to make the playoffs. It's hard to knock a sports journalist when he knocks the Yankees, as bad as they've been playing. One thing I had to look forward to was Jeter breaking Lou Gehrig's record for most hits in Yankee Stadium.

So Jeter went berserk this week and broke the record. Good for him - Gehrig is my favorite Yankee, and it's great to have a guy like Jeter break his record.

So of course, Lupica had to do his best to ruin Jeter's latest feat by writing a "positive" Yankee article. He wrote this worthless piece of shit, "praising" Jeter, yet knocks him through the entire article.

Let's take a look.

- Knock #1

It is good being Jeter even now, when he didn't start hitting until it was too late.

Poor Jeter - not only did he start hitting too late, but he also gets a "positive" article written about him by Lupica, who points out all his shortcomings.

Haha.."Lupica" and "short"...

I bet you never thought you'd see those two words in the same sentence on this website.

It is good being Jeter even with this kind of ending to the Yankee season, and to this version of Yankee Stadium; it's good being Jeter even as the Yankees will be out of the playoffs for the first time in 15 years and this will be eight years since Jeter and the Yankees last won it all.

What the heck, may as well write something disparaging about the Yankees while knocking/praising Jeter.

Raise your hand if you think the phrase "15 years" will replace "$200 million" as Lupica's favorite.

- Knock #2

He didn't do much more than anybody else on the team when the Yankees still had a chance to make it to another baseball October.

Jeter leads the Yankees in hits (for the 5th year in a row) with 176.

Yeah. He's useless.

- Knock #3

He remains the star he has been for such a long time at the Stadium even if he is not the hitter or the shortstop he once was.

Gee, I seem to recall reading this article back in 2000. Or was it 2002?

Maybe 2004.

Whenever Jeter has an "off" year, the sports "experts" love to talk about how Jeter is done.

What a surprise, Lupica is once again driving that bandwagon.

Mo Rivera also hears the kind of cheers that Jeter does at the Stadium. Jeter hears them more often, not just for the records he sets, but because he is still here.

When did Rivera get traded?

- Knock #4

He is not the hitter Alex Rodriguez is, or even close.

Are you trying to say that Jeter isn't one of the best hitters of his generation!?

Jeez, next he's probably gonna compare him to Joe DiMaggio!

(Yes, he really does.)

- Knock #5

At 34, not able to drive the ball the way he did or produce the numbers he did in his glory years

Jeter's OPS+ in his first 3 full seasons
1996 - 101
1997 - 103
1998 - 127

Jeter's OPS+ in his last 3 seasons
2006 - 132
2007 - 121
2008 - 107

While Jeter's OPS+ has been declining, it's clear his last three seasons are better than his first three.

There's only one reason Lupica didn't mention (again) Jeter's 2007 post season failure.

He forgot.

And he still knows how Yankees are supposed to act. The night of the All-Star Game, you looked over in the 14th inning, long after A-Rod had disappeared into the night, there were two people on the top step of the American League dugout: Boston's Terry Francona, managing the game, and Jeter, who'd been out of the game for hours.

ARod left the game before it ended in the 14th inning - it's pretty obvious he left early for one reason…to score some crack!

That is NOT how a Yankee is supposed to act.

- Knock #6

He is not the Yankee that Joe DiMaggio was

This is like saying Mike Lupica isn't tall. It's a given. It doesn't need to be said.

But hey, what's a positive article about a Yankee without unnecessarily putting him down?

He goes across the street with the rest of them next season. It will still be called Yankee Stadium.

Why couldn't they be like every other team and sell out their naming rights…to a company that rhymes with "shitty", for example?

- Knock #7

The new place won't be as good for Jeter

Because, in the new stadium, the bases will be 300 feet apart, and the outfield wall will be 200 feet high!

Poor Jeter.

Lupica can only hope that Reyes will have half the career that Jeter has had.

Really Bob Raissman? Lets Take a Better Look...

2008-09-12T15:23:00.003-04:00

So here's the article. More or less, my issue is that Raissman wants Girardi and Cashman to bite the bullet for this season's failures. And he waxes poetic about how Joe Torre could have fixed it all and seen us through to the post-season... and I'm not buying. Lets get started...

Monday night, with the Angels on their way to a 12-1 romp, Michael Kay decided it was safe to lower the boom. Gee, it only took him 144 games to - on Al Yankzeera - figure out the time was right to express disdain for this poorly constructed, underachieving team.

So wait... you mean, they waited until it's basically a mathematical impossibility to really criticize a team that, up until 2 or 3 weeks ago, still could have made the playoffs, and ultimately won the World Series? God forbid! Maybe their job isn't to be sensational and sell newspapers like say... your job. And "poorly constructed" how? Hughes and Kennedy pitched great last year and looked ready to make the jump. Chamberlain was a lock to give them great innings. Wang was a back-to-back 19 game winner. Melky had a nice year in CF in 2007. A-Rod, Jeter, Cano and Giambi were probably the best offensive infield in baseball. Abreu and Matsui can mash. And Posada was coming off a career year. Morgan Ensberg was on the bench, a former 30-homer guy... Betemit had "loads of potential." Damon was our 4th outfielder for crying out loud. Mussina was supposed to be our 5-starter! Who was more stacked than us?

That's why, as the Yankees play out the string, don't expect Kay, or any other Yankees mouthpiece, to mention the name Joe Torre and speculate about what his presence would have meant to this team.

Why is this about Joe Torre? The fucking Dodgers have a WORSE RECORD THAN THE YANKEES!! THEY'VE WON LESS GAMES!! You're telling me that if Joe Torre was the manager, the Yankees would be in the NL West this year? Not to mention that Joe Torre's Dodgers were a below .500 team until they hijacked Manny Ramirez and he batted .400 for a month in the middle of their lineup!!!!

What of Cashman's decision to put all his faith in two young pitchers, Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy?

It backfired. We get it. There was no reason to think these kids would be so bad, and so hurt. They were both great in 2007 and looked ready to make the jump to being front-line starters, which they still may become. People have whined for 10 years about the Yankees free-spending ways... and when they go with homegrown kids instead of $20M Santana, you wanna bash them? Pick a side of the fence guys.

Here's the deal: Rewind to spring training. There was all this hype, coming out of YES and other media outlets, contrasting Girardi's style to that of Torre's.

No, Bob Raissman, here's the fucking deal. Everybody got hurt. Everybody. Lets look at who got hurt, and what that cost the Yankees based on 2007 production, or in the case of youngsters, reasonable 2008 projections.

2007
Chien-Ming Wang - 19 wins, 218 innings at a 124 ERA+ in 2007.
Phil Hughes - 10 wins, 150 innings at about a 120 ERA+ projected.
Ian Kennedy - 8 wins, 150 innings at about a 110 ERA+ projected.
Joba Chamberlain - 150 innings at about a 150 ERA+, 180 K's and about 10 wins projected.
Jorge Posada - .338/.426/.543 with 20 HR and 42 doubles in 506 ABs in 2007.
Hideki Matsui - .285/.367/.488 with 25 HR and 28 doubles in 547 ABs in 2007.

2008
Chien-Ming Wang - 8 wins, 95 innings. (Loss of 11 wins, 123 IP)
Phil Hughes - 0 wins, 22 innings (Loss of 10 wins, 128 IP)
Ian Kennedy - 0 wins, 40 innings (Loss of 8 wins, 110 IP)
Joba Chamberlain - 4 wins, 93 innings (Loss of 6 wins, 57 IP)
Jorge Posada - .268/.364/.411 with 3 HR and 13 doubles in 168 ABs (Loss of 338 ABs of OPS .969)
Hideki Matsui - .297/.375/.430 with 9 HR and 17 doubles in 330 ABs (Loss of 217 ABs of OPS .805)

So again, in summation, show me a team that can lose 418 innings of above-league-average pitching, about 35 wins, about 30 homers, 200 RBIs, 50 doubles and 500 at bats of OPS .800+ and still play even .500 baseball. I beg you to do this.

Yes, the Sox lost Ortiz for a while, and Schilling for the year. Beckett and Matsuzaka missed little stretches. Lowell went down for a little while. But their losses don't come CLOSE to what the Yankees have lost this year.

Mussina's overachieved like a mad man. We've gotten half-serviceable innings for Sidney Ponson, Darrell Rasner and Dan Giese. Xavier Nady's been a man on a mission since coming back to the Big Apple. And A-Rod's been his usual freak of nature. Those are the prime reasons that this isn't an 85-90 loss team with the guys that have gone down.

For the sake of comparison, imagine if the Mets lost Santana, Perez and Pelfrey for the year in May, then lost Maine for 2 months starting in July. And also lost Reyes and Delgado for half the year, and Wright for a month. Where would they be right now?

Or for the D-Rays, picture if Kazmir, Shields and Sonnanstine went down for the year in May, then Matt Garza lost 2 months... and then Pena, Navarro missed half the year, and Crawford missed a month.

Yes, I realize that Crawford, Percival and Longoria are out with injuries. By the time they went down, the Rays had what? A 6-game lead? Aside from Kazmir missing a few starts in April, they haven't had an injury in their rotation or bullpen all year. And aside from Baldelli's genetic condition, they've been VERY healthy.

It's a down year for the Yankees. Jeter struggled all year. Melky was terrible. A-Rod and Giambi have struggled with RSIP. There are aspects where people have underachieved... but the bottom line is... that as a whole, this team has overcome a TON just to be above .500. It's not a championship, but it should be a little bit of a moral victory.

And on the bright side, we'll have Mark Teixeira and C.C. Sabathia next year...

So our top 3 in the rotation should be Sabathia, Chamberlain and Wang. And we'll have A-Rod, Teixeira, Nady, Abreu, Matsui and Posada mashing in the lineup. The future is bright.

Wright Time For Another September Collapse! Oh, And The Mets Payroll is Over $140 Million Dollars!!

2008-08-25T12:38:00.003-04:00

Somebody mentioned throwing up in their mouth in the comments of the last post. Here's what made me throw up in my mouth.

Yup, it's more Met gush.

There are no victory laps for the Mets, not after last September and not before this September even begins.

Oh, you mean because their bullpen is already in shambles, and baseball's oldest team has a new injury every day?

Jerry Manuel, who has done some job here, tells anybody who will listen that you don't forget what happened last year, you learn from it and you use it.

Yeah, Jerry Manuel's really turned things around! He's hit like 30 homers, OPS'd 1.200, and pitched the Mets to 10 wins since he took over for Willie Randolph! What? He hasn't played a game? And he's probably a worse manager? Are you serious? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about? I guess he means when Manuel threatened to stab Reyes. That really lit a fire under them.

David Wright is no sure thing to be the MVP of the National League even if the Mets finish the job this time in the National League East.

You're damned right he's no sure thing!! He's batting .293/.386/.524 (OPS+ 141) with 25 homers... which, don't get me wrong, isn't bad at all.

But Albert Pujols is batting .359/.467/.639 (OPS+ 190) and has 28 homers in WAYYYYY less at bats. Not to mention that he's struck out 44 times... the entire year. For all the sick, crazy years this guy's had, this one is possibly the best, especially when he's been doing it with one good arm.

Lance Berkman's OPSing 1.061 so far. Matt Holliday is at 1.021. Chase Utley and Ryan Ludwick are tearing it up. Ryan Braun has 32 homers and 72 extra base hits. Brandon Webb is 19-4 with a 166 ERA+, and if he finishes with 22 or 23 wins, should get some votes...

David Wright, while having a good year, isn't legitimately in the TOP FIVE for MVP this year. Sorry David. Especially not on a $140M+ team with Beltran, Delgado, Reyes and all the other guys who are supposed to be legitimate major league hitters.

This is the way your stars are supposed to produce, when your team needs them the most, and the Mets needed Wright this season as much as they ever have.

As opposed to Pujols, who's shitty Cardinals are in last place because he only hits when it doesn't count, like in batting practice!!

Ermm... wait.... what?! They have a better record than the Mets?! You have to be fucking kidding me. Their starting rotation involves Kyle Loshe, Braden Looper, Todd Wellemeyer and Joel Piniero. They've only gotten 3 starts from Chris Carpenter! They've got more damaged goods on that pitching staff than Hugh Hefner has in the Playboy Mansion! Yes, I'm talking about you Kendra!!

So you talk about Delgado, you talk about Jose Reyes, who has been one of the best players in town this season even if people would still rather talk about what he doesn't do or can't do instead of what he does for the Mets, day in and day out.

Delgado is actually having a solid year... and he proved me wrong, because I said he was dead. Reyes is actually having the best year of his career. His 122 OPS+ is better than in 2006, when everybody loved to salivate over his speed. The steals are down, but the extra base hits are there, and the main knock against Reyes was his OBP... which is sitting at a solid .359.

Fernando Tatis is having the most fluky career revival I've ever seen and has 10 homers and a 123 OPS+. Mike Pelfrey has actually decided to pretend he's a major league pitcher for a while. Whatever... the Mets have the highest payroll in the NL. Why are we even discussing this. They're supposed to be good. It's not all because of Wright. So why is this article centered on him?

But he has been the big player for the Mets at third that Alex Rodriguez has not yet been for the Yankees, despite A-Rod's numbers in a season of his own that has been shortened by injuries.

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Sorry, I was banging my face into the keyboard. How could I be so blind? It had to be about attacking A-Rod.

A-Rod this year: .312/.402/.590 (OPS+ 160) with 28 homers in 407 at bats. He was hurt, he missed time, and he's been a fucking beast. Jason Giambi's batted .205 with RSIP. Why doesn't anybody EVER write an article about him? EVER?! Because it's more fun to fuck with the best player in the AL. I can't do this. I just fucking can't any more. Seriously, I'm done.

Hey Lupica! You're right! A-Rod is a fucking asshole. He sucks!! You win!! I can't continue to preach the same argument about looking at the numbers and VERY OBVIOUSLY SEEING that this guy is a freak of nature the likes of which the game has NEVER SEEN BEFORE EVER! I just can't. So you win.

You look at the left side of the Mets' infield over the season that has been played so far, especially the youth there, and once again ask a fair question about which guys you want on your side over the next few years in baseball, Wright and Reyes or A-Rod and Jeter.

Would you rather have two 12+ year vets... or two guys in their mid 20's!! WOW MIKE!!

Why don't you go ask Met fans if they'd rather have Jeter, and have won the World Series in 1996, 1998, 1999 and 2000... or Wright and Reyes and their youth.

I bet you 9 out of 10 Met fans would trade Wright and Reyes for the 2000 World Championship STRAIGHT UP. And then the Yankees would have Wright, Reyes, A-Rod AND Jeter!! HAHAHAAH!!!! Prove me wrong!!!

"I just love to win," he says. "You can have the stats and all the rest of it. I just want to win."

David Wright really said that? Hmm... he might be on his way to the Yankees on his own then... because he's not going to win shit in Flushing.

Fuck the rest of this article. Onto the blurbs!!!!

You can say this about Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware, who has been as tough and fearless talking about the war in Iraq as anybody in the Senate and not afraid to admit mistakes: From now until the end of this campaign, people certainly are going to know he's in the hall.

That's why I read the sports section of the NY Daily News! So that I can keep my finger on the pulse of the political agendas of liberal dwarves!!! Thank you Mike!! Without your insight, I'd have nothing to chat about with my co-workers. By the way, my co-workers are all Smurfs.

But I never did understand why Omega was initially reluctant to show the underwater video images of Phelps' amazingly close call with Milorad Cavic of Serbia in the 100-meter butterfly and why swimming's governing body, FINA, was no better than Omega.

I kept watching that hold-your-breath finish along with everybody else watching that night on television and I thought Phelps touched the wall first.

Well why weren't you at the Olympics then Mike? If your EYES are on the job, we don't even NEED to time the races!! You can just WATCH everybody, and let us know if YOU THINK they went fast enough to set a World Record!! You can reminisce about when you saw Carl Lewis run, and tell us that there's just no way that Bolt is faster than Carl Lewis!!

Let me explain this as clearly as I can. Nobody in this world, anywhere, in any country, give a flying fuck about your eyes, Mike. We don't care what you see, or what you think you see. You're just an asshole with a sports column in a newspaper. You're not the authority on anything. So just because YOU THOUGHT that Michael Phelps touched the wall first, doesn't mean that it's a done deal. We needed to know that he really did win that race. We needed replays and time-checks. Do you understand now?

A 13-year-old named Kelsey Thomas, from Redmond, Ore., won the eighth go-round of the ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer.

Yes Mike, we get it. Imus helps kids with Cancer! Sadly though, do you know what else we get? That helping kids with Cancer doesn't make it okay to spout racial slurs on a nationally broadcasted radio show. And for that, Imus is still a fucking asshole. Just like you.

Robinson Cano has had about as good a season as Rudy Giuliani, but the difference between him and our chatty former mayor is that there's still time for Cano to turn things around.

OMG WTF!? Cano is Guiliani? Does this make any fucking sense to anybody?

In Mike Lupica analogies, Jose Reyes is a lot like Barack Obama. Why? Because Lupica really wants to suck both of their cocks.

By the end of another Olympics, let's just say that I'm not looking to put that fanfare music on my iPod.

You know, I'm not surprised to hear that Lupica has an iPod. What he didn't tell you, is that it's a Shuffle. Not because of the price. Just because the regular iPod is too heavy for him. It's like a regular person carrying around a stereo system and DJ Speakers.

I am very hopeful that the Jets can make the playoffs this season even though I believe that Brett and Mangini might get along about as well as Bill and Hillary.

1) Who are you fucking kidding Mike? You want the Jets to crash and burn. You want to write 600 articles about what a mistake Favre was. You want to sit and cackle about their failures as you cheer on your New England Patriots behind closed doors. You want to suck breast milk from Tom Brady's tit and shit all over the Jets the way you shit all over EVERY New York Team.... unless they win a championship. Then you'll wax poetic about it for a couple of weeks, and gradually return to bashing them... starting with subtle digs and building up to full-blown idiocy.

2) Brett and Mangini might get along like Bill and Hillary? You really think they're going to have a daughter together? Aren't they both married men?

Happy Trails Mad Dog!!

2008-08-18T14:48:00.005-04:00

Yeah, it took a few days, but I'm going to touch on this one a little.

When I heard that Chris Russo was leaving the Fan, I did squirt a few tears... because I realized that there's going to be nothing left to interrupt Mike Francesa's asinine rants.

That radio show is going to suck more than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout's sleepover.

So they're saying that Russo's going to head over to XM/Sirius. Call me crazy, but his solo show might just be the bomb Osama bin Laden's been waiting to drop on America.

As much as I dislike Francesa, he was sorta like an idiot-filter for Russo, because at least there was SOMEONE there to keep Russo's moronic statements in check a little.

Left to his own devices, he'd still be claiming that Will Clark was better than Mattingly... or whining about how he'd sell his kids to see the Giants win a World Series.

So to Chris Russo, the extent of my farewell message is as follows:

Chris, go fuck yourself. If it were up to me, they'd launch your ass onto the satellite and force you to do your show from out there. And last but not least, enjoy 5 more years of Barry Zito, you sorry son of a bitch.

It's Hank, Cash & Joe's Fault!!! Those Pricks!!!

2008-08-15T09:46:00.005-04:00

Thanks, Bill Madden, for this genius piece about how the failures of this season are the fault of the GM, the manager and the owner.

If you haven't already, go read the article. It explains how everything boils down to Hank's inability to take charge and be a full-blown asshole like his dad used to. And how Girardi's mismanaged the team. Oh, and how Cashman built the team.

It's Hank's fault for not getting Santana. Yeah, we knew that already. The Santana deal will be second guessed for the next hundred years. Or at least until Santana is a walking corpse from years 4 through 7 of the contract he inked with the Mets.

It's Cashman's fault for constructing a bench that involves Wilson Betemit and Morgan Ensberg... because as we all know, the 24th and 25th guys on a team's bench typically represent a 10 to 15 game swing in that team's overall record... right? Right? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? No? Okay, moving on.

It's Girardi's fault because of the Manny game... in like... April. Oh, and for resting Damon for a game this week. And for using Damaso Marte, when he's "clearly a situational reliever."

So lets start with the assertion that Marte is "clearly a situational reliever."

Damaso Marte in Pittsburgh: 47 innings, 1.157 WHIP, 47 K's, 3.47 ERA. And just for the record, here's what RHB's did against Marte in Pittsburgh - .214/.299/.321, and here's what lefties did against him - .258/.310/.394.

To clarify, there's nothing situational about a lefty who's better against righties than lefties. Marte has had a bad week and a half. It's not a fucking incrimination of his entire career. It's a bad week and a half.

Just for the hell of it, lets play the blame game for this season.

1) Robinson Cano - .262/.302/.393 (OPS+ 84) is having a throw-away year. He's been fucking awful. This is obviously Brian Cashman's fault.

2) Derek Jeter - .284/.346/.396 (OPS+ 98) is in the midst of the worst season of his career. This must be because of the differences between Torre and Girardi, so we'll blame Joe Girardi for this.

3) Matsui, Posada and A-Rod's injuries - Three extremely productive hitters have missed majorly extended stretches, with Posada missing almost the entire season and Matsui having seen only 69 of 120 games. Surely the effects of The Curse of the Hank!!!

4) Chien-Ming Wang - 8-2 in 15 starts at the time of his injury, this guy won 38 games in 2006 and 2007. The fact that the Yankees are unable to dominate after the loss of a bonafide top-of-the-rotation starter is very obviously the fault of Cashman. He should have cloned the DNA of Sandy Koufax just in case something like this happened.

5) Hughes, Kennedy & Chamberlain - Two of them dramatically underachieved, all three got hurt at some point, and yet, one of them has developed into one of the best starting pitchers in baseball... but he's not here now. Kennedy might not be as good as anybody thought, Hughes has some injury issues, but has looked great during his rehab stint, and Chamberlain is a golden God. Again, the fault of Cashman for pinning his hopes on pitchers who don't cost $150 Million over 7 years.

And now, for the record, lets see what else Cashman's done this year.

1) Stole Xavier Nady & Damaso Marte from Pittsburgh: The trade market the past few years has been SAVAGE!!! Cashman gave up NOTHING GOOD, and got back a 29-year old outfielder with an OPS+ of 147. And Marte, who was closing games for Pittsburgh at the time he was dealt.

2) Rented Pudge Rodriguez straight up for Kyle Farnsworth: Yeah, Farns was pitching well, but Yanks fans still hated the prick, nobody trusted him in September or October, and he was going out the door in 2 months anyway. Pudge was the only available guy who could come near Posada's production, and he's here.

3) Sidney Ponson, Darrel Rasner & Dan Giese: Their names should go into the history books next to Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon. Do you guys realize that we got 178 innings of serviceable baseball from these three scrap-heapers? Kennedy, Hughes, Chamberlain and Wang have all suffered significant injuries... and yet we've been able to hang around.

Show me another team in baseball FUCKING HISTORY that's lost 4/5ths of their rotation over the course of a season, and even played above .500 ball! Do it!! I fucking dare you to do it!!! And they did it because of a 31-year old free agent who was once drafted in the 34th round of the draft, an alcoholic ex-convict, and a waiver-wire pickup from the fucking Nationals in 2006.

Cashman has pulled half this roster out of his fucking ass. Girardi's juggled his lineups and rotations all year just to keep 9 guys on the field. And Hank's kept his mouth mostly shut... except for that asshole time that he bitched out Mike Mussina... and Mussina magically turned into a 15-game winning dark horse for the fucking Cy Young.

Oh, and the time when Hank bitched that Joba should start. How was that working out before Joba got tendinitis? Wait, I'll tell you. In 12 starts, spanning 65 innings, Joba struck out 74 batters and worked a 2.76 ERA.

Yeah, Hank's a dick. And Joe and Cash are fucking awful. Give me a break Bill Madden. Just give me a break.

Shut Up Millar, Ya Douche

2008-07-31T14:19:00.001-04:00

Edwar Ramirez got ejected from the game vs Baltimore on Tuesday, for throwing inside.

Cry me a river.

So what did Big Mouth Millar have to say about it?

"He's a cute little fella," Millar said of the very thin Ramirez. "He doesn't throw very hard and doesn't have very good stuff. It was probably a good idea that they did throw him out because it would probably have been (a shot to) Monument Park.

"He's good hittin'."

Kevin Millar vs Edwar Ramirez

4 ABs
1 hit
3 Ks

Orioles vs Edwar Ramirez

10.2 IP
2 ER
10 K's

Good hittin? When does that start?

Joba Owns Beckett And Red Sox; What Does Lupica Say?

2008-07-27T23:16:00.004-04:00

Word up, Lupica haters!

This week, Lupica wrote another fucking column about Clemens, and how George Bush shouldn’t give him a pardon.

Who gives a shit, really?

The only person in the world who isn’t tired of Clemens is Lupica.

Give it a rest, Mike. The guy is a total tool. We get it.

Move the fuck on.

Blurbs…

It was pretty neat, I thought, that Charlie Manuel criticized Jose Reyes for being a hot dog on the same day Manuel's shortstop, Jimmy Rollins, couldn't make it to Shea Stadium on time.

Apples, meet Oranges.

A-Rod's friends now are out there saying the whole thing is Cynthia Rodriguez's fault, she drove the poor guy into the arms of other women, and I'm thinking these are the kinds of friends angling for a shot at "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

Sports, Lupica. Try covering it sometime.

Nice job plugging another worthless TV show.

You don't have to like Billy Wagner,

Good.

or the way he blows sky high sometimes, or everything he says, whether he is standing in front of his locker or talking on the radio.

And if you are a Mets fan, you can already be wondering about whether Frankie Rodriguez or somebody else could be the closer here before long.

But you still have to say that Wagner is one of the most interesting people to ever hold down the job of closer in New York.

He sucks in the clutch, and he’s a joke in the post season. He’s got a big mouth and he’s a team divider.

This is why he is “interesting” and deserving of space in Lupica’s dumb column.

You can have “interesting”; I’ll take Rivera.

On Saturday, Joba pitched the best game in his short career, beating the Red Sox in Boston, with Josh Beckett going for the Sox.

Josh Beckett, Mike Lupica’s wet dream from Boston.

Remember this quote by the dwarf?

"The Yankees have a lot. Just nobody like Beckett." - Lupica, 4.18.08

Every sports writer in New York wrote a story about Saturday's game.

Here’s what Lupica had to say…

The Yankee broadcasters kept saying that it made no "sense" for Joba to put a fastball up in Kevin Youkilis' eyes the other night, and I'm wondering what sort of "sense" it made when Joba put two over Youkilis' head last season.

That’s all, folks!

No story, no column, nothing. Just bullshit about Joba throwing at Youkilis again.

Imagine the sports media without Lupica…we’d never learn anything about the Yankees.

Or anything else relevant.

A tough young girl from Sunny Valley, Ore., named Camala (Cami) Million, won the fifth go-round rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer last week, and turned in a record time of 19.62 seconds doing it.

Wow, did you snort a line of cocaine with Imus while discussing this story with him?

Even between one season and the next, it remains one of the most amazing things in sports that the Knicks and Rangers, combined, have won two playoff series in the last eight seasons at the Garden.

New York Mets: one playoff series win in the last seven seasons, with the highest payroll in the NL for the last five years.

But hey, at least they got two last places finishes under their belt during that time.

And that neither one of them, despite piles and piles of money spent, has made it past the second round of the playoffs.

Yet once again, no mention of the Mets payroll or lack of success in October.

Can Carlos Delgado win Comeback Player of the Year just for the way he's come back in the same season?

Ask Robinson Cano. He would have won it the last two seasons.

And possibly this season.

The bushier Giambi's mustache gets, the more he looks like a bouncer.

Uninteresting, unfunny and uninformative. Typical Lupica.

If Mike Pelfrey had an unusual nickname, people might get as excited about the way he's pitching for the Mets as Yankee fans are about Joba.

Joba’s ERA is 1.3 points lower than Pelfrey.
Joba’s WHIP is .2 lower than Pelfrey.
Joba has 20 more K’s in 45 less innings.
Joba just owned the Red Sox.
Joba was converted to a starter after every bitch in sports media said it was the wrong move.

Throw all that away; Yankees fans are excited for Joba because of…his unusual nickname?

Sports journalism at it’s finest.

If you're Brian Cashman, you have to make the trade he just made with the Pirates, no questions asked.

But there has never been a single time when the Yankees have traded prospects when we didn't hear that it was the greatest trade ever

So every time the Yankees have traded prospects, it was considered the greatest trade ever?

Typical Lupica: blowing things out of proportion to prove his point.

and the prospects they sent off to a team like the Pirates really didn't matter in the whole grand scheme of things.

Cashman quote : “We ended up paying a pretty steep price in terms of four useful players. But the deal makes a lot of sense for us on several levels.”

Never a single time, right Mike?

Fucking asshole.

This Week's Load Of Crap

2008-07-19T23:04:00.005-04:00

I skipped Lupica's dumb column about Brett Favre and went straight for the blurbs...

I loved the All-Star Game the other night, from the Hall of Famers on the field, to George Steinbrenner on the field, to Michael Young's sac fly.

So I guess all that hype you complained about last week was all for nothing?

I ended up sitting in the stands for the last half of it,

Because security wouldn’t let you sit there for the first half?

stayed to the end,

Let’s hear it for Mike Lupica – he actually left his New Canaan house to witness a sporting event in person, and he stayed for the entire game!

I mean, wow.

and had as much fun watching it play out as I've had watching any All-Star Game in any sport.

Did you sit on Wilpon’s lap during the game?

Everybody always seemed to have the bases loaded and there were about four different times when you were sure it was over.

Only then it wasn't, and they played on.

Amazing how sports works like that – you never know how it will end.

Thanks for finally getting up to speed, Mike.

Tell you what, though: I wish I could have been with the commissioner of all baseball, my friend Mr. Selig,

It’s good to know that you aren’t above name-dropping at this point in your career.

Come to think of it, at your height, you aren’t really above anything, are you?

when his home plate umpire called Dioner Navarro out when he was clearly safe, and the game should have ended right there.

That might have been kind of neat.

Neat? Of all the adjectives the Midget of Media could have used, he went with “neat”.

What a dork.

Can somebody explain to me why there is this constant panic rush to write off the 2008 Yankees, who aren't just in the running for a wild card, but to still win the AL East?

Yes, Mike Lupica really wrote this.

It’s like when Dwight Gooden was doing those “Just Say No To Drugs” commercials in the ‘80s while snorting lines between takes.

I think it's sort of official that you're going to see me coming out of the bullpen for the Mets before El Duque does.

Considering when Wilpon says “jump,” you always respond with “how high?”

Actually, replace “jump” and “how high” with “swallow” and “how much.”

I do love it when the Yankees act surprised, and sometimes nearly get the vapors, when aging players start to break down on them.

You mean like El Duque, Pedro Martinez and Felipe Alou?

One more time, for those of you (Lupica) who haven’t been paying attention:

Yankees = 8th oldest team in the league.

Mets = 3rd oldest team in the league.

As always, the I-Team at this paper finds it pretty darn special when it breaks a story like the one it did this week about Kirk Radomski shipping HGH to Roger Clemens' house and then seeing the same news presented as breaking news somewhere else.

Coming from a guy who has never ONCE broken a story, yet will dwell on a topic until the end of time as if it was his own.

How quickly Lupica forgot the reason why Lisa Olsen quit.

Jonathan Papelbon may need a filter on his mouth sometimes, and will never be the darling of Yankee fans, but if there is one thing the young man is not, it is overrated.

Why single out Yankee fans?

The guy is a great pitcher, but he seems to love coming across as a total douche. You don’t have to be a Yankee fan to see this.

No wonder you are standing up for him – he’s your kind of guy!

No matter how much Yankee Stadium sang that to him the other night.

When a guy starts talking about being better than another player, when he clearly is not, then he is overrating himself.

So fuck you.

I'll be off for a week or so working on my second serve.

Second serving of what, “Load ala Wilpon?”

See you in August.

You’ll be missed.

Transcript of Lupicunt's Conversation with Yankee Stadium Security!!

2008-07-18T13:10:00.004-04:00

With a little digging, I managed to find an exact transcript of Mike Lupica's conversation with Yankee Stadium Security during the All Star Game, as he tried, unsuccessfully, to enter the lower boxes.

Lupica: Hi... I'm Mike Lupica from the Daily News!
Security Guard #1: What? Did somebody say something?
Security Guard #2: I heard it too! Where did it come from?
Lupica: HEY!! I'm down here you sons of bitches!!!!

SG#1: Oh, what can I do for you little boy? Did you lose your daddy?
Lupica: I'm Mike Lupica from the Daily News! I want to go to my seat!!
SG#2: Lupica, Lupica... hmm... you're not on the list, and frankly, I've never heard of you.
Lupica: That's... that's impossible!!! I'm the author of the New York Times Best Selling book, "Heat!"

SG#1: I thought you just said you wrote for the Daily News!! Which one is it little fella?
Lupica: It's both!! It's both!! I write books too!!
SG#2: Hey! I've been working here for 10 years! If you're a member of the press, how come I've never seen you before?
Lupica: Because I've been covering New York sports for over 30 years!! I don't NEED to come to games any more!! Because I've already SEEN everything!!!

SG#1: I still don't know who he is.
SG#2: Me neither, lets test him. Hey short fry... if you're a baseball journalist, tell me something about the Yankees!
Lupica: Their payroll is $200 Million Dollars!!
SG#1: No no, tell me something about somebody on the team!
Lupica: Jason Giambi took steroids!! And so did Andy Pettitte!!
SG#2: Everybody knows that, those are old stories. Tell me something current!!!
Lupica: Umm... A-Rod is having sex with Madonna!!!
SG#1: This guy sounds like a paparazzo.
SG#2: Yeah, hey little guy. I'm sorry, but we can't let you in here. You need to leave.

Lupica: Umm... could you check the list again? Maybe my name is misspelled. It's Lupica. A... L... B... O... M. First name is Mitch.

SG#1: Ohhhh! Mitch Albom, sure, why didn't you just say so. Go right ahead sir.
Lupica: Oh God Dammit...

Stadium Security To Be Ripped on The Sports Reporters!!

2008-07-18T12:32:00.006-04:00

You've seen what happened to poor Mike Lupica at the All Star Game... and if not, check out the post before this one. Thanks to Deadspin for the coverage!!

Yankee Stadium Security wouldn't let poor little Mike into the lower level boxes. We hear that they tried to escort him to the handicap seats actually.

Here's a list of the top 10 things Mike Lupica most likely said while arguing with security:

10) You wouldn't be doing this if I were Carl Pavano!!!
9) Come on man!! I'll stand on my seat so you don't even have to find a phone book for me to sit on!!
8) Andy Pettitte!!! Erm.. umm.. ROGER CLEMENS!!! Ermm... HILLARY CLINTON!!! Ack.. Jason Giambi!!!!
7) You know... I have a lot of friends who are Yankees fans!!!!
6) Alright, I'm sorry I wrote all that nasty stuff about the Yankees!! There!! That's a better apology than Giambi's!!
5) My man Barack Obama won't stand for this when he's president!!!
4) Come on man... I'll suck your dick! I'm good!! Just ask Jose Reyes!!!
3) I swear to God... I'll claim to have had sex with A-Rod if you don't let me in!!!
2) De plane, boss!! De plane!!!!! (Click the link to get this joke)

And... the number #1 most likely Lupi-quote from the All-Star Game.

1) Don't you know who I am!? This will remind you... The Yankees Payroll is $200 Million Dollars!!

"Do You Know Who I Am!?"

2008-07-18T12:10:00.003-04:00

Check out Deadspin, where someone busted Lupica trying to get past security at Yankee Stadium...

"i was sitting by the entrance to the concourse in the lower level and i hear someone screaming at security so turn to look up the tunnel. It's Mike Lupica and he wasn't being given access to get to the lower field box level so he decided to throw a fit...he pulled a, "do you know who i am" to the guards and ultimately got nowhere, but it was easily an enjoyable moment watching his face turn bright red and freak out during the game..."

CLASSIC!!!

Mike Lupica vs. Peter Abraham

2008-07-17T14:55:00.004-04:00

Here are two different versions of how the crowd reacted when George Steinbrenner appeared on the field at the All Star game...you guess who wrote what...

Here's the first description...

There was Steinbrenner's name on the message board, and this low, steady cheer that followed the golf cart toward the infield at Yankee Stadium.

This was not close to the explosion of noise, the familiar clap of thunder, that Derek Jeter heard when he was introduced Tuesday night, or even what Alex Rodriguez heard when he ran to third base to stand with Brooks Robinson and Mike Schmidt.

And here's the other...

After dozens of ovations, the loudest cheers were left for George Steinbrenner last night.

The 78-year-old owner of the Yankees, sobbing as he rode a golf cart in from left field, delivered the ball to the mound for the ceremonial first pitch before the All-Star Game.

Manuel's Guys Not Half Bad!

2008-07-17T13:52:00.003-04:00

I'm just trying to catch up on some bullshit the dopey midget wrote last week.

There is a season now at Shea where there wasn't one a month ago,

That's news to me; I actually thought the season started three months ago.

a small stretch of baseball that has them looking better than they have since we thought they had put the Phillies away last September.

I see - there is a Mets season now because they had a small stretch of victories.

All season long, David Wright has said that the thing that could turn everything - and everybody - around is a nine-game winning streak. The Mets at least have a chance at one now, their last three games before the All-Star break, if they can finish strong against the Rockies, if they don't go into the premature victory lap we have seen from them before, the premature strut.

The only thing premature is how you determine the fates of teams based on records before the fucking All Star break.

You wrote off the 2007 Yankees in June and you are sizing rings for the 2008 Mets in July.

Great job, retard.

It is why the new manager called a team meeting before the Giants series and maybe should call one before they play the Rockies Friday night.

What should Manuel do when the Mets play a team that isn't 15 games under .500?

"They're good players right now," Jerry Manuel said when it was over Thursday and they had swept the Giants, on a day when everybody in the ballpark except John Maine seemed to realize that the Giants just wanted to lose one more game and get out of Shea for good.

They are good players right now?

What a perfect time for Lupica to pull out the Mets $140 million payroll.

Haha oh you know me, I'm just kidding.

And not holding my breath.

The Mets are 14-9 now under Manuel, a good manager and a good man worth rooting for,

Isn't this the guy who referred to Reyes as a "she" more than once? And who also said he would stab him?

He'll be a good manager - until September.

one who had nothing to do with the way the previous manager got fired.

Manuel didn't pull the trigger on Randolph? Thanks for the newsflash!

They are a game behind the Phillies in the loss column. They have won six in a row. They got more big swings Thursday from Fernando Tatis

Who?

The Mets got that amazing game the next night, 10-9, hanging on for dear life at the end after being ahead 10-1.

If by "amazing" you mean "one hit away from being their worst loss this season", then I completely agree.

Manuel, a grownup, was asked about Tatis' recent play, which means the guy going 11-for-22 in his last five games, with three home runs and eight RBI. The new manager smiled.

"He makes me look smart," Jerry Manuel said.

Um, thanks for clarifying that Manuel is a grownup.

Of course they're not in the clear, whomever is managing them. They're the Mets and things happen to them.

So when they lose, it's not about shitty playing; things just "happen."

When the Yankees lose, it's about payroll, their owner, their GM, ARod marital problems…

Not like they happen to Mr. Fun, Alex Rodriguez. But things do happen.

Mr. Fun, meet Mr. Predictable.

Now the Mets have to make sure they finish the traditional first half of it right.

Why? There is half a season to go.

Whatever, Lupica. You are such a hack.

Just For The Record...

2008-07-17T11:38:00.002-04:00

I tried, but I couldn't let this one go. This is from Lupica's Sunday Shooting from the Lip... and my buddy Fafa already mentioned it. Just wanted to point out some things.

Brett Gardner might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Bubba Crosby.

Crosby was 27 years old when he came to the Yankees with Scott Proctor in exchange for.... the 400 year old mummified corpse of Robin Ventura. A fourth outfielder, and a decent bullpen arm... in exchange for a third baseman's dead body.

Here's Bubba's career line in the minors: .277/.342/.417 with 48 homers and 107 steals over parts of 10 seasons.

And here are Brett Gardner's numbers: .288/.388/.385 with 9 homers and 150 steals over 4 parts of 4 seasons.

Gardner is 24 years old. He's extremely patient at the plate. He has blazing speed, as shown by his 34 stolen bases in 80 games at AAA. He's a plus-defensive player with outstanding range. Offensively, he's a slap-hitter. He has no illusions about hitting the ball out of the park. He doesn't have "developing power." He's a prototypical lead-off hitter.

Bubba Crosby didn't have great speed. He didn't have power. He had poor plate vision. He was a completely different player... and he was basically a throw-in.

The problem isn't that there's ANY similarity between these two players.

The problem is that Mike Lupica REALLY BELIEVED that Brian Cashman was comfortable with starting the 2006 season with Crosby in CF. This was NEVER the case. Cashman took that stance in an attempt to drive down the prices of viable CFs in trade and in free agency.

Yes, we're paying Damon $13 Million a year... if you remember correctly, he was originally looking for $15 Million a year, and 5 years.

There is NO reasonable comparison between Gardner and Crosby.

Am I saying that Gardner is a lock? No. Am I guaranteeing that he's a great player? No. But regardless, he's absolutely nothing like Crosby.

Comparing them is sort of like saying...

David Wright might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Ty Wiggington.

Jose Reyes might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be a cross-dressing Polynesian midget on stilts!

Mike Pelfrey might turn out to be an ace, and he might turn out to be an alien space ship inhabited by Eddie Murphy!!!

Or my personal favorite...

Joe Smith might turn out to be a closer, and he might turn out to be a squirrel with a light saber!!!!

Shooting From The Lip

2008-07-16T18:26:00.002-04:00

Sorry this is late. Well, not really.

This week's worthless article is about tennis.

I mean, really, who gives a shit.

The only sports "experts" in this town who have a hard on for tennis are Lupica and Chris Russo. What the fuck does that tell you?

Let's get right to the bullshit.

The worst possible news for A-Rod was Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook settling.

This is a sports columnist writing this.

Really.

I'm wondering if all the people who thought it was cool for John McEnroe to hug Roger Federer after the Wimbledon final would have had the same reaction if a woman had done the exact same thing?

I know it would have been a serious let down for Lupica.

The other Reyes - Argenis - has covered more ground in a week than Luis Castillo did the whole last month he was at second.

Who?

When the Yankees gave Jorge Posada all that money last winter - how long did he think he was going to be their catcher at his age?

And if they saw him as a future DH, don't you sort of think they have enough of those already?

Because Giambi, Matsui and Damon all have contracts with the Yankees for the next fifty years.

When do the position players start jumping off the assembly line from this crackerjack Yankee farm system?

You mean guys like Cano and Cabrera?

Reality check - take a look at the farm system for that team over in Shea, if they even have a farm system.

David Wright should have been an All-Star on the first ballot.

I guess Lupica is trying to say that David Wright is having a better season than Chipper Jones.

David Wright stats:

94 games.
282 batting average
.380 OBP
.499 SLG
OPS+ 134

Chipper Jones stats:

83 games
.376 batting average
.472 OBP
.614 SLG
OPS+ 189

Is this some sort of joke? How does Lupica justify his stupid statement?

There are teams in the league other than the Mets, you tool.

Fucking sports expert, my ass.

It is probably just one of those crazy coincidences you get in life sometimes that after a week of getting banged around on the front page, A-Rod decided it was time for his little girls to make a road trip.

More ARod personal issues bullshit! Yay!

And by the way?
If you really are hanging around with John Rocker castoffs, you really do have to take a long look at where your love life is.

Please, you would give your undersized left nut to get a piece of anything that Rocker or ARod used up and threw away.

Other than the fact their leftovers are female.

Your loss, Lupica.

When the Mets took the lead from 5-3 to 7-3 against the Giants on Thursday afternoon, my friend Dan Graziano from the Star-Ledger said they were just trying to "Wagner proof" the game.

Mike, you are allowed to say bad things about the Mets; you don't have to quote someone else. I guess you don't want to upset the guys in your circle jerk club.

You know… Reyes, Wright, Wagner, Wilpon, Minaya, etc…

Joe Torre must like managing in a place where if you just hang around .500 and first place, they treat you like your number ought to be retired.

Wow, kind of like how you write articles on the Mets?

If somebody had told you a month ago that Carlos Delgado would have the numbers he has right now, and hit some home runs where he's hit them, tell me you wouldn't have signed for that deal on the spot.

Like I was saying?

When Hank Steinbrenner starts going on and on - and on - about the Red Sox not having any kind of national following, you do want to suggest he get out of the office a little more.

Coming from a guy who reports on Knicks games from his house in Connecticut.

Brett Gardner might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Bubba Crosby.

Master Of The Obvious strikes again!

Question No. 1 about Jason Giambi: When did he decide he was going good enough to start talking about himself in the third person?

When did this happen? I missed it.

Question No. 2: In light of the whole thong story, when you heard him talking about "The Big G," didn't you think he meant a G-string?

Possibly.

Another great article.

About things other than sports.

Thanks, Mike. Another paycheck well earned.

Lupica Tries (And Fails) To Get In Rivera's Pants

2008-07-16T17:38:00.003-04:00

So the All Star game is finally upon us, and Lupica takes the opportunity to shit on the occasion, and to praise the only real closer in this town - Mariano Rivera.

We will make this more than it is this week at Yankee Stadium,

Three reasons why Lupica is annoyed by the All Star game getting overhyped:

1. It's a feel good story
2. It's actually about sports
3. It doesn’t involve ARod and Madonna

the last All-Star Game in the place, maybe the last great baseball occasion in the place if the Yankees don't find a way to make the playoffs this season.

By my calculations, there are at least 32 more great baseball occasions scheduled in Yankee Stadium - they are called games.

All the way until the last out Tuesday night, we will hype this up as if it were the Super Bowl of All-Star Games, or the Olympics, because it is the Stadium and it is the Yankees and it is New York and it is, after all, what we do here.

Considering most All Star games take place in new stadiums, it will be a refreshing change to hype up the stadium due to all its history.

We will, to the end, continue to call this The House That Ruth Built, even though it is not, it is not Babe Ruth's Yankee Stadium, not the one he saw from home plate or Joe DiMaggio saw or Yogi or The Mick.

Wrong. It is the same stadium. A facelift does not mean its not the same stadium. It's like when you wear lifts in your shoes - you may look different, but you are still the same asshole.

But there is one player who will participate in this game Tuesday night who does not have to be hyped up as he stands with one last collection of baseball stars and the baseball ghosts of this Stadium and the one before it that Derek Jeter is always talking about. And that player is No. 42 of the Yankees, the last player to wear Jackie Robinson's number in baseball:

Mariano Rivera.

Mo.

Well it certainly isn't Billy Wagner.

Fuck, Joes Reyes wasn’t even invited.

The beauty of baseball and the beauty of sports is that there is always a debate about this giant of the sport or that.

Or who is hanging out with Madonna.

Some will say that Ruth will always be the biggest player of them all, has to be, just because of the distance he put between himself and the rest of the field when he seemed to invent the home run in baseball at the same time he was inventing the Yankees.

Until someone can overpower the league with their hitting as well as their pitching, it will be Ruth. It was stupid for you to even compare Rivera to Ruth.

But there will be others who say that the best player of them all was the great Henry Aaron or Willie Mays and maybe someday - if he ends up getting enough rest to hit 800 home runs - some will say that Alex Rodriguez, Mr. Fun, was the best ballplayer of them all.

Mr. Fun?

As in, "opposite of Mike Lupica"?

Nevermind; that would be "Mr. Tall".

God forbid Lupica writes an article without taking a swipe at ARod.

He hasn't always been perfect,

Now Lupica is gonna remind us of Rivera's fuck ups? Gee, no one saw that coming.

because no one is, so there was the night when Sandy Alomar Jr. beat him in a game in the first round and helped knock the Yankees out and there was the bottom of the ninth in Game 7 against the Diamondbacks and there was the worst night of all, for him and his team, when he couldn't get the last three outs he needed against the Red Sox, Game 4 of '04, and keep the Red Sox down against the Yankees, where they had always been.

How is blowing game 4 in the 2004 in the ALCS, with a 3 games to 1 lead, worse than blowing game 7 in the 2001 world series?

Jeez, we still had 3 more chances in 2004; in 2001, that was it.

It does not change his standing, or his rank.

But, just for shits and giggles, Lupica had to bring it up anyway.

When he does come through the bullpen doors tomorrow night, whenever they play "Enter Sandman," when the place goes wild for him once more, understand something:
In this Yankee Stadium, in the rebuilt Stadium and not the one Ruth built,

Did I forget to mention that Ruth didn't build this version of the stadium?

He didn't really build the first version of it either; it was…laborers!!!

the man running toward the pitching mound is the greatest Yankee of them all.

I really feel Lupica wrote this to set fans up for a big let down, with Mike keeping his fingers crossed that Rivera would blow the lead.

Too bad it was Crapplebon and Wagner who both contracted a bad case of SUCK during the game last night.

Bobby Murcer 1946 - 2008

2008-07-12T18:18:00.002-04:00

You were awesome, Bobby.

You will be sorely missed.

Enough-Lupica's 100th Post!!! What Have We Learned?

2008-07-08T11:01:00.004-04:00

Yes, you read correctly. This is our 100th post at enough-lupica.com, and that cross-eyed, vertically-challenged lawn gnome still works for the Daily News. I just want to say that I officially consider this blog a failure, and I hope you all die. Okay, okay... I'm totally kidding.

What better way to celebrate 100 posts on this blog than to recap what we've learned over the last 100 entries? And what better way to do that, than to use Mike Lupica's article in today's Daily News as a basis for our research?

(For regular Lupica readers, let me explain what 'research' means. It means that we're going to look through a set of information, compare and contrast it against other pertinent information, and draw logical conclusions based on the results. In other words, something Mike hasn't done in at least 12 years.)

The Red Sox's lead over the Yankees was in double figures at this time last year, and this time last year there was no other team in their division for them to worry about.

A simple search at ESPN.com reveals the following. As of July 7, 2007... the Yankees were 9.5 games behind the Boston Red Sox. The Toronto Blue Jays were exactly 10.0 games back. By Mike Lupica's infallible logic, they were very much in the Yankees rear-view mirror. What's my point? Yes Mr. Lupica... there WAS another team in their division to worry about. The team in Toronto. It took me a grand total of 11 seconds to research this fact and give it to my readership... but you obviously have no use for facts.

The Yankees nearly came all the way back.

After you pronounced them dead several times, Mr. Best Sports Journalist in New York.

This Yankee team is wounded, and not nearly as good.

Reasons why the Yankees were better in 2007: Doug Mientkiewicz, Andy Phillips, Miguel Cairo, Josh Phelps, Wil Nieves, 12 starts from Kei Igawa, Roger Clemens, Luis Vizcaino, Scott Proctor, Ron Villone.

Reasons why Mike Lupica's statement is retarded: Joba Chamberlain, Cano's Annual Post-June Tear, Mussina's resurgence, Giambi's resurgence, Kei Igawa has only thrown 4 innings, A-Rod is heating up, Posada missed like 40 games, despite losing our best pitcher we're still surging and likely to get help within the next 3 weeks.

It is still good enough to beat the Red Sox, off what we are seeing from the Red Sox lately.

Nice veiled shot here. Vintage Lupica. Backhanded compliments. Translation: The Sox are playing like shit lately, so I guess the Yankees can probably catch them. Funny that he never mentions that the Mets play in the second-worst division in baseball.

Damon is right, because even though the Rays lost yesterday, they still have the Yankees by nine in the loss column.

Which is a nice way of exaggerating the fact that the Yankees are 8.5 games back. It's a presumption that the Rays will win their next game. The only time a normal, credible journalist pays attention to "the loss column" is during the last 2 weeks of a season. Our boy LupiCunt does it for effect.

But if last year's Yankees could make the kind of second-half run they did on a Red Sox team good enough to win it all, this year's Yankees can make a run at the Rays, starting tonight.

Again, typical LuPRICKa. He shits on a team for two paragraphs, then throws them a fucking carrot. This team's not as good as last year, and I guess they can make a run at the Sox because they're playing like shit.... but if they could make a run at those AMAZING AWESOME WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CALIBER RED SOX... then I guess they can try to catch the Rays. Fuck you and everything you stand for, Mike Lupica.

We don't know how Joe Girardi manages in an American League East race, if his team can stay in it.

Yeah, we don't know how Joe Girardi manages in an AL East Race!! He might get the shakes, ban coffee in the clubhouse and put Bobby Abreu on an IV of Ice Cream! He might bat Dan Giese in the leadoff spot!! He might decide to call up Kei Igawa to counteract the shortage of SUCK in the bullpen... I mean, since Billy Wagner's probably unavailable.

And we don't know if Brian Cashman, who didn't want Johan Santana, can get the Yankees the kind of pitching help they need, which means more than Sidney Ponson.

1) Yes Mike, we get it. He didn't want Santana. You remind us in every article. How's Santana doing in that intense NL East Race? What? He's 7-7? And his strikeouts are down? And he already looks like he regrets signing that extension across town? Because he feels like he's pitching for the Ringling Brothers team? And the coach mugged him at knife-point in the shower?

2) Yeah, we got Ponson. He was free. At his best, he's a league-average pitcher who gives you a lot of innings. Lets look at what another local team's done to patch together their woeful pitching staff. Nelson Figueroa, Claudio Vargas and Tony Armas. That crazy Omar Minaya has obviously outfoxed Cashman again.

The Yankees have enough to make their run with just a little pitching help.

Oh, you mean like when 2/5ths of our projected starting rotation for the year comes off the DL in a few weeks? Yeah... Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy are still living, breathing humans. They didn't die.

They have enough to make a run if Derek Jeter produces the way he is supposed to, if Robinson Cano, who busted up Sunday night's game with a triple and then scored the winning run in the bottom of the 10th, hits the way he is supposed to.

Cano during the 1st half (Career): .283/.316/.420, 22 HR, 133 RBI
Cano during the 2nd half (Career): .334/.366/.540, 32 HR, 141 RBI (in 400+ less PAs)

Jeter is having what would be the worst year of his career. Statistically speaking, he's one of the most consistent players in baseball history.

So lets all take a moment to congratulate Mike Lupica on these BOLD predictions. Cano has to hit better in the second half... LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES... LIKE HE'S ALREADY BEGUN DOING (19 for his last 50, which amounts to hitting .380.) And Jeter needs to improve... LIKE HE'S STATISTICALLY ALMOST FUCKING GUARANTEED TO DO BASED ON 13 SEASONS OF DATA!!!!!!!

And they can make their run, hang in there with the Red Sox and Rays, if Alex Rodriguez finally starts carrying the team the way he did at the start of last season and the way he is supposed to.

And here's what it always comes down to. A-Rod is supposed to play full-seasons like they're April 2007. That's where the Lupi-bar is set for A-Rod. Anything less than .355/.415/.882 with 14 homers and 34 RBI in a month is unacceptable from A-Rod.

Never mind the fact that you're asking the guy to hit 98 homers and drive in 239 runs. He makes a lot of money!! That's what's EXPECTED OF HIM!!!

When a team isn't scoring enough, isn't getting runners home,

It's probably the collective fault of the entire lineup, especially when you're talking about the Yankees. Damon, Jeter, Abreu, Cano, Giambi, Posada... these guys are supposed to be a Murderers Row... so you should blame them all when you're not scoring runs, right?

that is when the biggest run producer in baseball and the guy being paid the most to have the biggest stick (on the field) is supposed to be at his best, and hitting .253 with runners in scoring position shouldn't be his best.

Jesus H. Christ! By the way, the H. actually stands for 'Hfucking.' Jesus Hfucking Christ!!!

1) A-Rod is 19/75 with RSIP this year, with 17 BB. If he had hit 4 extra singles, he'd be 23/75 and batting .307 with RSIP. Are you telling me that those 4 singles are the reason we're not leading the AL East by 5 games?

2) With RSIP and 2 Outs, here's A-Rod's line - .219/.444/.500 with 12 BB (5 IBB). 7/32 with 12 walks... so maybe it has SOMETHING to do with the fact that teams DON'T PITCH TO HIM!!! When he draws walks, he's un-clutch. When he makes outs, he's un-clutch. So what the fuck do you want him to do when a pitcher doesn't throw strikes!? You want him to hit a pitch that's a foot off the plate 500 feet to dead center?!

Giambi's batting .189 with RSIP. Why not mention that? Isn't he making more money than the Florida Marlins this year? Why is it always A-Rod?

People will put up with almost anything from their sports stars, even the kind of low-rent, high-profile, gag-me publicity A-Rod is getting these days, as long as they produce.

For the umpteenth time, nobody cares about A-Rod's marriage. Nobody gives a shit about his feud with Jeter. Nobody minds if he tans in Central Park or plays Poker!! Babe Ruth played here for Chrissake!! His daily regimen involved a dozen hot dogs, seven hookers and a gallon of grain whiskey!!! And don't get me started on Mickey Mantle! We don't fucking care as long as he hits!! He's batting .323 with 18 homers and 50 RBI in 69 games!!!! Yankee fans couldn't give a shit less if he was fucking Pope Benedict spread eagle on the Vatican steps!!!!

A-Rod comes into the Rays series hitting .323, with 18 home runs and 50 RBI, despite missing more games than he usually does.

That's what I just said... how can you possibly fuck this up?

But it shows you where the bar is with Madonna's bad kaballah guy that it hasn't looked or felt or seemed like nearly enough.

The bar is down the block from your office. You go there and get shitfaced with the midget from the Bacardi & Diet Cola commercials, and then you torment me with these terrible fucking articles!!! We don't care if he fucks Madonna. Frankly, some of us hope there's a sex tape involved. (Hey A-Rod, if you're reading this, think about it... we could make a killing! You'd make back all the money from the divorce!! Call me!!)

I felt like he won his MVP award over the first half of the season, when there were all those days and nights when it seemed as if he were all the Yankees had.

Another vintage Lupica tactic. Opinion. I felt like... I thought. Hey Lupica, when we want your opinion, we'll take our dicks out of your mouth... mmkay?

Everything with Lupica is his opinion... or a baseless comparison to something that already happened. Research is never involved, even in the slightest.

But ask Yankee fans about A-Rod's season so far, and what they want to talk about is moments like the one in Friday's game, when he had the chance to bring his team back and grounded into a force play against Manny Delcarmen with the bases loaded.

What Yankee fans are you asking? Your friends? If Mike Lupica tried to ask a Yankee fan for ANYTHING, he'd be beaten within inches of his life. So how could he possibly know what's on our minds? Which brings me to another point...

WHAT QUALIFIES THIS FUCKING PRICK TO WRITE ABOUT THE YANKEES!?

Nobody on the team talks to him. The fans are loathe to him. He obviously isn't nearly as interested in covering the team as he is in his Reality TV or his Liberal Politics. He's completely out of touch with his readers. Why has this man not been fired yet? Or reassigned? Or banished to the snake fields of Zimbabwe?

You know who hasn't underproduced, even though he's been slumping again lately? Giambi. He has pretty much the same power numbers as A-Rod, and it seems like he has provided a lot more important swings.

Again... it SEEMS LIKE! Which is why it's unwise to evaluate baseball players based on your gut, or what it feels like, or seems like... or what you think. I just pointed out the fact that Jason Giambi has batted .189 with Runners in Scoring Position. Personally, I assign very little weight to the stat... however... it was Mike Lupica's basis for CRUCIFYING A-ROD.

It took me 7.4 seconds to research this stat. And this proves, completely, that Mike Lupica has done absolutely NO research. Maybe the reason it SEEMS like Giambi's gotten more big hits... is because he didn't MISS TWENTY GAMES WITH A QUAD INJURY!!! Maybe? Possible?

And Manny looked like he didn't care on Sunday night when he took three straight strikes from Mo Rivera, in a disgraceful at-bat.

A fucking day ago, this guy was giving us the pitch-by-pitch and raving about how dominant Rivera was. No chance!! Oh my goodness gracious!! Golly golly gumdrops!!! Now it's all because Manny didn't care! Disgraceful! Awful!! Horrible!! Anybody could have struck Manny out!! Jose Canseco could trotted out and thrown 3 knuckleballs past him!!! And then floated away like the Good-Year Blimp with his HGH muscles!!

But lets get to the conclusion.

The Yankees aren't as good as they used to be.

Based on what Mike Lupica sees and feels... which also tells him that Jason Giambi has been carrying the Yankees with his .189 BA with RSIP!! And A-Rod's been killing them with his shitty 18 homers in 69 games.

I can't honestly tell you what's been learned after 100 posts here. I can tell you one thing that we HAVEN'T learned. How to get this little cum-guzzler fired. We need to study. And just for the hell of it... here's some more Vintage Lupica!

In the words of Howard Cosell, I'm just telling it like it is.

Journalism 101! Lupica's Taking Us To School!

2008-07-07T12:41:00.002-04:00

Today's journalistic tool is: Exaggeration!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, you can make anything feel like game 7 of the World Series if you just exaggerate every detail of it! You can create urgency where there really isn't any, and capture the hearts and minds of your readers!! Case in point, this article.

This was the way the season was supposed to feel, and a lot sooner than the bottom of the 10th on a Sunday night against the Red Sox, at the end of a long baseball night, at the end of a long Fourth of July weekend of baseball.

Ahhh yes! The way it's supposed to feel!! What? Exciting? It's a 162 game season. It's a marathon, not a sprint. This game was no bigger than the one before it, or the one after it. Although it's nice that you were able to tune in Mr. Lupica. I'm sure actually watching a baseball game must have interfered with your viewing of "I Love Money" on VH1. That's that new reality show with a bunch of losers who failed at dating Brett Michaels, Flavor Flav, and some chick who looks like Divine Brown (You know, the chick Hugh Grant paid for sex.)

There were supposed to be plenty of nights like this, just not because of a dirty uniform out of Holly Hill, South Carolina named Brett Gardner.

There have been plenty of nights like this. You'd know if you actually watched baseball. But again, it's a lonnnnnng season, sort of like one of your run-on sentences, that goes on, and on, and on, and... Zzzzzzz... umm... what was I saying?

Not because of an at-bat by the new kid at the top of the order that lasted eight pitches and felt like it lasted 80 in the bottom of the 10th.

Oh yeah? A new kid? Where'd he come from? Ohhh, that's right. He's one of those shitty, butt-fucking "Yankee Prospects" that you ripped into YESTERDAY!!! Remember that joke? About how the Brewers got Sabathia? Because they have REAL prospects? Not YANKEE prospects? HAHAHA!! Funny joke.

Aside from that, notice the literary device at work here. Eight pitches... and felt like 80!! Such urgency, such importance!! And yet the meaning is completely lost when you think about it. An 80 pitch at bat would take about 2 hours. Bottom line is... Gardner did good. He worked the count... just like the guys in the minors said he would. He fouled off some tough balls... just like the guys in the minors said he would. And he got on base... just like his .990 OBP in the minors said he would. I think his OBP in the minors was .990, I'm pretty sure, so lets go with .990.

The Yankees had not gotten any closer to the Tampa Bay Rays, not really, had not fixed the back of their starting rotation, or scored all the runs they should have scored.

See? You thought this was going to be a feel-good story. It's not. Even after reading the whole article, the point is right here. The back of the rotation is still shitty. The offense underachieves and the Yankees are still like 72 games behind the Rays... so HA HA... FUCKING... HA... you bastards!! The Mets may completely suck, but they're right in the thick of the race in the NL Least... otherwise known as the second WORST division in baseball, trailing only the NL West.

Still: the place was as loud and happy as it has been all season, all because of Gardner had hung in there long enough, fouled off enough pitches, to beat one of the best closers in this world.

This is a meaningless fucking sentence. Everybody who closes for a major league team is "one of the best closers in the world." Armando Benitez was one of the best closers in the world for a time. Papelbon has blown 4 saves already this year. He blew 3 all of last year. If you took your mouth off his prick for five minutes, you'd know that Mike.

Here's my list of closers I'd want to get the last 3 outs of a big game for me. Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. Mariano Rivera, Joe Nathan, Francisco Rodriguez, Joakim Soria, Jonathan Papelbon, Brad Lidge, Bobby Jenks.

There you have it. He's 5th on the list. He's in the upper 17%. Big fucking deal.

It was supposed to be pretty good, the greatest closer of all time against one of the great righthanded hitters of all time. Except it was "no mas" from Manny of Washington Heights all the way.

Ahh... the greatest closer of all time. Now we're talking about Mo. But of all the obscure references to make in this at bat... "no mas"? This is a reference to the "No Mas Fight" otherwise known as Roberto Duran vs. Sugar Ray Leonard. Duran quit the fight, saying "No Mas" during in the eighth round.

The baseball equivalent of "No Mas" would be if Manny worked the count to 1-2, said "no mas" to the umpire, and then walked back to the dugout in mid-at bat. This reference makes no fucking sense, aside from the fact that Manny is a Latino. It's little more than a race-baiting reference. It's a poor attempt at wit that lacks any semblance of logic or sense in it's placement or usage.

Strike one, looking.
Strike two, looking.
Strike three.
Looking.
Ramirez never took the bat off his shoulder

Well thank you for telling me that he never took the bat off his shoulder. Up until you clarified that, I was wondering what happened on strikes four and five of the at bat.

But then Wilson Betemit had no chance, none, against Papelbon, striking out.

And again, fundamental misunderstanding of the sport of baseball. According to his career stats, Wilson Betemit has a 32.8% chance of getting on base in ANY AT BAT, regardless of who the pitcher is. That means that Papelbon has a 67.2% chance of getting him out, which he did. To say that Betemit had NO CHANCE against the guy is just Lupica's way of trying to shit on a Yankee. Of course he had a chance. You've got a chance to win the lotto too... it's just not a very good one.

That kind of game at the Stadium. That kind of night. The kid who wasn't supposed to be here won one that wasn't supposed to ever feel this big.
And again Mike... I keep having to clarify this for you. Yankee history is not made in the first week of July. It's made in October. You know, October... the month of the year when you get to play golf with your friend Jose Reyes? It's the month that comes after September. You know which month September is, right?

It's the month that your favorite team's owner wants to play "meaningful games" in.

Shooting for the Blurbs...

2008-07-07T09:47:00.005-04:00

Since Fafa already saved me the frustration of making statistical comparisons between Jeter and Jose Reyes and pointing out the obvious facts, that Jeter's on pace for well over 3,000 hits, has been a key member on 4 world championship teams, and will probably be the most unanimously voted first-ballot Hall of Famer in baseball history five years after he retires... I'm going to skip right to the blurbs. And boy, do we start with a bang.

You know why the Brewers can make a big play for C.C. Sabathia when they want to make a run?

Because they probably wanted to get him out of the AL? Because the Brewers offered several of the best prospects in their system, including a minor league outfielder who's hit 20 homers in less than half a year? Because it's still three weeks before the deadline and nobody else has really made any offers for Sabathia yet?

Because they have real prospects in their system, not Yankee prospects.

Or you could go with the crazy answer. I could comment on the quality of the "real prospects" that the Mets traded for Santana after Brian Cashman decided not to give up a bunch of those shitty "Yankee prospects." I could make fun of the fact that Santana's been in Queens for half a year, and already looks desperate to get the fuck out of there. I could even go through stats and point out the fact that players like Joba Chamberlain, Brett Gardner, Jose Tabata, Alan Horne, Andrew Brackman and Dellin Betances are, in fact, real, genuine article prospects who've come through the Yankee system, along with Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera over the last few years. Not to mention that Hughes and Kennedy aren't exactly busts just yet.

What has the Met system produced since Wright and Reyes? Joe Smith? Yup, a fucking side arming middle reliever. That's what the entire minor league system has given the Mutsies in the last 4+ years.

Back in the day, when Hugh Carey was the governor of New York and Jimmy Breslin nicknamed him Society Carey, Breslin also described Carey as "a dream character in dancing pumps."

Hugh Leo Carey was born on April 11, 1919. He was the Governor of New York (and yes, we capitalize titles out of respect for the people who hold/held them Mike. It's called journalism) from 1975 to 1982. You went at least 26 years into the past for this quote. What could possibly be so important about this quote as to make you dig so deep into the annals of your brain?

And that's sort of the way I think about Hank Steinbrenner now.

Of course. A veiled shot at Hank Steinbrenner. While we're at it, why don't you just make fun of his 78-year old, mostly infirmed father? Or maybe you can write a few articles about his sister's failed marriage, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? Mike Lupica is a classless piece of tabloid-writing shit who should be fired.

After Hank yelled about how the Yankees weren't hitting and they better start or else and then they put an 18-spot on the Rangers, Hank must have had to be tied down so he wouldn't float away.

Funny. Lets recollect some recent events.

Hank yelled about Mussina ---> Mussina turned his season around and has 11 wins already.
Hank yelled about hitting ---> Yankees score 18 runs the next day.

Lupica says "Mets need more guys like Wagner" ---> Since May 18th (when Lupica said this), Wagner's blown 5 saves.

Pre-Lupica Wagner: 17 IP, 9H, 0 ER, 9 saves, 1 blown save, 0.00 ERA.
Post-Lupica Wagner: 18 IP, 17H, 9 ER, 10 saves, 5 blown saves, 4.50 ERA.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Curse of Mike Lupica.

When I heard that the hotdog eating contest between Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi ended up in that tie and they had to go to a 5-dog overtime, I just assumed it was pretty much the same as penalty kicks in soccer.

I love the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest! I really do. Although I'm sure it's not for the same reason that Mike Lupica does. I'm fascinated by people with the ability to stuff like 30 pounds worth of food into their stomach in 12 minutes. Mike Lupica just likes watching men eat hot dogs. A lot.

If Jaromir Jagr were a baseball player, he'd probably say he'd signed with Avangard Omsk in Russia because of the school system there.

Or maybe he signed there because Glen Sather informed him that the club was moving on without him. And because that 36, he can make $5 million a year to play against lesser competition and not get his ass kicked for 82 games a year. It also might have to do with the fact that he played for Avangard Omsk when the NHL went on strike a few years ago. This wasn't so much about the money, as the fact that the Rangers told him to go. Why make him out to be the bad guy? He played his ass off in New York.

I guess my favorite headline in the whole slew of them with A-Rod was the one about how Madonna had "brainwashed" our third sacker.

Yup, there you have it. The favorite headline of the number 1 sports journalist in New York City is tabloid bullshit. Just for the record... I imagine that brainwashing went something like this:

Madonna: I'm loved by gay men all over the world... you're loved by gay men all over the world... that can't be a coincidence. Can it?
A-Rod: I never thought of it that way. We should move to Hollywood, have children and pray to Xenu together!!
Madonna: No no!!! Xenu is Scientology!! Scientology is for fucking wack-jobs and schizophrenics!! I'm into Kabbalah!
A-Rod: What's the difference?
Madonna: Kabbalah is like... well... it's like. Shit. It's Jewish Scientology, okay? You dick.

You know who is in a real tough spot if Brett Favre really does want to come back and play football this season?

The guy that writes for enough-lupica.com and placed bet $10,000 that Favre would stay retired?

The people running the Green Bay Packers are in a real tough spot.

I beg to differ. I think I'd be in a much tougher spot explaining how I lost TEN FUCKING GRAND on the dumbest bet I've made since betting that Ivan Drago would beat Rocky!!

Because they probably don't want to envision a world where he comes out of the tunnel at Lambeau Field wearing the colors of the Chicago Bears.

Hey Mike, listen. Fuck the Bears and fuck the Packers. I'm talking about ten thousand fucking dollars! I better not lose that money because some geriatric cock-sucker wants to take one last go of it. He rode off into the sunset. He better stay in the fucking sunset!!

It just shows you that you can never predict all the storylines for the Yankee season, unless of course you had kabbalah in the pool.

So Kabbalah tells the future? Great... I can track down Madonna and she can tell me what's gonna happen with this whole Favre thing, because I'm kind of worried that Big Tony's going to break my legs over some money.

(P.S. - No, I didn't REALLY bet any money on whether or not Favre would stay retired. I'm stupid, but not that stupid.)

Another Love Letter To Reyes.

2008-07-06T20:48:00.006-04:00

Jose Reyes has been playing with his head up his ass since last season and the media has been rightfully hammering him.

You knew sooner or later we would get this stupid article – Mike “Met Apologist” Lupica trying ease the pressure on his dopey broad boyfriend, Jose Reyes.

And yes, we have to endure this bullshit through Lupica comparing Reyes to Jeter, once again, having to compare Mets and Yankees to prove his point.

You know the way we roll here right now, because Jose Reyes is an easy target and so is his team.

This isn't about who is the most famous shortstop in town, or the one with the most rings, or the one who is the captain of the New York Yankees, or the one who makes almost as much money as any player in big-league history. This isn't about class or resume.

If this was about class and resume, there wouldn’t even be a column this week.

This is just about the baseball season being played and the way it is being played, as the All-Star break comes up fast, by the two shortstops in town, only one of whom ever catches a real beating.

Here’s a recent shitty article in the Daily News about Derek Jeter.

And here’s another.

Yep, Jeter never takes a beating from the media.

But which one of them is having a better year?

Jose Reyes has played 85 games. He has 361 at-bats, 63 runs, 106 hits, 21 doubles, 10 triples, 9 home runs, 38 RBI, 29 stolen bases, a .355 on-base percentage and a batting average of .294. In the field, he has those 12 errors.

Derek Jeter has played 81 games for the Yankees, has 323 at-bats, 48 runs scored, 91 hits, 16 doubles, 3 triples, 4 home runs, 36 RBI, 5 stolen bases, an on-base percentage of .345 and a batting average of .282. And seven errors.

Yes, it’s true: Reyes has better numbers this season, so far, than Jeter.

So why does Reyes get so more more grief than Jeter?

It’s not a mystery to anyone who has seen Reyes play at least two games this season.

Here’s why, Lupica:

Jeter = smart.
Reyes = dumb.

Jeter knows how to play the game smart, while Reyes often looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and it costs his team.

Please, his own manager refers to him as “she” and “her”. What the fuck does that tell you?

Lupica wonders why his boyfriend always gets the short end of the stick (not to be confused with the end of Lupica’s short stick), yet look at the laundry list of shittiness he writes about Reyes…

Again, this is stuff that LUPICA wrote about Reyes…

Reyes throws his glove

gets into it with announcers

did nothing the second half of last season when the Mets needed him more than they ever have

Reyes gets picked off bases

makes too many errors

the immature things he's done

the knothead plays he's made

he really did wander too far off base

tried to steal third base for no earthly reason.

He wrote all this shit, meanwhile he can’t figure out why Reyes gets slammed by the media.

Only one of them gets routinely blamed for doing everything but breaking up A-Rod's marriage.

Mike Lupica, premiere sports writer for the Daily News, kicking a guy as his marriage is falling apart.

Believe me, this is no attempt to get Reyes off the hook

HAHAHAhahaah BULLSHIT. You’ve been trying to get Reyes off the hook for the past year. It’s embarrassing.

So Lupicock writes about all of Reyes’ fuck ups, then says he’s not trying to get him off the hook, then he immediately takes Reyes off the hook with this…

Still: the storyline sometimes is that Reyes is the one to blame. He's not.

Let me get this straight: Reyes fucks up all the time, you aren’t trying to get him off the hook, yet he’s never to blame.

Can you say Met Apologist?

Yes, Reyes is fast, but he is dumb.

Just like Lupica’s wife.

Oh shit! I just knocked the guy’s marriage – can I be a premiere sports writer for the Daily News now?

For everything that has gone wrong this season for the Mets, they are four games out of first in the loss column. Jeter's team is 10.

Just to be clear – it has nothing to do with the Red Sox being great or the Rays being the best, or the NL East being a joke.

That’s right – the Yankees are 10 games out because Jeter sucks, and the Mets are only 4 games out because Lupica has wet dreams about Reyes.

Ding Dong, The Rivalry Is Dead

2008-07-03T12:51:00.001-04:00

Red Sox coming for weekend, but rivalry with Yankees might be taking a holiday

Yes it's true. The Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, which has been considered the biggest rivalry in the history of american sports, is officially on hold.

Maybe it will still be a Yankee-Red Sox season in the American League East before it is over, the way it always has been in the past. Maybe they will fight it out for first place in September the way they usually do. Maybe the Rays aren't for real, as real and young and talented and hungry as they look these days, against the Red Sox and everybody else. Maybe. It is not just a Yankee-Red Sox season so far, even if they are about to play four against each other at the Stadium over the Fourth.

Maybe you can stop using the word "maybe" over and over. You don't need to be a sports journalist to know that any of these things can happen. But thanks for pointing them out, Master Of The Obvious.

You want to understand why things look a little different in the American League in the season that has been played so far? Start here: Start with a Yankee-Red Sox series in September of 1997, when the Yankees were in second place behind the Orioles, where they would stay until the end of that regular season. The Red Sox were nothing that year, running third in the AL East, a couple of games under .500, years away from John Henry and Larry Lucchino and Tom Werner getting the team and changing baseball in Boston and New York forever.

Apparently, forever only lasts eleven years, because, according to the midget sports genius, the rivalry is being put on hold for this weekend.

And why does that series from '97 matter and why should you care about it? Because according to the Elias Sports Bureau, which knows everything, it was the last time the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox played against each other this late in a season - after Memorial Day - and at least one of them wasn't in first place at the time.

So Lupica is saying that nothing has happened between these two teams since 1997 that could have upped the rivalry.

Let's see - Aaron Boone, Pedro, Roger Clemens,1999 ALCS, 2003 ALCS, 2004 ALCS, 2007, both teams finishing in first and second place 10 of the last eleven years, 3 rings for the Yankees, 2 for the Red Sox, the Red Sox breaking the curse…throw all that out the window. It's all worthless, because neither team is in first place the first week of July in 2008.

That's right - there will be plenty of empty seats in Yankee Stadium this weekend, because conversations like the following are taking place all over the tri-state area and in Red Sox Nation:

Fan #1: "Hey, do you want to go to the Yankees - Red Sox game this weekend?"

Fan #2: "Holy crap let's go!!! Oh, wait a minute..."

Fan #1: "What's the matter?"

Fan #2: (flipping through Lupica calendar) "Well, it's already July 3rd, and neither team is in first place. That's not much of a rivalry."

Fan #1: "Wow, you are right. This four game series is gonna suck. Why don't you come over tonight and we'll watch some horribly effeminate reality TV, like 'Dancing With The Stars'?"

Fan #2: "That sounds great!"

Fan #1: "Don't forget the lube!"

It is still the Yankees against the Red Sox for four over a holiday weekend, ending up with one of those ESPN games on Sunday night that both teams hate. There will probably be at least one four-hour game, and maybe some hard feelings because of all the guys who got thrown at the last time they played at the Stadium. But for the first time in a very long time, neither one of them leads the division at this time of year, neither one of them leads the conversation in baseball.

And that, my friends, is the brilliant conclusion that Lupishit has come to - neither team is in first place, therefore, the biggest rivalry in sports is officially put on hold until further notice.

Mike, you are such a scary talent.

Monday and Tuesday night the Yankees pitched and didn't hit. Wednesday night they hit like crazy, hit all game long, came from behind twice, scored nine runs in an inning, tried to make up with this one night all the bad nights of this season when they left everybody on base. Before they busted out Wednesday night, the whole thing had started to get older at Yankee Stadium than, well, Madonna.

Yesterday, Douche Bag Mike wrote a trashy tabloid article about ARod and Madonna that would make the paparazzi over at The Inquirer blush.

Today? Well, the Madonna story, according to Lupica, is getting old. One day after he "earned" his paycheck writing about it. What a hack.

It is still the Yankees and the Red Sox this weekend, still a very big deal. Just nobody in first place this time.

The premise of this article is this: The Yankees - Red Sox rivalry is on hold because neither team is in first place.

And Lupica sums it up by saying this: The Yankees - Red Sox rivalry is alive and well, despite neither team being in first place.

Make up your mind, you retarded dwarf.

To Resolve Confusion...

2008-07-03T12:31:00.005-04:00

Sorry Lupica, the drama isn't all A-Rod's fault after all.

As you can see, Cynthia Rodriguez ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. Yup, that's right. C-Rod is frolicking about the city of lights with he of the Dr. Seuss lyrics and imposter-Hendrix poses.

So I guess that means that this is just your typical break-up. A-Rod and his wife are splitting up. Madonna and her husband are splitting up. A-Rod may or may not be giving the mushroom yogurt to Madge. And Cynthia Rodriguez may or may not be serving her taco to Lenny Kravitz.

Ultimately, the Yankees cranked out a season-high 18 runs yesterday. A-Rod homered again, giving him 17 on the year, despite the fact that he's missed a quarter of the games his team has played with his quad injury. He's doing his job, and his private life isn't really much of our business... although it'll be a little interesting to see him give Jeter a run for his money on the New York Celebrity Dating Circuit.

Welcome to the real world Mr. Lupica. Marriages end, people lie, true love doesn't always last forever, and sometimes the doctor is serious when he tells a seven year old boy that he'll never be as tall as his little sister.

P.S. - Adding a new tag, Rays Annual Late-July Choke. It's coming. Here's to hoping it's another fun tradition like the Sox Annual August Choke.

Madonna Is A Steroid Dealer

2008-07-02T10:21:00.006-04:00

There's really no other explanation for this latest nugget of Lupica genius.

Cashman smiled. "There's some story going around today about him and Madonna. That's the drama."

Yup, that's the drama. Which is to say that this is really just the latest bullshit that the General Manager of the most famous baseball team on the planet has to address. People aren't asking Cashman about deadline trades. They're not asking about Joba's progression as a starter or Mussina's resurgence, or the fact that despite missing 20 games this year, A-Rod is only 3 homers behind Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore and Carlos Quentin's 19 for the league lead. Cashman's talking to you about Madonna.

Think about that. Think about how fucking ridiculous that is. That the private business of two adults requires commentary from Cashman because one of them happens to play for the Yankees. Could you ever, in a million fucking years, imagine someone asking Cashman about who's waxing Derek Jeter's carrot this week? Jessica Biel? Minka Kelly? Jessica Alba? Vanessa Minnillo? Maybe it's Adriana Lima or Jordana Brewster!!

Another thing... has anybody ever noticed that Jeter seems to have the "Good Luck Chuck" effect on women? Carey married Nick Cannon. Biel's all tight with Justin Timberschmuck. Alba's engaged and pumping out a unit. Vannillo's with Nick Lachey. And Lima's engaged to Marko Jaric! Everybody he dates seems to marry the next guy that sticks around for breakfast.

A little over a year ago, almost 13 months exactly, there were the pictures of A-Rod in Toronto with a blond "exotic dancer" named Joslyn Noel Morse, the two of them not just photographed together but having been seen entering a strip club together, which still seems like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Yeah Lupica. A little over a year ago. And guess who the only person who still cares about it is? That's right! You, mother fucker!! You've got the memory of a 3 foot tall Lup-iphant. You never forget. And you also never forget to ram these crappy non-stories up the anal cavities of your non-readers. Where's the connection between these two events?

When asked about his blond friend in May of 2007, Rodriguez said, "No comment."
Which is what he said Tuesday on the field at Yankee Stadium when asked about the report in US Weekly that he had been seen making some late-night visits to Madonna's West Side apartment. Rodriguez said "No comment."

Well, there you have it. That's tabloid journalism at it's finest right there. It doesn't get much better than that if you're reading US Weekly or The Sun or The National Enquirer. Wait, you mean... this piece was run in the New York Daily News? A credible news publication that claims to have the number 1 sports section in the city?!

A-Rod said "no comment" about the stripper, and then he said "no comment" about Madonna. The only explanation is that "no comment" is A-Rod slang for "Yeah, I fucked that bitch doggie-style!" He needs his own way of saying things because he's the best right-handed hitter in the entirety of baseball. To make sure there's no confusion.

Now, if these stories about him and Madonna are true - and just for the sake of conversation today, let's say Rodriguez wasn't visiting Madonna for their book club - that means he has joined another kind of list, one that in the old days was supposed to have included Jose Canseco, who has been hinting for years, without proof, that A-Rod may have had more than a passing interest in steroids.

Here's where the magic starts! With a signature Lupica run-on sentence. Look at that baby go! SIX FUCKING COMMAS!! TWO HYPHENS!! This sentence is it's own paragraph. For an ordinary sports journalist, you write this sentence, you spell-check and your work is done!

Just in case you got lost in all the words and punctuation, lets examine what Mike's saying here.

Canseco screwed Madonna ----> Canseco did steroids
A-Rod might be screwing Madonna ----> A-Rod must have done steroids too.

By this logic, do you know who else has used performance-enhancing drugs? Guy Ritchie! Not to mention Chris Rock, David Blaine, Chris Paciello, Billy Zane, Andy Bird, Mark McGrath, Charles Barkley, Carlos Leon, Tupac, Dennis Rodman, Anthony Kiedis, Isabella Rossellini, David Duchovny, Big Daddy Kane, James Albright, Vanilla Ice, Lenny Kravitz, Antonio Banderas, Matt Dillon, Prince, Sandra Bernhard, JFK Junior, Sean Penn, Keith Carradine, David Lee Roth, Warren Beatty, Basquiat, Rosanna Arquette, Megan Mullally, Kelly McGillis, John Starks, Henry Rollins, Jennifer Grey and Henry Rollins.

Oh, and Naomi Campbell. I guess that explains her obvious 'roid rage.

There we have it, courtesy of New York's shortest journalist. The link between steroids and famous celebrities of all kinds is clearly Madonna. Thank God for you Mike Lupica. Now the healing process can genuinely begin.

Coming Next Week: Amy Winehouse spotted in Yankee Clubhouse, Giambi Suspected of Crack-Use.

Shooting From The...YAWWWWWWNNNN

2008-07-01T10:52:00.007-04:00

I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get a little bit tiring, constantly having to defend New York sports from the tyranny of the Keebler Elf Leader. Luckily for me, he actually picked a new topic for Sunday's Shooting from the Lip! Something he's never bitched or whined about!! The New York Knicks!!! Hooray!!!!

Also, we have another mention of Lupica's friends. He sure does seem to have a lot of them, doesn't he? Must be hard for him to remember all of their names and birthdays, not to mention his busy schedule of being a centerpiece in circle jerks all over the tri-state area. Well, before you shed a tear, let me assure you that none of Lupica's "friends" actually have names... because they don't fucking exist.

There is a Knicks fan I know, a big one, who happened to be in London this week.

Bullshit Mike. Who'd you bump into? Spike Lee? He wouldn't risk his street cred to talk to your midget ass! Don't even fucking lie to me. There are like 17 Knicks fans (including myself) in the entire world right now. You didn't find one of them in London.

The last time he attended the NBA draft in person was the night the Knicks traded away Marcus Camby and Nene, did all that and got Antonio McDyess' knee in return.

Yeah, that was a bad fucking trade. But now I know it's not Spike Lee, because there's no way he hasn't been to a draft in that long.

But the guy was sure interested in this one, and sure that he didn't want the Italian kid, Danilo Gallinari.

Of course your imaginary Knick Fan friend doesn't want Gallinari!! If he did, then you'd have no vehicle in which to drive this shitty article up the ass of the 17 actual Knick fans who give a shit.

The guy said that he had stayed with his team through everything, through what has become the worst era in Knicks history, stayed with them through Isiah Thomas, but that if Donnie Walsh drafted the Italian kid, he was done with the Knicks, that's it, goodbye, he'd wait to see if the Nets ever actually made it to Brooklyn.

This Knick fan sounds a lot like Mike Lupica, doesn't he? Lets be serious here. You're a Knick fan (one of the 17) and you've been through season after season of embarrassing, frustrating losses. You've been through Isiah Thomas, Eddie Curry, Larry Brown, Isiah Thomas, Starbury, Lenny Wilkens, Herb Williams, Isiah Thomas, Alan Houston's knees, Antonio McDyess's mummified corpse, Isiah Thomas's sexual harassment suit, Nate Robinson attacking Malik Rose in the shower and Isiah Thomas... and you're gonna quit on your team because they draft a guy that you don't like? Before you ever see the guy play a fucking game?

If this was actually said by a "Knick fan", and not made up in the dwarven brain of Mike Lupica, then whoever this "Knick fan" is... is the worst excuse for a bandwagon fan in the history of bandwagon fanhood. The Knicks haven't even HAD a bandwagon in at least 10 years... and this guy's just jumping off it now?

Speaking of riding dead horses, they just loaded Eight Belles into the starting gate at Belmont for the 1st race. Velazquez thinks he can get one more good run out of her.

He doesn't play any defense, and if we're ever going to get good again in my lifetime, we're eventually going to have to play some defense, right?

Did D'Antoni make them play defense in Phoenix? How'd they do out there? Oh, that's right. Better than the Knicks. And how do you know how much defense Gallinari plays? WE'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN HIM IN THE NBA!!!!!

The drafting of the Italian kid - and that's if Walsh and D'Antoni are right about him - is the start of the team's extreme makeover.

Because what's a Mike Lupica article without some reference to Reality TV?! Extreme Makeover - Knicks Edition!

The Knicks aren't just the worst team in town, they are the one furthest from being something.
I think the Mets are fucked a lot more than the Knicks, no offense Met fans. The Knicks have some young guys that have shown improvement with Nate Robinson, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler, and now Gallinari. They've got Marbury's expiring contract as a massive trading chip.

Lupica's boyfriends, the Mets, pillaged their minor league system for Johan, who already looks like he doesn't want to be here. Oliver Perez and Aaron Heilman also can't wait to get the fuck out of town. Beltran plays baseball 5 years older than he is. Castillo's locked up for 4 years. That team is basically "David Wright or Bust!" for the foreseeable future... and by the time they can do something serious to fix that, David Wright's probably going to want out too. But at least Reyes can dance... when he's not prompting the manager to threaten to cut him.

***

But Bill Clinton was here the other day and seems to be almost as big in England as Jerry Lewis is in France.

More important than the reality TV reference, is the veiled shot at guy who hasn't been the President in 7 1/2 years. Got any good Reagan jokes? How about Lincoln! Lincoln jokes are a gas!!

There's this sausage they sell at Wimbledon called a Dutchee and it's pretty good.

Mike Lupica loves the sausage.

Not bratwurst-in-Milwaukee good, but close enough

I mean, really fucking loves the sausage. Rather than pasting the rest of this, just trust me when I say that he goes on for another half a page about the sausage. How they poke it with a needle to make sure it's ready to be stuck in your mouth. How slow the line is. How he was as excited as a virgin on prom night about wrapping his lips around some big, hot, thick, juicy, British Sausage...

Bondy would have been a lot more impressed about my soccer knowledge if my 6-to-1 bet on Turkey against Germany had paid off, I can tell you that right now.

If any Turkish people are reading this, please note than this is the reason your team lost! Mike Lupica bet on them. I don't know how hardcore you guys are about soccer, but if you want to assassinate somebody for causing the loss to zee Germans, you should target Mike Lupica. He cursed them.

What part of "contract year" is Oliver Perez not getting so far?

The part where he's supposed to win games when his offense doesn't score any runs. If you had ever actually WATCHED a baseball game, you'd understand what I mean.

Who would have thought at the start of the season that Mike Mussina would come back and pitch the way Mets fans want Pedro to pitch?

Mike Mussina's ERA+ is 104 right now. That means he's basically league-average. He's got 10 wins because his team scores runs. That's not to say that he hasn't pitched well, but the bottom line is that he's not chasing a Cy Young or anything.

If Mussina was pitching for the Mets, he'd be 6-10 instead of 10-6, because the Mets don't have the offense to get a guy the win if he gives up 4 runs. And Lupica would bitch about wanting Pedro.

Red Sox fans have probably forgotten all that "Nancy Drew" stuff on J.D. from last season by now, I'm guessing.

Why? He's still a fucking faggot. And he's on pace to miss 28 games this season. He's currently played in 71/85. People call him "Nancy Drew" because he's softer than a newborn baby's ballsack! Not because he can't hit.

Twelve-year-old Shannon Hamilton, from Albuquerque, N.M., won the third go-round's ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer, and set the 2008 roping record in the process.

Welcome to the latest installment of "Using Don Imus's Charitable Deeds to Justify the Fact that He's a Fucking Racist!!"

I'm just hoping the Rev. Al doesn't have any problem with that.

Rev. Al doesn't have a problem with that. Rev. Al has a problem with Imus going on the radio and screaming racial slurs and stereotypes about black people to boost his fucking ratings. Unless you really believe that he was implying that "Pacman was unfairly targeted." Are you that stupid? I didn't think so. I'm not either.

They're not nearly as interested in the Subway Series here as you might think.

I wouldn't think that people in London give a shit about the Mets or Yankees. They have their own sports to worry about.

I had heard London was expensive. What I didn't know was that I was going to need a summer job when I got home.

Don't worry little boy. I'm sure the Daily News will set you up with a paper route to make extra money.

What?! You're a 53 year old man?! Can't they get you some growth hormones or something?!I guess you could be a chimney sweep! Maybe Santa needs help making the toys!!

Hidden Message?

2008-06-30T21:47:00.001-04:00

Number 2? Hmmm...

Contest: Add A Quote For This Pic!

2008-06-27T14:13:00.003-04:00

Look at this loser. Whoever comes up with the best quote to go along with this pathetic pic will get a free Enough Lupica sticker or shirt or whatever the fuck we come up with.

Add your quote below by clicking on "COMMENTS"

You can sign in as "anonymous" so you don't have to go thru the bullshit of registering.

Fred Wilpon Approved This Message

2008-06-24T09:50:00.006-04:00

How sad that the great Mike Lupica has to be a fan of such a shitty team.

As the Mets keep tripping over their own collective two feet, Lupica has to keep finding ways to make them look good. Lupica's taken the "Yankees Suck" route a million too many times, and now he's trying to find a new way to keep Fred Wilpon in his bed.

So Mike is now taking the route of "Met Apologist Of The Decade".

Read this bullshit and see how pathetic Lupica has become.

Yes, it's worse than ever.

Now what for the Mets?

It is a particularly good question for Fred Wilpon and Jeff Wilpon and Omar Minaya and even Tony Bernazard, a Mets vice president suddenly regarded as the John Dillinger of the National League by people who've never met him.

Right. Lupica never slammed someone he never met. What a load of horse shit. Everyone is saying Bernazard is a piece of shit, except Lupica. What does that tell you about the guy?

You ask where they go from here as much as you do all the Met ballplayers, unless you think the firing of Willie Randolph is the crime of the century in baseball and the people who did it can never come back from it.

Yes, crime of the century.

Typical Lupica, completely blowing things out of proportion to prove his point.

Now the people in charge go back to work and prove to their fans that they still know what they're doing, that they didn't turn into a complete bums with this one act

They are bums because they have the highest payroll in the NL and they SUCK. Their GM put together a team full of senior citizens and is putting too much faith in Wright and Reyes.

Wright has never heard the word "hustle" and Reyes has trouble tying his shoes. Hey, at least he runs fast.

Johan so far has been a bust, Wagner is a joke, Beltran will never live up to his contract, Castillo is signed for 4 years…need I go on?

It is absolutely fair to say that Randolph is the same guy who won 97 games two years ago and brought the Mets to within a swing or two of a World Series I believe they would have won.

Oh fuck it - the Mets only have two World Series titles; we won't mind if you want to change history and say they actually won their third in 2006. Go ahead!

Maybe we can all pretend the Mets didn’t collapse in historic fashion last season too.

It often happens like this in sports: You hire someone knowing who he is and end up firing him for the same reasons. It happened to Randolph the way it has happened to a lot of them. You can make the case that it even happened to Joe Torre at Yankee Stadium.

Considering Torre wasn't fired, you can't make the same case for him. Thanks for trying.

As bad as the Wilpons and Omar looked this week, they do have some work to do to catch up with the way the old man (Steinbrenner) did it in his prime

Lupica must be referring to how many World Series titles Steinbrenner has over Mike's new love interest Fred Wilpon.

Mike can keep slamming Steinbrenner, but at least the Yankees aren't the embarrassment of NY and the MLB.

Mr. Wilpon, can you please untie Lupica from your bed so he can get his dignity back and continue slamming the Yankees? Watching him try to defend your crappy team is bringing a tear to my eye.

6/22 Shooting From The Lip

2008-06-23T10:59:00.003-04:00

I don't even have the energy today to dissect the soft, careful critique that Lupiduck wrote about the Mets and Willie. All I'll say is that the story has been covered from every imaginable angle, including Willie Randolph writing his own perspective on it in the New this week. So just when every possible angle of coverage has been exhausted, here's Lupica to write another page and a half about it. Nothing new. Nothing controversial. Nothing smart. Just the same garbage you've already read. The clock now starts on how long Lupica will continue to talk about the Willie Randolph firing. We're taking bets. The under is September 2011.

I hope the Knicks go for Joe Alexander of West Virginia, just on his nickname alone: Vanilla Sky.

Drafting players based on their nicknames is a terrific way to get a top-flight player. I can see it now!!

David Stern: With the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai!!

Mel Kipper, Jr.: Wow, so the Bulls go a different route with Jawai! I really thought he was a late first rounder. He doesn't have a lot of upside potential, but I don't know. With a nickname like that he's almost got to be successful, doesn't he?

And another thing. Vanilla Sky was a Tom Cruise movie. Am I detecting a bit of short-bias from Lupica here? Tom Cruise is short, Lupica is... well... shorter. These midgets are starting to stick together.

I can't be positive about this, but I think Ray Allen just made another 3.

The reason he can't be positive, is because that would involve actually watching sports, which would interrupt Lupica's busy schedule of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Living Lohan, Denise Richards: It's Complicated and, of course, Celebrity Circus, where Mike Lupica is pulling for his cousin Wee Man.

My man Bob Ryan, Boston Globe, has said for years that Paul Pierce was the most gifted offensive player the Celtics have ever had, and Ryan turned out to be absolutely right.

Welcome to the latest episode of Lupica: My Man! Does it ever get less homoerotic? Nope.

Just for the record though, lets look at this for a second.

Paul Pierce, The Best Offensive Player in Celtics History: 23.1 PPG, 1 NBA title, 0 MVPs.
Larry Bird, The Piece of Shit Prick with a Bad Back: 24.3 PPG, 3 NBA titles, 3 MVPs.

Bob Ryan is a complete fucking moron. He's always been a complete fucking moron. And he's also short. So again, midgets fucking sticking together!!

Phil Jackson did so much scribbling during timeouts in Game 6, I thought he was making diary entries.

And yet Phil Jackson is an 11x NBA Champion, and has won 9 of those trophies as a coach. He's recognized as one of the 10 best coaches in NBA history. So I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that whatever he was scribbling was pertinent to trying to win a basketball game.

I'll tell you one thing that Phil Jackson WASN'T writing. Checks to the refs. Doc Rivers and the Bookies had already taken care of that.

Or starting a to-do list about finding players who don't think playing defense is some sort of parttime job.

It's hard to play defense when one team is being called for hand-check fouls while the other team is allowed to throw closed fists at Black Mamba's head without a whistle.

The Yankees really are in the middle of one of the softest interleague schedules in the history of the known universe: Astros, Padres, Reds, Pirates.

Compared to the Mets, who played the Rangers, the Angels... the Colorado Rockies... and the Mariners. The Angels are tough... but that's not exactly a buzz-saw until the Yankees get to town.

Michael Jordan does not let his team lose the way the Lakers did the other night and neither does LeBron James, and that's that.

Which is why the Cavs beat the Spurs for the NBA title last year!! Because LeBron refused to let his team lose... wait, what? The Cavs got swept in that series!? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about?

Give me the first pick and I pick LeBron every time.

Didn't we already discover in this very article, that Lupica drafts players based on nickname, so all this tells us is that he think "King James" is better than "The Black Mamba." Give me the first pick, and I'd take Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai.

Imagine the howling, from sea to shining sea, if the Celtics had ever quit playing on Doc Rivers the way the Lakers came to a complete screeching halt in Game 6.

You mean kind of the way the Celtics quit on Doc Rivers 10 games into the 2007 season?

Make me see "The Love Guru."

Please go see "The Love Guru." It was the worst piece of shit I ever watched... so you'll probably love it. Plus you can support the work of fellow gnome, Vern Troyer. But this is a weird random statement... even for you. What are you trying to segue into?

Speaking of Sen. Clinton: Where's her husband these days?

How could I not see it coming... this was a segue into a CLINTON JOKE!! Very classy of Lupica to keep beating the dead horse. Hey Mike... she's out of the race. She walked away. Shouldn't you be bashing Barack Obama and John McCain, while touting the candidacy of Hervé Villechaize (aka Tattoo from Fantasy Island)?

This Joke Only Works in Print...

2008-06-18T12:04:00.004-04:00

Here's a headline that I haven't spotted yet, but I'm hoping it's out there somewhere.

Yankees Wang and Red Sox Colon injured; sent to Disabled List

Sounds a whole hell of a lot like the Sox are getting fucked in the ass.

But everybody knows that the Yankees usually wait until August to do that.

Mike Lupica's Biggest Cop Out Of All Time.

2008-06-17T15:07:00.004-04:00

Mike Lupica's butt buddy and golf buddy, Mets owner Fred Wilpon, finally let Willie Randolph go in one of the most embarrassing, disgraceful, disrespectful ways of all time.

As all the other sports journalists in NY checked in with their nasty columns, calling the Mets hierarchy a bunch of bums, we waited for Lupica to check in with his puff piece, knowing that he can't rip his circle of jerks over in Flushing.

Mike, you outdid yourself today.

Not only did you gloss over the fact that the Mets are the joke of the MLB, but you didn't even write about the biggest NY sports story since the Giants won the superbowl.

All Lupica did today was resubmit a column he wrote almost four years ago, when Willie was meeting with the Mets, trying to become their new manager.

What a fucking copout. Your twisted friendship with Wilpon is keeping you from doing your job. You can't be objective about the Mets because you know Wilpon will no longer give you full body massages if you say anything remotely negative about the sorry state of his team.

You have no spine. You can't do your job.

You are a joke - hopefully you'll get canned at 3 in the morning.

An Article Mike Lupica Would Never Write.

2008-06-17T10:33:00.003-04:00

Check out how Mike Vaccaro of the New York Post rips the Mets to shreds on their firing of Willie...

What a crowd, these bums are, all of them, from the Wilpons at the top to Omar Minaya down below, all of them who conspired to botch this firing worse than any firing has ever been botched. Ever. You wouldn't trust these guys to run a 7-11, let alone a National League baseball team. What a joke. What a cowardly, dastardly joke.

A midnight massacre.

A 3 a.m. thrashing.

Disgraceful. Utterly, completely, disgraceful.

And here's the ridiculous part: They could have gone through the transaction of what they did – firing Randolph, firing Rick Peterson, firing Tom Nieto, elevating Jerry Manuel and Ken Oberkfell and Luis Aguayo and Dan Warthen, at any time across the past few weeks and they would have been perfectly justified.

Hell, if they wanted to raze the whole staff last October, after the epic collapse of September, that would have been all right, too. You may not have agreed with it (although a loud segment of Mets fans surely would have). But that would have simply been a baseball decision. And the baseball was enough to warrant it.

This? This is unspeakable. These men couldn't have been fired in New York, before heading on a plane and flying 3,000 miles to their doom? They couldn't have been spared the ignominy of a public perp walk back east, their dignity thrown into their carry-on luggage?

Really?

Is this the best the Mets can do? Is this really what they are about? Can they really consider themselves a professional operation when they do the simplest task in sports, firing the manager, this wretchedly?

Lupica could never write this, because Fred Wilpon will probably stop giving him reach arounds in the men's room at Shea.

Lupica, I fucking dare you to rip the Mets like they deserve to be.

I won't hold my breath.

Willie Randolph Gets The Axe.

2008-06-17T09:36:00.004-04:00

So Mike Lupica's Mets finally made a move and let Willie Randolph go. Willie Randolph, the man with the most rings in their entire organization, the manager who got the Mets to first place after 18 years, is gone.

How is a manager responsible when they have a team full of slackers and senior citizens?

Here are the "stars" of the Mets that got handed to Willie. What was he supposed to do with this bunch of losers?

Wright - slacker
Reyes - slacker and mildly retarded
Wagner - fucking loser
Pedro - old
Delgado - older than Shea
Beltran - hasn't hit .280 in FIVE YEARS
Castillo - who?
Santana - the one guy who can live up to the hype - congrats, he was only $150 million.

Lupidick is always making fun of the Yankees' problems - look the Mets you confused tool!

Mike loves to make fun of the ages of Yankees players, yet the Mets have the highest average age in the league.

Mike is always pointing out the payroll of the Yankees, even though they always make the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Mets have had the highest payroll in the NL for the last five years, and they have one postseason to show for it. But at least they had a strong showing in 2003 where they finished dead last, and who can forget last year's heroic finish to their season?

Mike is always slamming Steinbrenner for his mouth. His mouth? Look at how the Mets handled the firing of Randolph! "We support Willie!" Then they make him fly to the west coast, they win the game, then he gets the axe. Fucking stupid.

The Mets are a fucking joke. But we'll have to keep reading Lupica's Yankee hating bullshit because he's a douche.

I guarantee at some point in the season if the Yankees start surging and are in line to make the playoffs, Mike will write something like this...

The Yankees have had their share of injuries this year; the (insert Mets or Red Sox here) have had more.

Always knocking on the Yankees when the Mets are the laughingstock of the MLB.

Give it a rest, ass face.

Just In Case You Forgot What The Yankees Payroll Is...

2008-06-15T11:08:00.003-04:00

It’s Father’s Day, and in the world of Mike Lupica, that can only mean one thing…

It's time to point out the Yankees payroll again!

My feeling on our kids in Yankee pinstripes goes something like this:

When you're spending $200 million on baseball players, you're sort of not supposed to need a weak wild-card field to make the playoffs.

And here’s my feelings on Lupica being a total dick…

1. It’s the middle of JUNE, asshole.

Why would anyone be talking about the chances of the Yankees making the post season in the middle of fucking June?

Let’s take a look at where the Yankees have been on June 15th over the last several seasons, and how they made out.

June 15, 2007 – Yankees were 8.5 games back - won the wild card by 6 games
June 15, 2006 - Yankees were 1 game up - won the division by 10 games
June 15, 2005 - Yankees were 6.5 games back - won the division by .5 games
June 15, 2004 - Yankees were 4.5 games up - won the division by 3 games
June 15, 2003 - Yankees were.5 games up - won the division by 6 games
June 15, 2002 - Yankees were.5 games back - won the division by 10.5 games
June 15, 2001 - Yankees were 2 games back - won the division by 13.5 games

What does this all mean?

It means you can’t judge the postseason possibilities for a team in the middle of June…unless you are an asshole.

Like Mike Lupica.

2. How about that Mets payroll?

Lupica takes such pride in reminding us about the Yankees payroll. Unfortunately, he rarely (if ever) mentions the Mets $140 million payroll, and how great it’s been working out for them.

Let's take a look, Lupica style...

1.When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to need a team like the Washington Nationals to keep you out of last place.

2. When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to be wondering if your team is gonna can your manager because your team blows.

3. When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to be the league leader in Geritol ingestion.

4. When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to be given a free pass on your payroll by short douche bag sports journalists.

Check out what the Midget says right after he knocks the Yankees…

Hold the phone, are the Detroit Tigers actually about to join the baseball season?

This is comedy:

Detroit Tigers – 4th place, 7 games back
New York Mets – 4th place, 7 games back

Happy Fathers Day, asshole.

Congrats on your shocking ability to reproduce, and on finding a poor woman who actually let you.

Here We Go Again!

2008-06-12T17:16:00.004-04:00

"The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer." - Mike Lupidwarf

I think they have one too many.

Scooter > Keith Hernandez

2008-06-11T17:09:00.003-04:00

Here are the reasons why Phil Rizzuto owns Keith Hernandez in every way.

Phil Rizzuto is a Hall of Famer. Keith Hernandez will never get into the Hall... unless he buys a ticket. And even if he did, he'd probably pull a hamstring walking through the door.

Phil Rizzuto was on more World Champion Teams (7) than Hernandez was on All-Star Teams (5).

Rizzuto's broadcasting can be heard in the Meatloaf song "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights." People usually press the mute button when Hernandez is talking. Even in real life.

Hernandez didn't lose years of his career because of WWII.

The Scooter never railed against women's equality on the air.

Rizzuto also didn't squander his talent and chances at winning during coke parties with Tim Teufel.

More Daily News Bullshit Headlines...

2008-06-11T09:58:00.002-04:00

So the Yankees got a great start out of Wang last night and got the win, getting their record over .500 at 33-32.

The Mets lost their fifth straight to the lowly NL West, dropping their record to 30-33.

If you click on the Sports section of the Daily News website today, you'll see these headlines:

Bondy: Yankee win is nothing to go wild about yet

Ziegel: Despite defeat, Mets might see magic in numbers

Are you fucking kidding me?

I Just Thought You Should Know That.

2008-06-11T09:30:00.004-04:00

Don't you love it when Lupishit prefaces some cherry-picked Yankee stat, trying to make a good player look like some sort of hack, with the phrase "I just thought you should know that"?

Like when he compared HOF bound Jeter to wife beater Lugo?

Or his other fucking assholish phrase, "Here's a fun fact"?

Like when he compared 5 tool machine ARod to no glove Ortiz?

Since Lupiskirt declared Josh Beckett the ace of the universe, I like to throw it back in his face with some of my own useless cherry picked stats.

Here's Mister Ace's line from last night...

I just thought you should know that.

Fun fact, indeed.

The Mets Need More Suck In Their Bullpen..

2008-06-09T09:53:00.006-04:00

I gotta thank Mister Six for introducing me to the Lupica Curse, because it's just comedy.

From a few weeks ago, Lupidick gave us this little (haha, get it? "little?") nugget of wisdom...

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

From yesterday...

Just another great call from the Daily News sports "genius", Mike Lupica.

New York Baseball Blows! Reality TV Rules!

2008-06-07T23:03:00.006-04:00

I finally figured it out.

Mike wants to score with Simon Cowell.

It all came to me today when I read this article, that not only bashes the Yankees (shock), but the Mets too!

I guess he gave up on Reyes and is moving on to bigger and better (and British) things.

The New York baseball season hasn't happened yet, has it?

Wow, that American Idol really sucked you in, Mike.

Unless you think this is all the Yankees and Mets have.

Really, this is what the baseball season in New York has been so far:

One start for Joba.

All the talk about Willie Randolph's job.

Actually, if you were a fan (which you obviously are not) you would know there is a lot going on.

About 120 games between the two teams; some good, some bad, some ugly.

This is why fans watch baseball – because we never know what’s going to happen.

Kind of like how you watch reality TV, except in our case, there is talent on our TVs.

And Hank Steinbrenner talking, constantly, almost every day, every news cycle, as if somebody has injected him with truth serum, talking about everything and everybody as if talking can turn him into his old man.

An owner is disappointed in his incredibly high payrolled team. He’s not allowed to talk about it? How come it’s only you who is allowed talk? No one even listens to your sorry ass. They just read your dopey articles, shake their heads in disappointment, then line their birdcage with your weekly garbage.

There is so much that we don't know about these two teams after more than two months of the season.

Exactly, you douche bag! We don’t know if they are going to stay at .500, or if they are going to face each other in the world series.

This is why fans watch the games. We are into it. You, obviously, are not.

So fuck off.

… I always go into the men's final at the French thinking my man Federer has a chance to beat Nadal.

Your man. Please. We all know there is more than one man.

Be proud of your homosexuality, Mike. Embrace it.

You wonder if all the other baseball networks covered Jason Giambi's checked swing Friday night as if it were part of some vast right-wing conspiracy.

You have a problem with YES questioning a possible game-changing bad call? It was a shitty call; they talked about it.

You call this journalism, Mike? You couldn’t come up with anything better? Not even a reality TV comparison, or a comparison to Obama beating Clinton?

Jeez you are slipping.

Although I do like how you always compare a Yankee story to some national event.

So predictable...and stupid.

Their personalities couldn't be more different, but there are a lot of nights during the baseball season when Keith Hernandez is as fun and unpredictable and occasionally as loopy as Scooter used to be.

Yeah, like when he went off about a girl being in a dugout instead of at home washing dishes.

Fun, unpredictable, and loopy, indeed.

Maybe you can add in "drunk" and "high on coke," like he was in the '86 Mets dugout.

Go suck his cock and get it over with.

You keep thinking the networks have reached new bottoms when it comes to their reality-show choices, but now here comes, "I Survived a Japanese Game Show."

What do you call a reality TV addict?

I call them assholes.

No one would ever call me a hockey guy…

Newsflash – no one would ever call you a guy.

I sort of had a feeling that Paul Pierce hadn't suffered some sort of compound fracture of the right knee when he went down Thursday night.

Because you are such an athlete Mike.

My second son, Alex, graduated on Friday.

I wonder if Mike remembers life before Tivo…imagine all the family shit he must have missed because of his reality TV schedule.

www.enough-MichaelKay.com?

2008-06-06T19:37:00.003-04:00

Top of the second inning of tonight's Yankee, runner on first with Teahen hitting for the Royals.

Teahen hits a dribbler that Cano fields and flips to Jeter for one... back to first and Teahen is safe on a very close play. So how can a broadcast team fuck it up? Simple...

Michael Kay starts talking about the old "little league" rule of "tie goes to the runner." He talks about how there's NO SUCH THING AS A TIE and nothing in the rulebook about a tie. And that the defense or the runner always has an advantage.

And then he watches the replay and concludes that IT WAS A TIE!!!!

Just for the record, the reason there's no rule about "tie goes to the runner" is simple. What constitutes a tie?

The runner hits the base at the exact moment that the defensive player hits the base with the ball. Which means that the runner's foot is on the base when the defensive player hits the base with the ball.... which means that he's safe. It's not a tie. The runner is on the base. End of story. Michael Kay's failure to understand the most basic premises of the rules of the game of baseball is stunning and he should be fired.

Don't be a dick, Bill Madden.

2008-06-06T09:38:00.003-04:00

The fucking Daily News strikes again.

What the hell is up with these assholes? Is Lupica the sports editor now?

Bill Madden wrote this article about yesterday's dramatic win yesterday, and this was the title of his story...

Ending with bang won't start boom

Pack it in Yankees, your win yesterday will NOT have any affect on the upcoming games and the rest of the season. None. Won't. Will not happen. No chance.

Madden makes it perfectly clear that yesterday's game will NOT be the start of anything.

So check out the first sentence of his article...

It remains to be seen, of course, just how much momentum such an exhilarating and unexpected walk-off win over one of the teams ahead of them in their own division will have for these very imperfect Yankees. (Emphasis mine).

So what the fuck? Why have the doomsday headline, then completely contradict it in the first five words of the article?

You had to shit on the Yankees with a completely inappropriate headline?

I'm not saying yesterday's game will lead to a 20 game win streak, but to say it won't help is just subjective Lupishit.

Then having to clarify (contradict) the headline in the first sentence shows one of two things.

A) Some Mets fan hack comes up with the headlines, or
B) You are a dick.

Enough with the bullshit. Stop making yourself look like a Lupicock wannabe.

4 Reasons Not To Panic

2008-06-04T10:14:00.005-04:00

As the post suggests, these are the reasons why people shouldn't freak out over Joba Chamberlain's outing last night. They're pretty simple and obvious when you think.

1) It's the first start of his major league career and gives little to no indication of what kind of pitcher he's going to be.

2) The Blue Jays knew he was on a 60-70 pitch count. It was the first game of a series, and you can bet your grandma's kneecaps that their manager told them to make him throw and try to get him out of there quickly so the bullpen would have to work a lot of innings. Dan Giese did a nice job of not letting them completely burn out our bullpen last night. If anything, it was a bad idea to publicly announce what his pitch count was going to be, but no biggy.

3) Joba only gave up 1 hit. The four walks are the byproduct of #2, these guys were UP THERE TO TAKE PITCHES. They weren't going to swing at anything borderline. Did you see anybody swing at his first pitch? Ever? They were probably up there taking a strike. This is because of the pitch count.

4) Shannon Stewart scored on a walk, a balk, a passed ball and a groundout. And Alex Rios didn't even score on Joba!! Joba walked Rios, they brought in Dan Giese... and GIESE was the one who allowed Rios to steal second, get to third on Molina's throwing error... and score on ANOTHER GROUNDOUT! This game didn't go into the can until Veras and Edwar shit all over it. It was a 3-2 game in the 6th inning. It's not as though we got blown out.

So to summarize, as Joba works into form and his pitch count is loosened, his outings will be longer and better. Guys will go back to swinging out of their shoes to try to hit his nasty fastball/slider combination. The curve and change will work into form. And this kid's going to be a successful starting pitcher. I know this isn't the kind of content we usually post here (specifically because it's not attacking Mike Lupica in any way, even though he is a fucking gimp), but I felt like it was necessary to calm you guys down. Because I hate to see you upset.

And in case you can't tell, I really like the "Kickassingest" tag! I think we should use it whenever Joba is involved. Forever.

And another thing... are Met fans really shitting their pants and then dancing in those same shitted pants because Pedro went 6 innings on 3 runs, 7 hits and 3 walks? Against the weakest offense in the last 20 years of baseball history? And beat Barry Zito? Grats on that. We'll keep Joba.

Joba's First Start; Lupica Nauseates...

2008-06-03T18:28:00.005-04:00

Christ, I can't stand this midget asshole!

Remember a few days ago, when our favorite little munchkin said this?

I keep waiting for the news that Joba's first start has been declared an instant national sports holiday.

I guess Lupica doesn't really think Joba's first start in the majors is a big deal, right?

Then two fucking days later, he writes an article about Joba's first start!

I thought it wasn’t a big deal, mini-bitch?

He's just crying because Joba's first start is so much more appealing than Pedro's first start.

They turn Yankee Stadium into "American Idol" Tuesday when Joba Chamberlain gets the ball against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Actually, "they" will be playing a baseball game. No one has mentioned a reality TV show except, as usual, a sad sports columnist who had to play "reality sports" as a child...because no one picked him to play on their team.

The Yankees put as much on a young pitcher, even one who can throw baseballs 100 miles per hour, as they have on any young pitcher they've ever had.

How? By asking him to start a game as opposed to relieve in a game? Is anyone asking, or even hinting, that Joba has to be the savior of the 2008 Yankees?

They are asking a starting pitcher in the minors, who has had success as a major league reliever, to be a starting pitcher in the majors. Is it that big of a stretch?

It's like Hank Steinbrenner and Yankee fans voted often enough and now a kid who was pitching in the low minors a year ago gets a start in the big house, ready or not.

Ready or not? What the fuck is Lupica talking about? He was a starter, now they are making him a starter. Get a grip, asshole.

They have had just about everything since they have been Steinbrenner's Yankees. They have had more money and more controversy than everybody else in baseball. They have brought the World Series back to the Stadium. They have given us Joe Torre and Derek Jeter and A-Rod and Roger Clemens and Rivera and Posada.

Did you notice he said Rivera? This will be important after a few more lines of bullshit…

They have given us four million in attendance and $200 million in salaries every single year and remain the greatest (regular-season) baseball show on earth.

Yay! $200 million! Now we KNOW Mike Lupica MEANS BUSINESS.

I like how the little dick says that Steinbrenner's Yankees are the greatest regular-season baseball show on earth.

Is there another baseball team owner out there that has 6 or more world series titles?

The Yankees have given us everything except this:

Except a pitching phenom.

I like the overuse of the word "except."

Let me try that word in a sentence…

"The Yankees never had a pitcher from their farm turn into a phenom, except MARIANO RIVERA!"

How is a pitcher, regarded as one of the best, if not the best, closer of all time NOT considered a phenom?

Why do I hate Lupicock? I have no idea.

The Yankees don't develop pitching. They buy it used.

Because, as everyone knows, the Mets and Red Sox have their pitching staffs full of guys from their farm system, right?

Mets Best Starting Pitchers (ERA) In The Last Ten Years
2008 - Santana…NOT FROM FARM
2007 - Perez… NOT FROM FARM
2006 - Glavine… NOT FROM FARM
2005 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
2004 - Leiter… NOT FROM FARM
2003, 2002 - Traschel… NOT FROM FARM
2001 - Leiter… NOT FROM FARM
2000 - Hampton… NOT FROM FARM
1999 - Leiter… NOT FROM FARM

Red Sox Best Starting Pitchers (ERA) In The Last Ten Years
2008 - Dice K… NOT FROM FARM
2007 - Beckett… NOT FROM FARM
2006 - Schilling… NOT FROM FARM
2005 - Wakefield… NOT FROM FARM
2004 - Schilling… NOT FROM FARM
2003 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
2002 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
2001 - Wakefield… NOT FROM FARM
2000 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
1999 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM

Yankees Best Starting Pitchers (ERA) In The Last Ten Years
2008 - Wang… FROM FARM
2007 - Wang… FROM FARM

Need I even finish the rest of the list?

Nice job, Lupidick!

Enough-DJ Gallo.com?

2008-06-03T15:37:00.004-04:00

Maybe it's time... because D.J. Gallo over at ESPN Page 2 is becoming a regular contributor to this page. Contributor of stupid, hacky, stupid, shitty Yankee-bashing bullshit, that is.

The one thing that separates this from the usual stupid shit that I see though, is that this guy isn't bashing the Yankees. He's flat-out bashing Yankee FANS.

When Sox fans get all excited about Clay Buchholz or Jon Lester or Justin Masterson, that's A-Okay, but if Yankee fans are amped up about the first start of their All-World 22 year-old setup man, that's somehow wrong? And a reason to make shitty jokes at their expense?

As I assume you know -- being the good American you are -- Joba Chamberlain's first major league start is tonight. (OMG!!!)

Yeah, because obviously if you don't follow baseball, you're a fucking terrorist. OMG!!!ROFLWTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!111oneoneone!

This is obviously one of the biggest events in world history. I mean, he's a legitimate prospect … and he plays in New York … for the YANKEES! (OMG again!!!)

Yeah, obviously this is huge!! Cuz the Yankees NEVER march legitimate prospects out there. Wang and Cano? Fuckin' flukes. Melky? What a piece of shit. Pettitte and Mo Rivera? Flashes in the pan. And Jeter was a lucky grab, I mean... where'd they get that guy? In the 829th round of the draft?

The Yankees don't have homegrown guys like the Sox. Guys like Manny Ramirez, JD Drew, Coco Crisp, Mike Lowell, Julio Lugo, Jason Varitek and David Ortiz!! Guys who came up with the Sox. Wait... you mean they traded for... or bought all of those guys? No fuckin' way, bra! You're totally shitting me about this!!

Major World Event: Fall of the Berlin Wall, 1989
Why This is Bigger: It took the Germans several weeks to bring down a wall? Joba could have reduced it to dust in an instant with a single fastball. Heck, he could have done it with his changeup. And I don't mean now either. I mean he could have done it with his changeup back in 1989, when he was 4.

Yeah, because Joba is fuckin' King Kong man! Joba laid down to sleep once and his cock hit the ground. The earthquake that resulted killed 250,000 people and created the San Andreas fault! Ever since, Joba has slept standing up, like a mighty stallion!!

Major World Event: Written language first developed, c. 3500 BC
Why This is Bigger: Granted, the development of written language was a fairly big deal. But what has it really been good for all these years? We haven't had anything truly worthy of being described via written word. But now, thanks to Joba's arrival, we can let beautiful poetry spill out of us, and finally start accurately using adjectives like "perfect," "best," "greatest" and "kickassingest."

Yeah DJ Gallo! Plus without written words, how would stupid asshole douchebag fucking bandwagon Yankee fans like us congregate on fan boards to talk about how Joba is going to throw 7,400 innings a season and strike out 58.4 million batters in his career by throwing that Bugs Bunny Loop-de-loop Curveball mixed with his 8,349 MPH fastball?

And really, "kickassingest"? That's your fucking joke? Kickassingest? You really can't be fucking serious. Asskickingest? Can you at least give me that?

Major World Event: Albert Einstein publishes his theory of relativity, 1905
Why This is Bigger: Time travel is possible, eh? What a load of bunk. If time travel was possible, a Red Sox fan from the future would have already come to the present day to take Joba Chamberlain out because Joba is inevitably about to lead the Yankees to 20 consecutive World Series championships.

Actually, a Red Sox fan DID discover time travel in October of 2003, but then Aaron Boone sent that Wakefield offering into the upper deck, and that Sox fan got so fucking drunk on the mixture of Jagermeister, Peach Schnapps and his own tears that he forgot the secret to time travel. I'll give you guys a hint though.... 1.21 Gigawatts!! Which is also the amount of electricity generated by a bolt of lightning... or a Joba Chamberlain fastball.

Major World Event: The "Big Bang," 13.7 billion years ago
Why This is Bigger: Do you ascribe to the "Big Bang" theory? Fine. But something had to come before the big bang. And I know what it was: Joba threw a fastball off of God's batting helmet because he was crowding the plate.

HAHAHAHA!!!!! I GOT YOU NOW DJ GALLO!!!!

Joba Chamberlain couldn't POSSIBLY have thrown a ball at God's head... know why? BECAUSE JOBA CHAMBERLAIN IS GOD!!! The Sox are sooOOoOOooOoOo fucked!!

Major World Event: Yankee debut of Hensley Meulens, 1989
Why This is Bigger: Yeah, I think Joba's start will definitely have a greater long-term impact than Meulens' first game in pinstripes. Or so Yankees fans hope.

I'm not entirely sure I see the correlation between Chamberlain (1st Round Pick in 2006, Pitcher) and Hensley Meulens (International Free Agent, Outfielder).

Is this joke intended to imply that Chamberlain will falter as a starter and flame out of baseball? Because last I checked, if he's no good as a starter, the Yankees can still probably move him back to the bullpen, where he'll be our set-up man/closer for the next 15 years.

I think Jon Papelbon will definitely have a greater long-term impact than Izzy Alcantara's first game in a Sox Uniform! Or at least Red Sox fans hope.

Congratulations Manny Ramirez For Joining Elusive Club.

2008-06-02T21:47:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to say congratulations to Manny Ramirez for joining the 25 Minutes Of Showboating Club. At an average of 3 seconds of showboating per HR, Manny Ramirez has reached the 25 minute milestone after hitting his 500th HR.

Congratulations Manny! A class act all the way!

Fun Facts About Lupica's Good Friend Paul Westphal

2008-06-02T17:18:00.003-04:00

Six can do "fun facts" posts too! Take that Fafa!!!

Paul Westphal was, in fact 191-88 as Phoenix's manager.

Fun Fact #1 - Players on his team during those years include Kevin Johnson, Dan Majerle, Charles Barkley, Danny Ainge, Cedric Ceballos, Tom Chambers, Richard Dumas, Wayman Tisdale and A.C. Green.

Fun Fact #2 - Westphal was fired because Phoenix started out 14-19 in the 1995-96 season despite a team featuring Charles Barkley, Michael Finley, Kevin Johnson, Danny Manning, Wesley Person and Wayman Tisdale (who all averaged double-digit scoring that year). 6 Guys averaging double-digits + .424 winning percentage = fired. Especially when you haven't won a ring with all that talent yet.

Fun Fact #3 - Westphal was 76-71 as coach of the Seattle Sonics from 1998-2001, with teams that included Gary Payton, Detlef Schrempf, pre-alcoholic Vin Baker and Rashard Lewis.

Fun Fact #4 - From 1996 when the Suns dumped him, to 1998 when the Sonics hired him, Paul Westphal was an assistant coach for a High School Team in Arizona.

Paul Westphal lost the Phoenix job because they underachieved in the Playoffs... and then sucked in the regular season.

And he lost the Sonics job, because he sucks. He's lucky to be an assistant coach now, and I pity the next team who hires him as a head coach.

The New York Mets Payroll is Still $140 Million Dollars!

2008-06-02T13:20:00.017-04:00

I told you that's the name of every post I do from now on... okay, not really. But you laughed, didn't you? Shooting from the Lip. For the record, isn't the phrase "shooting from the hip"? Is that what passes as witty wordplay these days? Am I getting old? Or is Lupica just a complete fucking douchebag?

Tom Coughlin's football Giants finished one of those seasons just four months ago, the greatest finish and the greatest season any New York sports team has ever had.

Really Mike? So the 2008 Giants had the greatest season in New York history?

What about the 1996 Yankees? You remember? Down 2-0 and came back? Wade Boggs riding around the Stadium on a Pony and crying? The end of an 18-year drought for the Yanks? Jeter's legacy beginning? Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden getting their second rings? David Cone? Jimmy Key? Rivera-to-Wetteland?

Shit, what about the 1986 Mets? Doc and Darryl and Keith and at least 700 lbs of cocaine? And Lenny Dykstra walking around the clubhouse with steroids in a fucking I.V. drip? Mookie and HoJo and Lee Mazzilli and George Foster? Buckner handing the series to Los Mets in a refrigerator box?

What about the 1994 New York Rangers? 1940!! 54 Years!! The Curse is Over!! Now I Can Die in Peace signs!! Stephane Matteau!! Messier's guarantee!! Does any of this ring a bell at all? Mike? Are you there? Mike?

I've gone back as far as 1986 and listed 3 different championship seasons better than the 2008 Giants. Don't get me wrong, I love the Giants, and I'll be forever grateful to them for ruining the Pats perfect season... but greatest championship in New York History? Sorry, but no.

But no one we are going to have will win as long and as often as Joe Torre did.

Know who won more than Joe Torre here? Casey Stengel. Know who else? Joe McCarthy. Know what they have in common? None of them are the SOLE REASON the Yankees won championships. None of them hit or pitched the Yankees to a ring as the manager. None of them made a diving grab in Game 7.

Stengel and McCarthy had terrific, amazing, outstanding baseball players. Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra, etc. You know the names.

Torre had the biggest, most ginormous payroll in baseball history, as Lupica can't stop reminding us. He also had O'Neill, Tino, Bernie, Jeter, Wade Boggs, Pettitte, Key, Cone, Clemens, Mo Rivera, Graeme Lloyd, El Duque, Hideki Irabu, Jorge, Scott Brosius, Homer Bush, Chuck Knoblauch, Chad Curtis, Shane Spencer, the mummified corpse of Glenallen Hill, Jimmy King Leyritz and Halle Berry's ex-husband! So lets not act like Torre managed the Yankees to anything that my fucking Shar Pei couldn't have managed them to.

He is, by all accounts – and starting with his account – thrilled to be in L.A. and thrilled to be a Dodger, even with his young team fighting to stay around .500. Good for him.

The warm weather is probably nice for his old body. And his young team is seriously underachieving, despite a strong pitching staff, good bullpen, and nucleus of GREAT young offensive players (who usually get benched in favor of veteran stiffs.)

Maybe he will win another World Series there, or two, be as big all over again with the Dodgers as Phil Jackson has become with the Lakers.

Probably not. And how many rings has Phil Jackson won without having the hands-down, unquestionably BEST talent in the game?

How many 'St. Louis Cardinals in 2006, how the fuck did they actually win' championships has Jackson won? Here's a clue. The same number that Torre's won. Fucking zero. Stop sucking their cocks. Winning when you should makes you good. Winning when you shouldn't makes you a legend. Wasn't that your point about the 2008 Giants?

Blah blah blah and some meaningless shit about what a nice guy Joe Torre is, even though I personally called for his fucking head every time the Yankees lost for the last 7 years. Now that he's gone, I feel like waxing poetic about the fucking guy because it's another subtle way to criticize the Yankees while ignoring the $140 Million Dollar tank-job that's happening across town.

Well, he might as well have said it.

---

I keep waiting for the news that Joba's first start has been declared an instant national sports holiday.

And I keep waiting for the Mets to win a World Championship. You've been waiting a couple of weeks. I've been waiting for over 20 fucking years. So shut the fuck up you pudgy, grey-haired, vertically-challenged little cunt.

A year ago at this time the Yankees were trying to keep from falling 15 games behind the Red Sox and this time they are already 10 games closer than that even with all the time that A-Rod missed.

Possible reasons the Yankees are 10 games closer this year:

A) The Red Sox aren't out to a 37-17 start.

B) Joe Torre is willing the Yankees to perform better from Los Angeles as a favor to Joe Girardi.

C) The Yanks are 8-3 since A-Rod came off the DL?

D) The best offensive player in the AL missed a bunch of time with a quad injury.

If you chose D, please slam your face into your computer screen repeatedly. I'll tell you when to stop.

The AL East is better this time around, starting with the Rays.

Did you listen to me? The Red Sox were 37-17 on June 2 last year. The Rays are 35-22. The Rays are not as good as the Sox were last year... and the number of games back is determined solely by relationship to the division leader. So "games back" is probably a shitty way to measure the quality of a division.

If the Mets want to make a run at Kevin Millar sometime this summer, well, that's fine with me.

What? Like if they cut Carlos Degado... and want to replace him with someone who'll give them the EXACT SAME LACK OF PRODUCTION?

Kevin Millar: Age 36. Stats: .236/.330/.379, 8 HR, 26 RBI.

Carlos Delgado: Age 36. Stats: .224/.306/.383, 8 HR, 25 RBI.

It's hard to find two players who's statistics through 200 at bats are that fucking similar. That is actually kind of amazing.

If my man Barry Melrose is coaching the Tampa Bay Lightning, I'm ordering my Lightning cap and T-shirt today.

Your man? Are you coming out of the closet Mike? And another thing... when did you become aware that Hockey is a sport? Did Barry whisper it in your ear last night?

So I'm sort of wondering when my good friend Paul Westphal, who was merely 191-88 his first time around with Phoenix, gets a call from the Suns.

Your good friend Mike? Yeah, Lupica Friends tag added. Just for the record, here are the known definitions of the word "friend" in the Encyclopedia Lupica:

1) Human-shaped plastic or rubber apparatus into which air is blown and is then used for sexual pleasure. See also: Blow-up Doll

2) Fuzzy, stuffed animatronic talking bear. See also: Teddy Ruxpin

3) Anyone who has berated or completely ignored Mike Lupica. See also: Joe Torre, Paul Westphal, John Calipari, Larry Brown, The Spice Girls (shortly after filing the restraining order)

Who's wearing the thong now, Abreu or Cano?

Allow me to rephrase this question.

Who's wearing the thong now, Lupica or Barry Melrose? And what is Jose Reyes going to say when he finds out?

An Enough-Lupica-Style Fantasy

2008-05-29T10:27:00.003-04:00

Just to show how much we love our readers, and that we listen to you guys, and that we're here to entertain and amuse you guys at the expense of people who piss us off, I'm going to delve into the fiction genre with Mark's idea. Plus it's a really cool idea. For the record, the following is an act of fiction and any similarities to events that have happened... or may *cough-hopefully-cough* happen are purely coincidental.

It was a loud, rambunctious night following a Yankee win over the Chicago Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series, and quite a scene was unfolding across the street from the Ballpark in the Bronx at Billy's, as members of the Yankees television and radio broadcast teams came out in public to join in the celebration. The bar was packed to the gills, when suddenly, in through the front door came Daily News Columnist and Short People's Society President Mike Lupica and his Yankee Friends (a blow-up doll in a Red Sox t-shirt and a Teddy Ruxpin bear.) He headed over to the group of Yankee Broadcasters which included Michael Kay, Suzyn Waldman, Ken Singleton, John Flaherty and John Sterling for an impromptu Sports Reporters-style debate.

As the conversation grew louder and louder, with Mike Lupica climbing onto a table so that his child-like person could be both seen, and heard, the bar began to empty. Real Yankee fans spilled out into the streets to continue their celebration away from the nauseating combination of Kool Aid and criticism.

The group continued their discussion, oblivious to the now-empty bar, so oblivious in fact, that they failed to notice the behemoth-like man in head-to-toe black who had just slipped in through the front door, a ski-mask covering his head, a Louisville Slugger in tow.

"A team with a payroll of exactly $209,157,892.77 should win the World Series every year!" proclaimed Lupica, as he stomped angrily on the bar.

"But oh my goodness gracious!! The only thing that could make this night any better was if Roger Clemens were here!" squealed Waldman!

Lupica screamed, "ROGER CLEMENS USES STERO...." but was unable to finish his sentence, as the dark figure had stalked across the room and swung that mighty wooden bat, knocking Lupica off the bar about 70 feet to the back wall like he was a hanging slider.

"Enough is enough...you guys are all hacks" said Lupica's assailant as he began swinging wildly at Michael Kay's oversized head, which exploded much like a watermelon at one of those shitty Gallagher comedy shows.

Ken Singleton tried to flee the scene, but to no avail as the mysterious figure hurled a baseball, hitting him in the back of the neck and killing him with nothing short of a Joba Chamberlain fastball.

Now it was Flaherty's turn, as Waldman and Sterling cowered behind the former major leaguer, but as the black-hooded man bludgeoned Flaherty something terrible happened! The bat broke!!! However would he manage to kill Waldman and Sterling now!?

Alas, not one to be stopped by a mere broken bat, the man lifted Waldman by her ankles and proceeded to beat John Sterling to death with her melon-fucking-head, also killing Waldman.

He then stalked over to Mike Lupica, who was just regaining consciousness, looking up at the man who would surely be his executioner....

"Wh... why... are you... doing... this.... oh, and by the way, what was Jason Giambi really apologizing for anyway? He never said.... uhhhh... ohh... the pain...." mumbled Lupica through his broken jaw.

The figure stood proudly, looking down at Lupica as he pulled off his hood to reveal a familiar face... it was...

BOBBY MURCER!!!

"I did this because a true Yankee can only listen to your bullshit for so long before he's gotta do something about it. I got a fucking tumor from listening to those assholes for all those years!" said Murcer, "But don't worry... you'll live to tell about this."

Murcer then stomped down on Mike Lupica's skull, crushing it under his powerful foot!!

"NOOOOOT!!!" screamed Murcer in his best Borat voice!!

As the last gasp escaped from Lupicas lungs it formed the word, "Hiiiiilllllllllllllllarrrrrryyyyyyyy.....yyy...."

The End....

Emails Like These Just Warm My Heart.

2008-05-28T22:29:00.007-04:00

We just received this email last night from another Lupica hater, Mark M., and it really touched me right here.

This could be the single-greatest website.

Ever.

The only thing missing is a well-thought out plan to beat Sterling to death with Waldman.

The creative ending of the Sterling/Waldman duo was a nice touch.

We want to hear from you freaks! Email us!

Thank you to all the Lupica haters out there!

The New York Mets Payroll is $140 Million Dollars

2008-05-27T13:16:00.003-04:00

That's officially the name of every post I write from now on forever. I just want you all to know that. Okay, not really.

As you guys read below, Fafa's too burnt out to take the reigns on this newest nugget of Lupica knowledge, so here I am to take up the good fight against hacky, poorly conceived New York journalism.

Now we will find out if these Met ballplayers are going to be the ones who fire Randolph.

Nope. Omar Minaya's going to fire him... and pray that they start winning, cuz if they don't then he's next. These are his players that are either in decline (Delgado, Alou, Pedro) or underperforming (Reyes, Perez, every Catcher on the Team) or both. Barring something majorly fucking dramatic, Minaya will probably never work in baseball again.

And Monday night, the Mets looked as if they couldn't get a game off a beer-league softball team.

Newsflash to Mike Lupica: They couldn't get a game off a beer-league softball team. They're really shitty. It's not Willie's fault though.

Randolph has been living on the margin since the Mets blew a seven-game lead with 17 games to play last season.

Willie's hitting stats last September: .205/.279/.333, 2 HR, 15 K's, 5 SB, 4 CS
Willie's pitching stats last September: 6 GS, 2-2, 31 IP, 38 H, 21 ER, 6.10 ERA

Waiiiiiit!!! That's right! Willie is the manager! He didn't hit or pitch!!! So who's stats are those? Fuck! Those are the stats for Professor Reyes and Tommy Glavine!!!! Do another dance for me Jose!!!

Let me break this down for everybody out there. The Mets aren't going to get much better than this. You wanna know why? Because their roster is HIGHLY FLAWED. I've listed these reasons before, but I'll do it again. I'll try to be brief.

1) Oliver Perez, Orlando Hernandez, Mike Pelfrey and Nelson Figueroa are not good pitchers. Pedro isn't good any more. Maine is solid. Santana is great. Those other guys can win games when their team scores a lot of runs. But the Mets can't score a lot of runs this year. So those guys can't win much.

2) Reyes has reverted back to an average player. He gets caught stealing too much. He doesn't hit for power and he doesn't get on base enough.

3) Luis Castillo is worthless to a team that already has Reyes leading off. And he walks with a limp.

4) Delgado is a corpse. I'd say the same about Moises Alou, but corpses don't spend that much time on the DL. You carry them out to their position on the field and they don't complain... because they're dead. Alou can't even die peacefully out there.

5) The Mets have given 459 at bats this year to Brian Schneider, Angel Pagan, Damion Easley, Marlon Anderson, Gustavo Molina, Brady Clark, Raul Casanova and Endy Chavez. They've gotten 107 hits for a .233 average and 5 home runs. In other words, they've gotten nothing.

6) Their bullpen is BLEEEECH.

Blaming Willie Randolph for this bunch of crusty old bums and shitty minor leaguers is like blaming Mike D'Antoni if the Knicks don't make the playoffs next season. Even in a perfect world, if he does a perfect job, they're not a very good team.

So yeah, thanks for calling...

Mets Were Bad Last Year - But The 2004 Yankees Were Worse!

2008-05-25T23:03:00.004-04:00

Lupica's latest piece of shit is about the Mets, and how Willie Randolph has to win some games. But, as per usual, when Lupica starts writing mean little things about the Mets, he has to remind everyone how much he hates the Yankees.

Look at this stupid paragraph...where the fuck does this fit into the context of the Mets having to win?

We constantly hear that last September was The Worst Collapse in Baseball History. No, it wasn't. The worst collapse, in context, and because of the aftermath, because of who was involved and the way it happened, was the Yankees blowing a 3-0 lead to the Boston Red Sox in the 2004 American League Championship Series.

Ok, look - we all know both the Yankees and the Mets took two big shits in 2004 and 2007. Every douche fan from both sides has tried to explain why the team across town had the worst collapse. Of course, Lupica doesn't say why the Yankees collapse was worse, he just said the Yankees was worse, just because.

Now it's my turn to tell you the reasons why the Mets collapse was easily the worse collapse of the two.

1. The 2004 Yankees collapsed in the ALCS; the Mets died during the regular season. At least the fucking 2004 Yankees made the playoffs. The 2007 Mets were on cruise control, heading straight for the playoffs, until they ran into September.

2. The 2004 Yankees lost to the 2004 World Champion Red Sox; who did the 2007 Mets lose to?
They went 5-8 against the Nationals and Marlins, two teams fighting each other for the worst record in the NL East. Throw in a nice 3 game sweep by the Phillies and you have a $120 million team not even make the playoffs.

3. What would you rather have your team do? Fold in the playoffs to the eventual world series champion, or fold in the last month of the season, to the 2 worst teams in your division?

Please Lupica, try to support your asshole reasoning with facts. You suck, the Mets suck, and the 2007 Mets collapse sucked. Get over it.

***

So after Lupidouche "beat up" on the Mets with kid gloves, he filled the second half of his article with Yankee slams, to obviously appease his golf buddy Fred Wilpon.

Apparently the Yankees have a problem with Ortiz doing this promotion at the All Star game, where he is going to re-enact Babe Ruth's called shot, and this isn't sitting well with the Yankees...

...now they act as if David Ortiz making some promotional swing at the All-Star Game - where four tickets can cost you more than a new car - will somehow be like spray-painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with graffiti.

Luckily, Enough Lupica fan, Mark P., helped me cover this load of bullshit today.

Mark P. wrote this:

OK riddle me this Bozo. It’s a reenactment of the Babe Ruth called shot. Ya think Red Sox fans would be a bit pissed if they had A-Rod reenact the Carlton Fisk Foul Pole Game 6 Home Run?!?!?!?!?! Not to mention the ticket price dig…like Mikey will pay for his and his family if they go. What a loser!

Well said Mark!

Now THIS is funny...watch how Lupica makes himself look like a complete asshole, bashing the Daily News I-Team, for reporting on Clemens and his steroids story...

Our I-Team at the Daily News loves watching its work on Clemens and Pettitte and steroids and all the rest of it consistently get re-packaged and presented as being newer than the new American Idol.

Our guys just think of it as the recycling version of investigative reporting.

The recycling version of investigative reporting!?!?!? THIS IS ALL LUPICA HAS DONE FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!!!! Is he fucking kidding me??!?!

How many fucking times has this dwarf mentioned Clemens and steroids? The Yankees payroll?!?! Isiah Thomas!?!?!? And he's calling out the Daily News I-Team, for doing EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES!?!?!?

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

And people still wonder why I hate this midget. Un-fucking-believable.

The Yankees have now had two pitchers sent to the principal's office for throwing baseballs at people's heads, and Joe Girardi ought to have them stop now, or he's the one who's going to start looking bad.

Right.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have Willie Randolph, who barely defends his players - how's Willie's future looking with the Mets these days?

The 1986 Mets didn't throw at people's heads, but they got into bench clearing brawls on a weekly basis - how did that affect Davey Johnson's credibility?

Where does Lupica come up with this shit? It's not relevant, and it's not even right. It's just bullshit.

Throwing the ball where Farnsworth threw it against Manny and where LaTroy Hawkins threw at Luke Scott the other night is different, and bush league all the way.

Yep, just like the great Pedro used to do the Yankees all the time while he was with Boston. Another story you failed to cover and still forget to mention.

Fuck, this article was so fucking dumb today. I hope Mister Six gets a chance to cover it, because I'm too tired and pissed off to go on.

Fuck you Lupica!

The Lupica Curse Strikes Again!

2008-05-24T13:28:00.006-04:00

Last week, Mike Lupica, sportswriter and baseball genius, clued us in on what the Mets really need:

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

Yes, what the Mets need is more big mouths, troublemakers, guys who don't follow the rules...you know, real gamers!

So of course, this is what the great Billy Wagner did last night:

Yes, this is what the Mets need - guys you can bring in in the 9th inning to save the game after losing 4 in a row, and promptly cough up the lead and the save, and possibly Willie Randolph's job.

Funny how Mike brings up ARod's post season failures...when was the last time Lupica mentioned Wagner's post season 8.75 ERA?

Yes Mike, the Mets need more guys like Wagner - he can't pitch in a big spot, but damn he sure has a big mouth! And that's what it takes to win!

In Lupica's world, anyway.

Lupica States the Obvious. And He's STILL Wrong.

2008-05-20T13:55:00.003-04:00

Lets get right to work...

This is a dream setting for Alex Rodriguez and a dream entrance, seven months after it seemed he had made the worst and tackiest exit any famous Yankee has ever made.

You know, there were two references made in today's paper about the timing of A-Rod's opt-out (SEVEN MONTHS AGO). And there were two articles by Mike Lupica. Coincidence? Thy name is Dwarf!!!

And also, this is A-Rod's dream setting? His team is under .500, Hughes and Posada are hurt, nobody can hit and it looks pretty bad for the Bombers. And A-Rod's at home jerking off about it? Call me stupid, but I thought the guy wanted to win a championship, not be a hero on a bad team. I don't think this is his dream at all.

He will come riding into Yankee Stadium Tuesday and be greeted as if he's riding Big Brown.

Mike, the only person who rides things that are Big and Brown around here is you. When you're with your boyfriend Moises. After his hernia heals all the way.

The Yankees are now 20-24, same as they were after 44 games last year, and are starting to fall behind the Red Sox again.

Key words here. Same as last year, when we made the playoffs. And the Metsies were in Queens, gagging like a country singer who just hit Roger Clemens' nuts.

I can make Clemens jokes too! Just to fight this pip-squeak on even footing. Touche, Mike Lupica!!

The Yankees are in last place in the AL East and have the third-worst record in the league and are 10th in the league in runs scored.

A-Rod's dream setting indeed.

Girardi and A-Rod's teammates will worry about the Yankee pitching problems later, because there is going to be plenty to worry about, even in a baseball season that already resembles one of those seasons where everybody seems to end up 9-7 in the National Football League.

I bet Girardi's pretty worried about the pitching problems right now. And if your point is that nobody is going to run away with the season, then why is the Yankees bad start such a big deal? And why did you spell out "National Football League?" Mike... we know what the fucking NFL is. Do you honestly think we're all that fucking stupid?

Tuesday, and Wednesday, for the rest of the week, the Yankees just want A-Rod to hit. Or we just talk about whether or not they should have traded for Santana a little more.

We just talk about Santana? Who is this "we?" I don't talk about Santana. Fafa doesn't talk about Santana. Maybe when you say "we", you're referring to Mets fans like yourself. Because Yankees fans are mostly over the Santana trade.

A-Rod had huge numbers last season, the best he has had in New York and ended up MVP of the league.

And you still called him a piece of shit choker every chance you got. Like you're doing right now.

Know who else choked? Billy Wagner with his 16.88 ERA in the 2006 ALCS. Cherry-picked stats are fun.

I can't... I just can't any more. The rest is too fucking stupid. Just too fucking stupid.

Lester Pitches No Hitter; Lupica Nauseates

2008-05-20T10:27:00.004-04:00

Last night, cancer survivor Jon Lester of the Red Sox pitched a no hitter against the Royals. It's a great story. Even as a Yankee fan, I still pulled for this guy. I'm glad he was able to beat cancer, and is able to successfully compete in the MLB.

Unfortunately, I had to read about this in yet another stupid ass Lupica article.

You go through a lot of stories about steroids and all the rest of it to get to one like this.

Yeah, a lot of stories about steroids...by Mike Lupica! How many fucking lame articles were written by this dwarf about steroids?! I'm guessing 200 million.

At what point will this midget asshole see we are all trying to get past steroids? Fuck, we still hear about Giambi's "non apology" on a weekly basis by this tool FIVE FUCKING YEARS LATER!!!!

So here now on television was Josh Beckett, the ace of the Red Sox staff, putting his arms around Lester and quietly saying, "Unbelievable," with maybe one extra adjective thrown in for good measure.

2008 Red Sox Starting Pitchers:

Dice K - 2.15 ERA
Jon Lester - 3.41 ERA
Tim Wakefield - 4.33 ERA
Josh Beckett - 4.67 ERA
Clay Buchholz - 5.53 ERA

Shouldn't the team "ace" have a better ERA than the rest of the staff? His ERA is more than 2.5 runs worse than Dice K's.

Mikey, save the "ace" label for someone that has an ERA less than 4. Please. Stop embarrassing yourself, you dopey asshole.

Congrats to Jon Lester.

Update on Lupica's Acehole Beckett

2008-05-19T13:15:00.003-04:00

Since Lupica triumphantly proclaimed Josh Beckett as "the kind of pitcher the Mets hope Johan Santana can be," this is how he has done.

Beckett Stats Since April 27

IP - 34.2
ERA - 4.41
HR - 8

Wow! That Beckett sure is an Ace!

How'd he do last night against the Milkwaukee Brewers, 18th in the league in runs, 27th in the league in BA?

IP - 7
ER - 6
HR - 4
Game ERA - 7.71

Talk about the Lupica Curse!

Nice job, asshole!

Bloggin' From The Lip!!

2008-05-19T10:23:00.005-04:00

Yup, that's what we're callin' this today! Bloggin' from the Lip! We're gonna shoot down Mike Lupica's fun facts and random comparisons like fish in a barrel! Woo hoo! Aren't you excited? Lets get right to brass tacks gentlemen (and all 3 ladies who are reading this):

Bill Belichick talking about an old video assistant of his named Matt Walsh suddenly sounds like Roger Clemens talking about an old trainer of his named Brian McNamee.

Are you sure Mike? Are you sure he didn't sound like Jason Giambi giving "The Apology"? Or like Andy Pettitte confessing about using a little bit of HGH when he really used a lot? You know who Bill Belichick definitely DOESN'T sound like? Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden apologizing for snorting the Mets chance at a dynasty in the late 1980's. Because they never talked about that.

Matt Walsh may not be one of nature's noblemen. Neither was Jose Canseco.

Lupica's entire premise here is to compare Belichick videotaping defensive signals to steroids in baseball. Because everything is about fucking steroids in baseball. Literally everything. Here's an average conversation between Mike Lupica and one of those so-called "friends" he always claims to have.

Imaginary Friend: Hey Mike Lupica!
Mike Lupica: Hi Imaginary Friend!!
IF: So what do you think of those Tampa Bay Rays! In first place! Ha ha!!
ML: Yeah! It's like they're on steroids or something!!
IF: *sigh* Lets talk about something else... you see that Matt Walsh came out of the closet?
ML: Yeah! Just like when Jose Canseco told us about steroids in baseball!!
IF: *bangs head into wall* Yeah... so Hillary still won't drop out of the Democratic primaries...
ML: She's just like Roger Clemens... refusing to admit that he took steroids!
IF: *kills self with imaginary gun*
ML: Dammit! That's the fourteenth imaginary friend this week! They're dropping like baseball players on steroids!!

Now Belichick goes after Walsh the way Clemens went after McNamee, the way Clemens is still after McNamee.

Really? Belichick is suing Walsh for defamation of character? No? Then I guess it's nothing like the way Clemens is going after McNamee.

No one is suggesting that this kind of cheating is as systemic as drug cheating became in baseball over the last 15 years.

No one is suggesting that I go and masturbate on the salad bar at Wendy's either. What's your fucking point? And what's so "systemic" about a bunch of guys taking steroids? Do you think it was some kind of covert operation? Like a Rambo movie? To liberate the Stanozolol from North Vietnam? Hahaha... you can't have Stanozolol without a great big LOL!!

***

I love the 3 asterisks. They make me happy.

People can bounce Billy Wagner all over town for some of the things he's said in the past and some of the things he said this week.

Oh, you mean because he tore up a teammate for the second time in like 2 weeks? And he's basically got a reputation as the White Gary Sheffield? And that he's throwing teammates under the bus to boost rating for his radio show?

But there is a little bit of Yogi in Wagner, in this way:
No matter how it comes out, you always know exactly what he means.

Umm... what? Fuck... you're really going to defend him again? Seriously?

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

More guys like Wagner? I want to help. So here's a list of team-first guys who are currently out of work. I'm sure each of them could help the Mets despite their age and injuries, because it's about personality!

Rickey Henderson, Albert Belle, Carl Everett, Jose Offerman (Once his probation ends), Roger Clemens, John Rocker, Jose Canseco.

That's seven more guys like Wagner. The Mets will never lose again. Unless Albert Belle eats David Wright... then it could get ugly.

Hillary Clinton is no longer running for President, she's running for Vice President.

I really think we're about a week away from learning that Hillary Clinton took steroids. There's no other reason for Lupica to talk about her so much. Look at the guys he talks about: Clemens, Giambi, Pettitte, Isiah Thomas, A-Rod, Hillary Clinton. Steroids, Steroids, Steroids, Crack-Rock, accused of steroids (by Canseco, who might be motivated to lie by money, the fact that A-Rod fucked his wife, etc.), ???

So she took 'roids, right Mike?

It comes out now that Jason Giambi likes to wear a gold thong when he's trying to come out of a hitting slump, and I'm pretty sure Congressman Vito Fossella does the same thing.

Mike? Are you upset that they don't make thongs in your size? I think you are. I think you're just jealous because while Jason Giambi and Vito Fossella get to try on big boy underwear, you're still stuck wearing your Batman Underoos.

But yeah... the thong story was a little weird. Especially that he shares it with other guys. I don't share a TAXI with other guys...

Finally, a writer shits on the Mets!

2008-05-18T08:18:00.007-04:00

Ever wonder what an objective article about the Mets looks like? (This question is for Lupica.)

This article by Phil Mushnick of the Post warmed my heart, especially after the Mets beat us yesterday.

Let's count how many time he takes a steaming dump on these slackers...

The Mets, since at least the Mike Piazza days, have been a minimalist team.

One.

It's the least they can do.

Two.

And though it's a recidivist and self-evident truth, what you see is apparently just your imagination, yours and a few in the media.

No doubt directed at Lupica.

Mets are always on first base when they should be on second;

Three.

they seldom pressure outfielders to make a frantic throw, the wild one that would place that Mets runner, the one who should have been on second, on third.

Four.

Win or lose, they regularly get out-hustled and out-fundamentaled.

Five.

They neither play nor think hard.

Six.

And then, older but no wiser, they go out there and do it again.

Seven.

The Mets attach the names of precious metals to their ticket pricing - platinum, gold, silver - but they mostly play with hearts and heads of tin.

Eight.

Last season, they colossally blew the season because they lost games to indifferent and thoughtless play.

Nine.

At season's end, Willie Randolph dismissed such an assessment as "media fodder." But what Randolph calls fodder is real.

In the top of the first of Game 1 of this season, there were two out when Carlos Delgado's wind-blown fly to center fell. But as SNY's Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez duly noted, Luis Castillo, jogging from first, already had surrendered, thus he made third instead of home. Here we go again.

Ten.

And here we are again. If there's a game-winning, season-changing lesson to be learned, it's always lost on the Mets.

Eleven.

Thursday, in a 0-0 game, two outs and Castillo at first, David Wright hit a high fly down the right-field line. Castillo and Wright jogged it out. And when the ball was dropped and the play ended, Wright was at first instead of second, and Castillo, again, was at third instead of scoring. Mets baseball, the Mets being Manny.

Twelve.

Hernandez, who six weeks ago noted that Castillo's two-out jog cost the Mets a 1-0 lead, this time said, "It's a lesson learned." No it isn't.

Thirteen.

And in SNY's post-game, Cohen, Hernandez and Ron Darling incredibly joined Randolph in semi-absolving Castillo, all suggesting that he might not have scored anyway. Good grief, he could have scored skipping hard!

Fourteen.

Regardless, neither Castillo nor Wright minimally forced the last-place Nationals to panic, to make an act-fast throw.

With one out in the bottom of the ninth, the game ended when Carlos Beltran was doubled off third after a line drive to first. Why, with one out, he was heading home on a line drive as opposed to only a ground ball to the right side - if a line drive gets through, he easily scores - never even came up.

There was no fundamentally good reason for Beltran to be breaking for home on a line drive. New York Mets lost, 1-0. Yeah, media fodder.

Holy shit! That was fucking brutal! Watch out Phil, Lupica's gonna go Van Gundy on you!

Thank you for making my day, Phil! There's at least one writer in NY that isn't full of shit!

Fun Fact We'll Never See From Lupica

2008-05-15T09:12:00.005-04:00

We all know how Lupica loves to throw his worthless "fun facts" in our face, by cherry picking some stupid stat that makes some Red Sox player look better than some Yankees player.

So here is today's fun fact that Lupica would never acknowledge...

Mike Mussina
6-3, 3.99 ERA

Josh "Ace" Beckett
4-5, 4.21 ERA

Suck on that, Lupidick!

How did Lupica's bitch do last night?

2008-05-14T09:36:00.008-04:00

Since Jose Reyes has moved on to bigger and better things (bigger, meaning 'not Lupica' and better, meaning 'women'), Mike Lupica has invited a new member of the MLB into his pint-sized bed - Josh Beckett.

A few weeks ago, Lupica made us all vomit by giving Beckett a journalistic hand job in his worthless column, calling Beckett the "real story", a "big game pitcher", an "ace", all because he beat the Yankees. Yay.

Lupica recently pissed us off by comparing ARod to Ortiz, using a cherry picked stat, calling his finding a "fun fact."

So here's a "fun fact" for you, ya midget douche:

Beckett's line, May 13th (last night) against the Orioles, 12th in the AL in BA...

IP - 5.2
Hits - 11
Runs - 5
HRs - 1
Game ERA - 7.94

As Mike Lupidork would say, "I just thought you should know that."

What Did I Miss While On Vacation?

2008-05-13T09:06:00.017-04:00

I'm assuming Lupica wrote a great article about Mariano, having 10 saves and still hasn't given up a run.

Or something about Cano, starting to hit again.

Maybe something about Rasner, a young pitcher finally coming through for the Yankees?

Let's see...

Sunday, May 4th - "Yankee Stadium Prices Are Insane!"
Tuesday, May 6th - "Rocket throws a curve, but we need one right down the middle"
Saturday, May 10th - "For Andy Pettitte, No Clear Sailing"
Sunday, May 11th - "Mike D'Antoni has stiff task ahead leading Isiah Thomas' stiffs"

To recap...SAME OLD BULLSHIT.

Yankee prices, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, and Isiah Thomas...holy shit!

And, what a surprise - NOTHING ABOUT SPORTS.

Let's tackle this one smelly turd at a time...

May 4th

There is a guy I know who has tickets behind the Yankee dugout, has had them for awhile.

Lupica poetry at its finest.

Last season each seat cost $150 per game. This season, because it is the last season at the old Yankee Stadium, the cost went up to $250.

"I told my friends who are going this season, ‘Enjoy yourselves, because you'll never be this close again,'" my friend said Saturday.

First of all, and I've said this before, no self-respecting Yankee fan would ever talk to low life Lupica.

So Lupica, is this the same "friend" who said this in December?

"The Yankees will never rebuild from within until this Steinbrenner is suspended."

Remember that article, when you bashed the Yanks for considering breaking the bank for Santana?

What happened? Oh right - the METS broke the bank for Santana, in a deal the "Mets had to close".

Way to be in touch with Yankee fans, Mike. Your "friend" is just as retarded as you are.

Where is the article about the Mets ripping off their fans?

Oh, here it is! Except it's not from Phil Mushnick, not Lupica.

Surprise.

You wonder why Yankee fans don't care what Johan Santana or anybody else on the field costs?

Um, because Johan Santana is a Met?

Next week The Today Show is going to do a week-long series called, "Where in the world is Robinson Cano?"

Since May 4th...

Robinson Cano .364 BA, 2 HR, 4 RBI
Jose Reyes .222 BA, 0 HR, 3 RBI

Well, we know where Robinson Cano has been.

Where has Reyes been? Lupica's bed perhaps?

May 6th

"I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans," Clemens continued, and right there you wanted to ask him what exactly he was apologizing for, but by now it's clear that he doesn't do well with any kind of cross-examination once he's given his name.

No, I'm not gonna defend Clemens. He's got issues. Issues that Lupica feels necessary to point out in every goddamn column he writes. It's old to everyone taller than 5'-6".

This is the kind of apology that Jason Giambi originally gave when his testimony about using steroids, offered in front of the BALCO grand jury, was leaked to a newspaper.

Here we go again with the Giambi apology.

EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR LUPIDICK KNOWS WHY HE APOLOGIZED.

Get over it Mikey!!!

You should be asking why the fuck did the Mets re-sign Mota after testing positive for steroids! We're still waiting for that article!

Giambi sat there at Yankee Stadium with Joe Torre and Brian Cashman and he apologized that day, even though he never said for what, once you could see how broken up he was about being a "distraction" to his teammates.

Step away from reality TV and PLEASE start reporting on SPORTS, not non-sports related shit that happened 5 years ago!

May 10th

I'm just going to assume that since Yankee announcers think Joba's dance moves are swell after a strikeout they'll keep themselves under control the next time Manny Ramirez poses after a home run as if he's in a photo shoot for Annie Leibowitz.

Did everyone notice when Joba threw near Youkilis' head last year, the Dick said it was "bush league?"

And when Farnsworth threw behind Manny's head a couple of weeks ago, Lupica shit all over the Yankees for it?

What has he said in the past about Manny standing at home plate, admiring his home runs?

"Good news at the Stadium! The last one Manny hit off Mussina just landed underneath the Avis sign in left."

Manny has been showboating since forever, and you have never called him out on it.

Jeez, does an athlete have to play in New York for you to shit all over him?

How about giving props to players instead of "reporting" on the same tired themes, Mike? Fuck, I even get email from Mets fans who hate you!

And who the FUCK is Annie Leibowitz?!

Get your fucking head out of your ass, or get the fuck out of New York. You are a miserable little tool who has no fans, no friends, and no life.

Piling On!! Fuck yeah!!!

2008-05-09T16:59:00.005-04:00

I told you all about my hero, Daniel A. McBride, who wrote into Voice of the People and shredded their main Midget Mike Lupica... well... guess what!!!

Make it two days in a fucking ROW!!! And a new hero at Enough-Lupica!

Inquiring mind

Manhattan: Mike Lupica, would you please tell us all why you hate the Yankees so much (and the Republican Party, for that matter, too)?
Please?

Tim Cunningham

Timmy Cunningham, you write in and let me know that you're seeing this and you, me, Fafa and Daniel McBride are gonna go out and get fucking shitfaced to celebrate!

To everybody else, keep up the good work. Bombard the News, let them know that you all hate this guy... show Lupica what happens to little Yankee bashers in the Big City.

Hate Mike Lupica? You're Not Alone...

2008-05-08T10:19:00.005-04:00

Daniel A. McBride is my new fucking hero! Daniel, if you're reading this, you seriously need to write in and let us know, because I want to buy you a drink or something. I'm not even kidding.

Who's Daniel A. McBride? He's the guy who wrote in to The Daily News and had his opinion published in the "Voice of the People" section. Here's what Mr. McBride had to say.

Yawn
Massapequa, L.I.: Will someone inform Mr. High and Mighty Mike Lupica that there are other things going on in the sports world besides Roger Clemens? We get it, Mike. You don't like him. Please move on to your millionth tired article about the Yankees' payroll.

Daniel, if I was a gay man, I'd proposition you for sex. Hell... if you take me up on the drink offer, I might proposition you for sex anyway. Okay, that's a joke, but you get what I'm saying.

This guy hammered Lupica... not only for constantly writing about Roger Clemens... but for writing the same boring articles about the Yankees payroll over and over too!!

Maybe now that this has been said IN THE PAPER, the editors in the sports department will REALIZE that Mike's been submitting the same 5 articles for the last 10 years, and demand something new from him. Don't they realize that he's freeloading for a paycheck?

Daniel, you the man.

I Love Being Proven Right....

2008-05-06T16:34:00.006-04:00

Did I tell you guys yesterday that Lupica has a fucking Roger obsession? Did he prove me right? I swear to fucking Christ, if this arrogant little prick isn't the most predictable force in ignorant sports journalism, I'll be fucked by a gorilla.

I don't know what I find more disgusting. The idea of Roger Clemens having sexual relations with a 15 year old girl...

Or the image of Mike Lupica masturbating furiously to pictures of The Rocket every time some new fact comes out in this page, as he moans things like, "Oh yeah Roger... you naughty boy. If you keep being so naughty I'll be as cool as Mitch Albom!!" and spraying his little dwarven seed all over his word processor.

Without even reading this article, I'm sure of three things.

1) Lupica will make a reference to politics, most likely the Clintons.
2) Lupica will make a reference to Jason Giambi.
3) There will be some obscure reference to pop culture from 25 years ago that nobody gets, but it will nevertheless become a central concept of the column.

So here we go...

So now he comes out with an apology about nothing, an artless, pathetic combination of lawyering and agenting that makes Clemens sound like Bill Clinton saying he did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.

And here's item number 1 on the checklist.

Bill Clinton didn't have sex with that woman. He let her hold his cigar. Does this really have anything to do with Roger Clemens? Nope.

This is the kind of apology that Jason Giambi originally gave when his testimony about using steroids, offered in front of the BALCO grand jury, was leaked to a newspaper.

Bingo! That's two out of three!!

For the six thousandth time Mike, everybody knew what Giambi was apologizing for. His confession to a Grand Jury was leaked to the papers. Giambi's vagueness was for the purpose of protecting the three years and about $60 Million that remained on his contract. And Giambi never really "lied" about taking drugs.

Clemens is lying about doping. And lying about screwing a 15-year old. And probably lying about 7,000 other things. And he was vague because he doesn't want to get sued. Regardless, this situation is very fucking different. You're the only one who doesn't understand that Mike.

There is a book that Dan Jenkins wrote called "Baja Oklahoma," and in it Jenkins lists his 10 stages of drunkenness. And the last two could apply to almost anything, to being drunk with power or celebrity or ego or even being President of the United States. On Jenkins' list No. 9 is invisible and 10? No. 10 is bulletproof.

I don't want to brag or boast... but "Baja Oklahoma" was published in 1981. That makes it roughly 27 years old. Now lets see if it becomes a recurring theme in the article. All we have to do is skip to the end...

He still thinks he is bulletproof. He's not. He must have thought that once he started swinging away, nobody else would swing back. That's not the way it works.

Emphasis is, of course, mine. Stage 10 of drunkenness according to Dan Jenkins' 27-year old book comes back again. Roger thinks he's bulletproof. That's stage 10!!!! Woo hooo!!

Here's my question. What in fucking hell do these 10 stages of drunkenness have to do with Roger Clemens? Is Lupica suggesting that Clemens is drunk?

Well, that would be the most reasonable explanation so far for why he started sticking it to a 15-year old girl.... guys do some crazy shit when they're drunk.

ENOUGH LUPICA!

Comedy Of Error

Sabathia Is No Beckett!

Cano Sucks!!!

Lupica Loves That Jose Reyes

Blurbs from "Shitting From The Lip"

More payroll fun!

Some of my favorite Lupica quotes

Same shit, different season.

Did Lupica even watch the game?

Word Count on Today's Lupica Article.

Mitch Williams, You Dumb Shit.

A Christmas Present for ReyesDaMan!!

Merry Christmas - from Santa's Smug Elf!

Lupica Cancels The Super Bowl

Newsflash!!! Mets and Yankees Acquire Babe Ruth, Cloned from DNA!!

Hot Stove = Steaming Pile of Lupishit

Let's Play...Guess The Closer!!!

Yanks Add Swisher - Great Move

Re: Bloomberg: Third Term?

Russo makes me feel bad for Mets fans.

It's (not) hard to believe Mets collapse again.

Let's Play "Guess The Season!"

The Mets Payroll is $140 million...

Special Guest! Kristyn and Frank!!!

How Three Dumb Bitches Ruined The Last Game At Yankee Stadium

Jeter Breaks Gehrig's Record; Lupica Shits On Him

Really Bob Raissman? Lets Take a Better Look...

Wright Time For Another September Collapse! Oh, And The Mets Payroll is Over $140 Million Dollars!!

Happy Trails Mad Dog!!

It's Hank, Cash & Joe's Fault!!! Those Pricks!!!

Shut Up Millar, Ya Douche

Joba Owns Beckett And Red Sox; What Does Lupica Say?

This Week's Load Of Crap

Transcript of Lupicunt's Conversation with Yankee Stadium Security!!

Stadium Security To Be Ripped on The Sports Reporters!!

"Do You Know Who I Am!?"

Mike Lupica vs. Peter Abraham

Manuel's Guys Not Half Bad!

Just For The Record...

Shooting From The Lip

Lupica Tries (And Fails) To Get In Rivera's Pants

Bobby Murcer 1946 - 2008

Enough-Lupica's 100th Post!!! What Have We Learned?

Journalism 101! Lupica's Taking Us To School!

Shooting for the Blurbs...

Another Love Letter To Reyes.

Ding Dong, The Rivalry Is Dead

To Resolve Confusion...

More Bullshit Regarding This Worthless Article...

Madonna Is A Steroid Dealer

Shooting From The...*YAWWWWWWNNNN*

Hidden Message?

Contest: Add A Quote For This Pic!

Fred Wilpon Approved This Message

6/22 Shooting From The Lip

This Joke Only Works in Print...

Mike Lupica's Biggest Cop Out Of All Time.

An Article Mike Lupica Would Never Write.

Willie Randolph Gets The Axe.

Just In Case You Forgot What The Yankees Payroll Is...

Here We Go Again!

Scooter > Keith Hernandez

More Daily News Bullshit Headlines...

I Just Thought You Should Know That.

The Mets Need More Suck In Their Bullpen..

New York Baseball Blows! Reality TV Rules!

www.enough-MichaelKay.com?

Don't be a dick, Bill Madden.

4 Reasons Not To Panic

Joba's First Start; Lupica Nauseates...

Enough-DJ Gallo.com?

Congratulations Manny Ramirez For Joining Elusive Club.

Fun Facts About Lupica's Good Friend Paul Westphal

The New York Mets Payroll is Still $140 Million Dollars!

An Enough-Lupica-Style Fantasy

Emails Like These Just Warm My Heart.

The New York Mets Payroll is $140 Million Dollars

Mets Were Bad Last Year - But The 2004 Yankees Were Worse!

The Lupica Curse Strikes Again!

Shooting From The...YAWWWWWWNNNN