Speed Up Reality For Reality TV!

You would think, after reading the latest literary bowel movement from Lupica, that he hates baseball. Today's article is all about how the games in the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry take too long and are too annoying.

The biggest rivalry in sports, and Shithead wants them to speed it up and get it overwith.

I think Lupica was just pissed because the game cut into his American Idol/Biggest Loser/Rock of Love II time.

God forbid the little troll pulls himself away from his reality TV fetish and actually watches/reports on/enjoys sports.

The Yankees and Red Sox played another four-hour game last night at the Stadium, the kind of four-hour, nine-inning game they have played against each other in each of the last two seasons, the kind of game that tries to turn what we still call the best rivalry in sports into something, even on a night when both teams came from behind, into something that makes a tractor pull seem like high drama.

Because baseball fans hate to see lots of baseball and runs and lead changes - what a bore!

How ironic that Mike complains about the length of the game in a sentence longer than the 5th fucking inning.

And made you wonder more than once what if Isiah Thomas might get fired before this one ended.

Wow, I'm so used to seeing swipes at the Yankees in Lupicas' articles about the Knicks…now he's bashing Isiah in Yankee articles?

Isiah, you are done.

And, no, I wasn’t thinking about Isiah during the Yankee game - I was wondering if you were gonna write a stupid fucking article about the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry.

Thanks for not letting me down.

Four hours and eight minutes this time.

Jesus Christ, almost a HUNDRED words into the article and you are still talking about the length of the game!?

Put down the stopwatch asshole!

Yankees 15, Red Sox 9. Some seasons they play 19 games against each other. This year it is only 18. No worries. They'll find a way to make up the extra time easy.

Just like you find ways to fill in your article with worthless crap, like reporting on the length of game?

It started Wednesday night in the fifth inning, an epic fifth inning, one that lasted nearly an hour in real time, 53 minutes to be exact.

What did I say about that stopwatch, bitch!?

And "nearly an hour in real time"? What the fuck other kind of time would we be talking about? Bullet time? Uranus time? Hammer time?

The Red Sox came into the top of the fifth down 7-3 to Chien Ming-Wang, who wasn't all that far away from no-hitting the Red Sox last Friday night in Fenway. Then the Red Sox started banging Wang around, five straight hits to start the inning…

Singles, Mike. Five singles. You make it sound like Wang was the second coming of Mel Rojas.

Sometimes the games between these two teams don't just make you wonder about how the Democratic debate is going in Philadelphia, they seem longer than the whole Democratic campaign.

That is so ironic, because Mister Six and I were just discussing this last night…

FaFa - Wow, this is a long game!

Mister Six - Do you know what this game makes me wonder?

FaFa - How the Democratic debate is going in Philadelphia?

Mister Six - Actually, I was wondering if this game is longer than the whole Democratic campaign!

(Cue the crickets)

So it was Wednesday night. Because the Yankees came right back in their half of the fifth against Julian Tavarez.

Ok, that was the beginning of a paragraph. Does it even make sense?

No.

Julio Lugo tried to throw one in the general direction of one of Chuck Knoblauch's old throws…

Here's an idea - try writing a positive article about the Yankees without simultaneously shitting on the Yankees.

Seriously. Surprise us one year.

…the Yankees needed a Triple-A catcher and Chad Moeller, who really can catch and throw and handle pitchers and always could, needed a job. Now here he was in the middle of Red Sox vs. Yankees last night. The biggest year he ever had in the majors was with Milwaukee in 2004, when he got to the plate 317 times and played 101 games and hit just .208. He has never hit much.

His biggest year in the majors was when he hit .208, and then you go on to say he has never hit much?

Great analysis Mike!

The Yankees hit the ball all over the Stadium, hit the way they're going to have to hit this season with this pitching staff…

That's right Mike. Keep punching the Yankees in the balls.

I know it's hard for you to separate criticism from praise when it comes to reporting on the Yankees.

As always, they take wins any way they get them against the Red Sox. No matter how long they take.

Hopefully today's game will take less time, so it won’t cut into your busy schedule of not watching sports events.

Yanks to blame if they miss playoffs...NO SHIT!

Big news, Lupica haters…This week, Lupica decided to write about something other than bashing the Yankees.

Just kidding! It’s the same bullshit that Lupica has been writing about for the last month or so…if the Yankees don’t make the playoffs, it's on the heads of Torre, Cashman, and the players!

No shit!? I thought the tee shirt vendors across the street were to blame!

Thanks for the heads up, Master of the Obvious!

If the Yankees had won a game against the Tigers that started late Friday night and ended at 3:30 Saturday morning, nobody would have been blaming Major League Baseball because of when it started and when it finished, or looking to point fingers as soon as Carlos Guillen's 3-run dinger cleared the fence.

Nobody would have been mad at anybody and Joe Torre wouldn't have been at a loss for words when it was over. Are you kidding? It would have been a brand new episode of "Yankeeography"!

Actually, the Yankee announcers were complaining about it before the game even started…remember, the announcers that YOU keep ripping for being "homers"?

Oh sure. If a Yankee had hit the home run Guillen hit for the Tigers, the whole thing would have been classified as an instant pinstriped classic.

Newsflash: the ending time of a game does not dictate whether or not the game is a classic, you clueless bitch.

The Yankees want to be the late show of this baseball season, here and everywhere. Want to be, should be.

For a columnist who blasts us with run-on sentences on a weekly basis, this is probably the BEST run-on sentence he has ever written.

Give them all props for coming back the way they have...

Practice what you preach, you stupid midget.

But remember something as they make one last run: This isn't "The Little Engine That Could." Or even close.

Uh oh, do I smell a team salary comment coming up?

This is another $200 million team…

BINGO!!!

Mike Lupica, leading the charge in bringing us new and exciting facts about our favorite New York sports teams…well, that, and regurgitating THE SAME BULLSHIT FOR YEARS…

The reality of this Yankee team is that if it doesn't make it to the postseason, which would mean the first Yankee team since 1993 not to make it to the postseason…

1993? That would mean the Yankees made the postseason in 1994.

Wow, remember how great that postseason was?

Me neither.

The Yankees have their team now. If they don't win with it, then the deal is the same as it's been all along: Somebody over there ought to have some explaining to do.

Just because the deal is the same doesn’t mean your column has to be the same, every week, for two months.

Have they had to overcome a lot? They have.

Uh oh…here comes the Mets comparison!

You think the Mets haven't?

I swear to god, you can set your watch to Mike Lupica.

The Mets haven't had Pedro Martinez since last summer. What comparable long-term pitching loss have the Yankees had since then?

Holy shit, cry me a river, Mike!

Go cry to the Mets for not picking up a pitcher in the offseason to fill in for the hurt Pedro.

Torre has his team. It is a team that has fought back, over the last three months, as well as any he has had. Now that team is supposed to finish the job. No medals for trying. At least not at these prices.

That’s right Mike - the season shouldn’t even be played, because the Yankees have the highest payroll, they should automatically be in the postseason.

Funny - I don’t recall Mike going ape shit like this when the Mets were dying in last place with the highest payroll in the National League.

***

I will watch "Big Brother 8" before I watch another single minute of NFL preseason football.

Shouldn’t sports columnists be more into things like, you know, SPORTS, rather than outdated reality TV shows?

I'm thinking now that I should have gotten with Roger Clemens' trainer when I turned 45.

Please Mike, you were a lost cause back when you were in elementary school…remember, when you always got picked last for pick up games?

When David Ortiz hits the way he has hit the last couple of weeks, the Red Sox are better.

So let me get this straight...when Ortiz is better, the Red Sox are better?

Quality insight right there.

Did you know, the team win the most runs after nine innings, wins?

I can't lie: I wasn't watching when Bonds hit No. 761 the other night.

Oh Mike, you are such an outstanding sports fan.

NO ONE outside of San Francisco was watching either.

I have a feeling that Bonds homerun was only one of many baseball events that Lupica has missed.

Seeing there is so much bad reality TV to watch.