Blowing A Load On Beckett

So the Yankees and Red Sox went at it again last night, and in typical April fashion, the Red Sox came out on top, and by the way Lupica writes about it, MLB should just cancel the rest of the season, because the Red Sox have an ace.

An ace with an ERA over 5, but still, it's Josh Beckett!

Get your barf bags ready, because there is NO CHANCE we'll get through this article without hearing about Game 6 of the 2003 World Series.

When the Yankees beat the Red Sox, Lupica cries about how long it took. When the Red Sox win, it's about heroes.

This was all hardball between the Red Sox and Yankees last night

Hardball!? You mean it wasn’t the Stanley Cup finals?

He (Josh Beckett) was the real story of this game

Manny Ramirez had 2 HRs and 3 RBI, and Ace Beckett gave up 3 runs.

Sorry nerd, Beckett was NOT the real story.

This is the kind of pitcher the Mets hope Johan Santana can be.

A $151 million dollar pitcher with a 5.12 ERA? That's what the Mets hope Johan Santana can be?

The Yankees got him for three runs in the fifth Thursday night.

In two starts against the Yankees this season, Beckett has a 3.68 ERA. Pretty good.

But does he deserve yet another article about how great of an ace he is? Well, he is a Red Sox pitcher, and this is Lupica we're talking about here.

Got nothing after that.

Uh oh, beware the Lupica Poetry!

When Lupica has to resort to his tired sentence fragments for dramatic effect, you know you are going to have to flush twice, because you are looking at a huge pile of shit.

This was the kind of game that big pitchers are supposed to win for their teams.

Yes, this was a HUGE season-altering game for everyone involved.

In April.

The real heat last night came from Beckett.

Three earned runs, eight innings.

This was so much like the game he threw at the Yankees last Sept. 15 at Fenway Park, a Saturday afternoon game, national television.

Uh oh, get ready for that 2003 World Series reference!

And (he) was everything he is supposed to be, everything he was in Game6 of the 2003 World Series against the Yankees at Yankee Stadium

Dingdingding winner!!!!

Was the ace everybody wants, the one who stands there and says he is going to throw it about 95 miles per hour for the next three hours or so, dig in, see if you can hit it.

Lupica Poetry. Can anyone explain it?

Other than...it's stupid?

That is the kind of ace Beckett was last season in Boston.

Yay! Let’s hear it for 2007!

You know who else wishes it was 2007?

David Ortiz.

He had a bad inning last night, gave up those three to the Yankees with two outs in the bottom of the fifth, giving up a double to Johnny Damon and then a single to Derek Jeter, followed by a double to right from Bobby Abreu that brought the Yankees back from 7-0 to 7-3. The rest of the time he was the pitcher the Stadium and the Yankees know and expected him to be

I get it now. When the player you are yanking it to has a bad inning, you just gloss over it, and talk about all the good stuff he did.

Lupica - "You know what Beckett's ERA is in ALL of his shut out innings? Zero!!! Not ONE RUN was giving up in his shut out innings...in his CAREER!!!"

*defiant smirk on his undersized face*

Of course the theatrics last night belonged to Manny.

I see. Beckett gave up three runs, but because of a World Series game five years ago, he is the "real story", a "big game pitcher", an "ace".

Manny's two home runs and game-deciding three RBI?

Oh, that stuff is just silly theatrics.

Finally Farnsworth threw one behind his head. Trying to throw one 100, his manager said. Sure he was. Manny is on the kind of tear that few hitters have ever had over time against the Yankees and they got tired of it and Farnsworth buzzed him.

Holy shit! You mean Farnsworth wasn’t really trying to throw 100 MPH!? I think you are on to something Mike! Girardi must have been covering for one of his players, and you exposed him for the fraud he is! That is some serious crack reporting right there! Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth!!!

The Yankees have a lot. Just nobody like Beckett.

The Yankees could have given up on their young pitchers and $151 million to have Johan Santana, and you would have written an article about every earned run he gave up. You diss the Yankees when they spend for free agents, and when they don’t.

So spare me the dramatic sentence fragment ending to your article.

Speed Up Reality For Reality TV!

You would think, after reading the latest literary bowel movement from Lupica, that he hates baseball. Today's article is all about how the games in the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry take too long and are too annoying.

The biggest rivalry in sports, and Shithead wants them to speed it up and get it overwith.

I think Lupica was just pissed because the game cut into his American Idol/Biggest Loser/Rock of Love II time.

God forbid the little troll pulls himself away from his reality TV fetish and actually watches/reports on/enjoys sports.

The Yankees and Red Sox played another four-hour game last night at the Stadium, the kind of four-hour, nine-inning game they have played against each other in each of the last two seasons, the kind of game that tries to turn what we still call the best rivalry in sports into something, even on a night when both teams came from behind, into something that makes a tractor pull seem like high drama.

Because baseball fans hate to see lots of baseball and runs and lead changes - what a bore!

How ironic that Mike complains about the length of the game in a sentence longer than the 5th fucking inning.

And made you wonder more than once what if Isiah Thomas might get fired before this one ended.

Wow, I'm so used to seeing swipes at the Yankees in Lupicas' articles about the Knicks…now he's bashing Isiah in Yankee articles?

Isiah, you are done.

And, no, I wasn’t thinking about Isiah during the Yankee game - I was wondering if you were gonna write a stupid fucking article about the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry.

Thanks for not letting me down.

Four hours and eight minutes this time.

Jesus Christ, almost a HUNDRED words into the article and you are still talking about the length of the game!?

Put down the stopwatch asshole!

Yankees 15, Red Sox 9. Some seasons they play 19 games against each other. This year it is only 18. No worries. They'll find a way to make up the extra time easy.

Just like you find ways to fill in your article with worthless crap, like reporting on the length of game?

It started Wednesday night in the fifth inning, an epic fifth inning, one that lasted nearly an hour in real time, 53 minutes to be exact.

What did I say about that stopwatch, bitch!?

And "nearly an hour in real time"? What the fuck other kind of time would we be talking about? Bullet time? Uranus time? Hammer time?

The Red Sox came into the top of the fifth down 7-3 to Chien Ming-Wang, who wasn't all that far away from no-hitting the Red Sox last Friday night in Fenway. Then the Red Sox started banging Wang around, five straight hits to start the inning…

Singles, Mike. Five singles. You make it sound like Wang was the second coming of Mel Rojas.

Sometimes the games between these two teams don't just make you wonder about how the Democratic debate is going in Philadelphia, they seem longer than the whole Democratic campaign.

That is so ironic, because Mister Six and I were just discussing this last night…

FaFa - Wow, this is a long game!

Mister Six - Do you know what this game makes me wonder?

FaFa - How the Democratic debate is going in Philadelphia?

Mister Six - Actually, I was wondering if this game is longer than the whole Democratic campaign!

(Cue the crickets)

So it was Wednesday night. Because the Yankees came right back in their half of the fifth against Julian Tavarez.

Ok, that was the beginning of a paragraph. Does it even make sense?

No.

Julio Lugo tried to throw one in the general direction of one of Chuck Knoblauch's old throws…

Here's an idea - try writing a positive article about the Yankees without simultaneously shitting on the Yankees.

Seriously. Surprise us one year.

…the Yankees needed a Triple-A catcher and Chad Moeller, who really can catch and throw and handle pitchers and always could, needed a job. Now here he was in the middle of Red Sox vs. Yankees last night. The biggest year he ever had in the majors was with Milwaukee in 2004, when he got to the plate 317 times and played 101 games and hit just .208. He has never hit much.

His biggest year in the majors was when he hit .208, and then you go on to say he has never hit much?

Great analysis Mike!

The Yankees hit the ball all over the Stadium, hit the way they're going to have to hit this season with this pitching staff…

That's right Mike. Keep punching the Yankees in the balls.

I know it's hard for you to separate criticism from praise when it comes to reporting on the Yankees.

As always, they take wins any way they get them against the Red Sox. No matter how long they take.

Hopefully today's game will take less time, so it won’t cut into your busy schedule of not watching sports events.

Let's Salute Baseball Fans

Question: What do you get when you get high-fived by a midget?

Answer: A giant smack in the balls.

This one is for the baseball fans of New York City, who keep coming no matter what

Tell me, in what city have fans decided to stop coming to games?

who sometimes are even a bigger story than the teams they come to watch.

Like the stupid Mets fans, who still think they are a great team.

Everybody talks about the 1950s in New York…

I know what you’re saying! I mean, on Christmas Eve at the in-laws, all everyone talked about was the 1950’s in New York! I kinda felt bad for all the other decades that were left out of the conversation.

At one point I even said “that reminds me about this one time in the 1940’s…”

All I got were dirty looks.

You want to pick the real Sportsman of the Year in New York? It is those eight million strong, men and women and children.

They stayed with their teams until the very end

Uh oh…I sense a small diss regarding the historical collapse of the playoff-less 2007 Mets, and a book about the failures of the Yankees.

stayed even past that dreadful first inning from Tom Glavine on that last Sunday at Shea Stadium, stayed as the inevitable for the Mets — everything that had been happening for the past 16 games - became truly inevitable against the Marlins.

So many Mets fans stayed all the way until the bitter end, and there had never been a baseball ending this bitter for a New York team, at least not since the Dodgers finally blew it all to the Giants in 1951.

But you wouldn’t know it from reading Lupica’s column, considering he chalked up the collapse to “bad luck”, not “bad team”.

The Yankees did better than the Mets

Wow, that had to hurt.

At least it sounds like Loopy is going to at least acknowledge the Yankees amazing comeback from an awful first half.

Or Arod’s amazing season.

Or the emergence of Joba.

then couldn’t get past the first round of the playoffs again, couldn’t get past the first round for the third year in a row, couldn’t win one round with another $200 million team.

So instead of talking about the best comeback this city has seen in years, we get the same bullshit about first round exits and $200 million payroll.

How many years do you think Lupica would get if plagiarizing yourself was illegal?

In Boston they are now convinced that Fenway Park, the scene of an amazing celebration of baseball for every home game the Red Sox play, has now become the de facto capital of the sport. The Red Sox have now won two World Series since 2004, won two since the Yankees won their last in 2000 and seem set up to win more than that over the next few years.

Wow, when I read the first sentence of this article (“This one is for the baseball fans of New York City”) I kind of assumed it would be an article about the baseball fans of New York City.

Anyone think Lupica mentioned how many more World Series the Marlins had won than the Mets in 2003, since the Mets last won in 1986?

No, but I bet the number 200 million was mentioned at least twice in that 2003 October article.

So it was not just the history of this rivalry that changed after the Yankees were ahead 3-0 in the American League Championship Series of ’04, it was the current history of baseball. It is one reason that Hank Steinbrenner has come out of the gate spending money like this, spending as much in any offseason as the old man ever did, would be willing to spend more on Johan Santana. He wants to take something back from the Red Sox.

Seriously, can this asshole EVER write ANYTHING positive about a team that has made the postseason THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS IN A ROW!?

Saluting baseball fans in New York City?!

Thanks Mike.

Just kick us in the nuts next time.

They sell out the whole season in Boston.

Under 39,000 seats and the only baseball team in town? How is this worth mentioning?

They sell the tickets they sell and would probably sell as many as the Yankees if they had a ballpark as big as the old Yankee Stadium, or the new one.

“Sell…sell…sell!?!?” Ever see “Marathon Man”?

Their teams break their hearts - and, in the case of the 2007 Mets, their legs, too - and they keep coming.

Um, you forgot to mention the 2006 Mets.
The 2005 Mets.
The 2004 Mets.

Oh fuck it, all TWENTY (!!!) Mets teams since 1986.

Is it time to say $200 million again, Mike?

The Sportsman of the Year isn’t A-Rod. It’s the people who watch him play. And pay his salary. This one is for them.

Once again, thanks Mike, we appreciate the compliment.

By “compliment”, I mean “smack in the balls”.

* * *

Just hearing George Carlin on Imus the other week with his unique - and screamingly funny - take on steroids in baseball has me ready for his next HBO special already.

OH hahhaha that old bag Imus sure is funny…

Did they give their take on their overdoses of cocaine and booze too?

If I were the people making the decision for the Mets about who should work with Howie Rose on radio next season, the star search would end with a great young guy named Jon Schiambi, whom I first heard doing Marlins games.

And thanks for the great insight on WHY you would hire him.

Way to expand on your opinion. Dick.

Whenever we go more than few days without hearing from Hank Steinbrenner, I just assume he forgot to get his flu shot.

Oh hahaha! I see you still suscribe to the Imus “book of humor”, which states “being funny is optional’.

Happy New Year.

Fuck you, midget.

The AL East race still has juice

Here we go – the last series between the Yankees and Red Sox this season, and Lupica has to check in with his incredible load of shit.

Diss #1 - never in this world was a team as loaded as the Yankees supposed to be 14 1/2 games off the lead at the end of May.

Diss #2 - The Yankees try to come all the way back and not have to play the Angels in the first round of the playoffs, because if they do, they could be one round and out for a third year in a row.

Diss #3 - The Yankees have overcome a lot. The Red Sox have overcome more, are 9-3 in September without Manny Ramirez.

Isn't it funny how EVERY TEAM has "overcome" more than the Yankees?

UPDATE: Since this article was printed, the “great” Red Sox have gone 1-5, and the “loaded” Yankees have gone 5-1.

Just for shits and giggles, Lupica’s team, the Mets, have also gone 1-5 since this article was written.

Oops, the Mets just blew it against the powerhouse Marlins, giving up three runs in the 9th and one in the 10th.

One and SIX.

Awesome.

Diss #4 - The Yankees? They are playing the way they were supposed to play all along, especially with a team full of stars, and another payroll pushing $200 million.

YAY! It’s the “$200 million” line that all Yankees fans have come to love!

It’s just not a Lupica article without the mention of the Yankees payroll.

For the last time, this Yankee team isn't a "Rocky" movie.

Yeah, it’s a baseball team, not a movie.

Thanks for the update, you midget genius.

The other night, the Yankees went up against the Blue Jays with Alex Rodriguez, the MVP of everything, and Jorge Posada, an MVP candidate himself in any other season except A-Rod's. They had Robinson Cano and Hideki Matsui and Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon. They had Derek Jeter…

Here comes the backhanded Jeter “compliment”!

…who still has the numbers, even though they seem pretty soft this time.

Pretty soft?

Let’s compare "soft"Jeter to Lupica’s butt buddy, Jose Reyes.

You know, Lupica’s “most exciting player in New York”?

Jeter
BA - .318
RBI - 67
SLG - .440
OBP - .388
OPS - .828
OPS+ - .123

Reyes
BA - .289
RBI - 50
SLG - .427
OBP - .362
OPS - .789
OPS+ - 108

And let's not forget...

NUMBER OF TIMES BENCHED FOR NOT HUSTLING
Jeter - 0
Reyes - 1

The only thing "soft" is Lupica around a hot chick.

Around Reyes?

That's another story.

The Red Sox have been vulnerable for awhile. The Red Sox should have added a hitter instead of Eric Gagne at the trade deadline, and paid for it when Gagne came over and blew three games fast. If that doesn't happen, the East is over already. Only it's not. Manny is hurt, Tim Wakefield got hurt and has had two bad starts since coming back, Daisuke Matsuzaka - tonight's Red Sox starter - has looked tired over his last several starts, and as hittable against everybody else as he usually is against the Yankees.

Holy shit, GIVE IT A REST, MIKE!!

When the Red Sox have hurt or underachieving players, they are “vulnerable”.

When the Yankees have hurt or underachieving players, Lupica writes jokes about them for months and reminds us how the Yankees have overpaid for their entire team.

Nice double standard, you dopey douche bag.

Maybe you and crybaby Youkilis should share a nice tender hug together. Candy ass bitches.