More Bullshit Regarding This Worthless Article...

I know Mister Six already covered this Lupica article, but it pissed me off so much that I had to add my two cents.

The story about Rodriguez Tuesday really should have been about the time he spent with a cancer patient, an 18-year-old named John Challis he met last week in Pittsburgh.

This story was about the time ARod spent with John Challis. Cheap tabloid shit like ARod hanging with Madonna is so much more important to sports fans than ARod cheering up a terminally ill kid.

Nice priorities, Mike.

Challis was in New York with his dad Tuesday and Rodriguez ended up giving the young man a tour of his Manhattan apartment and then giving John Challis a ride with him to Yankee Stadium. But because he is A-Rod and sometimes he can't keep the genie in the bottle, so to speak, the paparazzi outside his apartment cared very little about John Challis and wanted to shout out questions only about Madonna.

Congratulations, Mike. You just compared yourself to grocery store tabloid gossip writers - you know, where failed sportswriters go to collect a paycheck.

Nice job, ass face.

Just because that is the world A-Rod lives in and the one we live in.

Sports fans live in a sports world and read the sports section for sports stories that sports columnists usually write about. Not only did you choose to write about a trash story, but you somehow got it past your editors to link ARod to steroids because he hung out with Madonna, a former girlfriend of steroid freak Jose Canseco.

This is the shit that you write about? What the fuck kind of sports writer are you?

We already know the answer to that - you fucking SUCK at writing about sports.

Madonna Is A Steroid Dealer

There's really no other explanation for this latest nugget of Lupica genius.

Cashman smiled. "There's some story going around today about him and Madonna. That's the drama."

Yup, that's the drama. Which is to say that this is really just the latest bullshit that the General Manager of the most famous baseball team on the planet has to address. People aren't asking Cashman about deadline trades. They're not asking about Joba's progression as a starter or Mussina's resurgence, or the fact that despite missing 20 games this year, A-Rod is only 3 homers behind Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore and Carlos Quentin's 19 for the league lead. Cashman's talking to you about Madonna.

Think about that. Think about how fucking ridiculous that is. That the private business of two adults requires commentary from Cashman because one of them happens to play for the Yankees. Could you ever, in a million fucking years, imagine someone asking Cashman about who's waxing Derek Jeter's carrot this week? Jessica Biel? Minka Kelly? Jessica Alba? Vanessa Minnillo? Maybe it's Adriana Lima or Jordana Brewster!!

Another thing... has anybody ever noticed that Jeter seems to have the "Good Luck Chuck" effect on women? Carey married Nick Cannon. Biel's all tight with Justin Timberschmuck. Alba's engaged and pumping out a unit. Vannillo's with Nick Lachey. And Lima's engaged to Marko Jaric! Everybody he dates seems to marry the next guy that sticks around for breakfast.

A little over a year ago, almost 13 months exactly, there were the pictures of A-Rod in Toronto with a blond "exotic dancer" named Joslyn Noel Morse, the two of them not just photographed together but having been seen entering a strip club together, which still seems like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Yeah Lupica. A little over a year ago. And guess who the only person who still cares about it is? That's right! You, mother fucker!! You've got the memory of a 3 foot tall Lup-iphant. You never forget. And you also never forget to ram these crappy non-stories up the anal cavities of your non-readers. Where's the connection between these two events?

When asked about his blond friend in May of 2007, Rodriguez said, "No comment."
Which is what he said Tuesday on the field at Yankee Stadium when asked about the report in US Weekly that he had been seen making some late-night visits to Madonna's West Side apartment. Rodriguez said "No comment."

Well, there you have it. That's tabloid journalism at it's finest right there. It doesn't get much better than that if you're reading US Weekly or The Sun or The National Enquirer. Wait, you mean... this piece was run in the New York Daily News? A credible news publication that claims to have the number 1 sports section in the city?!

A-Rod said "no comment" about the stripper, and then he said "no comment" about Madonna. The only explanation is that "no comment" is A-Rod slang for "Yeah, I fucked that bitch doggie-style!" He needs his own way of saying things because he's the best right-handed hitter in the entirety of baseball. To make sure there's no confusion.

Now, if these stories about him and Madonna are true - and just for the sake of conversation today, let's say Rodriguez wasn't visiting Madonna for their book club - that means he has joined another kind of list, one that in the old days was supposed to have included Jose Canseco, who has been hinting for years, without proof, that A-Rod may have had more than a passing interest in steroids.

Here's where the magic starts! With a signature Lupica run-on sentence. Look at that baby go! SIX FUCKING COMMAS!! TWO HYPHENS!! This sentence is it's own paragraph. For an ordinary sports journalist, you write this sentence, you spell-check and your work is done!

Just in case you got lost in all the words and punctuation, lets examine what Mike's saying here.

Canseco screwed Madonna ----> Canseco did steroids
A-Rod might be screwing Madonna ----> A-Rod must have done steroids too.

By this logic, do you know who else has used performance-enhancing drugs? Guy Ritchie! Not to mention Chris Rock, David Blaine, Chris Paciello, Billy Zane, Andy Bird, Mark McGrath, Charles Barkley, Carlos Leon, Tupac, Dennis Rodman, Anthony Kiedis, Isabella Rossellini, David Duchovny, Big Daddy Kane, James Albright, Vanilla Ice, Lenny Kravitz, Antonio Banderas, Matt Dillon, Prince, Sandra Bernhard, JFK Junior, Sean Penn, Keith Carradine, David Lee Roth, Warren Beatty, Basquiat, Rosanna Arquette, Megan Mullally, Kelly McGillis, John Starks, Henry Rollins, Jennifer Grey and Henry Rollins.

Oh, and Naomi Campbell. I guess that explains her obvious 'roid rage.

There we have it, courtesy of New York's shortest journalist. The link between steroids and famous celebrities of all kinds is clearly Madonna. Thank God for you Mike Lupica. Now the healing process can genuinely begin.

Coming Next Week: Amy Winehouse spotted in Yankee Clubhouse, Giambi Suspected of Crack-Use.

Shooting From The...*YAWWWWWWNNNN*

I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get a little bit tiring, constantly having to defend New York sports from the tyranny of the Keebler Elf Leader. Luckily for me, he actually picked a new topic for Sunday's Shooting from the Lip! Something he's never bitched or whined about!! The New York Knicks!!! Hooray!!!!

Also, we have another mention of Lupica's friends. He sure does seem to have a lot of them, doesn't he? Must be hard for him to remember all of their names and birthdays, not to mention his busy schedule of being a centerpiece in circle jerks all over the tri-state area. Well, before you shed a tear, let me assure you that none of Lupica's "friends" actually have names... because they don't fucking exist.

There is a Knicks fan I know, a big one, who happened to be in London this week.

Bullshit Mike. Who'd you bump into? Spike Lee? He wouldn't risk his street cred to talk to your midget ass! Don't even fucking lie to me. There are like 17 Knicks fans (including myself) in the entire world right now. You didn't find one of them in London.

The last time he attended the NBA draft in person was the night the Knicks traded away Marcus Camby and Nene, did all that and got Antonio McDyess' knee in return.

Yeah, that was a bad fucking trade. But now I know it's not Spike Lee, because there's no way he hasn't been to a draft in that long.

But the guy was sure interested in this one, and sure that he didn't want the Italian kid, Danilo Gallinari.

Of course your imaginary Knick Fan friend doesn't want Gallinari!! If he did, then you'd have no vehicle in which to drive this shitty article up the ass of the 17 actual Knick fans who give a shit.

The guy said that he had stayed with his team through everything, through what has become the worst era in Knicks history, stayed with them through Isiah Thomas, but that if Donnie Walsh drafted the Italian kid, he was done with the Knicks, that's it, goodbye, he'd wait to see if the Nets ever actually made it to Brooklyn.

This Knick fan sounds a lot like Mike Lupica, doesn't he? Lets be serious here. You're a Knick fan (one of the 17) and you've been through season after season of embarrassing, frustrating losses. You've been through Isiah Thomas, Eddie Curry, Larry Brown, Isiah Thomas, Starbury, Lenny Wilkens, Herb Williams, Isiah Thomas, Alan Houston's knees, Antonio McDyess's mummified corpse, Isiah Thomas's sexual harassment suit, Nate Robinson attacking Malik Rose in the shower and Isiah Thomas... and you're gonna quit on your team because they draft a guy that you don't like? Before you ever see the guy play a fucking game?

If this was actually said by a "Knick fan", and not made up in the dwarven brain of Mike Lupica, then whoever this "Knick fan" is... is the worst excuse for a bandwagon fan in the history of bandwagon fanhood. The Knicks haven't even HAD a bandwagon in at least 10 years... and this guy's just jumping off it now?

Speaking of riding dead horses, they just loaded Eight Belles into the starting gate at Belmont for the 1st race. Velazquez thinks he can get one more good run out of her.

He doesn't play any defense, and if we're ever going to get good again in my lifetime, we're eventually going to have to play some defense, right?

Did D'Antoni make them play defense in Phoenix? How'd they do out there? Oh, that's right. Better than the Knicks. And how do you know how much defense Gallinari plays? WE'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN HIM IN THE NBA!!!!!

The drafting of the Italian kid - and that's if Walsh and D'Antoni are right about him - is the start of the team's extreme makeover.

Because what's a Mike Lupica article without some reference to Reality TV?! Extreme Makeover - Knicks Edition!

The Knicks aren't just the worst team in town, they are the one furthest from being something.
I think the Mets are fucked a lot more than the Knicks, no offense Met fans. The Knicks have some young guys that have shown improvement with Nate Robinson, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler, and now Gallinari. They've got Marbury's expiring contract as a massive trading chip.

Lupica's boyfriends, the Mets, pillaged their minor league system for Johan, who already looks like he doesn't want to be here. Oliver Perez and Aaron Heilman also can't wait to get the fuck out of town. Beltran plays baseball 5 years older than he is. Castillo's locked up for 4 years. That team is basically "David Wright or Bust!" for the foreseeable future... and by the time they can do something serious to fix that, David Wright's probably going to want out too. But at least Reyes can dance... when he's not prompting the manager to threaten to cut him.

***

But Bill Clinton was here the other day and seems to be almost as big in England as Jerry Lewis is in France.

More important than the reality TV reference, is the veiled shot at guy who hasn't been the President in 7 1/2 years. Got any good Reagan jokes? How about Lincoln! Lincoln jokes are a gas!!

There's this sausage they sell at Wimbledon called a Dutchee and it's pretty good.

Mike Lupica loves the sausage.

Not bratwurst-in-Milwaukee good, but close enough

I mean, really fucking loves the sausage. Rather than pasting the rest of this, just trust me when I say that he goes on for another half a page about the sausage. How they poke it with a needle to make sure it's ready to be stuck in your mouth. How slow the line is. How he was as excited as a virgin on prom night about wrapping his lips around some big, hot, thick, juicy, British Sausage...

Bondy would have been a lot more impressed about my soccer knowledge if my 6-to-1 bet on Turkey against Germany had paid off, I can tell you that right now.

If any Turkish people are reading this, please note than this is the reason your team lost! Mike Lupica bet on them. I don't know how hardcore you guys are about soccer, but if you want to assassinate somebody for causing the loss to zee Germans, you should target Mike Lupica. He cursed them.

What part of "contract year" is Oliver Perez not getting so far?

The part where he's supposed to win games when his offense doesn't score any runs. If you had ever actually WATCHED a baseball game, you'd understand what I mean.

Who would have thought at the start of the season that Mike Mussina would come back and pitch the way Mets fans want Pedro to pitch?

Mike Mussina's ERA+ is 104 right now. That means he's basically league-average. He's got 10 wins because his team scores runs. That's not to say that he hasn't pitched well, but the bottom line is that he's not chasing a Cy Young or anything.

If Mussina was pitching for the Mets, he'd be 6-10 instead of 10-6, because the Mets don't have the offense to get a guy the win if he gives up 4 runs. And Lupica would bitch about wanting Pedro.

Red Sox fans have probably forgotten all that "Nancy Drew" stuff on J.D. from last season by now, I'm guessing.

Why? He's still a fucking faggot. And he's on pace to miss 28 games this season. He's currently played in 71/85. People call him "Nancy Drew" because he's softer than a newborn baby's ballsack! Not because he can't hit.

Twelve-year-old Shannon Hamilton, from Albuquerque, N.M., won the third go-round's ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer, and set the 2008 roping record in the process.

Welcome to the latest installment of "Using Don Imus's Charitable Deeds to Justify the Fact that He's a Fucking Racist!!"

I'm just hoping the Rev. Al doesn't have any problem with that.

Rev. Al doesn't have a problem with that. Rev. Al has a problem with Imus going on the radio and screaming racial slurs and stereotypes about black people to boost his fucking ratings. Unless you really believe that he was implying that "Pacman was unfairly targeted." Are you that stupid? I didn't think so. I'm not either.

They're not nearly as interested in the Subway Series here as you might think.

I wouldn't think that people in London give a shit about the Mets or Yankees. They have their own sports to worry about.

I had heard London was expensive. What I didn't know was that I was going to need a summer job when I got home.

Don't worry little boy. I'm sure the Daily News will set you up with a paper route to make extra money.

What?! You're a 53 year old man?! Can't they get you some growth hormones or something?!I guess you could be a chimney sweep! Maybe Santa needs help making the toys!!

An Enough-Lupica-Style Fantasy

Just to show how much we love our readers, and that we listen to you guys, and that we're here to entertain and amuse you guys at the expense of people who piss us off, I'm going to delve into the fiction genre with Mark's idea. Plus it's a really cool idea. For the record, the following is an act of fiction and any similarities to events that have happened... or may *cough-hopefully-cough* happen are purely coincidental.

It was a loud, rambunctious night following a Yankee win over the Chicago Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series, and quite a scene was unfolding across the street from the Ballpark in the Bronx at Billy's, as members of the Yankees television and radio broadcast teams came out in public to join in the celebration. The bar was packed to the gills, when suddenly, in through the front door came Daily News Columnist and Short People's Society President Mike Lupica and his Yankee Friends (a blow-up doll in a Red Sox t-shirt and a Teddy Ruxpin bear.) He headed over to the group of Yankee Broadcasters which included Michael Kay, Suzyn Waldman, Ken Singleton, John Flaherty and John Sterling for an impromptu Sports Reporters-style debate.

As the conversation grew louder and louder, with Mike Lupica climbing onto a table so that his child-like person could be both seen, and heard, the bar began to empty. Real Yankee fans spilled out into the streets to continue their celebration away from the nauseating combination of Kool Aid and criticism.

The group continued their discussion, oblivious to the now-empty bar, so oblivious in fact, that they failed to notice the behemoth-like man in head-to-toe black who had just slipped in through the front door, a ski-mask covering his head, a Louisville Slugger in tow.

"A team with a payroll of exactly $209,157,892.77 should win the World Series every year!" proclaimed Lupica, as he stomped angrily on the bar.

"But oh my goodness gracious!! The only thing that could make this night any better was if Roger Clemens were here!" squealed Waldman!

Lupica screamed, "ROGER CLEMENS USES STERO...." but was unable to finish his sentence, as the dark figure had stalked across the room and swung that mighty wooden bat, knocking Lupica off the bar about 70 feet to the back wall like he was a hanging slider.

"Enough is enough...you guys are all hacks" said Lupica's assailant as he began swinging wildly at Michael Kay's oversized head, which exploded much like a watermelon at one of those shitty Gallagher comedy shows.

Ken Singleton tried to flee the scene, but to no avail as the mysterious figure hurled a baseball, hitting him in the back of the neck and killing him with nothing short of a Joba Chamberlain fastball.

Now it was Flaherty's turn, as Waldman and Sterling cowered behind the former major leaguer, but as the black-hooded man bludgeoned Flaherty something terrible happened! The bat broke!!! However would he manage to kill Waldman and Sterling now!?

Alas, not one to be stopped by a mere broken bat, the man lifted Waldman by her ankles and proceeded to beat John Sterling to death with her melon-fucking-head, also killing Waldman.

He then stalked over to Mike Lupica, who was just regaining consciousness, looking up at the man who would surely be his executioner....

"Wh... why... are you... doing... this.... oh, and by the way, what was Jason Giambi really apologizing for anyway? He never said.... uhhhh... ohh... the pain...." mumbled Lupica through his broken jaw.

The figure stood proudly, looking down at Lupica as he pulled off his hood to reveal a familiar face... it was...

BOBBY MURCER!!!

"I did this because a true Yankee can only listen to your bullshit for so long before he's gotta do something about it. I got a fucking tumor from listening to those assholes for all those years!" said Murcer, "But don't worry... you'll live to tell about this."

Murcer then stomped down on Mike Lupica's skull, crushing it under his powerful foot!!

"NOOOOOT!!!" screamed Murcer in his best Borat voice!!

As the last gasp escaped from Lupicas lungs it formed the word, "Hiiiiilllllllllllllllarrrrrryyyyyyyy.....yyy...."

The End....