More Bullshit Regarding This Worthless Article...

I know Mister Six already covered this Lupica article, but it pissed me off so much that I had to add my two cents.

The story about Rodriguez Tuesday really should have been about the time he spent with a cancer patient, an 18-year-old named John Challis he met last week in Pittsburgh.

This story was about the time ARod spent with John Challis. Cheap tabloid shit like ARod hanging with Madonna is so much more important to sports fans than ARod cheering up a terminally ill kid.

Nice priorities, Mike.

Challis was in New York with his dad Tuesday and Rodriguez ended up giving the young man a tour of his Manhattan apartment and then giving John Challis a ride with him to Yankee Stadium. But because he is A-Rod and sometimes he can't keep the genie in the bottle, so to speak, the paparazzi outside his apartment cared very little about John Challis and wanted to shout out questions only about Madonna.

Congratulations, Mike. You just compared yourself to grocery store tabloid gossip writers - you know, where failed sportswriters go to collect a paycheck.

Nice job, ass face.

Just because that is the world A-Rod lives in and the one we live in.

Sports fans live in a sports world and read the sports section for sports stories that sports columnists usually write about. Not only did you choose to write about a trash story, but you somehow got it past your editors to link ARod to steroids because he hung out with Madonna, a former girlfriend of steroid freak Jose Canseco.

This is the shit that you write about? What the fuck kind of sports writer are you?

We already know the answer to that - you fucking SUCK at writing about sports.

Madonna Is A Steroid Dealer

There's really no other explanation for this latest nugget of Lupica genius.

Cashman smiled. "There's some story going around today about him and Madonna. That's the drama."

Yup, that's the drama. Which is to say that this is really just the latest bullshit that the General Manager of the most famous baseball team on the planet has to address. People aren't asking Cashman about deadline trades. They're not asking about Joba's progression as a starter or Mussina's resurgence, or the fact that despite missing 20 games this year, A-Rod is only 3 homers behind Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore and Carlos Quentin's 19 for the league lead. Cashman's talking to you about Madonna.

Think about that. Think about how fucking ridiculous that is. That the private business of two adults requires commentary from Cashman because one of them happens to play for the Yankees. Could you ever, in a million fucking years, imagine someone asking Cashman about who's waxing Derek Jeter's carrot this week? Jessica Biel? Minka Kelly? Jessica Alba? Vanessa Minnillo? Maybe it's Adriana Lima or Jordana Brewster!!

Another thing... has anybody ever noticed that Jeter seems to have the "Good Luck Chuck" effect on women? Carey married Nick Cannon. Biel's all tight with Justin Timberschmuck. Alba's engaged and pumping out a unit. Vannillo's with Nick Lachey. And Lima's engaged to Marko Jaric! Everybody he dates seems to marry the next guy that sticks around for breakfast.

A little over a year ago, almost 13 months exactly, there were the pictures of A-Rod in Toronto with a blond "exotic dancer" named Joslyn Noel Morse, the two of them not just photographed together but having been seen entering a strip club together, which still seems like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Yeah Lupica. A little over a year ago. And guess who the only person who still cares about it is? That's right! You, mother fucker!! You've got the memory of a 3 foot tall Lup-iphant. You never forget. And you also never forget to ram these crappy non-stories up the anal cavities of your non-readers. Where's the connection between these two events?

When asked about his blond friend in May of 2007, Rodriguez said, "No comment."
Which is what he said Tuesday on the field at Yankee Stadium when asked about the report in US Weekly that he had been seen making some late-night visits to Madonna's West Side apartment. Rodriguez said "No comment."

Well, there you have it. That's tabloid journalism at it's finest right there. It doesn't get much better than that if you're reading US Weekly or The Sun or The National Enquirer. Wait, you mean... this piece was run in the New York Daily News? A credible news publication that claims to have the number 1 sports section in the city?!

A-Rod said "no comment" about the stripper, and then he said "no comment" about Madonna. The only explanation is that "no comment" is A-Rod slang for "Yeah, I fucked that bitch doggie-style!" He needs his own way of saying things because he's the best right-handed hitter in the entirety of baseball. To make sure there's no confusion.

Now, if these stories about him and Madonna are true - and just for the sake of conversation today, let's say Rodriguez wasn't visiting Madonna for their book club - that means he has joined another kind of list, one that in the old days was supposed to have included Jose Canseco, who has been hinting for years, without proof, that A-Rod may have had more than a passing interest in steroids.

Here's where the magic starts! With a signature Lupica run-on sentence. Look at that baby go! SIX FUCKING COMMAS!! TWO HYPHENS!! This sentence is it's own paragraph. For an ordinary sports journalist, you write this sentence, you spell-check and your work is done!

Just in case you got lost in all the words and punctuation, lets examine what Mike's saying here.

Canseco screwed Madonna ----> Canseco did steroids
A-Rod might be screwing Madonna ----> A-Rod must have done steroids too.

By this logic, do you know who else has used performance-enhancing drugs? Guy Ritchie! Not to mention Chris Rock, David Blaine, Chris Paciello, Billy Zane, Andy Bird, Mark McGrath, Charles Barkley, Carlos Leon, Tupac, Dennis Rodman, Anthony Kiedis, Isabella Rossellini, David Duchovny, Big Daddy Kane, James Albright, Vanilla Ice, Lenny Kravitz, Antonio Banderas, Matt Dillon, Prince, Sandra Bernhard, JFK Junior, Sean Penn, Keith Carradine, David Lee Roth, Warren Beatty, Basquiat, Rosanna Arquette, Megan Mullally, Kelly McGillis, John Starks, Henry Rollins, Jennifer Grey and Henry Rollins.

Oh, and Naomi Campbell. I guess that explains her obvious 'roid rage.

There we have it, courtesy of New York's shortest journalist. The link between steroids and famous celebrities of all kinds is clearly Madonna. Thank God for you Mike Lupica. Now the healing process can genuinely begin.

Coming Next Week: Amy Winehouse spotted in Yankee Clubhouse, Giambi Suspected of Crack-Use.

Something That Bothers Me...

I don't have an article to tear up today. I wish I did. The last column I saw from Lupica actually put some heat on the Mets, albeit for all the wrong reasons, but I guess I can't bitch too much about that. What's bothering me today, is the fact that Michael Ignacious David Gary Eliot Thomas Lupica (M.I.D.G.E.T. for short) won the Jim Murray award in 2003.

For those of you who don't keep up with obscure sportswriting awards, the Jim Murray Award is given out by the National Football Foundation every year, to outstanding sportswriters. Turns out that the National Football Foundation gives out a few different awards (the highest honor of which, is the Gold Medal, but more on that later.)

Reasons Lupica Winning This Award Bothers Me:

1) Lupica hasn't written anything intelligent in at least 12 years, yet won an award in 2003.
2) Lupica hasn't written about football, except to tell us that Tom Coughlin should be fired, in about 8 years.
3) I just googled "Jim Murray Award Recipients" and found abso-fucking-loutely NOTHING. Seriously, is this a real award? Or does Mikey just edit his own Wikipedia page to include obscure, unverifiable shit like this?

But back to that National Football Foundation Gold Medal stuff that I promised. This part's actually interesting!

Seven U.S. Presidents, Four U.S. Generals, a Supreme Court Justice, and a slew of cool/important fuckers have received this thing, including Dwight D. Eisenhower, Douglas MacArthur, Herbert Hoover, JFK, John Wayne, Jack Kemp, Jackie Robinson, Red McCombs, Roger Staubach and Joe Paterno.

And guess who else won one. Yup, you guessed it. George M. Steinbrenner, III.

Gold. Fucking. Medal.

Just try and top that Lupica.