This Week's Load Of Crap

I skipped Lupica's dumb column about Brett Favre and went straight for the blurbs...

I loved the All-Star Game the other night, from the Hall of Famers on the field, to George Steinbrenner on the field, to Michael Young's sac fly.

So I guess all that hype you complained about last week was all for nothing?

I ended up sitting in the stands for the last half of it,

Because security wouldn’t let you sit there for the first half?

stayed to the end,

Let’s hear it for Mike Lupica – he actually left his New Canaan house to witness a sporting event in person, and he stayed for the entire game!

I mean, wow.

and had as much fun watching it play out as I've had watching any All-Star Game in any sport.

Did you sit on Wilpon’s lap during the game?

Everybody always seemed to have the bases loaded and there were about four different times when you were sure it was over.

Only then it wasn't, and they played on.

Amazing how sports works like that – you never know how it will end.

Thanks for finally getting up to speed, Mike.

Tell you what, though: I wish I could have been with the commissioner of all baseball, my friend Mr. Selig,

It’s good to know that you aren’t above name-dropping at this point in your career.

Come to think of it, at your height, you aren’t really above anything, are you?

when his home plate umpire called Dioner Navarro out when he was clearly safe, and the game should have ended right there.

That might have been kind of neat.

Neat? Of all the adjectives the Midget of Media could have used, he went with “neat”.

What a dork.

Can somebody explain to me why there is this constant panic rush to write off the 2008 Yankees, who aren't just in the running for a wild card, but to still win the AL East?

Yes, Mike Lupica really wrote this.

It’s like when Dwight Gooden was doing those “Just Say No To Drugs” commercials in the ‘80s while snorting lines between takes.

I think it's sort of official that you're going to see me coming out of the bullpen for the Mets before El Duque does.

Considering when Wilpon says “jump,” you always respond with “how high?”

Actually, replace “jump” and “how high” with “swallow” and “how much.”

I do love it when the Yankees act surprised, and sometimes nearly get the vapors, when aging players start to break down on them.

You mean like El Duque, Pedro Martinez and Felipe Alou?

One more time, for those of you (Lupica) who haven’t been paying attention:

Yankees = 8th oldest team in the league.

Mets = 3rd oldest team in the league.

As always, the I-Team at this paper finds it pretty darn special when it breaks a story like the one it did this week about Kirk Radomski shipping HGH to Roger Clemens' house and then seeing the same news presented as breaking news somewhere else.

Coming from a guy who has never ONCE broken a story, yet will dwell on a topic until the end of time as if it was his own.

How quickly Lupica forgot the reason why Lisa Olsen quit.

Jonathan Papelbon may need a filter on his mouth sometimes, and will never be the darling of Yankee fans, but if there is one thing the young man is not, it is overrated.

Why single out Yankee fans?

The guy is a great pitcher, but he seems to love coming across as a total douche. You don’t have to be a Yankee fan to see this.

No wonder you are standing up for him – he’s your kind of guy!

No matter how much Yankee Stadium sang that to him the other night.

When a guy starts talking about being better than another player, when he clearly is not, then he is overrating himself.

So fuck you.

I'll be off for a week or so working on my second serve.

Second serving of what, “Load ala Wilpon?”

See you in August.

You’ll be missed.

Transcript of Lupicunt's Conversation with Yankee Stadium Security!!

With a little digging, I managed to find an exact transcript of Mike Lupica's conversation with Yankee Stadium Security during the All Star Game, as he tried, unsuccessfully, to enter the lower boxes.

Lupica: Hi... I'm Mike Lupica from the Daily News!
Security Guard #1: What? Did somebody say something?
Security Guard #2: I heard it too! Where did it come from?
Lupica: HEY!! I'm down here you sons of bitches!!!!

SG#1: Oh, what can I do for you little boy? Did you lose your daddy?
Lupica: I'm Mike Lupica from the Daily News! I want to go to my seat!!
SG#2: Lupica, Lupica... hmm... you're not on the list, and frankly, I've never heard of you.
Lupica: That's... that's impossible!!! I'm the author of the New York Times Best Selling book, "Heat!"

SG#1: I thought you just said you wrote for the Daily News!! Which one is it little fella?
Lupica: It's both!! It's both!! I write books too!!
SG#2: Hey! I've been working here for 10 years! If you're a member of the press, how come I've never seen you before?
Lupica: Because I've been covering New York sports for over 30 years!! I don't NEED to come to games any more!! Because I've already SEEN everything!!!

SG#1: I still don't know who he is.
SG#2: Me neither, lets test him. Hey short fry... if you're a baseball journalist, tell me something about the Yankees!
Lupica: Their payroll is $200 Million Dollars!!
SG#1: No no, tell me something about somebody on the team!
Lupica: Jason Giambi took steroids!! And so did Andy Pettitte!!
SG#2: Everybody knows that, those are old stories. Tell me something current!!!
Lupica: Umm... A-Rod is having sex with Madonna!!!
SG#1: This guy sounds like a paparazzo.
SG#2: Yeah, hey little guy. I'm sorry, but we can't let you in here. You need to leave.

Lupica: Umm... could you check the list again? Maybe my name is misspelled. It's Lupica. A... L... B... O... M. First name is Mitch.

SG#1: Ohhhh! Mitch Albom, sure, why didn't you just say so. Go right ahead sir.
Lupica: Oh God Dammit...

Stadium Security To Be Ripped on The Sports Reporters!!

You've seen what happened to poor Mike Lupica at the All Star Game... and if not, check out the post before this one. Thanks to Deadspin for the coverage!!

Yankee Stadium Security wouldn't let poor little Mike into the lower level boxes. We hear that they tried to escort him to the handicap seats actually.

Here's a list of the top 10 things Mike Lupica most likely said while arguing with security:

10) You wouldn't be doing this if I were Carl Pavano!!!
9) Come on man!! I'll stand on my seat so you don't even have to find a phone book for me to sit on!!
8) Andy Pettitte!!! Erm.. umm.. ROGER CLEMENS!!! Ermm... HILLARY CLINTON!!! Ack.. Jason Giambi!!!!
7) You know... I have a lot of friends who are Yankees fans!!!!
6) Alright, I'm sorry I wrote all that nasty stuff about the Yankees!! There!! That's a better apology than Giambi's!!
5) My man Barack Obama won't stand for this when he's president!!!
4) Come on man... I'll suck your dick! I'm good!! Just ask Jose Reyes!!!
3) I swear to God... I'll claim to have had sex with A-Rod if you don't let me in!!!
2) De plane, boss!! De plane!!!!! (Click the link to get this joke)

And... the number #1 most likely Lupi-quote from the All-Star Game.

1) Don't you know who I am!? This will remind you... The Yankees Payroll is $200 Million Dollars!!

"Do You Know Who I Am!?"

Check out Deadspin, where someone busted Lupica trying to get past security at Yankee Stadium...

"i was sitting by the entrance to the concourse in the lower level and i hear someone screaming at security so turn to look up the tunnel. It's Mike Lupica and he wasn't being given access to get to the lower field box level so he decided to throw a fit...he pulled a, "do you know who i am" to the guards and ultimately got nowhere, but it was easily an enjoyable moment watching his face turn bright red and freak out during the game..."

CLASSIC!!!