This Week's Load Of Crap

I skipped Lupica's dumb column about Brett Favre and went straight for the blurbs...

I loved the All-Star Game the other night, from the Hall of Famers on the field, to George Steinbrenner on the field, to Michael Young's sac fly.

So I guess all that hype you complained about last week was all for nothing?

I ended up sitting in the stands for the last half of it,

Because security wouldn’t let you sit there for the first half?

stayed to the end,

Let’s hear it for Mike Lupica – he actually left his New Canaan house to witness a sporting event in person, and he stayed for the entire game!

I mean, wow.

and had as much fun watching it play out as I've had watching any All-Star Game in any sport.

Did you sit on Wilpon’s lap during the game?

Everybody always seemed to have the bases loaded and there were about four different times when you were sure it was over.

Only then it wasn't, and they played on.

Amazing how sports works like that – you never know how it will end.

Thanks for finally getting up to speed, Mike.

Tell you what, though: I wish I could have been with the commissioner of all baseball, my friend Mr. Selig,

It’s good to know that you aren’t above name-dropping at this point in your career.

Come to think of it, at your height, you aren’t really above anything, are you?

when his home plate umpire called Dioner Navarro out when he was clearly safe, and the game should have ended right there.

That might have been kind of neat.

Neat? Of all the adjectives the Midget of Media could have used, he went with “neat”.

What a dork.

Can somebody explain to me why there is this constant panic rush to write off the 2008 Yankees, who aren't just in the running for a wild card, but to still win the AL East?

Yes, Mike Lupica really wrote this.

It’s like when Dwight Gooden was doing those “Just Say No To Drugs” commercials in the ‘80s while snorting lines between takes.

I think it's sort of official that you're going to see me coming out of the bullpen for the Mets before El Duque does.

Considering when Wilpon says “jump,” you always respond with “how high?”

Actually, replace “jump” and “how high” with “swallow” and “how much.”

I do love it when the Yankees act surprised, and sometimes nearly get the vapors, when aging players start to break down on them.

You mean like El Duque, Pedro Martinez and Felipe Alou?

One more time, for those of you (Lupica) who haven’t been paying attention:

Yankees = 8th oldest team in the league.

Mets = 3rd oldest team in the league.

As always, the I-Team at this paper finds it pretty darn special when it breaks a story like the one it did this week about Kirk Radomski shipping HGH to Roger Clemens' house and then seeing the same news presented as breaking news somewhere else.

Coming from a guy who has never ONCE broken a story, yet will dwell on a topic until the end of time as if it was his own.

How quickly Lupica forgot the reason why Lisa Olsen quit.

Jonathan Papelbon may need a filter on his mouth sometimes, and will never be the darling of Yankee fans, but if there is one thing the young man is not, it is overrated.

Why single out Yankee fans?

The guy is a great pitcher, but he seems to love coming across as a total douche. You don’t have to be a Yankee fan to see this.

No wonder you are standing up for him – he’s your kind of guy!

No matter how much Yankee Stadium sang that to him the other night.

When a guy starts talking about being better than another player, when he clearly is not, then he is overrating himself.

So fuck you.

I'll be off for a week or so working on my second serve.

Second serving of what, “Load ala Wilpon?”

See you in August.

You’ll be missed.

The New York Mets Payroll is $140 Million Dollars

That's officially the name of every post I write from now on forever. I just want you all to know that. Okay, not really.

As you guys read below, Fafa's too burnt out to take the reigns on this newest nugget of Lupica knowledge, so here I am to take up the good fight against hacky, poorly conceived New York journalism.

Now we will find out if these Met ballplayers are going to be the ones who fire Randolph.

Nope. Omar Minaya's going to fire him... and pray that they start winning, cuz if they don't then he's next. These are his players that are either in decline (Delgado, Alou, Pedro) or underperforming (Reyes, Perez, every Catcher on the Team) or both. Barring something majorly fucking dramatic, Minaya will probably never work in baseball again.

And Monday night, the Mets looked as if they couldn't get a game off a beer-league softball team.

Newsflash to Mike Lupica: They couldn't get a game off a beer-league softball team. They're really shitty. It's not Willie's fault though.

Randolph has been living on the margin since the Mets blew a seven-game lead with 17 games to play last season.

Willie's hitting stats last September: .205/.279/.333, 2 HR, 15 K's, 5 SB, 4 CS
Willie's pitching stats last September: 6 GS, 2-2, 31 IP, 38 H, 21 ER, 6.10 ERA

Waiiiiiit!!! That's right! Willie is the manager! He didn't hit or pitch!!! So who's stats are those? Fuck! Those are the stats for Professor Reyes and Tommy Glavine!!!! Do another dance for me Jose!!!

Let me break this down for everybody out there. The Mets aren't going to get much better than this. You wanna know why? Because their roster is HIGHLY FLAWED. I've listed these reasons before, but I'll do it again. I'll try to be brief.

1) Oliver Perez, Orlando Hernandez, Mike Pelfrey and Nelson Figueroa are not good pitchers. Pedro isn't good any more. Maine is solid. Santana is great. Those other guys can win games when their team scores a lot of runs. But the Mets can't score a lot of runs this year. So those guys can't win much.

2) Reyes has reverted back to an average player. He gets caught stealing too much. He doesn't hit for power and he doesn't get on base enough.

3) Luis Castillo is worthless to a team that already has Reyes leading off. And he walks with a limp.

4) Delgado is a corpse. I'd say the same about Moises Alou, but corpses don't spend that much time on the DL. You carry them out to their position on the field and they don't complain... because they're dead. Alou can't even die peacefully out there.

5) The Mets have given 459 at bats this year to Brian Schneider, Angel Pagan, Damion Easley, Marlon Anderson, Gustavo Molina, Brady Clark, Raul Casanova and Endy Chavez. They've gotten 107 hits for a .233 average and 5 home runs. In other words, they've gotten nothing.

6) Their bullpen is BLEEEECH.

Blaming Willie Randolph for this bunch of crusty old bums and shitty minor leaguers is like blaming Mike D'Antoni if the Knicks don't make the playoffs next season. Even in a perfect world, if he does a perfect job, they're not a very good team.

So yeah, thanks for calling...

Age Topic Getting Fucking Old!

In Lupidwarf's latest "Shooting From The Lip" article, MiniMike once again touches on the age of the Yankees, even though the Mets clearly have the older team.

This week, much like last season, Mike singles out the Yankee outfield, and how "old" they are, referring to them as "an outfield that sometimes looks older than disco."

Mike, you dumb confused little bitch. I guess we'll have to break out the stats again.

METS OUTFIELDERS

Moises Alou - 41 years old
Carlos Beltran - 30 years old
Ryan Church - 29 years old

AVERAGE AGE =33.3

YANKEES OUTFIELDERS

Hideki Matsui - 33 years old
Melky Cabrera - 23 years old
Bobby Abreu - 34 years old
Johnny Damon - 34 years old

AVERAGE AGE = 31

Any time you want to start knocking the Mets, please let us know.

Asshole.

Research By Fellow Lupica Hater Makes The Midget Look Like A Big Dick!

I got this email from fellow Lupica Hater Jeffrey R., who uses facts to make Lupica look like a dick.

Facts, Lupica - you should try them sometime.

Here's the email:

Just thought you'd wanna know this since Lupica sees fit to hammer the Yankees about the age of their team.

As seen in Adam Rubin's article in the Daily News today (March 7th) titled "Confident his Mets have healing power"…

Rubin cites the fact that the Mets are, in fact, the oldest team in ALL OF BASEBALL by "average age of players".

Evidently, the list is as follows:

Mets - 29.79
Red Sox - 29.75
Astros - 29.56
Tigers - 29.45

Furthermore, a simple look at ESPN.com provides the following:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/stats/rosters , which lists the ten oldest as follows:

Red Sox - 30.01
Astros - 29.7
Mets - 29.5
Cards - 29.5
Phillies - 29.3
Tigers - 29.2
Dodgers - 29.2
Brewers - 29.1
Reds - 28.9
Blue Jays -28.7
And in 11th place…. The New York Yankees at 28.7.

So it's not like these teams are ranked 1 and 2 here. The Mets, according to Rubin are NUMBER FUCKING ONE ON THE LIST… and according to ESPN, rank 3rd.

The Yankees weren't listed by Rubin (although he only listed the top 4) and are FUCKING ELEVENTH on ESPN…. Which is probably why Rubin didn't list them… because THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN THE TOP FUCKING TEN!!!

If I were a betting man, I'd guess that the difference between Rubin's number and ESPN's is that ESPN probably used El Duque's listed age of 41.

Rubin, being a New Yorker and probably more familiar with Orlando
Hernandez probably cut him in half and counted the rings, coming out with the
logical conclusion that El Duque is actually 7,422 years old.

Or maybe Rubin also counted El Duque's bunion as a member of the team and the factored in that it's at least 50 years old.

Thought you'd like this information.

Yes, Jeffrey, we love the info.

Lupica has the fucking nerve to talk about the age of the Yankees, while the Mets are the top of the senior citizen list!

Are you gonna compare the average ages of Mets players to Yankees players, like you did last year during Spring Training? You douche bag midget fuck?

I didn't think so. What a short loser.

One Year Later, Mike Is Still Clueless

About a year ago, Lupica checked in with his annual pre-season “The Yankees Are Too Old!” article, comparing the average ages of the Mets and Yankees.

As usual, Lupica put his special anti-Yankee spin on the article, making the Yankees out to be senior citizens.

The Mets’ younger average age really helped out the Mets down the stretch last season, right Mike?

Apparently, Mike hasn’t learned anything from last year. This is the nonsense we got from him today...

“The Yankees better start getting younger with pitching, because it's sure not happening with the team they put on the field every day.”

The Yankees retained all of their position players, and they are all a year older.

Not a decade older.

How did this already old team do last season?

And how did the spring chickens over in Queens make out?

Let's compare!

2007 Stats

Strapping Young Mets

Offense

Batting Average - 2nd (NL)
Hits - 5th (NL)
RBI's - 5th (NL)
Home Runs - 5th (NL)
SLG - 7th (NL)
OPS - 5th (NL)
Runs - 4th (NL)

Defense

Errors - 8th Best (NL)
Fielding Percentage - T6 (NL)

Crusty Old Yankees

Offense

Batting Average - 1st (MLB)
Hits - 1st (MLB)
RBI's - 1st (MLB)
Home Runs - 1st (AL)
SLG - 1st (MLB)
OPS - 1st (MLB)
Runs - 1st (MLB)

Defense
Errors - 3rd Best (AL)
Fielding Percentage - T3 (AL)

Wow! Those crusty old position players on the Yankees owned those younger Mets in batting and fielding!

Once again Mike, your stupid ass comments are just as worthless as ever.

Clemens, comparing Yankees and Mets, the ARod/Jeter non-issue...

What a surprise – Lupica wasted his entire article space on Roger Clemens and what it would do to the Yankees average age if they signed him, and how it would compare to the Mets, who are opening their new stadium, Jurassic Park, within the next few years.

How is this a story again, in February? I must have missed the press conference where the Yankees introduced Clemens as their ace.

This is a topic Lupica has touched on a dozen times before, and he can’t seem to let it go. He also can’t seem to stop bashing the Yankees, but this comes as a surprise to no one. As usual, Lupica just regurgitates the same old crap and somehow still collects a paycheck.

Let’s take a look at some excerpts from this week's “Shooting From The Lip” column…

…we read about the old guys, too, because the Yankees and Mets, both of them, will rely mightily on old guys this season: Glavine, El Duque, Pedro, Mussina, Pettitte.

Nobody is relying mightily on Pedro Martinez this season you jackass – he’s going to be out until September.

Let’s examine what’s left of Lupica’s comparison…

Tom Glavine – 41 years old
El Duque – 41 years old (or more)
Average – 41 years old

Mike Mussina – 38 years old
Andy Pettitte – 35 years old
Average – 36.5 years old

Nice comparison, Mike.

Imagine how the average age of everything would go up if the Yankees had hung on to Randy Johnson…

Imagine if the Yankees traded him…oh right, they did. Another moot point – typical Lupica garbage.

We have a lot of fun with how old the Mets are because of Glavine and El Duque and Moises Alou. But the Yankees won't have a starting outfielder under the age of 32.

Another misleading comparison.

Bobby Abreu - 33 years old
Johnny Damon - 33 years old
Hideki Matsui - 33 years old
Average - 33 years old

Shawn Green - 34 years old
Carlos Beltran - 30 years old
Moises Alou - 40 years old
Average - 34.7 years old

See Mike? I can use stats to work in the Yankees favor - thanks for being unbiased!

By the way Mike, can you try to sound more like an adult newspaper columnist and less like an 8 year old arguing with his mother for the last lollipop? “Waah! But you said I could have the last one!”

Clemens told his son Koby, an Astros farmhand, that he was "80-20" against pitching again this season.

Anyone notice how “80-20” has made it’s way onto Lupica’s list of favorite numbers?

Mike Lupica’s Official List of Favorite Numbers:

1. 200 million
2. 80-20

Cashman seems ready to let go of 1996. Not everybody is, apparently.

Yeah, and Yankees fans seem ready to let go of the payroll issue.

Not everybody is, apparently.

When you were reading about the silliness between A-Rod and Capt. Jeter, starting this time when A-Rod got the first word in, didn't you feel as if it were like some sort of baseball, guy sequel to "Mean Girls"?

Oh I see, the A-Rod/Jeter non-story is now considered “silliness”? That’s why you wrote an entire article about it? (“Bombers Best Not Buddies”, 8.19.06) I guess since it’s considered “silliness”, you aren’t going to bring it up again? Yeah, right!

Nice reference to a Lindsay Lohan movie that no self-respecting sports fan would comprehend. (I had to look it up).

Ya think Mike got a discount at the movie theater because he’s the same height as an average 10 year old?