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Friday, December 26, 2008

A Christmas Present for ReyesDaMan!!

Just because he made some yappy comment about how "The Yankees are all hype and no substance."

So why don't we go position by position here... and obviously, teams aren't finalized yet.  But this is just for fun.  And I'll make some guesses when I feel confident.

Catchers - Jorge Posada and Jose Molina vs. Brian Schneider and Ramon Castro

Posada, even coming off surgery, is by far, the best offensive player here.  Molina is the best defensive guy here.  Castro is the better catcher on the Mets, and he doesn't even start.

Advantage - Yankees.

First Base - Mark Teixeira vs. Carlos Delgado

Teixeira is the second best player at his position in the game (behind Pujols).  Delgado is like... the second oldest player at his position.  Aside from a fluky month and a half... where Delgado hit like Bonds (and was probably taking some form of drug), Carlos was a complete stiff.

Advantage - Yankees.

Second Base - Robinson Cano vs. Luis Castillo

Cano is in his early 20's, coming off a bad year.  Castillo is in his mid-30's, coming off a worse year.  And he walks with a limp.  And he's supposed to be a speedster.  And barring a rules-change, you still can't steal first base.

Advantage - Yankees.

Third Base - Alex Rodriguez vs. David Wright

David Wright is the best third baseman in the NL.  There's no doubt about that.  Sadly for him, Alex Rodriguez is a 3-time MVP, and one of the top 3 players in the entire game.  A-Rod outdoes Wright on offense and defense.

Advantage - Yankees.

Shortstop - Derek Jeter vs. Jose Reyes

Yankee fans are going to jump straight up my ass about this, but I'm going to be honest here.  Jeter's aging.  And I'm not the type to salivate over his calm eyes and intangibles.  I'm a stats guy.  Reyes has better stats.  He loses points for being an immature hot dog though.  And everybody knows you can't get a hot dog at Shea in October.

Advantage - Mets

Left Field - Johnny Damon/Hideki Matsui/Manny Ramirez vs. Fernando Tatis?

As it stands, Damon and Matsui are better, more proven, and probably equally defensively inept to Tatis.  In the event that Manny ends up in the Bronx, this becomes an even more ridiculous advantage.  Tatis had a fluky couple of months before getting hurt.  He hasn't been even decent in about 10 years.

Advantage - Yankees.

Center Field - Melky Cabrera/Brett Gardner/Nick Swisher vs. Carlos Beltran.

Although, if Manny comes to the Bronx, Damon will shift to Center.  Regardless, Beltran is one of the 3 best defensive CFs in the game.  And he's capable if not overwhelming on offense.  He's better than anybody the Yanks will stick in Center this year.

Advantage - Mets.

Right Field - Xavier Nady vs. Ryan Church

Nady went for 25 homers and 97 rbi last year between Pittsburgh and the Yanks.  Church was surprisingly better than decent for the Mets, except for those repeated concussions.  Church is better on defense.  Nady is probably better on offense.  Neither one has fully proven themselves.

Advantage - Even.

Starting Pitching - Sabathia, Wang, Burnett, Chamberlain & Hughes
vs. Santana, Maine, Pelfrey, Niese... and... Oliver Perez!  Or Derek Lowe.

Do we need to get in-depth about this?  You can argue all you want about Santana vs. Sabathia... but after that, it's all Yankees.  Wang, Burnett and Chamberlain are so much better than Maine, Pelfrey and any of those other four names... that it's not debatable.  And whether the Mets get Lowe or Perez, again... this isn't even close.

Advantage:  Yankees.

Bullpens:  Jose Veras, Brian Bruney, Edwar Ramirez, Damaso Marte, Phil Coke vs. J.J. Putz, Dr. Von Heimlich, Gag Me Sidearm, and the Chokin' Twins.

Point is... the Yanks bullpen was solid last year.  Actually a little better than solid.

The Mets pen was the worst in baseball.  I don't have stats to prove this.  But does anybody want to argue about it?  What?  No?  Mmkay.  Putz is the only significant new piece.

Advantage:  Yankees.

Closers:  Mariano Rivera vs. Francisco Rodriguez

Mo's coming off surgery and says he'll be fine.  He's up there in age, but he's coming off a good year.  Rodriguez set the saves record last year.  His velocity was down for most of the season.  And he allows a ton of baserunners.  Paired with some suspect defense, those baserunners could be dangerous for the Metsies.  But we'll see.

Advantage:  Even.

So in closing... the score is 7-2 for the Yankees.  Which could also very easily be the final score of every game the Yankees play against the Mets in the coming season.  Especially when the Yankees get Manny.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas - from Santa's Smug Elf!

What are the sheer odds? Walking by the Oompa Loompa Display at the Stamford Mall, I found a crumpled handwritten piece of paper and picked it up – imagine my shock when I realized I’d actually stumbled upon Limpicock’s Christmas List!

Dearest Santa:

Have you lost weight? You look fabulous, and I LOVE that red suit! Just curious here – you also have red socks?

Now down to business - for Christmas, I want:

1 - Shoe lifts;

2 - The ability to access information quickly so I can try this new approach to writing called “research” – maybe some type of connection that allows my PC to gather information from reliable sources instantly, giving me an almost unlimited ability to better do my job (I know, I’m living in a crazy dream-world, but SOME day) …, wait, scratch that – I don’t care to do a better job;

3 - Shoe lifts;

4 - More readers who hate New York sports in general (and the Yankees specifically), and are mindlessly willing to suspend reality in order to see my views;

5 - an industrial drum of Astro-Glide for when Omar comes over;

6 – a larger soapbox to preach from (people walk by and ask me how much for the lemonade - I HATE that!);

7 – surgery to make my face just a little more smug;

8 – shoe lifts;

9 – a breakout year from: Beltran (to FINALLY bat over .285 since becoming a Met), Reyes (to FINALLY bat over .300 since coming to the majors), and I really want Wright to get rbi’s that mean something;

9 – a weekend getaway at Imus’s ranch for me and the Wilpons (better have some more Astro-Glide waiting there, too … oh wait, never mind – Imus gets it at a discount);

Listen Claus, I’ve been a very smug little boy this year and fully expect you to come thru for me,


PS – don’t know if you get news up in the North Pole, but the Yankees have just spent almost half a billion dollars this winter and (obviously) have the highest payroll in baseball – just thought you should know. What do you mean, it’s actually $425 million over various extended periods of time, and that stating it that way is deceiving? You …, you’re QUESTIONING ME??!! You fat bastard, do you know who I am?? I’ll rip that beard off your face and jam it up your … sorry – I lost it there for a second.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lupica Cancels The Super Bowl

Sorry boys and girls, according to Mike Lupica, NO ONE will be winning the Superbowl this season.

Cancel the rest of the games.

If (the Giants) lose to the Panthers at home Sunday night that makes it three losses in a row. And you know how many teams have lost three in a row in December and then gone on to win the Super Bowl? None, that's how many.


That’s how many.

Since it’s never happened, that means it never will, according to sports “expert” Mike Lupica.

Using "LupiLogic," let’s see why no one else will win the super bowl this season…

The following teams have never won the super bowl, and thus, never will:

Buffalo Bills
Cleveland Browns
Cincinnati Bengals
Tennessee Titans
Houston Texans
Jacksonville Jaguars
San Diego Chargers
Philadelphia Eagles
Minnesota Vikings
Detroit Lions
Carolina Panthers
Atlanta Falcons
New Orleans Saints
Arizona Cardinals
Seattle Seahawks

Let’s see who else will be left out of the Superbowl this season…

The Patriots never won a Superbowl without Tom Brady, never will.

The Jets never won a Superbowl since they moved to Giants Stadium, never will.

The Dolphins never won a Superbowl without Don Shula, never will.

The Steelers have a black football coach not named Tony Dungy – you know how many black football coaches not named Tony Dungy have won the Superbowl? None, that’s how many.

The Ravens never won a Superbowl with a rookie QB, never will.

The Colts never won a Superbowl with Reggie Wayne being their lead receiver, never will.

The Broncos never won a Superbowl with six losses during the regular season, never will.

The Chiefs have Herm Edwards - he never won it all, never will.

The Cowboys? Tony Romo can’t win a playoff game, never will.

You get the idea.

Let’s hope the Giants can win this weekend, so they can go on and win the Superbowl.

Too bad there won’t be any team to oppose them.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Newsflash!!! Mets and Yankees Acquire Babe Ruth, Cloned from DNA!!

And our best friend, Mike Lupica, was blessed with the opportunity to cover both deals! But lets run you over the details of each deal first.

Yankees get: New Babe Ruth, Cloned from DNA of Old Babe Ruth, age 25.

Red Sox get: Alfredo Aceves, Brett Gardner, Ian Kennedy, Mark Melancon & $20 Million Dollars.

Yankees sign New Babe Ruth to a 10-year contract extension worth $250 Million.

Mike Lupica's Coverage:

Theo Epstein, again, proves what an amazing general manager that he is, by fleecing a boatload of cash and four of the best Yankee prospects of the last 20 years out of Brian Cashman.

The Yankees offered fists-full of money for a guy who's not proven, who might well buckle under the pressure of playing baseball in New York. Who knows how Babe Ruth will respond to the media and the rigors of playing in New York City? Certainly not Cashman, who commits too many years, and too many dollars to a guy who's probably overrated.

And moreso, how does Cashman explain it to his spoiled fans, when Gardner turns out to be Bernie Williams? And when Kennedy and Aceves morph into Pettitte and Mussina? And best of all, if Melancon becomes the next great closer in baseball?

The Yankees have thrown away their future because they're desperate to get young, to get the big name, even if it comes with a big body. An overweight outfielder who's behavior off the field will never be as good as on it.

For Cashman's sake, he'd better hope those prospects are typical "Yankee Prospects." You know, the ones everybody loves until it's time to bring them up to The Show.

And now for the Mets deal:

Mets get: New Babe Ruth, Cloned from DNA of Old Babe Ruth, age 25.

Phillies get: Mike Pelfrey, Fernando Martinez, Daniel Murphy, Jon Niese, Nick Evans & $30 Million Dollars.

Mets sign New Babe Ruth to a 15-year contract extension worth $500 Million.

Mike Lupica's Coverage:

This was a deal the Mets had to make. Ruth is a big man who's ready for the big city. In fact, there's no other city big enough for him. The biggest thing about this kid is his talent. He solves so many problems for the New Mets, giving them a big bat in the outfield and an extra large persona inside the clubhouse. And the biggest thing of all for the big kid that's heading to Flushing, is the big hits he'll produce in the clutch.

People might say that the Mets gave up too much, or paid too much, or tried to hard, but there's just no way Omar Minaya could let this opportunity pass him bye. This changes everything for the Mets, who show that they won't back down from anybody.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Hot Stove = Steaming Pile of Lupishit

Now that we are in the thick of the hot stove season, Lupica is doing his annual rant about the Yankees overspending for free agents.

I just wanted to take this moment to look back at all the shit that Lupica wrote about Santana last year.

Remember when everyone thought the Yankees were going to get Santana? This is what Lupica wrote:

They're ready to break the bank for Johan Santana and thereby go against all the data on signing starting pitchers to longterm deals.

And this:

Why won't Santana break down sometime during the length of his contract?

And this:

Put me down as somebody who thinks that Johan Santana is a wonderful pitcher, but not the second coming of Sandy Koufax and not somebody I would pay $150 million on a bet.

So, since the Yankees were about to get Santana, Lupica immediately started slamming the deal.

Then, after the Yankees had no intentions of giving up their future for Santana, the Mets stepped in and made the trade for him.

Look how fast Lupica changed his tune:

The Mets finally showed up for the baseball winter, beat the Yankees and the Red Sox to Santana

Yes, the Mets "beat" the Yankees to Santana…

And this:

This is one deal the Mets have to close.

Suddenly, he goes from "don't sign a pitcher to a long term deal!" to "Mr. Wilpon, I'll wear that cute little French maid number if you get Johan!"

…it is going to cost between $110 million and $120 million in the end…

And, as we all know, it cost $31 to $41 million more than Lupica predicted, and $1 million more than Lupica would have paid on a bet, whatever the fuck that means.

I'm just bringing this all up now, because for the entire 2009 season, no matter how good Sabathia does, we are going to hear about how much the Yankees overpaid for him, and I wanted to remind you how quickly Lupica switched gears about Santana once the Mets made the trade for him.

Let's move on to all the bullshit Lupica wrote in the last few days, starting with the K Rod free agent signing…

There is no binding deal, yet, or physical, but the Mets get the guy they want now, before the Yankees get the big guy they want, which means CC Sabathia, who is big in all ways.

Mike Lupica, who, in a pinch, could take a bath in a thimble, is making fun of Sabathia's size.

Irony - gotta love it.

You can look at it this way: If Frankie Rodriguez is the Mets closer in the 2006 National League Championship Series, the Mets go all the way to the World Series.

When he had his very best chance on a team good enough to win it all - the 2002 Angels, before he was the Angels' closer - he was all you could ever want.

That's pretty impressive. Unfortunately, that was also SEVEN seasons ago.

K Rod's post season stats since he became the permanent closer for the Angels in 2005:

Since 2005:

8.3IP, 8Ks, 6BBs, 13 hits, 5.40 ERA

How about the last two post seasons?

2.7IP, 3Ks, 3BBs, 6 hits, 13.48 ERA


I guess Mike was too busy fellating Omar Minaya to look at K Rod's stats past 2002.

Next up, the CC Sabathia free agent signing…

No matter what kind of Christmas story the Yankees try to write on CC Sabathia, this has to be the first time in all recorded sports history that a team practically had to beg somebody to take an offer of $161 million

Sabathia said he wanted to go to the west coast and stay in the NL - did you think lowballing the guy would have been a better plan?

The Yankees did what they had to do with Sabathia: Money-whipped the guy they decided they absolutely had to have.

Correct - they had to overpay for a guy they had to have.

He is also not the pitcher that Santana is, Santana being a guy who probably would have pitched the Yankees into October last season

Just like he pitched the Mets into October last season?

It is also worth mentioning Sabathia has about the same postseason record as Chien-Ming Wang.

Post season records:
Wang - 1-3
Sabathia - 2-3

And, just for fun:
Santana - 1-4

Wow, look how bad everything gets when you cherry pick stats.

Maybe CC Sabathia, who is young and has the arm and carried the Brewers on his back in August and September, will turn out to be the guy who puts the Yankees back on top after so many other free agents and superstars did not. Jason Giambi (remember the Yankees bidding against themselves on him?) wasn't and Mike Mussina wasn't and Roger Clemens wasn't the second time around and neither was Randy Johnson. A-Rod sure hasn't been.

Hold the phone, Mike.

Has Pedro? No.

Has Santana? No.

Please, the Mets couldn't even reach the postseason with him.

When was the last time a SINGLE PLAYER "carried" him team to a world series title? When the Yankees had their dynasty in the '90s, who was the one player who carried the team? Jeter? O'Neill? Tino? Rivera?

Let me know when it happens, because it hasn't yet.

Nice job singling out ARod there. I guess two MVP awards in 5 years means you are worthless.

Next up, Lupica wrote some shit about the Yankees trying to get more financing for the new stadium. I don't really understand this shit, so I'll let Brian W from Brooklyn sum it up…

Mr. Lupica-

So, in a week during which the Wilpons and their partners found out that a. Citibank might not be able to pony up for "Citifield" naming rights due to bankruptcy and b. they had been swindled out of half a billion dollars, the Yankees are a fiscal blight. Got it! Save us all the trouble of reading your gibberish. Just write "I HATE THE YANKEES" in the biggest size font possible.

Missed where you were an expert on finance or economics, but when has the fact that you know nothing ever stopped you? May be you could've left your Connecticut mansion and found out that Mr. Madoff was taking his clients' money and wasting it on Democratic pols. But that would involve actual reporting.

On to the stupid blurbs…

I can't be sure of this, incidentally, but I think the governor of Illinois was also in on the bidding for Sabathia and Burnett .

I love when Lupica tries to mix politics, baseball and humor, all in the same sentence!

Someone let me know when he learns anything about, well, politics, baseball and humor.

Recently, a Met fan friend of mine asked me why I hate Lupica so much. I told him because he rips on the Yankees and all the NY teams, except the Mets.

Let's see how many NY teams he rips here…let's start with the Giants…

We keep hearing that the Giants, if they keep winning, get home-field throughout the playoffs, and they do.

Except off the way they played last Sunday in Meadowlands weather, you wonder just how much of an advantage that is actually going to be.

We know that Simms and LT and them used to love to play at home when the wind was blowing around like something from the Weather Channel.

So I guess what Lupica is trying to say is that the Giants are no good in playing in bad weather, correct?

So how does he make his point?

They were total champions in the cold of Lambeau Field in their NFC Championship Game.

Um, right - I guess that game was played in good weather?

And lost to the Panthers, bad, the last time they played a home playoff game.

Just something to consider.

Did you consider that that game was played three years ago?

What a douche.

Moving on to the Jets…

I guess my question for the Jets goes something like this:

If all they wanted to do was throw short passes, which is all they threw against the 49ers, why didn't they just keep Chad Pennington ?

Maybe because he SUCKED as a Jet?

Moving on to the Rangers…

When the Rangers lost to the Devils, 8-5, on Friday night, who was playing goal - Dolan ?

HAHAHAHAHAhaahahaha!!! Oh Mike, you are too funny!

And too short.

Back to the Yankees...

I'm not the world's biggest Andy Pettitte fan, but I wouldn't take a dime less to come back to the Yankees.

Because this isn't about what they think is right with him.

It's about how they want things to look.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with Pettitte's 4.54 ERA, right Mike?

So there you have it. A week's worth of bullshit and Mike gets in all his knocks against the Yankees, Giants, Yankees, Jets, Yankees, Rangers, and the Yankees.

And the Yankees.

I can't wait to read his shit for another baseball season.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Let's Play...Guess The Closer!!!

Which of these is K-Rod, who just got signed for $37 million by the Mets, and which is Joe Nathan, Mo Rivera, Jonathan Papelbon, Brad Lidge, and, just for shits and giggles, Billy Wagner?

2008 Stats:

Closer A: 69.3 IP, 1.95 ERA, 92 K, 35 BB, 1.226 WHIP

Closer B: 70.7 IP, 1.40 ERA, 77 K, 6 BB, 0.665 WHIP

Closer C: 69.3 IP, 2.34 ERA, 77 K, 8 BB, 0.952 WHIP

Closer D: 67.7 IP, 1.33 ERA, 74 K, 18 BB, 0.901 WHIP

Closer E: 47 IP, 2.30 ERA, 52 K, 10 BB, 0.894 WHIP

Closer F: 68.3 IP, 2.35 ERA, 77 K, 34 BB, 1.288 WHIP

If you said A, B, C or D is K-Rod, then you are...a dumbass!

If you said E is K-Rod, then you...underestimated Billy Wagner!

If you said F is K-Rod, the closer out of this group who has the worst ERA, most walks, and worst WHIP, then you are...CORRECT!

And, most likely, a Yankee fan.

I can't wait to hear Mike Lupica say how the Mets "had" to make this deal.

A - Brad Lidge
B - Mo Rivera
C - Jonathan Papelbon
D - Joe Nathan
E - Billy Wagner
F - K-Rod