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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Shut Up Millar, Ya Douche

Edwar Ramirez got ejected from the game vs Baltimore on Tuesday, for throwing inside.

Cry me a river.

So what did Big Mouth Millar have to say about it?

"He's a cute little fella," Millar said of the very thin Ramirez. "He doesn't throw very hard and doesn't have very good stuff. It was probably a good idea that they did throw him out because it would probably have been (a shot to) Monument Park.

"He's good hittin'."

Kevin Millar vs Edwar Ramirez

4 ABs
1 hit
3 Ks

Orioles vs Edwar Ramirez

10.2 IP
2 ER
10 K's

Good hittin? When does that start?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Joba Owns Beckett And Red Sox; What Does Lupica Say?

Word up, Lupica haters!

This week, Lupica wrote another fucking column about Clemens, and how George Bush shouldn’t give him a pardon.

Who gives a shit, really?

The only person in the world who isn’t tired of Clemens is Lupica.

Give it a rest, Mike. The guy is a total tool. We get it.

Move the fuck on.


It was pretty neat, I thought, that Charlie Manuel criticized Jose Reyes for being a hot dog on the same day Manuel's shortstop, Jimmy Rollins, couldn't make it to Shea Stadium on time.

Apples, meet Oranges.

A-Rod's friends now are out there saying the whole thing is Cynthia Rodriguez's fault, she drove the poor guy into the arms of other women, and I'm thinking these are the kinds of friends angling for a shot at "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

Sports, Lupica. Try covering it sometime.

Nice job plugging another worthless TV show.

You don't have to like Billy Wagner,


or the way he blows sky high sometimes, or everything he says, whether he is standing in front of his locker or talking on the radio.

And if you are a Mets fan, you can already be wondering about whether Frankie Rodriguez or somebody else could be the closer here before long.

But you still have to say that Wagner is one of the most interesting people to ever hold down the job of closer in New York.

He sucks in the clutch, and he’s a joke in the post season. He’s got a big mouth and he’s a team divider.

This is why he is “interesting” and deserving of space in Lupica’s dumb column.

You can have “interesting”; I’ll take Rivera.

On Saturday, Joba pitched the best game in his short career, beating the Red Sox in Boston, with Josh Beckett going for the Sox.

Josh Beckett, Mike Lupica’s wet dream from Boston.

Remember this quote by the dwarf?

"The Yankees have a lot. Just nobody like Beckett." - Lupica, 4.18.08

Every sports writer in New York wrote a story about Saturday's game.

Here’s what Lupica had to say…

The Yankee broadcasters kept saying that it made no "sense" for Joba to put a fastball up in Kevin Youkilis' eyes the other night, and I'm wondering what sort of "sense" it made when Joba put two over Youkilis' head last season.

That’s all, folks!

No story, no column, nothing. Just bullshit about Joba throwing at Youkilis again.

Imagine the sports media without Lupica…we’d never learn anything about the Yankees.

Or anything else relevant.

A tough young girl from Sunny Valley, Ore., named Camala (Cami) Million, won the fifth go-round rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer last week, and turned in a record time of 19.62 seconds doing it.

Wow, did you snort a line of cocaine with Imus while discussing this story with him?

Even between one season and the next, it remains one of the most amazing things in sports that the Knicks and Rangers, combined, have won two playoff series in the last eight seasons at the Garden.

New York Mets: one playoff series win in the last seven seasons, with the highest payroll in the NL for the last five years.

But hey, at least they got two last places finishes under their belt during that time.

And that neither one of them, despite piles and piles of money spent, has made it past the second round of the playoffs.

Yet once again, no mention of the Mets payroll or lack of success in October.

Can Carlos Delgado win Comeback Player of the Year just for the way he's come back in the same season?

Ask Robinson Cano. He would have won it the last two seasons.

And possibly this season.

The bushier Giambi's mustache gets, the more he looks like a bouncer.

Uninteresting, unfunny and uninformative. Typical Lupica.

If Mike Pelfrey had an unusual nickname, people might get as excited about the way he's pitching for the Mets as Yankee fans are about Joba.

Joba’s ERA is 1.3 points lower than Pelfrey.
Joba’s WHIP is .2 lower than Pelfrey.
Joba has 20 more K’s in 45 less innings.
Joba just owned the Red Sox.
Joba was converted to a starter after every bitch in sports media said it was the wrong move.

Throw all that away; Yankees fans are excited for Joba because of…his unusual nickname?

Sports journalism at it’s finest.

If you're Brian Cashman, you have to make the trade he just made with the Pirates, no questions asked.

But there has never been a single time when the Yankees have traded prospects when we didn't hear that it was the greatest trade ever

So every time the Yankees have traded prospects, it was considered the greatest trade ever?

Typical Lupica: blowing things out of proportion to prove his point.

and the prospects they sent off to a team like the Pirates really didn't matter in the whole grand scheme of things.

Cashman quote : “We ended up paying a pretty steep price in terms of four useful players. But the deal makes a lot of sense for us on several levels.”

Never a single time, right Mike?

Fucking asshole.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

This Week's Load Of Crap

I skipped Lupica's dumb column about Brett Favre and went straight for the blurbs...

I loved the All-Star Game the other night, from the Hall of Famers on the field, to George Steinbrenner on the field, to Michael Young's sac fly.

So I guess all that hype you complained about last week was all for nothing?

I ended up sitting in the stands for the last half of it,

Because security wouldn’t let you sit there for the first half?

stayed to the end,

Let’s hear it for Mike Lupica – he actually left his New Canaan house to witness a sporting event in person, and he stayed for the entire game!

I mean, wow.

and had as much fun watching it play out as I've had watching any All-Star Game in any sport.

Did you sit on Wilpon’s lap during the game?

Everybody always seemed to have the bases loaded and there were about four different times when you were sure it was over.

Only then it wasn't, and they played on.

Amazing how sports works like that – you never know how it will end.

Thanks for finally getting up to speed, Mike.

Tell you what, though: I wish I could have been with the commissioner of all baseball, my friend Mr. Selig,

It’s good to know that you aren’t above name-dropping at this point in your career.

Come to think of it, at your height, you aren’t really above anything, are you?

when his home plate umpire called Dioner Navarro out when he was clearly safe, and the game should have ended right there.

That might have been kind of neat.

Neat? Of all the adjectives the Midget of Media could have used, he went with “neat”.

What a dork.

Can somebody explain to me why there is this constant panic rush to write off the 2008 Yankees, who aren't just in the running for a wild card, but to still win the AL East?

Yes, Mike Lupica really wrote this.

It’s like when Dwight Gooden was doing those “Just Say No To Drugs” commercials in the ‘80s while snorting lines between takes.

I think it's sort of official that you're going to see me coming out of the bullpen for the Mets before El Duque does.

Considering when Wilpon says “jump,” you always respond with “how high?”

Actually, replace “jump” and “how high” with “swallow” and “how much.”

I do love it when the Yankees act surprised, and sometimes nearly get the vapors, when aging players start to break down on them.

You mean like El Duque, Pedro Martinez and Felipe Alou?

One more time, for those of you (Lupica) who haven’t been paying attention:

Yankees = 8th oldest team in the league.

Mets = 3rd oldest team in the league.

As always, the I-Team at this paper finds it pretty darn special when it breaks a story like the one it did this week about Kirk Radomski shipping HGH to Roger Clemens' house and then seeing the same news presented as breaking news somewhere else.

Coming from a guy who has never ONCE broken a story, yet will dwell on a topic until the end of time as if it was his own.

How quickly Lupica forgot the reason why Lisa Olsen quit.

Jonathan Papelbon may need a filter on his mouth sometimes, and will never be the darling of Yankee fans, but if there is one thing the young man is not, it is overrated.

Why single out Yankee fans?

The guy is a great pitcher, but he seems to love coming across as a total douche. You don’t have to be a Yankee fan to see this.

No wonder you are standing up for him – he’s your kind of guy!

No matter how much Yankee Stadium sang that to him the other night.

When a guy starts talking about being better than another player, when he clearly is not, then he is overrating himself.

So fuck you.

I'll be off for a week or so working on my second serve.

Second serving of what, “Load ala Wilpon?”

See you in August.

You’ll be missed.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Transcript of Lupicunt's Conversation with Yankee Stadium Security!!

With a little digging, I managed to find an exact transcript of Mike Lupica's conversation with Yankee Stadium Security during the All Star Game, as he tried, unsuccessfully, to enter the lower boxes.

Lupica: Hi... I'm Mike Lupica from the Daily News!
Security Guard #1: What? Did somebody say something?
Security Guard #2: I heard it too! Where did it come from?
Lupica: HEY!! I'm down here you sons of bitches!!!!

SG#1: Oh, what can I do for you little boy? Did you lose your daddy?
Lupica: I'm Mike Lupica from the Daily News! I want to go to my seat!!
SG#2: Lupica, Lupica... hmm... you're not on the list, and frankly, I've never heard of you.
Lupica: That's... that's impossible!!! I'm the author of the New York Times Best Selling book, "Heat!"

SG#1: I thought you just said you wrote for the Daily News!! Which one is it little fella?
Lupica: It's both!! It's both!! I write books too!!
SG#2: Hey! I've been working here for 10 years! If you're a member of the press, how come I've never seen you before?
Lupica: Because I've been covering New York sports for over 30 years!! I don't NEED to come to games any more!! Because I've already SEEN everything!!!

SG#1: I still don't know who he is.
SG#2: Me neither, lets test him. Hey short fry... if you're a baseball journalist, tell me something about the Yankees!
Lupica: Their payroll is $200 Million Dollars!!
SG#1: No no, tell me something about somebody on the team!
Lupica: Jason Giambi took steroids!! And so did Andy Pettitte!!
SG#2: Everybody knows that, those are old stories. Tell me something current!!!
Lupica: Umm... A-Rod is having sex with Madonna!!!
SG#1: This guy sounds like a paparazzo.
SG#2: Yeah, hey little guy. I'm sorry, but we can't let you in here. You need to leave.

Lupica: Umm... could you check the list again? Maybe my name is misspelled. It's Lupica. A... L... B... O... M. First name is Mitch.

SG#1: Ohhhh! Mitch Albom, sure, why didn't you just say so. Go right ahead sir.
Lupica: Oh God Dammit...

Stadium Security To Be Ripped on The Sports Reporters!!

You've seen what happened to poor Mike Lupica at the All Star Game... and if not, check out the post before this one. Thanks to Deadspin for the coverage!!

Yankee Stadium Security wouldn't let poor little Mike into the lower level boxes. We hear that they tried to escort him to the handicap seats actually.

Here's a list of the top 10 things Mike Lupica most likely said while arguing with security:

10) You wouldn't be doing this if I were Carl Pavano!!!
9) Come on man!! I'll stand on my seat so you don't even have to find a phone book for me to sit on!!
8) Andy Pettitte!!! Erm.. umm.. ROGER CLEMENS!!! Ermm... HILLARY CLINTON!!! Ack.. Jason Giambi!!!!
7) You know... I have a lot of friends who are Yankees fans!!!!
6) Alright, I'm sorry I wrote all that nasty stuff about the Yankees!! There!! That's a better apology than Giambi's!!
5) My man Barack Obama won't stand for this when he's president!!!
4) Come on man... I'll suck your dick! I'm good!! Just ask Jose Reyes!!!
3) I swear to God... I'll claim to have had sex with A-Rod if you don't let me in!!!
2) De plane, boss!! De plane!!!!! (Click the link to get this joke)

And... the number #1 most likely Lupi-quote from the All-Star Game.

1) Don't you know who I am!? This will remind you... The Yankees Payroll is $200 Million Dollars!!

"Do You Know Who I Am!?"

Check out Deadspin, where someone busted Lupica trying to get past security at Yankee Stadium...

"i was sitting by the entrance to the concourse in the lower level and i hear someone screaming at security so turn to look up the tunnel. It's Mike Lupica and he wasn't being given access to get to the lower field box level so he decided to throw a fit...he pulled a, "do you know who i am" to the guards and ultimately got nowhere, but it was easily an enjoyable moment watching his face turn bright red and freak out during the game..."


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Mike Lupica vs. Peter Abraham

Here are two different versions of how the crowd reacted when George Steinbrenner appeared on the field at the All Star game...you guess who wrote what...

Here's the first description...

There was Steinbrenner's name on the message board, and this low, steady cheer that followed the golf cart toward the infield at Yankee Stadium.

This was not close to the explosion of noise, the familiar clap of thunder, that Derek Jeter heard when he was introduced Tuesday night, or even what Alex Rodriguez heard when he ran to third base to stand with Brooks Robinson and Mike Schmidt.

And here's the other...

After dozens of ovations, the loudest cheers were left for George Steinbrenner last night.

The 78-year-old owner of the Yankees, sobbing as he rode a golf cart in from left field, delivered the ball to the mound for the ceremonial first pitch before the All-Star Game.

Manuel's Guys Not Half Bad!

I'm just trying to catch up on some bullshit the dopey midget wrote last week.

There is a season now at Shea where there wasn't one a month ago,

That's news to me; I actually thought the season started three months ago.

a small stretch of baseball that has them looking better than they have since we thought they had put the Phillies away last September.

I see - there is a Mets season now because they had a small stretch of victories.

All season long, David Wright has said that the thing that could turn everything - and everybody - around is a nine-game winning streak. The Mets at least have a chance at one now, their last three games before the All-Star break, if they can finish strong against the Rockies, if they don't go into the premature victory lap we have seen from them before, the premature strut.

The only thing premature is how you determine the fates of teams based on records before the fucking All Star break.

You wrote off the 2007 Yankees in June and you are sizing rings for the 2008 Mets in July.

Great job, retard.

It is why the new manager called a team meeting before the Giants series and maybe should call one before they play the Rockies Friday night.

What should Manuel do when the Mets play a team that isn't 15 games under .500?

"They're good players right now," Jerry Manuel said when it was over Thursday and they had swept the Giants, on a day when everybody in the ballpark except John Maine seemed to realize that the Giants just wanted to lose one more game and get out of Shea for good.

They are good players right now?

What a perfect time for Lupica to pull out the Mets $140 million payroll.

Haha oh you know me, I'm just kidding.

And not holding my breath.

The Mets are 14-9 now under Manuel, a good manager and a good man worth rooting for,

Isn't this the guy who referred to Reyes as a "she" more than once? And who also said he would stab him?

He'll be a good manager - until September.

one who had nothing to do with the way the previous manager got fired.

Manuel didn't pull the trigger on Randolph? Thanks for the newsflash!

They are a game behind the Phillies in the loss column. They have won six in a row. They got more big swings Thursday from Fernando Tatis


The Mets got that amazing game the next night, 10-9, hanging on for dear life at the end after being ahead 10-1.

If by "amazing" you mean "one hit away from being their worst loss this season", then I completely agree.

Manuel, a grownup, was asked about Tatis' recent play, which means the guy going 11-for-22 in his last five games, with three home runs and eight RBI. The new manager smiled.

"He makes me look smart," Jerry Manuel said.

Um, thanks for clarifying that Manuel is a grownup.

Of course they're not in the clear, whomever is managing them. They're the Mets and things happen to them.

So when they lose, it's not about shitty playing; things just "happen."

When the Yankees lose, it's about payroll, their owner, their GM, ARod marital problems…

Not like they happen to Mr. Fun, Alex Rodriguez. But things do happen.

Mr. Fun, meet Mr. Predictable.

Now the Mets have to make sure they finish the traditional first half of it right.

Why? There is half a season to go.

Whatever, Lupica. You are such a hack.

Just For The Record...

I tried, but I couldn't let this one go. This is from Lupica's Sunday Shooting from the Lip... and my buddy Fafa already mentioned it. Just wanted to point out some things.

Brett Gardner might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Bubba Crosby.

Crosby was 27 years old when he came to the Yankees with Scott Proctor in exchange for.... the 400 year old mummified corpse of Robin Ventura. A fourth outfielder, and a decent bullpen arm... in exchange for a third baseman's dead body.

Here's Bubba's career line in the minors: .277/.342/.417 with 48 homers and 107 steals over parts of 10 seasons.

And here are Brett Gardner's numbers: .288/.388/.385 with 9 homers and 150 steals over 4 parts of 4 seasons.

Gardner is 24 years old. He's extremely patient at the plate. He has blazing speed, as shown by his 34 stolen bases in 80 games at AAA. He's a plus-defensive player with outstanding range. Offensively, he's a slap-hitter. He has no illusions about hitting the ball out of the park. He doesn't have "developing power." He's a prototypical lead-off hitter.

Bubba Crosby didn't have great speed. He didn't have power. He had poor plate vision. He was a completely different player... and he was basically a throw-in.

The problem isn't that there's ANY similarity between these two players.

The problem is that Mike Lupica REALLY BELIEVED that Brian Cashman was comfortable with starting the 2006 season with Crosby in CF. This was NEVER the case. Cashman took that stance in an attempt to drive down the prices of viable CFs in trade and in free agency.

Yes, we're paying Damon $13 Million a year... if you remember correctly, he was originally looking for $15 Million a year, and 5 years.

There is NO reasonable comparison between Gardner and Crosby.

Am I saying that Gardner is a lock? No. Am I guaranteeing that he's a great player? No. But regardless, he's absolutely nothing like Crosby.

Comparing them is sort of like saying...

David Wright might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Ty Wiggington.

Jose Reyes might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be a cross-dressing Polynesian midget on stilts!

Mike Pelfrey might turn out to be an ace, and he might turn out to be an alien space ship inhabited by Eddie Murphy!!!

Or my personal favorite...

Joe Smith might turn out to be a closer, and he might turn out to be a squirrel with a light saber!!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Shooting From The Lip

Sorry this is late. Well, not really.

This week's worthless article is about tennis.

I mean, really, who gives a shit.

The only sports "experts" in this town who have a hard on for tennis are Lupica and Chris Russo. What the fuck does that tell you?

Let's get right to the bullshit.

The worst possible news for A-Rod was Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook settling.

This is a sports columnist writing this.


I'm wondering if all the people who thought it was cool for John McEnroe to hug Roger Federer after the Wimbledon final would have had the same reaction if a woman had done the exact same thing?

I know it would have been a serious let down for Lupica.

The other Reyes - Argenis - has covered more ground in a week than Luis Castillo did the whole last month he was at second.


When the Yankees gave Jorge Posada all that money last winter - how long did he think he was going to be their catcher at his age?

And if they saw him as a future DH, don't you sort of think they have enough of those already?

Because Giambi, Matsui and Damon all have contracts with the Yankees for the next fifty years.

When do the position players start jumping off the assembly line from this crackerjack Yankee farm system?

You mean guys like Cano and Cabrera?

Reality check - take a look at the farm system for that team over in Shea, if they even have a farm system.

David Wright should have been an All-Star on the first ballot.

I guess Lupica is trying to say that David Wright is having a better season than Chipper Jones.

David Wright stats:

94 games.
282 batting average
.380 OBP
.499 SLG
OPS+ 134

Chipper Jones stats:

83 games
.376 batting average
.472 OBP
.614 SLG
OPS+ 189

Is this some sort of joke? How does Lupica justify his stupid statement?

There are teams in the league other than the Mets, you tool.

Fucking sports expert, my ass.

It is probably just one of those crazy coincidences you get in life sometimes that after a week of getting banged around on the front page, A-Rod decided it was time for his little girls to make a road trip.

More ARod personal issues bullshit! Yay!

And by the way?
If you really are hanging around with John Rocker castoffs, you really do have to take a long look at where your love life is.

Please, you would give your undersized left nut to get a piece of anything that Rocker or ARod used up and threw away.

Other than the fact their leftovers are female.

Your loss, Lupica.

When the Mets took the lead from 5-3 to 7-3 against the Giants on Thursday afternoon, my friend Dan Graziano from the Star-Ledger said they were just trying to "Wagner proof" the game.

Mike, you are allowed to say bad things about the Mets; you don't have to quote someone else. I guess you don't want to upset the guys in your circle jerk club.

You know… Reyes, Wright, Wagner, Wilpon, Minaya, etc…

Joe Torre must like managing in a place where if you just hang around .500 and first place, they treat you like your number ought to be retired.

Wow, kind of like how you write articles on the Mets?

If somebody had told you a month ago that Carlos Delgado would have the numbers he has right now, and hit some home runs where he's hit them, tell me you wouldn't have signed for that deal on the spot.

Like I was saying?

When Hank Steinbrenner starts going on and on - and on - about the Red Sox not having any kind of national following, you do want to suggest he get out of the office a little more.

Coming from a guy who reports on Knicks games from his house in Connecticut.

Brett Gardner might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Bubba Crosby.

Master Of The Obvious strikes again!

Question No. 1 about Jason Giambi: When did he decide he was going good enough to start talking about himself in the third person?

When did this happen? I missed it.

Question No. 2: In light of the whole thong story, when you heard him talking about "The Big G," didn't you think he meant a G-string?


Another great article.

About things other than sports.

Thanks, Mike. Another paycheck well earned.

Lupica Tries (And Fails) To Get In Rivera's Pants

So the All Star game is finally upon us, and Lupica takes the opportunity to shit on the occasion, and to praise the only real closer in this town - Mariano Rivera.

We will make this more than it is this week at Yankee Stadium,

Three reasons why Lupica is annoyed by the All Star game getting overhyped:

1. It's a feel good story
2. It's actually about sports
3. It doesn’t involve ARod and Madonna

the last All-Star Game in the place, maybe the last great baseball occasion in the place if the Yankees don't find a way to make the playoffs this season.

By my calculations, there are at least 32 more great baseball occasions scheduled in Yankee Stadium - they are called games.

All the way until the last out Tuesday night, we will hype this up as if it were the Super Bowl of All-Star Games, or the Olympics, because it is the Stadium and it is the Yankees and it is New York and it is, after all, what we do here.

Considering most All Star games take place in new stadiums, it will be a refreshing change to hype up the stadium due to all its history.

We will, to the end, continue to call this The House That Ruth Built, even though it is not, it is not Babe Ruth's Yankee Stadium, not the one he saw from home plate or Joe DiMaggio saw or Yogi or The Mick.

Wrong. It is the same stadium. A facelift does not mean its not the same stadium. It's like when you wear lifts in your shoes - you may look different, but you are still the same asshole.

But there is one player who will participate in this game Tuesday night who does not have to be hyped up as he stands with one last collection of baseball stars and the baseball ghosts of this Stadium and the one before it that Derek Jeter is always talking about. And that player is No. 42 of the Yankees, the last player to wear Jackie Robinson's number in baseball:

Mariano Rivera.


Well it certainly isn't Billy Wagner.

Fuck, Joes Reyes wasn’t even invited.

The beauty of baseball and the beauty of sports is that there is always a debate about this giant of the sport or that.

Or who is hanging out with Madonna.

Some will say that Ruth will always be the biggest player of them all, has to be, just because of the distance he put between himself and the rest of the field when he seemed to invent the home run in baseball at the same time he was inventing the Yankees.

Until someone can overpower the league with their hitting as well as their pitching, it will be Ruth. It was stupid for you to even compare Rivera to Ruth.

But there will be others who say that the best player of them all was the great Henry Aaron or Willie Mays and maybe someday - if he ends up getting enough rest to hit 800 home runs - some will say that Alex Rodriguez, Mr. Fun, was the best ballplayer of them all.

Mr. Fun?

As in, "opposite of Mike Lupica"?

Nevermind; that would be "Mr. Tall".

God forbid Lupica writes an article without taking a swipe at ARod.

He hasn't always been perfect,

Now Lupica is gonna remind us of Rivera's fuck ups? Gee, no one saw that coming.

because no one is, so there was the night when Sandy Alomar Jr. beat him in a game in the first round and helped knock the Yankees out and there was the bottom of the ninth in Game 7 against the Diamondbacks and there was the worst night of all, for him and his team, when he couldn't get the last three outs he needed against the Red Sox, Game 4 of '04, and keep the Red Sox down against the Yankees, where they had always been.

How is blowing game 4 in the 2004 in the ALCS, with a 3 games to 1 lead, worse than blowing game 7 in the 2001 world series?

Jeez, we still had 3 more chances in 2004; in 2001, that was it.

It does not change his standing, or his rank.

But, just for shits and giggles, Lupica had to bring it up anyway.

When he does come through the bullpen doors tomorrow night, whenever they play "Enter Sandman," when the place goes wild for him once more, understand something:
In this Yankee Stadium, in the rebuilt Stadium and not the one Ruth built,

Did I forget to mention that Ruth didn't build this version of the stadium?

He didn't really build the first version of it either; it was…laborers!!!

the man running toward the pitching mound is the greatest Yankee of them all.

I really feel Lupica wrote this to set fans up for a big let down, with Mike keeping his fingers crossed that Rivera would blow the lead.

Too bad it was Crapplebon and Wagner who both contracted a bad case of SUCK during the game last night.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Bobby Murcer 1946 - 2008

You were awesome, Bobby.

You will be sorely missed.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Enough-Lupica's 100th Post!!! What Have We Learned?

Yes, you read correctly. This is our 100th post at enough-lupica.com, and that cross-eyed, vertically-challenged lawn gnome still works for the Daily News. I just want to say that I officially consider this blog a failure, and I hope you all die. Okay, okay... I'm totally kidding.

What better way to celebrate 100 posts on this blog than to recap what we've learned over the last 100 entries? And what better way to do that, than to use Mike Lupica's article in today's Daily News as a basis for our research?

(For regular Lupica readers, let me explain what 'research' means. It means that we're going to look through a set of information, compare and contrast it against other pertinent information, and draw logical conclusions based on the results. In other words, something Mike hasn't done in at least 12 years.)

The Red Sox's lead over the Yankees was in double figures at this time last year, and this time last year there was no other team in their division for them to worry about.

A simple search at ESPN.com reveals the following. As of July 7, 2007... the Yankees were 9.5 games behind the Boston Red Sox. The Toronto Blue Jays were exactly 10.0 games back. By Mike Lupica's infallible logic, they were very much in the Yankees rear-view mirror. What's my point? Yes Mr. Lupica... there WAS another team in their division to worry about. The team in Toronto. It took me a grand total of 11 seconds to research this fact and give it to my readership... but you obviously have no use for facts.

The Yankees nearly came all the way back.

After you pronounced them dead several times, Mr. Best Sports Journalist in New York.

This Yankee team is wounded, and not nearly as good.

Reasons why the Yankees were better in 2007: Doug Mientkiewicz, Andy Phillips, Miguel Cairo, Josh Phelps, Wil Nieves, 12 starts from Kei Igawa, Roger Clemens, Luis Vizcaino, Scott Proctor, Ron Villone.

Reasons why Mike Lupica's statement is retarded: Joba Chamberlain, Cano's Annual Post-June Tear, Mussina's resurgence, Giambi's resurgence, Kei Igawa has only thrown 4 innings, A-Rod is heating up, Posada missed like 40 games, despite losing our best pitcher we're still surging and likely to get help within the next 3 weeks.

It is still good enough to beat the Red Sox, off what we are seeing from the Red Sox lately.

Nice veiled shot here. Vintage Lupica. Backhanded compliments. Translation: The Sox are playing like shit lately, so I guess the Yankees can probably catch them. Funny that he never mentions that the Mets play in the second-worst division in baseball.

Damon is right, because even though the Rays lost yesterday, they still have the Yankees by nine in the loss column.

Which is a nice way of exaggerating the fact that the Yankees are 8.5 games back. It's a presumption that the Rays will win their next game. The only time a normal, credible journalist pays attention to "the loss column" is during the last 2 weeks of a season. Our boy LupiCunt does it for effect.

But if last year's Yankees could make the kind of second-half run they did on a Red Sox team good enough to win it all, this year's Yankees can make a run at the Rays, starting tonight.

Again, typical LuPRICKa. He shits on a team for two paragraphs, then throws them a fucking carrot. This team's not as good as last year, and I guess they can make a run at the Sox because they're playing like shit.... but if they could make a run at those AMAZING AWESOME WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CALIBER RED SOX... then I guess they can try to catch the Rays. Fuck you and everything you stand for, Mike Lupica.

We don't know how Joe Girardi manages in an American League East race, if his team can stay in it.

Yeah, we don't know how Joe Girardi manages in an AL East Race!! He might get the shakes, ban coffee in the clubhouse and put Bobby Abreu on an IV of Ice Cream! He might bat Dan Giese in the leadoff spot!! He might decide to call up Kei Igawa to counteract the shortage of SUCK in the bullpen... I mean, since Billy Wagner's probably unavailable.

And we don't know if Brian Cashman, who didn't want Johan Santana, can get the Yankees the kind of pitching help they need, which means more than Sidney Ponson.

1) Yes Mike, we get it. He didn't want Santana. You remind us in every article. How's Santana doing in that intense NL East Race? What? He's 7-7? And his strikeouts are down? And he already looks like he regrets signing that extension across town? Because he feels like he's pitching for the Ringling Brothers team? And the coach mugged him at knife-point in the shower?

2) Yeah, we got Ponson. He was free. At his best, he's a league-average pitcher who gives you a lot of innings. Lets look at what another local team's done to patch together their woeful pitching staff. Nelson Figueroa, Claudio Vargas and Tony Armas. That crazy Omar Minaya has obviously outfoxed Cashman again.

The Yankees have enough to make their run with just a little pitching help.

Oh, you mean like when 2/5ths of our projected starting rotation for the year comes off the DL in a few weeks? Yeah... Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy are still living, breathing humans. They didn't die.

They have enough to make a run if Derek Jeter produces the way he is supposed to, if Robinson Cano, who busted up Sunday night's game with a triple and then scored the winning run in the bottom of the 10th, hits the way he is supposed to.

Cano during the 1st half (Career): .283/.316/.420, 22 HR, 133 RBI
Cano during the 2nd half (Career): .334/.366/.540, 32 HR, 141 RBI (in 400+ less PAs)

Jeter is having what would be the worst year of his career. Statistically speaking, he's one of the most consistent players in baseball history.

So lets all take a moment to congratulate Mike Lupica on these BOLD predictions. Cano has to hit better in the second half... LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES... LIKE HE'S ALREADY BEGUN DOING (19 for his last 50, which amounts to hitting .380.) And Jeter needs to improve... LIKE HE'S STATISTICALLY ALMOST FUCKING GUARANTEED TO DO BASED ON 13 SEASONS OF DATA!!!!!!!

And they can make their run, hang in there with the Red Sox and Rays, if Alex Rodriguez finally starts carrying the team the way he did at the start of last season and the way he is supposed to.

And here's what it always comes down to. A-Rod is supposed to play full-seasons like they're April 2007. That's where the Lupi-bar is set for A-Rod. Anything less than .355/.415/.882 with 14 homers and 34 RBI in a month is unacceptable from A-Rod.

Never mind the fact that you're asking the guy to hit 98 homers and drive in 239 runs. He makes a lot of money!! That's what's EXPECTED OF HIM!!!

When a team isn't scoring enough, isn't getting runners home,

It's probably the collective fault of the entire lineup, especially when you're talking about the Yankees. Damon, Jeter, Abreu, Cano, Giambi, Posada... these guys are supposed to be a Murderers Row... so you should blame them all when you're not scoring runs, right?

that is when the biggest run producer in baseball and the guy being paid the most to have the biggest stick (on the field) is supposed to be at his best, and hitting .253 with runners in scoring position shouldn't be his best.

Jesus H. Christ! By the way, the H. actually stands for 'Hfucking.' Jesus Hfucking Christ!!!

1) A-Rod is 19/75 with RSIP this year, with 17 BB. If he had hit 4 extra singles, he'd be 23/75 and batting .307 with RSIP. Are you telling me that those 4 singles are the reason we're not leading the AL East by 5 games?

2) With RSIP and 2 Outs, here's A-Rod's line - .219/.444/.500 with 12 BB (5 IBB). 7/32 with 12 walks... so maybe it has SOMETHING to do with the fact that teams DON'T PITCH TO HIM!!! When he draws walks, he's un-clutch. When he makes outs, he's un-clutch. So what the fuck do you want him to do when a pitcher doesn't throw strikes!? You want him to hit a pitch that's a foot off the plate 500 feet to dead center?!

Giambi's batting .189 with RSIP. Why not mention that? Isn't he making more money than the Florida Marlins this year? Why is it always A-Rod?

People will put up with almost anything from their sports stars, even the kind of low-rent, high-profile, gag-me publicity A-Rod is getting these days, as long as they produce.

For the umpteenth time, nobody cares about A-Rod's marriage. Nobody gives a shit about his feud with Jeter. Nobody minds if he tans in Central Park or plays Poker!! Babe Ruth played here for Chrissake!! His daily regimen involved a dozen hot dogs, seven hookers and a gallon of grain whiskey!!! And don't get me started on Mickey Mantle! We don't fucking care as long as he hits!! He's batting .323 with 18 homers and 50 RBI in 69 games!!!! Yankee fans couldn't give a shit less if he was fucking Pope Benedict spread eagle on the Vatican steps!!!!

A-Rod comes into the Rays series hitting .323, with 18 home runs and 50 RBI, despite missing more games than he usually does.

That's what I just said... how can you possibly fuck this up?

But it shows you where the bar is with Madonna's bad kaballah guy that it hasn't looked or felt or seemed like nearly enough.

The bar is down the block from your office. You go there and get shitfaced with the midget from the Bacardi & Diet Cola commercials, and then you torment me with these terrible fucking articles!!! We don't care if he fucks Madonna. Frankly, some of us hope there's a sex tape involved. (Hey A-Rod, if you're reading this, think about it... we could make a killing! You'd make back all the money from the divorce!! Call me!!)

I felt like he won his MVP award over the first half of the season, when there were all those days and nights when it seemed as if he were all the Yankees had.

Another vintage Lupica tactic. Opinion. I felt like... I thought. Hey Lupica, when we want your opinion, we'll take our dicks out of your mouth... mmkay?

Everything with Lupica is his opinion... or a baseless comparison to something that already happened. Research is never involved, even in the slightest.

But ask Yankee fans about A-Rod's season so far, and what they want to talk about is moments like the one in Friday's game, when he had the chance to bring his team back and grounded into a force play against Manny Delcarmen with the bases loaded.

What Yankee fans are you asking? Your friends? If Mike Lupica tried to ask a Yankee fan for ANYTHING, he'd be beaten within inches of his life. So how could he possibly know what's on our minds? Which brings me to another point...


Nobody on the team talks to him. The fans are loathe to him. He obviously isn't nearly as interested in covering the team as he is in his Reality TV or his Liberal Politics. He's completely out of touch with his readers. Why has this man not been fired yet? Or reassigned? Or banished to the snake fields of Zimbabwe?

You know who hasn't underproduced, even though he's been slumping again lately? Giambi. He has pretty much the same power numbers as A-Rod, and it seems like he has provided a lot more important swings.

Again... it SEEMS LIKE! Which is why it's unwise to evaluate baseball players based on your gut, or what it feels like, or seems like... or what you think. I just pointed out the fact that Jason Giambi has batted .189 with Runners in Scoring Position. Personally, I assign very little weight to the stat... however... it was Mike Lupica's basis for CRUCIFYING A-ROD.

It took me 7.4 seconds to research this stat. And this proves, completely, that Mike Lupica has done absolutely NO research. Maybe the reason it SEEMS like Giambi's gotten more big hits... is because he didn't MISS TWENTY GAMES WITH A QUAD INJURY!!! Maybe? Possible?

And Manny looked like he didn't care on Sunday night when he took three straight strikes from Mo Rivera, in a disgraceful at-bat.

A fucking day ago, this guy was giving us the pitch-by-pitch and raving about how dominant Rivera was. No chance!! Oh my goodness gracious!! Golly golly gumdrops!!! Now it's all because Manny didn't care! Disgraceful! Awful!! Horrible!! Anybody could have struck Manny out!! Jose Canseco could trotted out and thrown 3 knuckleballs past him!!! And then floated away like the Good-Year Blimp with his HGH muscles!!

But lets get to the conclusion.

The Yankees aren't as good as they used to be.

Based on what Mike Lupica sees and feels... which also tells him that Jason Giambi has been carrying the Yankees with his .189 BA with RSIP!! And A-Rod's been killing them with his shitty 18 homers in 69 games.

I can't honestly tell you what's been learned after 100 posts here. I can tell you one thing that we HAVEN'T learned. How to get this little cum-guzzler fired. We need to study. And just for the hell of it... here's some more Vintage Lupica!

In the words of Howard Cosell, I'm just telling it like it is.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Journalism 101! Lupica's Taking Us To School!

Today's journalistic tool is: Exaggeration!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, you can make anything feel like game 7 of the World Series if you just exaggerate every detail of it! You can create urgency where there really isn't any, and capture the hearts and minds of your readers!! Case in point, this article.

This was the way the season was supposed to feel, and a lot sooner than the bottom of the 10th on a Sunday night against the Red Sox, at the end of a long baseball night, at the end of a long Fourth of July weekend of baseball.

Ahhh yes! The way it's supposed to feel!! What? Exciting? It's a 162 game season. It's a marathon, not a sprint. This game was no bigger than the one before it, or the one after it. Although it's nice that you were able to tune in Mr. Lupica. I'm sure actually watching a baseball game must have interfered with your viewing of "I Love Money" on VH1. That's that new reality show with a bunch of losers who failed at dating Brett Michaels, Flavor Flav, and some chick who looks like Divine Brown (You know, the chick Hugh Grant paid for sex.)

There were supposed to be plenty of nights like this, just not because of a dirty uniform out of Holly Hill, South Carolina named Brett Gardner.

There have been plenty of nights like this. You'd know if you actually watched baseball. But again, it's a lonnnnnng season, sort of like one of your run-on sentences, that goes on, and on, and on, and... Zzzzzzz... umm... what was I saying?

Not because of an at-bat by the new kid at the top of the order that lasted eight pitches and felt like it lasted 80 in the bottom of the 10th.

Oh yeah? A new kid? Where'd he come from? Ohhh, that's right. He's one of those shitty, butt-fucking "Yankee Prospects" that you ripped into YESTERDAY!!! Remember that joke? About how the Brewers got Sabathia? Because they have REAL prospects? Not YANKEE prospects? HAHAHA!! Funny joke.

Aside from that, notice the literary device at work here. Eight pitches... and felt like 80!! Such urgency, such importance!! And yet the meaning is completely lost when you think about it. An 80 pitch at bat would take about 2 hours. Bottom line is... Gardner did good. He worked the count... just like the guys in the minors said he would. He fouled off some tough balls... just like the guys in the minors said he would. And he got on base... just like his .990 OBP in the minors said he would. I think his OBP in the minors was .990, I'm pretty sure, so lets go with .990.

The Yankees had not gotten any closer to the Tampa Bay Rays, not really, had not fixed the back of their starting rotation, or scored all the runs they should have scored.

See? You thought this was going to be a feel-good story. It's not. Even after reading the whole article, the point is right here. The back of the rotation is still shitty. The offense underachieves and the Yankees are still like 72 games behind the Rays... so HA HA... FUCKING... HA... you bastards!! The Mets may completely suck, but they're right in the thick of the race in the NL Least... otherwise known as the second WORST division in baseball, trailing only the NL West.

Still: the place was as loud and happy as it has been all season, all because of Gardner had hung in there long enough, fouled off enough pitches, to beat one of the best closers in this world.

This is a meaningless fucking sentence. Everybody who closes for a major league team is "one of the best closers in the world." Armando Benitez was one of the best closers in the world for a time. Papelbon has blown 4 saves already this year. He blew 3 all of last year. If you took your mouth off his prick for five minutes, you'd know that Mike.

Here's my list of closers I'd want to get the last 3 outs of a big game for me. Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. Mariano Rivera, Joe Nathan, Francisco Rodriguez, Joakim Soria, Jonathan Papelbon, Brad Lidge, Bobby Jenks.

There you have it. He's 5th on the list. He's in the upper 17%. Big fucking deal.

It was supposed to be pretty good, the greatest closer of all time against one of the great righthanded hitters of all time. Except it was "no mas" from Manny of Washington Heights all the way.

Ahh... the greatest closer of all time. Now we're talking about Mo. But of all the obscure references to make in this at bat... "no mas"? This is a reference to the "No Mas Fight" otherwise known as Roberto Duran vs. Sugar Ray Leonard. Duran quit the fight, saying "No Mas" during in the eighth round.

The baseball equivalent of "No Mas" would be if Manny worked the count to 1-2, said "no mas" to the umpire, and then walked back to the dugout in mid-at bat. This reference makes no fucking sense, aside from the fact that Manny is a Latino. It's little more than a race-baiting reference. It's a poor attempt at wit that lacks any semblance of logic or sense in it's placement or usage.

Strike one, looking.
Strike two, looking.
Strike three.

Ramirez never took the bat off his shoulder

Well thank you for telling me that he never took the bat off his shoulder. Up until you clarified that, I was wondering what happened on strikes four and five of the at bat.

But then Wilson Betemit had no chance, none, against Papelbon, striking out.

And again, fundamental misunderstanding of the sport of baseball. According to his career stats, Wilson Betemit has a 32.8% chance of getting on base in ANY AT BAT, regardless of who the pitcher is. That means that Papelbon has a 67.2% chance of getting him out, which he did. To say that Betemit had NO CHANCE against the guy is just Lupica's way of trying to shit on a Yankee. Of course he had a chance. You've got a chance to win the lotto too... it's just not a very good one.

That kind of game at the Stadium. That kind of night. The kid who wasn't supposed to be here won one that wasn't supposed to ever feel this big.
And again Mike... I keep having to clarify this for you. Yankee history is not made in the first week of July. It's made in October. You know, October... the month of the year when you get to play golf with your friend Jose Reyes? It's the month that comes after September. You know which month September is, right?

It's the month that your favorite team's owner wants to play "meaningful games" in.

Shooting for the Blurbs...

Since Fafa already saved me the frustration of making statistical comparisons between Jeter and Jose Reyes and pointing out the obvious facts, that Jeter's on pace for well over 3,000 hits, has been a key member on 4 world championship teams, and will probably be the most unanimously voted first-ballot Hall of Famer in baseball history five years after he retires... I'm going to skip right to the blurbs. And boy, do we start with a bang.

You know why the Brewers can make a big play for C.C. Sabathia when they want to make a run?

Because they probably wanted to get him out of the AL? Because the Brewers offered several of the best prospects in their system, including a minor league outfielder who's hit 20 homers in less than half a year? Because it's still three weeks before the deadline and nobody else has really made any offers for Sabathia yet?

Because they have real prospects in their system, not Yankee prospects.

Or you could go with the crazy answer. I could comment on the quality of the "real prospects" that the Mets traded for Santana after Brian Cashman decided not to give up a bunch of those shitty "Yankee prospects." I could make fun of the fact that Santana's been in Queens for half a year, and already looks desperate to get the fuck out of there. I could even go through stats and point out the fact that players like Joba Chamberlain, Brett Gardner, Jose Tabata, Alan Horne, Andrew Brackman and Dellin Betances are, in fact, real, genuine article prospects who've come through the Yankee system, along with Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera over the last few years. Not to mention that Hughes and Kennedy aren't exactly busts just yet.

What has the Met system produced since Wright and Reyes? Joe Smith? Yup, a fucking side arming middle reliever. That's what the entire minor league system has given the Mutsies in the last 4+ years.

Back in the day, when Hugh Carey was the governor of New York and Jimmy Breslin nicknamed him Society Carey, Breslin also described Carey as "a dream character in dancing pumps."

Hugh Leo Carey was born on April 11, 1919. He was the Governor of New York (and yes, we capitalize titles out of respect for the people who hold/held them Mike. It's called journalism) from 1975 to 1982. You went at least 26 years into the past for this quote. What could possibly be so important about this quote as to make you dig so deep into the annals of your brain?

And that's sort of the way I think about Hank Steinbrenner now.

Of course. A veiled shot at Hank Steinbrenner. While we're at it, why don't you just make fun of his 78-year old, mostly infirmed father? Or maybe you can write a few articles about his sister's failed marriage, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? Mike Lupica is a classless piece of tabloid-writing shit who should be fired.

After Hank yelled about how the Yankees weren't hitting and they better start or else and then they put an 18-spot on the Rangers, Hank must have had to be tied down so he wouldn't float away.

Funny. Lets recollect some recent events.

Hank yelled about Mussina ---> Mussina turned his season around and has 11 wins already.
Hank yelled about hitting ---> Yankees score 18 runs the next day.

Lupica says "Mets need more guys like Wagner" ---> Since May 18th (when Lupica said this), Wagner's blown 5 saves.

Pre-Lupica Wagner: 17 IP, 9H, 0 ER, 9 saves, 1 blown save, 0.00 ERA.
Post-Lupica Wagner: 18 IP, 17H, 9 ER, 10 saves, 5 blown saves, 4.50 ERA.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Curse of Mike Lupica.

When I heard that the hotdog eating contest between Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi ended up in that tie and they had to go to a 5-dog overtime, I just assumed it was pretty much the same as penalty kicks in soccer.

I love the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest! I really do. Although I'm sure it's not for the same reason that Mike Lupica does. I'm fascinated by people with the ability to stuff like 30 pounds worth of food into their stomach in 12 minutes. Mike Lupica just likes watching men eat hot dogs. A lot.

If Jaromir Jagr were a baseball player, he'd probably say he'd signed with Avangard Omsk in Russia because of the school system there.

Or maybe he signed there because Glen Sather informed him that the club was moving on without him. And because that 36, he can make $5 million a year to play against lesser competition and not get his ass kicked for 82 games a year. It also might have to do with the fact that he played for Avangard Omsk when the NHL went on strike a few years ago. This wasn't so much about the money, as the fact that the Rangers told him to go. Why make him out to be the bad guy? He played his ass off in New York.

I guess my favorite headline in the whole slew of them with A-Rod was the one about how Madonna had "brainwashed" our third sacker.

Yup, there you have it. The favorite headline of the number 1 sports journalist in New York City is tabloid bullshit. Just for the record... I imagine that brainwashing went something like this:

Madonna: I'm loved by gay men all over the world... you're loved by gay men all over the world... that can't be a coincidence. Can it?
A-Rod: I never thought of it that way. We should move to Hollywood, have children and pray to Xenu together!!
Madonna: No no!!! Xenu is Scientology!! Scientology is for fucking wack-jobs and schizophrenics!! I'm into Kabbalah!
A-Rod: What's the difference?
Madonna: Kabbalah is like... well... it's like. Shit. It's Jewish Scientology, okay? You dick.

You know who is in a real tough spot if Brett Favre really does want to come back and play football this season?

The guy that writes for enough-lupica.com and placed bet $10,000 that Favre would stay retired?

The people running the Green Bay Packers are in a real tough spot.

I beg to differ. I think I'd be in a much tougher spot explaining how I lost TEN FUCKING GRAND on the dumbest bet I've made since betting that Ivan Drago would beat Rocky!!

Because they probably don't want to envision a world where he comes out of the tunnel at Lambeau Field wearing the colors of the Chicago Bears.

Hey Mike, listen. Fuck the Bears and fuck the Packers. I'm talking about ten thousand fucking dollars! I better not lose that money because some geriatric cock-sucker wants to take one last go of it. He rode off into the sunset. He better stay in the fucking sunset!!

It just shows you that you can never predict all the storylines for the Yankee season, unless of course you had kabbalah in the pool.

So Kabbalah tells the future? Great... I can track down Madonna and she can tell me what's gonna happen with this whole Favre thing, because I'm kind of worried that Big Tony's going to break my legs over some money.

(P.S. - No, I didn't REALLY bet any money on whether or not Favre would stay retired. I'm stupid, but not that stupid.)

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Another Love Letter To Reyes.

Jose Reyes has been playing with his head up his ass since last season and the media has been rightfully hammering him.

You knew sooner or later we would get this stupid article – Mike “Met Apologist” Lupica trying ease the pressure on his dopey broad boyfriend, Jose Reyes.

And yes, we have to endure this bullshit through Lupica comparing Reyes to Jeter, once again, having to compare Mets and Yankees to prove his point.

You know the way we roll here right now, because Jose Reyes is an easy target and so is his team.

This isn't about who is the most famous shortstop in town, or the one with the most rings, or the one who is the captain of the New York Yankees, or the one who makes almost as much money as any player in big-league history. This isn't about class or resume.

If this was about class and resume, there wouldn’t even be a column this week.

This is just about the baseball season being played and the way it is being played, as the All-Star break comes up fast, by the two shortstops in town, only one of whom ever catches a real beating.

Here’s a recent shitty article in the Daily News about Derek Jeter.

And here’s another.

Yep, Jeter never takes a beating from the media.

But which one of them is having a better year?

Jose Reyes has played 85 games. He has 361 at-bats, 63 runs, 106 hits, 21 doubles, 10 triples, 9 home runs, 38 RBI, 29 stolen bases, a .355 on-base percentage and a batting average of .294. In the field, he has those 12 errors.

Derek Jeter has played 81 games for the Yankees, has 323 at-bats, 48 runs scored, 91 hits, 16 doubles, 3 triples, 4 home runs, 36 RBI, 5 stolen bases, an on-base percentage of .345 and a batting average of .282. And seven errors.

Yes, it’s true: Reyes has better numbers this season, so far, than Jeter.

So why does Reyes get so more more grief than Jeter?

It’s not a mystery to anyone who has seen Reyes play at least two games this season.

Here’s why, Lupica:

Jeter = smart.
Reyes = dumb.

Jeter knows how to play the game smart, while Reyes often looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and it costs his team.

Please, his own manager refers to him as “she” and “her”. What the fuck does that tell you?

Lupica wonders why his boyfriend always gets the short end of the stick (not to be confused with the end of Lupica’s short stick), yet look at the laundry list of shittiness he writes about Reyes…

Again, this is stuff that LUPICA wrote about Reyes…

Reyes throws his glove

gets into it with announcers

did nothing the second half of last season when the Mets needed him more than they ever have

Reyes gets picked off bases

makes too many errors

the immature things he's done

the knothead plays he's made

he really did wander too far off base

tried to steal third base for no earthly reason.

He wrote all this shit, meanwhile he can’t figure out why Reyes gets slammed by the media.

Only one of them gets routinely blamed for doing everything but breaking up A-Rod's marriage.

Mike Lupica, premiere sports writer for the Daily News, kicking a guy as his marriage is falling apart.

Believe me, this is no attempt to get Reyes off the hook

HAHAHAhahaah BULLSHIT. You’ve been trying to get Reyes off the hook for the past year. It’s embarrassing.

So Lupicock writes about all of Reyes’ fuck ups, then says he’s not trying to get him off the hook, then he immediately takes Reyes off the hook with this…

Still: the storyline sometimes is that Reyes is the one to blame. He's not.

Let me get this straight: Reyes fucks up all the time, you aren’t trying to get him off the hook, yet he’s never to blame.

Can you say Met Apologist?

Yes, Reyes is fast, but he is dumb.

Just like Lupica’s wife.

Oh shit! I just knocked the guy’s marriage – can I be a premiere sports writer for the Daily News now?

For everything that has gone wrong this season for the Mets, they are four games out of first in the loss column. Jeter's team is 10.

Just to be clear – it has nothing to do with the Red Sox being great or the Rays being the best, or the NL East being a joke.

That’s right – the Yankees are 10 games out because Jeter sucks, and the Mets are only 4 games out because Lupica has wet dreams about Reyes.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Ding Dong, The Rivalry Is Dead

Red Sox coming for weekend, but rivalry with Yankees might be taking a holiday

Yes it's true. The Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, which has been considered the biggest rivalry in the history of american sports, is officially on hold.

Maybe it will still be a Yankee-Red Sox season in the American League East before it is over, the way it always has been in the past. Maybe they will fight it out for first place in September the way they usually do. Maybe the Rays aren't for real, as real and young and talented and hungry as they look these days, against the Red Sox and everybody else. Maybe. It is not just a Yankee-Red Sox season so far, even if they are about to play four against each other at the Stadium over the Fourth.

Maybe you can stop using the word "maybe" over and over. You don't need to be a sports journalist to know that any of these things can happen. But thanks for pointing them out, Master Of The Obvious.

You want to understand why things look a little different in the American League in the season that has been played so far? Start here: Start with a Yankee-Red Sox series in September of 1997, when the Yankees were in second place behind the Orioles, where they would stay until the end of that regular season. The Red Sox were nothing that year, running third in the AL East, a couple of games under .500, years away from John Henry and Larry Lucchino and Tom Werner getting the team and changing baseball in Boston and New York forever.

Apparently, forever only lasts eleven years, because, according to the midget sports genius, the rivalry is being put on hold for this weekend.

And why does that series from '97 matter and why should you care about it? Because according to the Elias Sports Bureau, which knows everything, it was the last time the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox played against each other this late in a season - after Memorial Day - and at least one of them wasn't in first place at the time.

So Lupica is saying that nothing has happened between these two teams since 1997 that could have upped the rivalry.

Let's see - Aaron Boone, Pedro, Roger Clemens,1999 ALCS, 2003 ALCS, 2004 ALCS, 2007, both teams finishing in first and second place 10 of the last eleven years, 3 rings for the Yankees, 2 for the Red Sox, the Red Sox breaking the curse…throw all that out the window. It's all worthless, because neither team is in first place the first week of July in 2008.

That's right - there will be plenty of empty seats in Yankee Stadium this weekend, because conversations like the following are taking place all over the tri-state area and in Red Sox Nation:

Fan #1: "Hey, do you want to go to the Yankees - Red Sox game this weekend?"

Fan #2: "Holy crap let's go!!! Oh, wait a minute..."

Fan #1: "What's the matter?"

Fan #2: (flipping through Lupica calendar) "Well, it's already July 3rd, and neither team is in first place. That's not much of a rivalry."

Fan #1: "Wow, you are right. This four game series is gonna suck. Why don't you come over tonight and we'll watch some horribly effeminate reality TV, like 'Dancing With The Stars'?"

Fan #2: "That sounds great!"

Fan #1: "Don't forget the lube!"

It is still the Yankees against the Red Sox for four over a holiday weekend, ending up with one of those ESPN games on Sunday night that both teams hate. There will probably be at least one four-hour game, and maybe some hard feelings because of all the guys who got thrown at the last time they played at the Stadium. But for the first time in a very long time, neither one of them leads the division at this time of year, neither one of them leads the conversation in baseball.

And that, my friends, is the brilliant conclusion that Lupishit has come to - neither team is in first place, therefore, the biggest rivalry in sports is officially put on hold until further notice.

Mike, you are such a scary talent.

Monday and Tuesday night the Yankees pitched and didn't hit. Wednesday night they hit like crazy, hit all game long, came from behind twice, scored nine runs in an inning, tried to make up with this one night all the bad nights of this season when they left everybody on base. Before they busted out Wednesday night, the whole thing had started to get older at Yankee Stadium than, well, Madonna.

Yesterday, Douche Bag Mike wrote a trashy tabloid article about ARod and Madonna that would make the paparazzi over at The Inquirer blush.

Today? Well, the Madonna story, according to Lupica, is getting old. One day after he "earned" his paycheck writing about it. What a hack.

It is still the Yankees and the Red Sox this weekend, still a very big deal. Just nobody in first place this time.

The premise of this article is this: The Yankees - Red Sox rivalry is on hold because neither team is in first place.

And Lupica sums it up by saying this: The Yankees - Red Sox rivalry is alive and well, despite neither team being in first place.

Make up your mind, you retarded dwarf.

To Resolve Confusion...

Sorry Lupica, the drama isn't all A-Rod's fault after all.

As you can see, Cynthia Rodriguez ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. Yup, that's right. C-Rod is frolicking about the city of lights with he of the Dr. Seuss lyrics and imposter-Hendrix poses.

So I guess that means that this is just your typical break-up. A-Rod and his wife are splitting up. Madonna and her husband are splitting up. A-Rod may or may not be giving the mushroom yogurt to Madge. And Cynthia Rodriguez may or may not be serving her taco to Lenny Kravitz.

Ultimately, the Yankees cranked out a season-high 18 runs yesterday. A-Rod homered again, giving him 17 on the year, despite the fact that he's missed a quarter of the games his team has played with his quad injury. He's doing his job, and his private life isn't really much of our business... although it'll be a little interesting to see him give Jeter a run for his money on the New York Celebrity Dating Circuit.

Welcome to the real world Mr. Lupica. Marriages end, people lie, true love doesn't always last forever, and sometimes the doctor is serious when he tells a seven year old boy that he'll never be as tall as his little sister.

P.S. - Adding a new tag, Rays Annual Late-July Choke. It's coming. Here's to hoping it's another fun tradition like the Sox Annual August Choke.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

More Bullshit Regarding This Worthless Article...

I know Mister Six already covered this Lupica article, but it pissed me off so much that I had to add my two cents.

The story about Rodriguez Tuesday really should have been about the time he spent with a cancer patient, an 18-year-old named John Challis he met last week in Pittsburgh.

This story was about the time ARod spent with John Challis. Cheap tabloid shit like ARod hanging with Madonna is so much more important to sports fans than ARod cheering up a terminally ill kid.

Nice priorities, Mike.

Challis was in New York with his dad Tuesday and Rodriguez ended up giving the young man a tour of his Manhattan apartment and then giving John Challis a ride with him to Yankee Stadium. But because he is A-Rod and sometimes he can't keep the genie in the bottle, so to speak, the paparazzi outside his apartment cared very little about John Challis and wanted to shout out questions only about Madonna.

Congratulations, Mike. You just compared yourself to grocery store tabloid gossip writers - you know, where failed sportswriters go to collect a paycheck.

Nice job, ass face.

Just because that is the world A-Rod lives in and the one we live in.

Sports fans live in a sports world and read the sports section for sports stories that sports columnists usually write about. Not only did you choose to write about a trash story, but you somehow got it past your editors to link ARod to steroids because he hung out with Madonna, a former girlfriend of steroid freak Jose Canseco.

This is the shit that you write about? What the fuck kind of sports writer are you?

We already know the answer to that - you fucking SUCK at writing about sports.

Madonna Is A Steroid Dealer

There's really no other explanation for this latest nugget of Lupica genius.

Cashman smiled. "There's some story going around today about him and Madonna. That's the drama."

Yup, that's the drama. Which is to say that this is really just the latest bullshit that the General Manager of the most famous baseball team on the planet has to address. People aren't asking Cashman about deadline trades. They're not asking about Joba's progression as a starter or Mussina's resurgence, or the fact that despite missing 20 games this year, A-Rod is only 3 homers behind Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore and Carlos Quentin's 19 for the league lead. Cashman's talking to you about Madonna.

Think about that. Think about how fucking ridiculous that is. That the private business of two adults requires commentary from Cashman because one of them happens to play for the Yankees. Could you ever, in a million fucking years, imagine someone asking Cashman about who's waxing Derek Jeter's carrot this week? Jessica Biel? Minka Kelly? Jessica Alba? Vanessa Minnillo? Maybe it's Adriana Lima or Jordana Brewster!!

Another thing... has anybody ever noticed that Jeter seems to have the "Good Luck Chuck" effect on women? Carey married Nick Cannon. Biel's all tight with Justin Timberschmuck. Alba's engaged and pumping out a unit. Vannillo's with Nick Lachey. And Lima's engaged to Marko Jaric! Everybody he dates seems to marry the next guy that sticks around for breakfast.

A little over a year ago, almost 13 months exactly, there were the pictures of A-Rod in Toronto with a blond "exotic dancer" named Joslyn Noel Morse, the two of them not just photographed together but having been seen entering a strip club together, which still seems like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Yeah Lupica. A little over a year ago. And guess who the only person who still cares about it is? That's right! You, mother fucker!! You've got the memory of a 3 foot tall Lup-iphant. You never forget. And you also never forget to ram these crappy non-stories up the anal cavities of your non-readers. Where's the connection between these two events?

When asked about his blond friend in May of 2007, Rodriguez said, "No comment."
Which is what he said Tuesday on the field at Yankee Stadium when asked about the report in US Weekly that he had been seen making some late-night visits to Madonna's West Side apartment. Rodriguez said "No comment."

Well, there you have it. That's tabloid journalism at it's finest right there. It doesn't get much better than that if you're reading US Weekly or The Sun or The National Enquirer. Wait, you mean... this piece was run in the New York Daily News? A credible news publication that claims to have the number 1 sports section in the city?!

A-Rod said "no comment" about the stripper, and then he said "no comment" about Madonna. The only explanation is that "no comment" is A-Rod slang for "Yeah, I fucked that bitch doggie-style!" He needs his own way of saying things because he's the best right-handed hitter in the entirety of baseball. To make sure there's no confusion.

Now, if these stories about him and Madonna are true - and just for the sake of conversation today, let's say Rodriguez wasn't visiting Madonna for their book club - that means he has joined another kind of list, one that in the old days was supposed to have included Jose Canseco, who has been hinting for years, without proof, that A-Rod may have had more than a passing interest in steroids.

Here's where the magic starts! With a signature Lupica run-on sentence. Look at that baby go! SIX FUCKING COMMAS!! TWO HYPHENS!! This sentence is it's own paragraph. For an ordinary sports journalist, you write this sentence, you spell-check and your work is done!

Just in case you got lost in all the words and punctuation, lets examine what Mike's saying here.

Canseco screwed Madonna ----> Canseco did steroids
A-Rod might be screwing Madonna ----> A-Rod must have done steroids too.

By this logic, do you know who else has used performance-enhancing drugs? Guy Ritchie! Not to mention Chris Rock, David Blaine, Chris Paciello, Billy Zane, Andy Bird, Mark McGrath, Charles Barkley, Carlos Leon, Tupac, Dennis Rodman, Anthony Kiedis, Isabella Rossellini, David Duchovny, Big Daddy Kane, James Albright, Vanilla Ice, Lenny Kravitz, Antonio Banderas, Matt Dillon, Prince, Sandra Bernhard, JFK Junior, Sean Penn, Keith Carradine, David Lee Roth, Warren Beatty, Basquiat, Rosanna Arquette, Megan Mullally, Kelly McGillis, John Starks, Henry Rollins, Jennifer Grey and Henry Rollins.

Oh, and Naomi Campbell. I guess that explains her obvious 'roid rage.

There we have it, courtesy of New York's shortest journalist. The link between steroids and famous celebrities of all kinds is clearly Madonna. Thank God for you Mike Lupica. Now the healing process can genuinely begin.

Coming Next Week: Amy Winehouse spotted in Yankee Clubhouse, Giambi Suspected of Crack-Use.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Shooting From The...*YAWWWWWWNNNN*

I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get a little bit tiring, constantly having to defend New York sports from the tyranny of the Keebler Elf Leader. Luckily for me, he actually picked a new topic for Sunday's Shooting from the Lip! Something he's never bitched or whined about!! The New York Knicks!!! Hooray!!!!

Also, we have another mention of Lupica's friends. He sure does seem to have a lot of them, doesn't he? Must be hard for him to remember all of their names and birthdays, not to mention his busy schedule of being a centerpiece in circle jerks all over the tri-state area. Well, before you shed a tear, let me assure you that none of Lupica's "friends" actually have names... because they don't fucking exist.

There is a Knicks fan I know, a big one, who happened to be in London this week.

Bullshit Mike. Who'd you bump into? Spike Lee? He wouldn't risk his street cred to talk to your midget ass! Don't even fucking lie to me. There are like 17 Knicks fans (including myself) in the entire world right now. You didn't find one of them in London.

The last time he attended the NBA draft in person was the night the Knicks traded away Marcus Camby and Nene, did all that and got Antonio McDyess' knee in return.

Yeah, that was a bad fucking trade. But now I know it's not Spike Lee, because there's no way he hasn't been to a draft in that long.

But the guy was sure interested in this one, and sure that he didn't want the Italian kid, Danilo Gallinari.

Of course your imaginary Knick Fan friend doesn't want Gallinari!! If he did, then you'd have no vehicle in which to drive this shitty article up the ass of the 17 actual Knick fans who give a shit.

The guy said that he had stayed with his team through everything, through what has become the worst era in Knicks history, stayed with them through Isiah Thomas, but that if Donnie Walsh drafted the Italian kid, he was done with the Knicks, that's it, goodbye, he'd wait to see if the Nets ever actually made it to Brooklyn.

This Knick fan sounds a lot like Mike Lupica, doesn't he? Lets be serious here. You're a Knick fan (one of the 17) and you've been through season after season of embarrassing, frustrating losses. You've been through Isiah Thomas, Eddie Curry, Larry Brown, Isiah Thomas, Starbury, Lenny Wilkens, Herb Williams, Isiah Thomas, Alan Houston's knees, Antonio McDyess's mummified corpse, Isiah Thomas's sexual harassment suit, Nate Robinson attacking Malik Rose in the shower and Isiah Thomas... and you're gonna quit on your team because they draft a guy that you don't like? Before you ever see the guy play a fucking game?

If this was actually said by a "Knick fan", and not made up in the dwarven brain of Mike Lupica, then whoever this "Knick fan" is... is the worst excuse for a bandwagon fan in the history of bandwagon fanhood. The Knicks haven't even HAD a bandwagon in at least 10 years... and this guy's just jumping off it now?

Speaking of riding dead horses, they just loaded Eight Belles into the starting gate at Belmont for the 1st race. Velazquez thinks he can get one more good run out of her.

He doesn't play any defense, and if we're ever going to get good again in my lifetime, we're eventually going to have to play some defense, right?

Did D'Antoni make them play defense in Phoenix? How'd they do out there? Oh, that's right. Better than the Knicks. And how do you know how much defense Gallinari plays? WE'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN HIM IN THE NBA!!!!!

The drafting of the Italian kid - and that's if Walsh and D'Antoni are right about him - is the start of the team's extreme makeover.

Because what's a Mike Lupica article without some reference to Reality TV?! Extreme Makeover - Knicks Edition!

The Knicks aren't just the worst team in town, they are the one furthest from being something.
I think the Mets are fucked a lot more than the Knicks, no offense Met fans. The Knicks have some young guys that have shown improvement with Nate Robinson, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler, and now Gallinari. They've got Marbury's expiring contract as a massive trading chip.

Lupica's boyfriends, the Mets, pillaged their minor league system for Johan, who already looks like he doesn't want to be here. Oliver Perez and Aaron Heilman also can't wait to get the fuck out of town. Beltran plays baseball 5 years older than he is. Castillo's locked up for 4 years. That team is basically "David Wright or Bust!" for the foreseeable future... and by the time they can do something serious to fix that, David Wright's probably going to want out too. But at least Reyes can dance... when he's not prompting the manager to threaten to cut him.


But Bill Clinton was here the other day and seems to be almost as big in England as Jerry Lewis is in France.

More important than the reality TV reference, is the veiled shot at guy who hasn't been the President in 7 1/2 years. Got any good Reagan jokes? How about Lincoln! Lincoln jokes are a gas!!

There's this sausage they sell at Wimbledon called a Dutchee and it's pretty good.

Mike Lupica loves the sausage.

Not bratwurst-in-Milwaukee good, but close enough

I mean, really fucking loves the sausage. Rather than pasting the rest of this, just trust me when I say that he goes on for another half a page about the sausage. How they poke it with a needle to make sure it's ready to be stuck in your mouth. How slow the line is. How he was as excited as a virgin on prom night about wrapping his lips around some big, hot, thick, juicy, British Sausage...

Bondy would have been a lot more impressed about my soccer knowledge if my 6-to-1 bet on Turkey against Germany had paid off, I can tell you that right now.

If any Turkish people are reading this, please note than this is the reason your team lost! Mike Lupica bet on them. I don't know how hardcore you guys are about soccer, but if you want to assassinate somebody for causing the loss to zee Germans, you should target Mike Lupica. He cursed them.

What part of "contract year" is Oliver Perez not getting so far?

The part where he's supposed to win games when his offense doesn't score any runs. If you had ever actually WATCHED a baseball game, you'd understand what I mean.

Who would have thought at the start of the season that Mike Mussina would come back and pitch the way Mets fans want Pedro to pitch?

Mike Mussina's ERA+ is 104 right now. That means he's basically league-average. He's got 10 wins because his team scores runs. That's not to say that he hasn't pitched well, but the bottom line is that he's not chasing a Cy Young or anything.

If Mussina was pitching for the Mets, he'd be 6-10 instead of 10-6, because the Mets don't have the offense to get a guy the win if he gives up 4 runs. And Lupica would bitch about wanting Pedro.

Red Sox fans have probably forgotten all that "Nancy Drew" stuff on J.D. from last season by now, I'm guessing.

Why? He's still a fucking faggot. And he's on pace to miss 28 games this season. He's currently played in 71/85. People call him "Nancy Drew" because he's softer than a newborn baby's ballsack! Not because he can't hit.

Twelve-year-old Shannon Hamilton, from Albuquerque, N.M., won the third go-round's ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer, and set the 2008 roping record in the process.

Welcome to the latest installment of "Using Don Imus's Charitable Deeds to Justify the Fact that He's a Fucking Racist!!"

I'm just hoping the Rev. Al doesn't have any problem with that.

Rev. Al doesn't have a problem with that. Rev. Al has a problem with Imus going on the radio and screaming racial slurs and stereotypes about black people to boost his fucking ratings. Unless you really believe that he was implying that "Pacman was unfairly targeted." Are you that stupid? I didn't think so. I'm not either.

They're not nearly as interested in the Subway Series here as you might think.

I wouldn't think that people in London give a shit about the Mets or Yankees. They have their own sports to worry about.

I had heard London was expensive. What I didn't know was that I was going to need a summer job when I got home.

Don't worry little boy. I'm sure the Daily News will set you up with a paper route to make extra money.

What?! You're a 53 year old man?! Can't they get you some growth hormones or something?!I guess you could be a chimney sweep! Maybe Santa needs help making the toys!!