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Monday, June 30, 2008

Hidden Message?

Number 2? Hmmm...

Friday, June 27, 2008

Contest: Add A Quote For This Pic!

Look at this loser. Whoever comes up with the best quote to go along with this pathetic pic will get a free Enough Lupica sticker or shirt or whatever the fuck we come up with.

Add your quote below by clicking on "COMMENTS"

You can sign in as "anonymous" so you don't have to go thru the bullshit of registering.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Fred Wilpon Approved This Message

How sad that the great Mike Lupica has to be a fan of such a shitty team.

As the Mets keep tripping over their own collective two feet, Lupica has to keep finding ways to make them look good. Lupica's taken the "Yankees Suck" route a million too many times, and now he's trying to find a new way to keep Fred Wilpon in his bed.

So Mike is now taking the route of "Met Apologist Of The Decade".

Read this bullshit and see how pathetic Lupica has become.

Yes, it's worse than ever.

Now what for the Mets?

It is a particularly good question for Fred Wilpon and Jeff Wilpon and Omar Minaya and even Tony Bernazard, a Mets vice president suddenly regarded as the John Dillinger of the National League by people who've never met him.

Right. Lupica never slammed someone he never met. What a load of horse shit. Everyone is saying Bernazard is a piece of shit, except Lupica. What does that tell you about the guy?

You ask where they go from here as much as you do all the Met ballplayers, unless you think the firing of Willie Randolph is the crime of the century in baseball and the people who did it can never come back from it.

Yes, crime of the century.

Typical Lupica, completely blowing things out of proportion to prove his point.

Now the people in charge go back to work and prove to their fans that they still know what they're doing, that they didn't turn into a complete bums with this one act

They are bums because they have the highest payroll in the NL and they SUCK. Their GM put together a team full of senior citizens and is putting too much faith in Wright and Reyes.

Wright has never heard the word "hustle" and Reyes has trouble tying his shoes. Hey, at least he runs fast.

Johan so far has been a bust, Wagner is a joke, Beltran will never live up to his contract, Castillo is signed for 4 years…need I go on?

It is absolutely fair to say that Randolph is the same guy who won 97 games two years ago and brought the Mets to within a swing or two of a World Series I believe they would have won.

Oh fuck it - the Mets only have two World Series titles; we won't mind if you want to change history and say they actually won their third in 2006. Go ahead!

Maybe we can all pretend the Mets didn’t collapse in historic fashion last season too.

It often happens like this in sports: You hire someone knowing who he is and end up firing him for the same reasons. It happened to Randolph the way it has happened to a lot of them. You can make the case that it even happened to Joe Torre at Yankee Stadium.

Considering Torre wasn't fired, you can't make the same case for him. Thanks for trying.

As bad as the Wilpons and Omar looked this week, they do have some work to do to catch up with the way the old man (Steinbrenner) did it in his prime

Lupica must be referring to how many World Series titles Steinbrenner has over Mike's new love interest Fred Wilpon.

Mike can keep slamming Steinbrenner, but at least the Yankees aren't the embarrassment of NY and the MLB.

Mr. Wilpon, can you please untie Lupica from your bed so he can get his dignity back and continue slamming the Yankees? Watching him try to defend your crappy team is bringing a tear to my eye.

Monday, June 23, 2008

6/22 Shooting From The Lip

I don't even have the energy today to dissect the soft, careful critique that Lupiduck wrote about the Mets and Willie. All I'll say is that the story has been covered from every imaginable angle, including Willie Randolph writing his own perspective on it in the New this week. So just when every possible angle of coverage has been exhausted, here's Lupica to write another page and a half about it. Nothing new. Nothing controversial. Nothing smart. Just the same garbage you've already read. The clock now starts on how long Lupica will continue to talk about the Willie Randolph firing. We're taking bets. The under is September 2011.

I hope the Knicks go for Joe Alexander of West Virginia, just on his nickname alone: Vanilla Sky.

Drafting players based on their nicknames is a terrific way to get a top-flight player. I can see it now!!

David Stern: With the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai!!

Mel Kipper, Jr.: Wow, so the Bulls go a different route with Jawai! I really thought he was a late first rounder. He doesn't have a lot of upside potential, but I don't know. With a nickname like that he's almost got to be successful, doesn't he?

And another thing. Vanilla Sky was a Tom Cruise movie. Am I detecting a bit of short-bias from Lupica here? Tom Cruise is short, Lupica is... well... shorter. These midgets are starting to stick together.

I can't be positive about this, but I think Ray Allen just made another 3.

The reason he can't be positive, is because that would involve actually watching sports, which would interrupt Lupica's busy schedule of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Living Lohan, Denise Richards: It's Complicated and, of course, Celebrity Circus, where Mike Lupica is pulling for his cousin Wee Man.

My man Bob Ryan, Boston Globe, has said for years that Paul Pierce was the most gifted offensive player the Celtics have ever had, and Ryan turned out to be absolutely right.

Welcome to the latest episode of Lupica: My Man! Does it ever get less homoerotic? Nope.

Just for the record though, lets look at this for a second.

Paul Pierce, The Best Offensive Player in Celtics History: 23.1 PPG, 1 NBA title, 0 MVPs.
Larry Bird, The Piece of Shit Prick with a Bad Back: 24.3 PPG, 3 NBA titles, 3 MVPs.

Bob Ryan is a complete fucking moron. He's always been a complete fucking moron. And he's also short. So again, midgets fucking sticking together!!

Phil Jackson did so much scribbling during timeouts in Game 6, I thought he was making diary entries.

And yet Phil Jackson is an 11x NBA Champion, and has won 9 of those trophies as a coach. He's recognized as one of the 10 best coaches in NBA history. So I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that whatever he was scribbling was pertinent to trying to win a basketball game.

I'll tell you one thing that Phil Jackson WASN'T writing. Checks to the refs. Doc Rivers and the Bookies had already taken care of that.

Or starting a to-do list about finding players who don't think playing defense is some sort of parttime job.

It's hard to play defense when one team is being called for hand-check fouls while the other team is allowed to throw closed fists at Black Mamba's head without a whistle.

The Yankees really are in the middle of one of the softest interleague schedules in the history of the known universe: Astros, Padres, Reds, Pirates.

Compared to the Mets, who played the Rangers, the Angels... the Colorado Rockies... and the Mariners. The Angels are tough... but that's not exactly a buzz-saw until the Yankees get to town.

Michael Jordan does not let his team lose the way the Lakers did the other night and neither does LeBron James, and that's that.

Which is why the Cavs beat the Spurs for the NBA title last year!! Because LeBron refused to let his team lose... wait, what? The Cavs got swept in that series!? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about?

Give me the first pick and I pick LeBron every time.

Didn't we already discover in this very article, that Lupica drafts players based on nickname, so all this tells us is that he think "King James" is better than "The Black Mamba." Give me the first pick, and I'd take Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai.

Imagine the howling, from sea to shining sea, if the Celtics had ever quit playing on Doc Rivers the way the Lakers came to a complete screeching halt in Game 6.

You mean kind of the way the Celtics quit on Doc Rivers 10 games into the 2007 season?

Make me see "The Love Guru."

Please go see "The Love Guru." It was the worst piece of shit I ever watched... so you'll probably love it. Plus you can support the work of fellow gnome, Vern Troyer. But this is a weird random statement... even for you. What are you trying to segue into?

Speaking of Sen. Clinton: Where's her husband these days?

How could I not see it coming... this was a segue into a CLINTON JOKE!! Very classy of Lupica to keep beating the dead horse. Hey Mike... she's out of the race. She walked away. Shouldn't you be bashing Barack Obama and John McCain, while touting the candidacy of Hervé Villechaize (aka Tattoo from Fantasy Island)?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

This Joke Only Works in Print...

Here's a headline that I haven't spotted yet, but I'm hoping it's out there somewhere.

Yankees Wang and Red Sox Colon injured; sent to Disabled List

Sounds a whole hell of a lot like the Sox are getting fucked in the ass.

But everybody knows that the Yankees usually wait until August to do that.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Mike Lupica's Biggest Cop Out Of All Time.

Mike Lupica's butt buddy and golf buddy, Mets owner Fred Wilpon, finally let Willie Randolph go in one of the most embarrassing, disgraceful, disrespectful ways of all time.

As all the other sports journalists in NY checked in with their nasty columns, calling the Mets hierarchy a bunch of bums, we waited for Lupica to check in with his puff piece, knowing that he can't rip his circle of jerks over in Flushing.

Mike, you outdid yourself today.

Not only did you gloss over the fact that the Mets are the joke of the MLB, but you didn't even write about the biggest NY sports story since the Giants won the superbowl.

All Lupica did today was resubmit a column he wrote almost four years ago, when Willie was meeting with the Mets, trying to become their new manager.

What a fucking copout. Your twisted friendship with Wilpon is keeping you from doing your job. You can't be objective about the Mets because you know Wilpon will no longer give you full body massages if you say anything remotely negative about the sorry state of his team.

You have no spine. You can't do your job.

You are a joke - hopefully you'll get canned at 3 in the morning.

An Article Mike Lupica Would Never Write.

Check out how Mike Vaccaro of the New York Post rips the Mets to shreds on their firing of Willie...

What a crowd, these bums are, all of them, from the Wilpons at the top to Omar Minaya down below, all of them who conspired to botch this firing worse than any firing has ever been botched. Ever. You wouldn't trust these guys to run a 7-11, let alone a National League baseball team. What a joke. What a cowardly, dastardly joke.

A midnight massacre.

A 3 a.m. thrashing.

Disgraceful. Utterly, completely, disgraceful.

And here's the ridiculous part: They could have gone through the transaction of what they did – firing Randolph, firing Rick Peterson, firing Tom Nieto, elevating Jerry Manuel and Ken Oberkfell and Luis Aguayo and Dan Warthen, at any time across the past few weeks and they would have been perfectly justified.

Hell, if they wanted to raze the whole staff last October, after the epic collapse of September, that would have been all right, too. You may not have agreed with it (although a loud segment of Mets fans surely would have). But that would have simply been a baseball decision. And the baseball was enough to warrant it.

This? This is unspeakable. These men couldn't have been fired in New York, before heading on a plane and flying 3,000 miles to their doom? They couldn't have been spared the ignominy of a public perp walk back east, their dignity thrown into their carry-on luggage?


Is this the best the Mets can do? Is this really what they are about? Can they really consider themselves a professional operation when they do the simplest task in sports, firing the manager, this wretchedly?

Lupica could never write this, because Fred Wilpon will probably stop giving him reach arounds in the men's room at Shea.

Lupica, I fucking dare you to rip the Mets like they deserve to be.

I won't hold my breath.

Willie Randolph Gets The Axe.

So Mike Lupica's Mets finally made a move and let Willie Randolph go. Willie Randolph, the man with the most rings in their entire organization, the manager who got the Mets to first place after 18 years, is gone.

How is a manager responsible when they have a team full of slackers and senior citizens?

Here are the "stars" of the Mets that got handed to Willie. What was he supposed to do with this bunch of losers?

Wright - slacker
Reyes - slacker and mildly retarded
Wagner - fucking loser
Pedro - old
Delgado - older than Shea
Beltran - hasn't hit .280 in FIVE YEARS
Castillo - who?
Santana - the one guy who can live up to the hype - congrats, he was only $150 million.

Lupidick is always making fun of the Yankees' problems - look the Mets you confused tool!

Mike loves to make fun of the ages of Yankees players, yet the Mets have the highest average age in the league.

Mike is always pointing out the payroll of the Yankees, even though they always make the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Mets have had the highest payroll in the NL for the last five years, and they have one postseason to show for it. But at least they had a strong showing in 2003 where they finished dead last, and who can forget last year's heroic finish to their season?

Mike is always slamming Steinbrenner for his mouth. His mouth? Look at how the Mets handled the firing of Randolph! "We support Willie!" Then they make him fly to the west coast, they win the game, then he gets the axe. Fucking stupid.

The Mets are a fucking joke. But we'll have to keep reading Lupica's Yankee hating bullshit because he's a douche.

I guarantee at some point in the season if the Yankees start surging and are in line to make the playoffs, Mike will write something like this...

The Yankees have had their share of injuries this year; the (insert Mets or Red Sox here) have had more.

Always knocking on the Yankees when the Mets are the laughingstock of the MLB.

Give it a rest, ass face.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Just In Case You Forgot What The Yankees Payroll Is...

It’s Father’s Day, and in the world of Mike Lupica, that can only mean one thing…

It's time to point out the Yankees payroll again!

My feeling on our kids in Yankee pinstripes goes something like this:

When you're spending $200 million on baseball players, you're sort of not supposed to need a weak wild-card field to make the playoffs.

And here’s my feelings on Lupica being a total dick…

1. It’s the middle of JUNE, asshole.

Why would anyone be talking about the chances of the Yankees making the post season in the middle of fucking June?

Let’s take a look at where the Yankees have been on June 15th over the last several seasons, and how they made out.

June 15, 2007 – Yankees were 8.5 games back - won the wild card by 6 games
June 15, 2006 - Yankees were 1 game up - won the division by 10 games
June 15, 2005 - Yankees were 6.5 games back - won the division by .5 games
June 15, 2004 - Yankees were 4.5 games up - won the division by 3 games
June 15, 2003 - Yankees were.5 games up - won the division by 6 games
June 15, 2002 - Yankees were.5 games back - won the division by 10.5 games
June 15, 2001 - Yankees were 2 games back - won the division by 13.5 games

What does this all mean?

It means you can’t judge the postseason possibilities for a team in the middle of June…unless you are an asshole.

Like Mike Lupica.

2. How about that Mets payroll?

Lupica takes such pride in reminding us about the Yankees payroll. Unfortunately, he rarely (if ever) mentions the Mets $140 million payroll, and how great it’s been working out for them.

Let's take a look, Lupica style...

1.When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to need a team like the Washington Nationals to keep you out of last place.

2. When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to be wondering if your team is gonna can your manager because your team blows.

3. When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to be the league leader in Geritol ingestion.

4. When you’re spending $140 million on baseball players, you’re sort of not supposed to be given a free pass on your payroll by short douche bag sports journalists.

Check out what the Midget says right after he knocks the Yankees…

Hold the phone, are the Detroit Tigers actually about to join the baseball season?

This is comedy:

Detroit Tigers – 4th place, 7 games back
New York Mets – 4th place, 7 games back

Happy Fathers Day, asshole.

Congrats on your shocking ability to reproduce, and on finding a poor woman who actually let you.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Here We Go Again!

"The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer." - Mike Lupidwarf

I think they have one too many.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Scooter > Keith Hernandez

Here are the reasons why Phil Rizzuto owns Keith Hernandez in every way.

Phil Rizzuto is a Hall of Famer. Keith Hernandez will never get into the Hall... unless he buys a ticket. And even if he did, he'd probably pull a hamstring walking through the door.

Phil Rizzuto was on more World Champion Teams (7) than Hernandez was on All-Star Teams (5).

Rizzuto's broadcasting can be heard in the Meatloaf song "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights." People usually press the mute button when Hernandez is talking. Even in real life.

Hernandez didn't lose years of his career because of WWII.

The Scooter never railed against women's equality on the air.

Rizzuto also didn't squander his talent and chances at winning during coke parties with Tim Teufel.

More Daily News Bullshit Headlines...

So the Yankees got a great start out of Wang last night and got the win, getting their record over .500 at 33-32.

The Mets lost their fifth straight to the lowly NL West, dropping their record to 30-33.

If you click on the Sports section of the Daily News website today, you'll see these headlines:

Bondy: Yankee win is nothing to go wild about yet

Ziegel: Despite defeat, Mets might see magic in numbers

Are you fucking kidding me?

I Just Thought You Should Know That.

Don't you love it when Lupishit prefaces some cherry-picked Yankee stat, trying to make a good player look like some sort of hack, with the phrase "I just thought you should know that"?

Like when he compared HOF bound Jeter to wife beater Lugo?

Or his other fucking assholish phrase, "Here's a fun fact"?

Like when he compared 5 tool machine ARod to no glove Ortiz?

Since Lupiskirt declared Josh Beckett the ace of the universe, I like to throw it back in his face with some of my own useless cherry picked stats.

Here's Mister Ace's line from last night...

I just thought you should know that.

Fun fact, indeed.

Monday, June 9, 2008

The Mets Need More Suck In Their Bullpen..

I gotta thank Mister Six for introducing me to the Lupica Curse, because it's just comedy.

From a few weeks ago, Lupidick gave us this little (haha, get it? "little?") nugget of wisdom...

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

From yesterday...


Just another great call from the Daily News sports "genius", Mike Lupica.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

New York Baseball Blows! Reality TV Rules!

I finally figured it out.

Mike wants to score with Simon Cowell.

It all came to me today when I read this article, that not only bashes the Yankees (shock), but the Mets too!

I guess he gave up on Reyes and is moving on to bigger and better (and British) things.

The New York baseball season hasn't happened yet, has it?

Wow, that American Idol really sucked you in, Mike.

Unless you think this is all the Yankees and Mets have.

Really, this is what the baseball season in New York has been so far:

One start for Joba.

All the talk about Willie Randolph's job.

Actually, if you were a fan (which you obviously are not) you would know there is a lot going on.

About 120 games between the two teams; some good, some bad, some ugly.

This is why fans watch baseball – because we never know what’s going to happen.

Kind of like how you watch reality TV, except in our case, there is talent on our TVs.

And Hank Steinbrenner talking, constantly, almost every day, every news cycle, as if somebody has injected him with truth serum, talking about everything and everybody as if talking can turn him into his old man.

An owner is disappointed in his incredibly high payrolled team. He’s not allowed to talk about it? How come it’s only you who is allowed talk? No one even listens to your sorry ass. They just read your dopey articles, shake their heads in disappointment, then line their birdcage with your weekly garbage.

There is so much that we don't know about these two teams after more than two months of the season.

Exactly, you douche bag! We don’t know if they are going to stay at .500, or if they are going to face each other in the world series.

This is why fans watch the games. We are into it. You, obviously, are not.

So fuck off.

… I always go into the men's final at the French thinking my man Federer has a chance to beat Nadal.

Your man. Please. We all know there is more than one man.

Be proud of your homosexuality, Mike. Embrace it.

You wonder if all the other baseball networks covered Jason Giambi's checked swing Friday night as if it were part of some vast right-wing conspiracy.

You have a problem with YES questioning a possible game-changing bad call? It was a shitty call; they talked about it.

You call this journalism, Mike? You couldn’t come up with anything better? Not even a reality TV comparison, or a comparison to Obama beating Clinton?

Jeez you are slipping.

Although I do like how you always compare a Yankee story to some national event.

So predictable...and stupid.

Their personalities couldn't be more different, but there are a lot of nights during the baseball season when Keith Hernandez is as fun and unpredictable and occasionally as loopy as Scooter used to be.

Yeah, like when he went off about a girl being in a dugout instead of at home washing dishes.

Fun, unpredictable, and loopy, indeed.

Maybe you can add in "drunk" and "high on coke," like he was in the '86 Mets dugout.

Go suck his cock and get it over with.

You keep thinking the networks have reached new bottoms when it comes to their reality-show choices, but now here comes, "I Survived a Japanese Game Show."

What do you call a reality TV addict?

I call them assholes.

No one would ever call me a hockey guy…

Newsflash – no one would ever call you a guy.

I sort of had a feeling that Paul Pierce hadn't suffered some sort of compound fracture of the right knee when he went down Thursday night.

Because you are such an athlete Mike.

My second son, Alex, graduated on Friday.

I wonder if Mike remembers life before Tivo…imagine all the family shit he must have missed because of his reality TV schedule.

Friday, June 6, 2008


Top of the second inning of tonight's Yankee, runner on first with Teahen hitting for the Royals.

Teahen hits a dribbler that Cano fields and flips to Jeter for one... back to first and Teahen is safe on a very close play.  So how can a broadcast team fuck it up?  Simple...

Michael Kay starts talking about the old "little league" rule of "tie goes to the runner."  He talks about how there's NO SUCH THING AS A TIE and nothing in the rulebook about a tie.  And that the defense or the runner always has an advantage.

And then he watches the replay and concludes that IT WAS A TIE!!!!  

Just for the record, the reason there's no rule about "tie goes to the runner" is simple.  What constitutes a tie?

The runner hits the base at the exact moment that the defensive player hits the base with the ball.  Which means that the runner's foot is on the base when the defensive player hits the base with the ball.... which means that he's safe.  It's not a tie.  The runner is on the base.  End of story.  Michael Kay's failure to understand the most basic premises of the rules of the game of baseball is stunning and he should be fired.

Don't be a dick, Bill Madden.

The fucking Daily News strikes again.

What the hell is up with these assholes? Is Lupica the sports editor now?

Bill Madden wrote this article about yesterday's dramatic win yesterday, and this was the title of his story...

Ending with bang won't start boom

Pack it in Yankees, your win yesterday will NOT have any affect on the upcoming games and the rest of the season. None. Won't. Will not happen. No chance.

Madden makes it perfectly clear that yesterday's game will NOT be the start of anything.

So check out the first sentence of his article...

It remains to be seen, of course, just how much momentum such an exhilarating and unexpected walk-off win over one of the teams ahead of them in their own division will have for these very imperfect Yankees. (Emphasis mine).

So what the fuck? Why have the doomsday headline, then completely contradict it in the first five words of the article?

You had to shit on the Yankees with a completely inappropriate headline?

I'm not saying yesterday's game will lead to a 20 game win streak, but to say it won't help is just subjective Lupishit.

Then having to clarify (contradict) the headline in the first sentence shows one of two things.

A) Some Mets fan hack comes up with the headlines, or
B) You are a dick.

Enough with the bullshit. Stop making yourself look like a Lupicock wannabe.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

4 Reasons Not To Panic

As the post suggests, these are the reasons why people shouldn't freak out over Joba Chamberlain's outing last night. They're pretty simple and obvious when you think.

1) It's the first start of his major league career and gives little to no indication of what kind of pitcher he's going to be.

2) The Blue Jays knew he was on a 60-70 pitch count. It was the first game of a series, and you can bet your grandma's kneecaps that their manager told them to make him throw and try to get him out of there quickly so the bullpen would have to work a lot of innings. Dan Giese did a nice job of not letting them completely burn out our bullpen last night. If anything, it was a bad idea to publicly announce what his pitch count was going to be, but no biggy.

3) Joba only gave up 1 hit. The four walks are the byproduct of #2, these guys were UP THERE TO TAKE PITCHES. They weren't going to swing at anything borderline. Did you see anybody swing at his first pitch? Ever? They were probably up there taking a strike. This is because of the pitch count.

4) Shannon Stewart scored on a walk, a balk, a passed ball and a groundout. And Alex Rios didn't even score on Joba!! Joba walked Rios, they brought in Dan Giese... and GIESE was the one who allowed Rios to steal second, get to third on Molina's throwing error... and score on ANOTHER GROUNDOUT! This game didn't go into the can until Veras and Edwar shit all over it. It was a 3-2 game in the 6th inning. It's not as though we got blown out.

So to summarize, as Joba works into form and his pitch count is loosened, his outings will be longer and better. Guys will go back to swinging out of their shoes to try to hit his nasty fastball/slider combination. The curve and change will work into form. And this kid's going to be a successful starting pitcher. I know this isn't the kind of content we usually post here (specifically because it's not attacking Mike Lupica in any way, even though he is a fucking gimp), but I felt like it was necessary to calm you guys down. Because I hate to see you upset.

And in case you can't tell, I really like the "Kickassingest" tag! I think we should use it whenever Joba is involved. Forever.

And another thing... are Met fans really shitting their pants and then dancing in those same shitted pants because Pedro went 6 innings on 3 runs, 7 hits and 3 walks? Against the weakest offense in the last 20 years of baseball history? And beat Barry Zito? Grats on that. We'll keep Joba.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Joba's First Start; Lupica Nauseates...

Christ, I can't stand this midget asshole!

Remember a few days ago, when our favorite little munchkin said this?

I keep waiting for the news that Joba's first start has been declared an instant national sports holiday.

I guess Lupica doesn't really think Joba's first start in the majors is a big deal, right?

Then two fucking days later, he writes an article about Joba's first start!

I thought it wasn’t a big deal, mini-bitch?

He's just crying because Joba's first start is so much more appealing than Pedro's first start.

They turn Yankee Stadium into "American Idol" Tuesday when Joba Chamberlain gets the ball against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Actually, "they" will be playing a baseball game. No one has mentioned a reality TV show except, as usual, a sad sports columnist who had to play "reality sports" as a child...because no one picked him to play on their team.

The Yankees put as much on a young pitcher, even one who can throw baseballs 100 miles per hour, as they have on any young pitcher they've ever had.

How? By asking him to start a game as opposed to relieve in a game? Is anyone asking, or even hinting, that Joba has to be the savior of the 2008 Yankees?

They are asking a starting pitcher in the minors, who has had success as a major league reliever, to be a starting pitcher in the majors. Is it that big of a stretch?

It's like Hank Steinbrenner and Yankee fans voted often enough and now a kid who was pitching in the low minors a year ago gets a start in the big house, ready or not.

Ready or not? What the fuck is Lupica talking about? He was a starter, now they are making him a starter. Get a grip, asshole.

They have had just about everything since they have been Steinbrenner's Yankees. They have had more money and more controversy than everybody else in baseball. They have brought the World Series back to the Stadium. They have given us Joe Torre and Derek Jeter and A-Rod and Roger Clemens and Rivera and Posada.

Did you notice he said Rivera? This will be important after a few more lines of bullshit…

They have given us four million in attendance and $200 million in salaries every single year and remain the greatest (regular-season) baseball show on earth.

Yay! $200 million! Now we KNOW Mike Lupica MEANS BUSINESS.

I like how the little dick says that Steinbrenner's Yankees are the greatest regular-season baseball show on earth.

Is there another baseball team owner out there that has 6 or more world series titles?

The Yankees have given us everything except this:

Except a pitching phenom.

I like the overuse of the word "except."

Let me try that word in a sentence…

"The Yankees never had a pitcher from their farm turn into a phenom, except MARIANO RIVERA!"

How is a pitcher, regarded as one of the best, if not the best, closer of all time NOT considered a phenom?

Why do I hate Lupicock? I have no idea.

The Yankees don't develop pitching. They buy it used.

Because, as everyone knows, the Mets and Red Sox have their pitching staffs full of guys from their farm system, right?

Mets Best Starting Pitchers (ERA) In The Last Ten Years
2008 - Santana…NOT FROM FARM
2007 - Perez… NOT FROM FARM
2006 - Glavine… NOT FROM FARM
2005 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
2004 - Leiter… NOT FROM FARM
2003, 2002 - Traschel… NOT FROM FARM
2001 - Leiter… NOT FROM FARM
2000 - Hampton… NOT FROM FARM
1999 - Leiter… NOT FROM FARM

Red Sox Best Starting Pitchers (ERA) In The Last Ten Years
2008 - Dice K… NOT FROM FARM
2007 - Beckett… NOT FROM FARM
2006 - Schilling… NOT FROM FARM
2005 - Wakefield… NOT FROM FARM
2004 - Schilling… NOT FROM FARM
2003 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
2002 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
2001 - Wakefield… NOT FROM FARM
2000 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM
1999 - Pedro… NOT FROM FARM

Yankees Best Starting Pitchers (ERA) In The Last Ten Years
2008 - Wang… FROM FARM
2007 - Wang… FROM FARM

Need I even finish the rest of the list?

Nice job, Lupidick!

Enough-DJ Gallo.com?

Maybe it's time... because D.J. Gallo over at ESPN Page 2 is becoming a regular contributor to this page. Contributor of stupid, hacky, stupid, shitty Yankee-bashing bullshit, that is.

The one thing that separates this from the usual stupid shit that I see though, is that this guy isn't bashing the Yankees. He's flat-out bashing Yankee FANS.

When Sox fans get all excited about Clay Buchholz or Jon Lester or Justin Masterson, that's A-Okay, but if Yankee fans are amped up about the first start of their All-World 22 year-old setup man, that's somehow wrong? And a reason to make shitty jokes at their expense?

As I assume you know -- being the good American you are -- Joba Chamberlain's first major league start is tonight. (OMG!!!)

Yeah, because obviously if you don't follow baseball, you're a fucking terrorist. OMG!!!ROFLWTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!111oneoneone!

This is obviously one of the biggest events in world history. I mean, he's a legitimate prospect … and he plays in New York … for the YANKEES! (OMG again!!!)

Yeah, obviously this is huge!! Cuz the Yankees NEVER march legitimate prospects out there. Wang and Cano? Fuckin' flukes. Melky? What a piece of shit. Pettitte and Mo Rivera? Flashes in the pan. And Jeter was a lucky grab, I mean... where'd they get that guy? In the 829th round of the draft?

The Yankees don't have homegrown guys like the Sox. Guys like Manny Ramirez, JD Drew, Coco Crisp, Mike Lowell, Julio Lugo, Jason Varitek and David Ortiz!! Guys who came up with the Sox. Wait... you mean they traded for... or bought all of those guys? No fuckin' way, bra! You're totally shitting me about this!!

Major World Event: Fall of the Berlin Wall, 1989
Why This is Bigger: It took the Germans several weeks to bring down a wall? Joba could have reduced it to dust in an instant with a single fastball. Heck, he could have done it with his changeup. And I don't mean now either. I mean he could have done it with his changeup back in 1989, when he was 4.

Yeah, because Joba is fuckin' King Kong man! Joba laid down to sleep once and his cock hit the ground. The earthquake that resulted killed 250,000 people and created the San Andreas fault! Ever since, Joba has slept standing up, like a mighty stallion!!

Major World Event: Written language first developed, c. 3500 BC
Why This is Bigger: Granted, the development of written language was a fairly big deal. But what has it really been good for all these years? We haven't had anything truly worthy of being described via written word. But now, thanks to Joba's arrival, we can let beautiful poetry spill out of us, and finally start accurately using adjectives like "perfect," "best," "greatest" and "kickassingest."

Yeah DJ Gallo! Plus without written words, how would stupid asshole douchebag fucking bandwagon Yankee fans like us congregate on fan boards to talk about how Joba is going to throw 7,400 innings a season and strike out 58.4 million batters in his career by throwing that Bugs Bunny Loop-de-loop Curveball mixed with his 8,349 MPH fastball?

And really, "kickassingest"? That's your fucking joke? Kickassingest? You really can't be fucking serious. Asskickingest? Can you at least give me that?

Major World Event: Albert Einstein publishes his theory of relativity, 1905
Why This is Bigger: Time travel is possible, eh? What a load of bunk. If time travel was possible, a Red Sox fan from the future would have already come to the present day to take Joba Chamberlain out because Joba is inevitably about to lead the Yankees to 20 consecutive World Series championships.

Actually, a Red Sox fan DID discover time travel in October of 2003, but then Aaron Boone sent that Wakefield offering into the upper deck, and that Sox fan got so fucking drunk on the mixture of Jagermeister, Peach Schnapps and his own tears that he forgot the secret to time travel. I'll give you guys a hint though.... 1.21 Gigawatts!! Which is also the amount of electricity generated by a bolt of lightning... or a Joba Chamberlain fastball.

Major World Event: The "Big Bang," 13.7 billion years ago
Why This is Bigger: Do you ascribe to the "Big Bang" theory? Fine. But something had to come before the big bang. And I know what it was: Joba threw a fastball off of God's batting helmet because he was crowding the plate.


Joba Chamberlain couldn't POSSIBLY have thrown a ball at God's head... know why? BECAUSE JOBA CHAMBERLAIN IS GOD!!! The Sox are sooOOoOOooOoOo fucked!!

Major World Event: Yankee debut of Hensley Meulens, 1989
Why This is Bigger: Yeah, I think Joba's start will definitely have a greater long-term impact than Meulens' first game in pinstripes. Or so Yankees fans hope.

I'm not entirely sure I see the correlation between Chamberlain (1st Round Pick in 2006, Pitcher) and Hensley Meulens (International Free Agent, Outfielder).

Is this joke intended to imply that Chamberlain will falter as a starter and flame out of baseball? Because last I checked, if he's no good as a starter, the Yankees can still probably move him back to the bullpen, where he'll be our set-up man/closer for the next 15 years.

I think Jon Papelbon will definitely have a greater long-term impact than Izzy Alcantara's first game in a Sox Uniform! Or at least Red Sox fans hope.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Congratulations Manny Ramirez For Joining Elusive Club.

I just wanted to say congratulations to Manny Ramirez for joining the 25 Minutes Of Showboating Club. At an average of 3 seconds of showboating per HR, Manny Ramirez has reached the 25 minute milestone after hitting his 500th HR.

Congratulations Manny! A class act all the way!

Fun Facts About Lupica's Good Friend Paul Westphal

Six can do "fun facts" posts too! Take that Fafa!!!

Paul Westphal was, in fact 191-88 as Phoenix's manager.

Fun Fact #1 - Players on his team during those years include Kevin Johnson, Dan Majerle, Charles Barkley, Danny Ainge, Cedric Ceballos, Tom Chambers, Richard Dumas, Wayman Tisdale and A.C. Green.

Fun Fact #2 - Westphal was fired because Phoenix started out 14-19 in the 1995-96 season despite a team featuring Charles Barkley, Michael Finley, Kevin Johnson, Danny Manning, Wesley Person and Wayman Tisdale (who all averaged double-digit scoring that year). 6 Guys averaging double-digits + .424 winning percentage = fired. Especially when you haven't won a ring with all that talent yet.

Fun Fact #3 - Westphal was 76-71 as coach of the Seattle Sonics from 1998-2001, with teams that included Gary Payton, Detlef Schrempf, pre-alcoholic Vin Baker and Rashard Lewis.

Fun Fact #4 - From 1996 when the Suns dumped him, to 1998 when the Sonics hired him, Paul Westphal was an assistant coach for a High School Team in Arizona.

Paul Westphal lost the Phoenix job because they underachieved in the Playoffs... and then sucked in the regular season.

And he lost the Sonics job, because he sucks. He's lucky to be an assistant coach now, and I pity the next team who hires him as a head coach.

The New York Mets Payroll is Still $140 Million Dollars!

I told you that's the name of every post I do from now on... okay, not really. But you laughed, didn't you? Shooting from the Lip. For the record, isn't the phrase "shooting from the hip"? Is that what passes as witty wordplay these days? Am I getting old? Or is Lupica just a complete fucking douchebag?

Tom Coughlin's football Giants finished one of those seasons just four months ago, the greatest finish and the greatest season any New York sports team has ever had.

Really Mike? So the 2008 Giants had the greatest season in New York history?

What about the 1996 Yankees? You remember? Down 2-0 and came back? Wade Boggs riding around the Stadium on a Pony and crying? The end of an 18-year drought for the Yanks? Jeter's legacy beginning? Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden getting their second rings? David Cone? Jimmy Key? Rivera-to-Wetteland?

Shit, what about the 1986 Mets? Doc and Darryl and Keith and at least 700 lbs of cocaine? And Lenny Dykstra walking around the clubhouse with steroids in a fucking I.V. drip? Mookie and HoJo and Lee Mazzilli and George Foster? Buckner handing the series to Los Mets in a refrigerator box?

What about the 1994 New York Rangers? 1940!! 54 Years!! The Curse is Over!! Now I Can Die in Peace signs!! Stephane Matteau!! Messier's guarantee!! Does any of this ring a bell at all? Mike? Are you there? Mike?

I've gone back as far as 1986 and listed 3 different championship seasons better than the 2008 Giants. Don't get me wrong, I love the Giants, and I'll be forever grateful to them for ruining the Pats perfect season... but greatest championship in New York History? Sorry, but no.

But no one we are going to have will win as long and as often as Joe Torre did.

Know who won more than Joe Torre here? Casey Stengel. Know who else? Joe McCarthy. Know what they have in common? None of them are the SOLE REASON the Yankees won championships. None of them hit or pitched the Yankees to a ring as the manager. None of them made a diving grab in Game 7.

Stengel and McCarthy had terrific, amazing, outstanding baseball players. Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra, etc. You know the names.

Torre had the biggest, most ginormous payroll in baseball history, as Lupica can't stop reminding us. He also had O'Neill, Tino, Bernie, Jeter, Wade Boggs, Pettitte, Key, Cone, Clemens, Mo Rivera, Graeme Lloyd, El Duque, Hideki Irabu, Jorge, Scott Brosius, Homer Bush, Chuck Knoblauch, Chad Curtis, Shane Spencer, the mummified corpse of Glenallen Hill, Jimmy King Leyritz and Halle Berry's ex-husband! So lets not act like Torre managed the Yankees to anything that my fucking Shar Pei couldn't have managed them to.

He is, by all accounts – and starting with his account – thrilled to be in L.A. and thrilled to be a Dodger, even with his young team fighting to stay around .500. Good for him.

The warm weather is probably nice for his old body. And his young team is seriously underachieving, despite a strong pitching staff, good bullpen, and nucleus of GREAT young offensive players (who usually get benched in favor of veteran stiffs.)

Maybe he will win another World Series there, or two, be as big all over again with the Dodgers as Phil Jackson has become with the Lakers.

Probably not. And how many rings has Phil Jackson won without having the hands-down, unquestionably BEST talent in the game?

How many 'St. Louis Cardinals in 2006, how the fuck did they actually win' championships has Jackson won? Here's a clue. The same number that Torre's won. Fucking zero. Stop sucking their cocks. Winning when you should makes you good. Winning when you shouldn't makes you a legend. Wasn't that your point about the 2008 Giants?

Blah blah blah and some meaningless shit about what a nice guy Joe Torre is, even though I personally called for his fucking head every time the Yankees lost for the last 7 years. Now that he's gone, I feel like waxing poetic about the fucking guy because it's another subtle way to criticize the Yankees while ignoring the $140 Million Dollar tank-job that's happening across town.

Well, he might as well have said it.


I keep waiting for the news that Joba's first start has been declared an instant national sports holiday.

And I keep waiting for the Mets to win a World Championship. You've been waiting a couple of weeks. I've been waiting for over 20 fucking years. So shut the fuck up you pudgy, grey-haired, vertically-challenged little cunt.

A year ago at this time the Yankees were trying to keep from falling 15 games behind the Red Sox and this time they are already 10 games closer than that even with all the time that A-Rod missed.

Possible reasons the Yankees are 10 games closer this year:

A) The Red Sox aren't out to a 37-17 start.
B) Joe Torre is willing the Yankees to perform better from Los Angeles as a favor to Joe Girardi.
C) The Yanks are 8-3 since A-Rod came off the DL?
D) The best offensive player in the AL missed a bunch of time with a quad injury.

If you chose D, please slam your face into your computer screen repeatedly. I'll tell you when to stop.

The AL East is better this time around, starting with the Rays.

Did you listen to me? The Red Sox were 37-17 on June 2 last year. The Rays are 35-22. The Rays are not as good as the Sox were last year... and the number of games back is determined solely by relationship to the division leader. So "games back" is probably a shitty way to measure the quality of a division.

If the Mets want to make a run at Kevin Millar sometime this summer, well, that's fine with me.

What? Like if they cut Carlos Degado... and want to replace him with someone who'll give them the EXACT SAME LACK OF PRODUCTION?

Kevin Millar: Age 36. Stats: .236/.330/.379, 8 HR, 26 RBI.
Carlos Delgado: Age 36. Stats: .224/.306/.383, 8 HR, 25 RBI.

It's hard to find two players who's statistics through 200 at bats are that fucking similar. That is actually kind of amazing.

If my man Barry Melrose is coaching the Tampa Bay Lightning, I'm ordering my Lightning cap and T-shirt today.

Your man? Are you coming out of the closet Mike? And another thing... when did you become aware that Hockey is a sport? Did Barry whisper it in your ear last night?

So I'm sort of wondering when my good friend Paul Westphal, who was merely 191-88 his first time around with Phoenix, gets a call from the Suns.

Your good friend Mike? Yeah, Lupica Friends tag added. Just for the record, here are the known definitions of the word "friend" in the Encyclopedia Lupica:

1) Human-shaped plastic or rubber apparatus into which air is blown and is then used for sexual pleasure. See also: Blow-up Doll
2) Fuzzy, stuffed animatronic talking bear. See also: Teddy Ruxpin
3) Anyone who has berated or completely ignored Mike Lupica. See also: Joe Torre, Paul Westphal, John Calipari, Larry Brown, The Spice Girls (shortly after filing the restraining order)

Who's wearing the thong now, Abreu or Cano?

Allow me to rephrase this question.

Who's wearing the thong now, Lupica or Barry Melrose? And what is Jose Reyes going to say when he finds out?