6/22 Shooting From The Lip

I don't even have the energy today to dissect the soft, careful critique that Lupiduck wrote about the Mets and Willie. All I'll say is that the story has been covered from every imaginable angle, including Willie Randolph writing his own perspective on it in the New this week. So just when every possible angle of coverage has been exhausted, here's Lupica to write another page and a half about it. Nothing new. Nothing controversial. Nothing smart. Just the same garbage you've already read. The clock now starts on how long Lupica will continue to talk about the Willie Randolph firing. We're taking bets. The under is September 2011.

I hope the Knicks go for Joe Alexander of West Virginia, just on his nickname alone: Vanilla Sky.

Drafting players based on their nicknames is a terrific way to get a top-flight player. I can see it now!!

David Stern: With the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai!!

Mel Kipper, Jr.: Wow, so the Bulls go a different route with Jawai! I really thought he was a late first rounder. He doesn't have a lot of upside potential, but I don't know. With a nickname like that he's almost got to be successful, doesn't he?

And another thing. Vanilla Sky was a Tom Cruise movie. Am I detecting a bit of short-bias from Lupica here? Tom Cruise is short, Lupica is... well... shorter. These midgets are starting to stick together.

I can't be positive about this, but I think Ray Allen just made another 3.

The reason he can't be positive, is because that would involve actually watching sports, which would interrupt Lupica's busy schedule of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Living Lohan, Denise Richards: It's Complicated and, of course, Celebrity Circus, where Mike Lupica is pulling for his cousin Wee Man.

My man Bob Ryan, Boston Globe, has said for years that Paul Pierce was the most gifted offensive player the Celtics have ever had, and Ryan turned out to be absolutely right.

Welcome to the latest episode of Lupica: My Man! Does it ever get less homoerotic? Nope.

Just for the record though, lets look at this for a second.

Paul Pierce, The Best Offensive Player in Celtics History: 23.1 PPG, 1 NBA title, 0 MVPs.
Larry Bird, The Piece of Shit Prick with a Bad Back: 24.3 PPG, 3 NBA titles, 3 MVPs.

Bob Ryan is a complete fucking moron. He's always been a complete fucking moron. And he's also short. So again, midgets fucking sticking together!!

Phil Jackson did so much scribbling during timeouts in Game 6, I thought he was making diary entries.

And yet Phil Jackson is an 11x NBA Champion, and has won 9 of those trophies as a coach. He's recognized as one of the 10 best coaches in NBA history. So I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that whatever he was scribbling was pertinent to trying to win a basketball game.

I'll tell you one thing that Phil Jackson WASN'T writing. Checks to the refs. Doc Rivers and the Bookies had already taken care of that.

Or starting a to-do list about finding players who don't think playing defense is some sort of parttime job.

It's hard to play defense when one team is being called for hand-check fouls while the other team is allowed to throw closed fists at Black Mamba's head without a whistle.

The Yankees really are in the middle of one of the softest interleague schedules in the history of the known universe: Astros, Padres, Reds, Pirates.

Compared to the Mets, who played the Rangers, the Angels... the Colorado Rockies... and the Mariners. The Angels are tough... but that's not exactly a buzz-saw until the Yankees get to town.

Michael Jordan does not let his team lose the way the Lakers did the other night and neither does LeBron James, and that's that.

Which is why the Cavs beat the Spurs for the NBA title last year!! Because LeBron refused to let his team lose... wait, what? The Cavs got swept in that series!? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about?

Give me the first pick and I pick LeBron every time.

Didn't we already discover in this very article, that Lupica drafts players based on nickname, so all this tells us is that he think "King James" is better than "The Black Mamba." Give me the first pick, and I'd take Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai.

Imagine the howling, from sea to shining sea, if the Celtics had ever quit playing on Doc Rivers the way the Lakers came to a complete screeching halt in Game 6.

You mean kind of the way the Celtics quit on Doc Rivers 10 games into the 2007 season?

Make me see "The Love Guru."

Please go see "The Love Guru." It was the worst piece of shit I ever watched... so you'll probably love it. Plus you can support the work of fellow gnome, Vern Troyer. But this is a weird random statement... even for you. What are you trying to segue into?

Speaking of Sen. Clinton: Where's her husband these days?

How could I not see it coming... this was a segue into a CLINTON JOKE!! Very classy of Lupica to keep beating the dead horse. Hey Mike... she's out of the race. She walked away. Shouldn't you be bashing Barack Obama and John McCain, while touting the candidacy of Hervé Villechaize (aka Tattoo from Fantasy Island)?