An Enough-Lupica-Style Fantasy

Just to show how much we love our readers, and that we listen to you guys, and that we're here to entertain and amuse you guys at the expense of people who piss us off, I'm going to delve into the fiction genre with Mark's idea. Plus it's a really cool idea. For the record, the following is an act of fiction and any similarities to events that have happened... or may *cough-hopefully-cough* happen are purely coincidental.

It was a loud, rambunctious night following a Yankee win over the Chicago Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series, and quite a scene was unfolding across the street from the Ballpark in the Bronx at Billy's, as members of the Yankees television and radio broadcast teams came out in public to join in the celebration. The bar was packed to the gills, when suddenly, in through the front door came Daily News Columnist and Short People's Society President Mike Lupica and his Yankee Friends (a blow-up doll in a Red Sox t-shirt and a Teddy Ruxpin bear.) He headed over to the group of Yankee Broadcasters which included Michael Kay, Suzyn Waldman, Ken Singleton, John Flaherty and John Sterling for an impromptu Sports Reporters-style debate.

As the conversation grew louder and louder, with Mike Lupica climbing onto a table so that his child-like person could be both seen, and heard, the bar began to empty. Real Yankee fans spilled out into the streets to continue their celebration away from the nauseating combination of Kool Aid and criticism.

The group continued their discussion, oblivious to the now-empty bar, so oblivious in fact, that they failed to notice the behemoth-like man in head-to-toe black who had just slipped in through the front door, a ski-mask covering his head, a Louisville Slugger in tow.

"A team with a payroll of exactly $209,157,892.77 should win the World Series every year!" proclaimed Lupica, as he stomped angrily on the bar.

"But oh my goodness gracious!! The only thing that could make this night any better was if Roger Clemens were here!" squealed Waldman!

Lupica screamed, "ROGER CLEMENS USES STERO...." but was unable to finish his sentence, as the dark figure had stalked across the room and swung that mighty wooden bat, knocking Lupica off the bar about 70 feet to the back wall like he was a hanging slider.

"Enough is enough...you guys are all hacks" said Lupica's assailant as he began swinging wildly at Michael Kay's oversized head, which exploded much like a watermelon at one of those shitty Gallagher comedy shows.

Ken Singleton tried to flee the scene, but to no avail as the mysterious figure hurled a baseball, hitting him in the back of the neck and killing him with nothing short of a Joba Chamberlain fastball.

Now it was Flaherty's turn, as Waldman and Sterling cowered behind the former major leaguer, but as the black-hooded man bludgeoned Flaherty something terrible happened! The bat broke!!! However would he manage to kill Waldman and Sterling now!?

Alas, not one to be stopped by a mere broken bat, the man lifted Waldman by her ankles and proceeded to beat John Sterling to death with her melon-fucking-head, also killing Waldman.

He then stalked over to Mike Lupica, who was just regaining consciousness, looking up at the man who would surely be his executioner....

"Wh... why... are you... doing... this.... oh, and by the way, what was Jason Giambi really apologizing for anyway? He never said.... uhhhh... ohh... the pain...." mumbled Lupica through his broken jaw.

The figure stood proudly, looking down at Lupica as he pulled off his hood to reveal a familiar face... it was...

BOBBY MURCER!!!

"I did this because a true Yankee can only listen to your bullshit for so long before he's gotta do something about it. I got a fucking tumor from listening to those assholes for all those years!" said Murcer, "But don't worry... you'll live to tell about this."

Murcer then stomped down on Mike Lupica's skull, crushing it under his powerful foot!!

"NOOOOOT!!!" screamed Murcer in his best Borat voice!!

As the last gasp escaped from Lupicas lungs it formed the word, "Hiiiiilllllllllllllllarrrrrryyyyyyyy.....yyy...."

The End....

Emails Like These Just Warm My Heart.

We just received this email last night from another Lupica hater, Mark M., and it really touched me right here.

This could be the single-greatest website.

Ever.

The only thing missing is a well-thought out plan to beat Sterling to death with Waldman.

The creative ending of the Sterling/Waldman duo was a nice touch.

We want to hear from you freaks! Email us!

Thank you to all the Lupica haters out there!

The New York Mets Payroll is $140 Million Dollars

That's officially the name of every post I write from now on forever. I just want you all to know that. Okay, not really.

As you guys read below, Fafa's too burnt out to take the reigns on this newest nugget of Lupica knowledge, so here I am to take up the good fight against hacky, poorly conceived New York journalism.

Now we will find out if these Met ballplayers are going to be the ones who fire Randolph.

Nope. Omar Minaya's going to fire him... and pray that they start winning, cuz if they don't then he's next. These are his players that are either in decline (Delgado, Alou, Pedro) or underperforming (Reyes, Perez, every Catcher on the Team) or both. Barring something majorly fucking dramatic, Minaya will probably never work in baseball again.

And Monday night, the Mets looked as if they couldn't get a game off a beer-league softball team.

Newsflash to Mike Lupica: They couldn't get a game off a beer-league softball team. They're really shitty. It's not Willie's fault though.

Randolph has been living on the margin since the Mets blew a seven-game lead with 17 games to play last season.

Willie's hitting stats last September: .205/.279/.333, 2 HR, 15 K's, 5 SB, 4 CS
Willie's pitching stats last September: 6 GS, 2-2, 31 IP, 38 H, 21 ER, 6.10 ERA

Waiiiiiit!!! That's right! Willie is the manager! He didn't hit or pitch!!! So who's stats are those? Fuck! Those are the stats for Professor Reyes and Tommy Glavine!!!! Do another dance for me Jose!!!

Let me break this down for everybody out there. The Mets aren't going to get much better than this. You wanna know why? Because their roster is HIGHLY FLAWED. I've listed these reasons before, but I'll do it again. I'll try to be brief.

1) Oliver Perez, Orlando Hernandez, Mike Pelfrey and Nelson Figueroa are not good pitchers. Pedro isn't good any more. Maine is solid. Santana is great. Those other guys can win games when their team scores a lot of runs. But the Mets can't score a lot of runs this year. So those guys can't win much.

2) Reyes has reverted back to an average player. He gets caught stealing too much. He doesn't hit for power and he doesn't get on base enough.

3) Luis Castillo is worthless to a team that already has Reyes leading off. And he walks with a limp.

4) Delgado is a corpse. I'd say the same about Moises Alou, but corpses don't spend that much time on the DL. You carry them out to their position on the field and they don't complain... because they're dead. Alou can't even die peacefully out there.

5) The Mets have given 459 at bats this year to Brian Schneider, Angel Pagan, Damion Easley, Marlon Anderson, Gustavo Molina, Brady Clark, Raul Casanova and Endy Chavez. They've gotten 107 hits for a .233 average and 5 home runs. In other words, they've gotten nothing.

6) Their bullpen is BLEEEECH.

Blaming Willie Randolph for this bunch of crusty old bums and shitty minor leaguers is like blaming Mike D'Antoni if the Knicks don't make the playoffs next season. Even in a perfect world, if he does a perfect job, they're not a very good team.

So yeah, thanks for calling...

Mets Were Bad Last Year - But The 2004 Yankees Were Worse!

Lupica's latest piece of shit is about the Mets, and how Willie Randolph has to win some games. But, as per usual, when Lupica starts writing mean little things about the Mets, he has to remind everyone how much he hates the Yankees.

Look at this stupid paragraph...where the fuck does this fit into the context of the Mets having to win?

We constantly hear that last September was The Worst Collapse in Baseball History. No, it wasn't. The worst collapse, in context, and because of the aftermath, because of who was involved and the way it happened, was the Yankees blowing a 3-0 lead to the Boston Red Sox in the 2004 American League Championship Series.

Ok, look - we all know both the Yankees and the Mets took two big shits in 2004 and 2007. Every douche fan from both sides has tried to explain why the team across town had the worst collapse. Of course, Lupica doesn't say why the Yankees collapse was worse, he just said the Yankees was worse, just because.

Now it's my turn to tell you the reasons why the Mets collapse was easily the worse collapse of the two.

1. The 2004 Yankees collapsed in the ALCS; the Mets died during the regular season. At least the fucking 2004 Yankees made the playoffs. The 2007 Mets were on cruise control, heading straight for the playoffs, until they ran into September.

2. The 2004 Yankees lost to the 2004 World Champion Red Sox; who did the 2007 Mets lose to?
They went 5-8 against the Nationals and Marlins, two teams fighting each other for the worst record in the NL East. Throw in a nice 3 game sweep by the Phillies and you have a $120 million team not even make the playoffs.

3. What would you rather have your team do? Fold in the playoffs to the eventual world series champion, or fold in the last month of the season, to the 2 worst teams in your division?

Please Lupica, try to support your asshole reasoning with facts. You suck, the Mets suck, and the 2007 Mets collapse sucked. Get over it.

***

So after Lupidouche "beat up" on the Mets with kid gloves, he filled the second half of his article with Yankee slams, to obviously appease his golf buddy Fred Wilpon.

Apparently the Yankees have a problem with Ortiz doing this promotion at the All Star game, where he is going to re-enact Babe Ruth's called shot, and this isn't sitting well with the Yankees...

...now they act as if David Ortiz making some promotional swing at the All-Star Game - where four tickets can cost you more than a new car - will somehow be like spray-painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with graffiti.

Luckily, Enough Lupica fan, Mark P., helped me cover this load of bullshit today.

Mark P. wrote this:

OK riddle me this Bozo. It’s a reenactment of the Babe Ruth called shot. Ya think Red Sox fans would be a bit pissed if they had A-Rod reenact the Carlton Fisk Foul Pole Game 6 Home Run?!?!?!?!?! Not to mention the ticket price dig…like Mikey will pay for his and his family if they go. What a loser!

Well said Mark!

Now THIS is funny...watch how Lupica makes himself look like a complete asshole, bashing the Daily News I-Team, for reporting on Clemens and his steroids story...

Our I-Team at the Daily News loves watching its work on Clemens and Pettitte and steroids and all the rest of it consistently get re-packaged and presented as being newer than the new American Idol.

Our guys just think of it as the recycling version of investigative reporting.

The recycling version of investigative reporting!?!?!? THIS IS ALL LUPICA HAS DONE FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!!!! Is he fucking kidding me??!?!

How many fucking times has this dwarf mentioned Clemens and steroids? The Yankees payroll?!?! Isiah Thomas!?!?!? And he's calling out the Daily News I-Team, for doing EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES!?!?!?

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

And people still wonder why I hate this midget. Un-fucking-believable.

The Yankees have now had two pitchers sent to the principal's office for throwing baseballs at people's heads, and Joe Girardi ought to have them stop now, or he's the one who's going to start looking bad.

Right.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have Willie Randolph, who barely defends his players - how's Willie's future looking with the Mets these days?

The 1986 Mets didn't throw at people's heads, but they got into bench clearing brawls on a weekly basis - how did that affect Davey Johnson's credibility?

Where does Lupica come up with this shit? It's not relevant, and it's not even right. It's just bullshit.

Throwing the ball where Farnsworth threw it against Manny and where LaTroy Hawkins threw at Luke Scott the other night is different, and bush league all the way.

Yep, just like the great Pedro used to do the Yankees all the time while he was with Boston. Another story you failed to cover and still forget to mention.

Fuck, this article was so fucking dumb today. I hope Mister Six gets a chance to cover it, because I'm too tired and pissed off to go on.

Fuck you Lupica!

The Lupica Curse Strikes Again!

Last week, Mike Lupica, sportswriter and baseball genius, clued us in on what the Mets really need:

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

Yes, what the Mets need is more big mouths, troublemakers, guys who don't follow the rules...you know, real gamers!

So of course, this is what the great Billy Wagner did last night:



Yes, this is what the Mets need - guys you can bring in in the 9th inning to save the game after losing 4 in a row, and promptly cough up the lead and the save, and possibly Willie Randolph's job.

Funny how Mike brings up ARod's post season failures...when was the last time Lupica mentioned Wagner's post season 8.75 ERA?

Yes Mike, the Mets need more guys like Wagner - he can't pitch in a big spot, but damn he sure has a big mouth! And that's what it takes to win!

In Lupica's world, anyway.

Lupica States the Obvious. And He's STILL Wrong.

Lets get right to work...

This is a dream setting for Alex Rodriguez and a dream entrance, seven months after it seemed he had made the worst and tackiest exit any famous Yankee has ever made.

You know, there were two references made in today's paper about the timing of A-Rod's opt-out (SEVEN MONTHS AGO). And there were two articles by Mike Lupica. Coincidence? Thy name is Dwarf!!!

And also, this is A-Rod's dream setting? His team is under .500, Hughes and Posada are hurt, nobody can hit and it looks pretty bad for the Bombers. And A-Rod's at home jerking off about it? Call me stupid, but I thought the guy wanted to win a championship, not be a hero on a bad team. I don't think this is his dream at all.

He will come riding into Yankee Stadium Tuesday and be greeted as if he's riding Big Brown.

Mike, the only person who rides things that are Big and Brown around here is you. When you're with your boyfriend Moises. After his hernia heals all the way.

The Yankees are now 20-24, same as they were after 44 games last year, and are starting to fall behind the Red Sox again.

Key words here. Same as last year, when we made the playoffs. And the Metsies were in Queens, gagging like a country singer who just hit Roger Clemens' nuts.

I can make Clemens jokes too! Just to fight this pip-squeak on even footing. Touche, Mike Lupica!!

The Yankees are in last place in the AL East and have the third-worst record in the league and are 10th in the league in runs scored.

A-Rod's dream setting indeed.

Girardi and A-Rod's teammates will worry about the Yankee pitching problems later, because there is going to be plenty to worry about, even in a baseball season that already resembles one of those seasons where everybody seems to end up 9-7 in the National Football League.

I bet Girardi's pretty worried about the pitching problems right now. And if your point is that nobody is going to run away with the season, then why is the Yankees bad start such a big deal? And why did you spell out "National Football League?" Mike... we know what the fucking NFL is. Do you honestly think we're all that fucking stupid?

Tuesday, and Wednesday, for the rest of the week, the Yankees just want A-Rod to hit. Or we just talk about whether or not they should have traded for Santana a little more.

We just talk about Santana? Who is this "we?" I don't talk about Santana. Fafa doesn't talk about Santana. Maybe when you say "we", you're referring to Mets fans like yourself. Because Yankees fans are mostly over the Santana trade.

A-Rod had huge numbers last season, the best he has had in New York and ended up MVP of the league.

And you still called him a piece of shit choker every chance you got. Like you're doing right now.

Know who else choked? Billy Wagner with his 16.88 ERA in the 2006 ALCS. Cherry-picked stats are fun.

I can't... I just can't any more. The rest is too fucking stupid. Just too fucking stupid.

Lester Pitches No Hitter; Lupica Nauseates

Last night, cancer survivor Jon Lester of the Red Sox pitched a no hitter against the Royals. It's a great story. Even as a Yankee fan, I still pulled for this guy. I'm glad he was able to beat cancer, and is able to successfully compete in the MLB.

Unfortunately, I had to read about this in yet another stupid ass Lupica article.

You go through a lot of stories about steroids and all the rest of it to get to one like this.

Yeah, a lot of stories about steroids...by Mike Lupica! How many fucking lame articles were written by this dwarf about steroids?! I'm guessing 200 million.

At what point will this midget asshole see we are all trying to get past steroids? Fuck, we still hear about Giambi's "non apology" on a weekly basis by this tool FIVE FUCKING YEARS LATER!!!!

So here now on television was Josh Beckett, the ace of the Red Sox staff, putting his arms around Lester and quietly saying, "Unbelievable," with maybe one extra adjective thrown in for good measure.

2008 Red Sox Starting Pitchers:

Dice K - 2.15 ERA
Jon Lester - 3.41 ERA
Tim Wakefield - 4.33 ERA
Josh Beckett - 4.67 ERA
Clay Buchholz - 5.53 ERA

Shouldn't the team "ace" have a better ERA than the rest of the staff? His ERA is more than 2.5 runs worse than Dice K's.

Mikey, save the "ace" label for someone that has an ERA less than 4. Please. Stop embarrassing yourself, you dopey asshole.

Congrats to Jon Lester.

Update on Lupica's Acehole Beckett

Since Lupica triumphantly proclaimed Josh Beckett as "the kind of pitcher the Mets hope Johan Santana can be," this is how he has done.

Beckett Stats Since April 27

IP - 34.2
ERA - 4.41
HR - 8

Wow! That Beckett sure is an Ace!

How'd he do last night against the Milkwaukee Brewers, 18th in the league in runs, 27th in the league in BA?

IP - 7
ER - 6
HR - 4
Game ERA - 7.71

Talk about the Lupica Curse!

Nice job, asshole!

Bloggin' From The Lip!!

Yup, that's what we're callin' this today! Bloggin' from the Lip! We're gonna shoot down Mike Lupica's fun facts and random comparisons like fish in a barrel! Woo hoo! Aren't you excited? Lets get right to brass tacks gentlemen (and all 3 ladies who are reading this):

Bill Belichick talking about an old video assistant of his named Matt Walsh suddenly sounds like Roger Clemens talking about an old trainer of his named Brian McNamee.

Are you sure Mike? Are you sure he didn't sound like Jason Giambi giving "The Apology"? Or like Andy Pettitte confessing about using a little bit of HGH when he really used a lot? You know who Bill Belichick definitely DOESN'T sound like? Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden apologizing for snorting the Mets chance at a dynasty in the late 1980's. Because they never talked about that.

Matt Walsh may not be one of nature's noblemen. Neither was Jose Canseco.

Lupica's entire premise here is to compare Belichick videotaping defensive signals to steroids in baseball. Because everything is about fucking steroids in baseball. Literally everything. Here's an average conversation between Mike Lupica and one of those so-called "friends" he always claims to have.

Imaginary Friend: Hey Mike Lupica!
Mike Lupica: Hi Imaginary Friend!!
IF: So what do you think of those Tampa Bay Rays! In first place! Ha ha!!
ML: Yeah! It's like they're on steroids or something!!
IF: *sigh* Lets talk about something else... you see that Matt Walsh came out of the closet?
ML: Yeah! Just like when Jose Canseco told us about steroids in baseball!!
IF: *bangs head into wall* Yeah... so Hillary still won't drop out of the Democratic primaries...
ML: She's just like Roger Clemens... refusing to admit that he took steroids!
IF: *kills self with imaginary gun*
ML: Dammit! That's the fourteenth imaginary friend this week! They're dropping like baseball players on steroids!!

Now Belichick goes after Walsh the way Clemens went after McNamee, the way Clemens is still after McNamee.

Really? Belichick is suing Walsh for defamation of character? No? Then I guess it's nothing like the way Clemens is going after McNamee.

No one is suggesting that this kind of cheating is as systemic as drug cheating became in baseball over the last 15 years.

No one is suggesting that I go and masturbate on the salad bar at Wendy's either. What's your fucking point? And what's so "systemic" about a bunch of guys taking steroids? Do you think it was some kind of covert operation? Like a Rambo movie? To liberate the Stanozolol from North Vietnam? Hahaha... you can't have Stanozolol without a great big LOL!!

***

I love the 3 asterisks. They make me happy.

People can bounce Billy Wagner all over town for some of the things he's said in the past and some of the things he said this week.

Oh, you mean because he tore up a teammate for the second time in like 2 weeks? And he's basically got a reputation as the White Gary Sheffield? And that he's throwing teammates under the bus to boost rating for his radio show?

But there is a little bit of Yogi in Wagner, in this way:
No matter how it comes out, you always know exactly what he means.

Umm... what? Fuck... you're really going to defend him again? Seriously?

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

More guys like Wagner? I want to help. So here's a list of team-first guys who are currently out of work. I'm sure each of them could help the Mets despite their age and injuries, because it's about personality!

Rickey Henderson, Albert Belle, Carl Everett, Jose Offerman (Once his probation ends), Roger Clemens, John Rocker, Jose Canseco.

That's seven more guys like Wagner. The Mets will never lose again. Unless Albert Belle eats David Wright... then it could get ugly.

Hillary Clinton is no longer running for President, she's running for Vice President.

I really think we're about a week away from learning that Hillary Clinton took steroids. There's no other reason for Lupica to talk about her so much. Look at the guys he talks about: Clemens, Giambi, Pettitte, Isiah Thomas, A-Rod, Hillary Clinton. Steroids, Steroids, Steroids, Crack-Rock, accused of steroids (by Canseco, who might be motivated to lie by money, the fact that A-Rod fucked his wife, etc.), ???

So she took 'roids, right Mike?

It comes out now that Jason Giambi likes to wear a gold thong when he's trying to come out of a hitting slump, and I'm pretty sure Congressman Vito Fossella does the same thing.

Mike? Are you upset that they don't make thongs in your size? I think you are. I think you're just jealous because while Jason Giambi and Vito Fossella get to try on big boy underwear, you're still stuck wearing your Batman Underoos.

But yeah... the thong story was a little weird. Especially that he shares it with other guys. I don't share a TAXI with other guys...

Finally, a writer shits on the Mets!

Ever wonder what an objective article about the Mets looks like? (This question is for Lupica.)

This article by Phil Mushnick of the Post warmed my heart, especially after the Mets beat us yesterday.

Let's count how many time he takes a steaming dump on these slackers...

The Mets, since at least the Mike Piazza days, have been a minimalist team.

One.

It's the least they can do.

Two.

And though it's a recidivist and self-evident truth, what you see is apparently just your imagination, yours and a few in the media.

No doubt directed at Lupica.

Mets are always on first base when they should be on second;

Three.

they seldom pressure outfielders to make a frantic throw, the wild one that would place that Mets runner, the one who should have been on second, on third.

Four.

Win or lose, they regularly get out-hustled and out-fundamentaled.

Five.

They neither play nor think hard.

Six.

And then, older but no wiser, they go out there and do it again.

Seven.

The Mets attach the names of precious metals to their ticket pricing - platinum, gold, silver - but they mostly play with hearts and heads of tin.

Eight.

Last season, they colossally blew the season because they lost games to indifferent and thoughtless play.

Nine.

At season's end, Willie Randolph dismissed such an assessment as "media fodder." But what Randolph calls fodder is real.

In the top of the first of Game 1 of this season, there were two out when Carlos Delgado's wind-blown fly to center fell. But as SNY's Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez duly noted, Luis Castillo, jogging from first, already had surrendered, thus he made third instead of home. Here we go again.

Ten.

And here we are again. If there's a game-winning, season-changing lesson to be learned, it's always lost on the Mets.

Eleven.

Thursday, in a 0-0 game, two outs and Castillo at first, David Wright hit a high fly down the right-field line. Castillo and Wright jogged it out. And when the ball was dropped and the play ended, Wright was at first instead of second, and Castillo, again, was at third instead of scoring. Mets baseball, the Mets being Manny.

Twelve.

Hernandez, who six weeks ago noted that Castillo's two-out jog cost the Mets a 1-0 lead, this time said, "It's a lesson learned." No it isn't.

Thirteen.

And in SNY's post-game, Cohen, Hernandez and Ron Darling incredibly joined Randolph in semi-absolving Castillo, all suggesting that he might not have scored anyway. Good grief, he could have scored skipping hard!

Fourteen.

Regardless, neither Castillo nor Wright minimally forced the last-place Nationals to panic, to make an act-fast throw.

With one out in the bottom of the ninth, the game ended when Carlos Beltran was doubled off third after a line drive to first. Why, with one out, he was heading home on a line drive as opposed to only a ground ball to the right side - if a line drive gets through, he easily scores - never even came up.

There was no fundamentally good reason for Beltran to be breaking for home on a line drive. New York Mets lost, 1-0. Yeah, media fodder.

Holy shit! That was fucking brutal! Watch out Phil, Lupica's gonna go Van Gundy on you!

Thank you for making my day, Phil! There's at least one writer in NY that isn't full of shit!

Fun Fact We'll Never See From Lupica

We all know how Lupica loves to throw his worthless "fun facts" in our face, by cherry picking some stupid stat that makes some Red Sox player look better than some Yankees player.

So here is today's fun fact that Lupica would never acknowledge...

Mike Mussina
6-3, 3.99 ERA

Josh "Ace" Beckett
4-5, 4.21 ERA

Suck on that, Lupidick!

How did Lupica's bitch do last night?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What Did I Miss While On Vacation?

I'm assuming Lupica wrote a great article about Mariano, having 10 saves and still hasn't given up a run.

Or something about Cano, starting to hit again.

Maybe something about Rasner, a young pitcher finally coming through for the Yankees?

Let's see...

Sunday, May 4th - "Yankee Stadium Prices Are Insane!"
Tuesday, May 6th - "Rocket throws a curve, but we need one right down the middle"
Saturday, May 10th - "For Andy Pettitte, No Clear Sailing"
Sunday, May 11th - "Mike D'Antoni has stiff task ahead leading Isiah Thomas' stiffs"

To recap...SAME OLD BULLSHIT.

Yankee prices, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, and Isiah Thomas...holy shit!

And, what a surprise - NOTHING ABOUT SPORTS.

Let's tackle this one smelly turd at a time...


May 4th

There is a guy I know who has tickets behind the Yankee dugout, has had them for awhile.

Lupica poetry at its finest.

Last season each seat cost $150 per game. This season, because it is the last season at the old Yankee Stadium, the cost went up to $250.

"I told my friends who are going this season, ‘Enjoy yourselves, because you'll never be this close again,'" my friend said Saturday.

First of all, and I've said this before, no self-respecting Yankee fan would ever talk to low life Lupica.

So Lupica, is this the same "friend" who said this in December?

"The Yankees will never rebuild from within until this Steinbrenner is suspended."

Remember that article, when you bashed the Yanks for considering breaking the bank for Santana?

What happened? Oh right - the METS broke the bank for Santana, in a deal the "Mets had to close".

Way to be in touch with Yankee fans, Mike. Your "friend" is just as retarded as you are.

Where is the article about the Mets ripping off their fans?

Oh, here it is! Except it's not from Phil Mushnick, not Lupica.

Surprise.

You wonder why Yankee fans don't care what Johan Santana or anybody else on the field costs?

Um, because Johan Santana is a Met?

Next week The Today Show is going to do a week-long series called, "Where in the world is Robinson Cano?"

Since May 4th...

Robinson Cano .364 BA, 2 HR, 4 RBI
Jose Reyes .222 BA, 0 HR, 3 RBI

Well, we know where Robinson Cano has been.

Where has Reyes been? Lupica's bed perhaps?

May 6th

"I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans," Clemens continued, and right there you wanted to ask him what exactly he was apologizing for, but by now it's clear that he doesn't do well with any kind of cross-examination once he's given his name.

No, I'm not gonna defend Clemens. He's got issues. Issues that Lupica feels necessary to point out in every goddamn column he writes. It's old to everyone taller than 5'-6".

This is the kind of apology that Jason Giambi originally gave when his testimony about using steroids, offered in front of the BALCO grand jury, was leaked to a newspaper.

Here we go again with the Giambi apology.

EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR LUPIDICK KNOWS WHY HE APOLOGIZED.

Get over it Mikey!!!

You should be asking why the fuck did the Mets re-sign Mota after testing positive for steroids! We're still waiting for that article!

Giambi sat there at Yankee Stadium with Joe Torre and Brian Cashman and he apologized that day, even though he never said for what, once you could see how broken up he was about being a "distraction" to his teammates.

Step away from reality TV and PLEASE start reporting on SPORTS, not non-sports related shit that happened 5 years ago!

May 10th

I'm just going to assume that since Yankee announcers think Joba's dance moves are swell after a strikeout they'll keep themselves under control the next time Manny Ramirez poses after a home run as if he's in a photo shoot for Annie Leibowitz.

Did everyone notice when Joba threw near Youkilis' head last year, the Dick said it was "bush league?"

And when Farnsworth threw behind Manny's head a couple of weeks ago, Lupica shit all over the Yankees for it?

What has he said in the past about Manny standing at home plate, admiring his home runs?

"Good news at the Stadium! The last one Manny hit off Mussina just landed underneath the Avis sign in left."

Manny has been showboating since forever, and you have never called him out on it.

Jeez, does an athlete have to play in New York for you to shit all over him?

How about giving props to players instead of "reporting" on the same tired themes, Mike? Fuck, I even get email from Mets fans who hate you!

And who the FUCK is Annie Leibowitz?!

Get your fucking head out of your ass, or get the fuck out of New York. You are a miserable little tool who has no fans, no friends, and no life.

Piling On!! Fuck yeah!!!

I told you all about my hero, Daniel A. McBride, who wrote into Voice of the People and shredded their main Midget Mike Lupica... well... guess what!!!

Make it two days in a fucking ROW!!! And a new hero at Enough-Lupica!

Inquiring mind

Manhattan: Mike Lupica, would you please tell us all why you hate the Yankees so much (and the Republican Party, for that matter, too)?
Please?

Tim Cunningham

Timmy Cunningham, you write in and let me know that you're seeing this and you, me, Fafa and Daniel McBride are gonna go out and get fucking shitfaced to celebrate!

To everybody else, keep up the good work. Bombard the News, let them know that you all hate this guy... show Lupica what happens to little Yankee bashers in the Big City.

Hate Mike Lupica? You're Not Alone...

Daniel A. McBride is my new fucking hero! Daniel, if you're reading this, you seriously need to write in and let us know, because I want to buy you a drink or something. I'm not even kidding.

Who's Daniel A. McBride? He's the guy who wrote in to The Daily News and had his opinion published in the "Voice of the People" section. Here's what Mr. McBride had to say.

Yawn
Massapequa, L.I.: Will someone inform Mr. High and Mighty Mike Lupica that there are other things going on in the sports world besides Roger Clemens? We get it, Mike. You don't like him. Please move on to your millionth tired article about the Yankees' payroll.

Daniel, if I was a gay man, I'd proposition you for sex. Hell... if you take me up on the drink offer, I might proposition you for sex anyway. Okay, that's a joke, but you get what I'm saying.

This guy hammered Lupica... not only for constantly writing about Roger Clemens... but for writing the same boring articles about the Yankees payroll over and over too!!

Maybe now that this has been said IN THE PAPER, the editors in the sports department will REALIZE that Mike's been submitting the same 5 articles for the last 10 years, and demand something new from him. Don't they realize that he's freeloading for a paycheck?

Daniel, you the man.

I Love Being Proven Right....

Did I tell you guys yesterday that Lupica has a fucking Roger obsession? Did he prove me right? I swear to fucking Christ, if this arrogant little prick isn't the most predictable force in ignorant sports journalism, I'll be fucked by a gorilla.

I don't know what I find more disgusting. The idea of Roger Clemens having sexual relations with a 15 year old girl...

Or the image of Mike Lupica masturbating furiously to pictures of The Rocket every time some new fact comes out in this page, as he moans things like, "Oh yeah Roger... you naughty boy. If you keep being so naughty I'll be as cool as Mitch Albom!!" and spraying his little dwarven seed all over his word processor.

Without even reading this article, I'm sure of three things.

1) Lupica will make a reference to politics, most likely the Clintons.
2) Lupica will make a reference to Jason Giambi.
3) There will be some obscure reference to pop culture from 25 years ago that nobody gets, but it will nevertheless become a central concept of the column.

So here we go...

So now he comes out with an apology about nothing, an artless, pathetic combination of lawyering and agenting that makes Clemens sound like Bill Clinton saying he did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.

And here's item number 1 on the checklist.

Bill Clinton didn't have sex with that woman. He let her hold his cigar. Does this really have anything to do with Roger Clemens? Nope.

This is the kind of apology that Jason Giambi originally gave when his testimony about using steroids, offered in front of the BALCO grand jury, was leaked to a newspaper.

Bingo! That's two out of three!!

For the six thousandth time Mike, everybody knew what Giambi was apologizing for. His confession to a Grand Jury was leaked to the papers. Giambi's vagueness was for the purpose of protecting the three years and about $60 Million that remained on his contract. And Giambi never really "lied" about taking drugs.

Clemens is lying about doping. And lying about screwing a 15-year old. And probably lying about 7,000 other things. And he was vague because he doesn't want to get sued. Regardless, this situation is very fucking different. You're the only one who doesn't understand that Mike.

There is a book that Dan Jenkins wrote called "Baja Oklahoma," and in it Jenkins lists his 10 stages of drunkenness. And the last two could apply to almost anything, to being drunk with power or celebrity or ego or even being President of the United States. On Jenkins' list No. 9 is invisible and 10? No. 10 is bulletproof.

I don't want to brag or boast... but "Baja Oklahoma" was published in 1981. That makes it roughly 27 years old. Now lets see if it becomes a recurring theme in the article. All we have to do is skip to the end...

He still thinks he is bulletproof. He's not. He must have thought that once he started swinging away, nobody else would swing back. That's not the way it works.

Emphasis is, of course, mine. Stage 10 of drunkenness according to Dan Jenkins' 27-year old book comes back again. Roger thinks he's bulletproof. That's stage 10!!!! Woo hooo!!

Here's my question. What in fucking hell do these 10 stages of drunkenness have to do with Roger Clemens? Is Lupica suggesting that Clemens is drunk?

Well, that would be the most reasonable explanation so far for why he started sticking it to a 15-year old girl.... guys do some crazy shit when they're drunk.

www.enough-vacations.com?

As you all know, Fafa's on vacation, which means that I'm in charge around here! I can say and do whatever I want! If I were so inclined, I could tackle politics or religion. I could enlighten you all about my personal views on gay marriage. Or I could explain my fool-proof argument for why Rudy Giuliani should be euthanized. But instead I think I'll just complain about crappy sports writing.

I think Mike Lupica might have gone on vacation too, because today's shitty Yankee-bashing Daily News article comes from the usually tolerable, Bill Madden! I don't hate you Bill, but you shit the bed on this one.

Well, I guess this is it and there's nothing left but to accept it: We have come to the end of the Phil Hughes-Ian Kennedy era.

Yeah, I mean... since they both suffered career-ending injuries over the weekend. I guess we can just kiss them goodbye. We'll always have September 2007 though. Wait a second... you mean neither one of them is dead? Or terribly harmed? Then what the fuck is Bill talking about?

Who could have possibly seen it coming? And yet, here we are, the first week of May, and the two whiz-kid starting pitchers, on whose sturdy right shoulders GM Brian Cashman had invested not just his reputation but the whole 2008 Yankee season, are both out of the rotation with no timetable for any return.

So wait... the Hughes-Kennedy era is over because of a bad April? Two first-rounders made a total of 9 bad starts, and one of them broke a rib... and we're done with those assholes forever? And the season is over? That's some really fucked up shit. I hope Bill's exaggerating.

The road from the Bronx to Columbus and Scranton over the years is littered with the broken spirits and dreams of young pitchers developed and hyped by the Yankees only to be abruptly discarded upon meeting failure at the big league level.

Wait, I know this song! I'll cut in with the chorus now!

I walk alone, I walk alone. I walk alone, I walk a--- MY SHADOW'S THE ONLY ONE WHO... Shit, I got carried away for a second. So we're not singing Green Day songs?

Who are these hyped, developed prospects who turned out to be busts? Over the years, we've brought up some minor leaguers. Matt DeSalvo, Tyler Clippard, Chase Wright, Christian Parker, Alex Graman, Jeff Karstens, and guys like that have been mostly bad. But none of them were heralded prospects, or guys we expected to develop into rotation mainstays. They were spot-starters and dudes we hoped could contribute a little.

An organization hyping Brandon Claussen in the hopes of dealing him at some point in the future for a quality player is one thing. Refusing to deal Hughes and Kennedy for the best pitcher in baseball is totally another thing. I think Bill Madden is asserting that the Yankees believed their own hype or something. The fact is that Hughes was the top-rated pitching prospect in baseball according to numerous non-New York-based sources. Everybody loved him. Most of those people STILL love him.

Of course, Cashman is not about to put Hughes and Kennedy, former No. 1 draft picks, in that category. (The category of busts)

Of course he's not. Because Hughes and Kennedy have made a total of NINE. BAD. STARTS. IN. FUCKING. APRIL.

As for Hughes and Kennedy, the much-hyped No. 1's, Hughes is said to be out at least until July with his stress fracture, while Kennedy probably will to have to string together at least four or five good starts in the minors - like Rasner did - before he gets the Yankees' attention again.

So Hughes is gone until he's healthy. Then he'll rehab and come back. And Kennedy's gone until he gets his shit together a little bit.

And that signifies the END of the Hughes/Kennedy ERA? It sounds like they're both going away for a short period of time, and then coming back again. So again I ask... are you exaggerating a little bit Bill?

Just to put the Hughes/Kennedy struggles into perspective, here are some game lines.

Mystery Player A
1) 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 1 BB, 2 K
2) 8 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7H, 2 BB, 2 K
3) 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 H, 5 BB, 8 K
4) 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 4 H, 6 BB, 4 K
5) 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, 6 BB, 2 K
6) 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, 3 BB, 0 K

Oh my god! Mystery Player A started out good... and then regressed. And then lost his confidence and got scared to throw strikes! His career must surely have gone down the tubes from there!!! Who could he be?!

John Fucking Smoltz. That's who. At age 21, Smoltz went 2-7 with a 5.48 ERA and a 1.672 WHIP. He was dogshit, but he took his lumps and developed into a pretty good major league pitcher.

Mystery Player B
1) 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 9 K
2) 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, 1 BB, 8 K
3) 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K
4) 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 H, 4 BB, 5 K
5) 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 H, 1 BB, 1 K
6) 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 H, 1 BB, 2 K

This guy is fucking awesome! Wow! I bet that's like Greg Maddux or Sandy Koufax's first 6 games! Wow! The guy didn't even give up a run in 4 of his first 6 outings!! Who could he be?

The answer is Zach Duke. He went 8-2 with a 1.81 ERA as a rook. Since then, he's 13-25 with A 4.82 ERA.

Six starts is a very small sample size. It proves absolutely nothing about how good or bad a baseball player is, or will be in the future.

Some of the best and most memorable pitchers in the history of baseball have started their careers poorly. And some of the worst/most forgettable guys have shot out to fast starts and faded away. Only time is going to tell how good Hughes, Kennedy and Chamberlain will be.

Bill Madden exaggerated a lot in his article. He never admitted it. I'm sad for Bill.

Shooting Myself in the Face...

First and foremost, I want to say that I'm surprised at the topic of this week's "Shooting from the Lip." There's a new Clemens scandal, and we all know about Lupica's "Roger" fascination. But instead, he decides to write about the prices at Yankee Stadium. Screw the long intro, here we go.


There is a very good reason why most Yankee fans don't care how much their team spends on baseball players.

26 World Championships? 39 Pennants? 47 Playoff Appearances? George Steinbrenner winning the National Football Foundation's Gold Fucking Medal? Come on, you thought I wasn't going to reference that every chance I got?

One of the best reasons is that their team keeps asking them - at least the most well-heeled of them - to spend more and more to help pay the freight.

Umm... what? We don't care how much our team spends on players because the team asks us to pay the freight? This makes no fucking sense. These two sentences mean: I don't care how much you spend on players... as long as I'm the one actually paying for it!!! Please, if anybody understands the correlation Lupica's trying to make... e-mail me and explain it. I'm fucking lost. Seriously. And it's upsetting me.

There is a guy I know who has tickets behind the Yankee dugout, has had them for awhile.

Come on Mike, tell us who he is. Give us a name, I dare you for two reasons. (1) I think you're full of shit. I don't think you know anybody who goes to Yankee games. I think you googled some prices so you could bitch about them. (2) If you do, in fact, have a 'friend' sitting behind the plate at Yankee games, I want to know his identity so we can have security ban him from the building. He's fucking up our karma.

Lupica writes a bunch more, detailing the cost increases of Yankee premier ticket plans... but really, what's the fucking point of all this?

Are you telling me that the Mets didn't raise prices after inking Santana to $151M? And they're not going to raise them even more when they move into Shiti Field next year? The Mets have been a laughing stock in baseball for longer than they've been respectable, they're coming off the biggest collapse in late-September history, and they still raised prices.

Part of what you're paying for at Yankee Stadium, is the brand. The New York Yankees are the Calvin Klein Versace Tommy Hilfiger Prada Jackie Chan Marlon Brando D&G of baseball.

The Mets are something like this.

Point is, Lupica meanders on about the prices of seats around the new Yankee Stadium for a page and a half... and then drops this nugget again.

You wonder why Yankee fans don't care what Johan Santana or anybody else on the field costs?
The seats closest to the field are as good place to start as any.

So again, Lupica's entire point is: Yankee fans don't care how much players cost... because the more money the Yankees spend on players, the more expensive tickets will get. You nailed it on the head Mike. I hope the Yankees sign Darren Erstad to a 80 year, $6.4 Trillion dollar contract! Then I can spend the GNP of Liechtenstein on bleacher seats! Hooray!!!

***

Rusty Hardin, the Isiah of lawyers, still wants what's happening to Roger Clemens to be the media's fault and not his fault.

You know, Clemens isn't the only Roger that Lupica is obsessed with. For the record though, how is it Rusty Hardin's fault that Clemens did steroids and boffed a 15-year old girl? Are you trying to tell me that this is the sort of legal advice that Rusty Hardin gives?

Clemens: I'm totally going to get sued Rusty. I just hit a parked car. What should I do?

Rusty: Well Roger, if I were you, I'd do some steroids and boff a 15-year old girl.

Clemens: How's that going to help with me getting sued for hitting a parked car?

Rusty: How the hell should I know. I just want to do steroids and boff 15-year old girls! Giggity-giggity-goo!!! Alllllright!!!

The hot romance between Phil Hughes and a whole bunch of Yankee fans has cooled at a record pace, even for the big bad city.

Yeah, I know, right? The fucking nerve of that scumbag Phil Hughes to have a shitty April and break a rib! Phil Hughes is a selfish douchebag! And to think, just two weeks ago I got slapped with a restraining order for masterbating outside his apartment because I was so in love with him!!

You know what Billy Wagner did when he spoke up about Oliver Perez the other day?

Created a gigantic clubhouse rift? Fucked up team chemistry? Earned the nickname, "The White Gary Sheffield"? Made the author of this page cry?

He spoke for pretty much all Mets fans.

Fuck the heck!?

Next week The Today Show is going to do a week-long series called, "Where in the world is Robinson Cano?"

He's in Liechtenstein with Carlos Beltran! As reader, Mark P. was kind enough to point out, Cano has only 3 hits less than Beltran (and the same number of homers). Except that Beltran earns enough money to sit in the premium seats at the New Yankee Stadium! Carlos Delgado's really tearing it up lately too.

Maybe it's April, and Cano is traditionally a slow starter. Or maybe he's hiding in a cave in Uzbekistan.

Something That Bothers Me...

I don't have an article to tear up today. I wish I did. The last column I saw from Lupica actually put some heat on the Mets, albeit for all the wrong reasons, but I guess I can't bitch too much about that. What's bothering me today, is the fact that Michael Ignacious David Gary Eliot Thomas Lupica (M.I.D.G.E.T. for short) won the Jim Murray award in 2003.

For those of you who don't keep up with obscure sportswriting awards, the Jim Murray Award is given out by the National Football Foundation every year, to outstanding sportswriters. Turns out that the National Football Foundation gives out a few different awards (the highest honor of which, is the Gold Medal, but more on that later.)

Reasons Lupica Winning This Award Bothers Me:

1) Lupica hasn't written anything intelligent in at least 12 years, yet won an award in 2003.
2) Lupica hasn't written about football, except to tell us that Tom Coughlin should be fired, in about 8 years.
3) I just googled "Jim Murray Award Recipients" and found abso-fucking-loutely NOTHING. Seriously, is this a real award? Or does Mikey just edit his own Wikipedia page to include obscure, unverifiable shit like this?

But back to that National Football Foundation Gold Medal stuff that I promised. This part's actually interesting!

Seven U.S. Presidents, Four U.S. Generals, a Supreme Court Justice, and a slew of cool/important fuckers have received this thing, including Dwight D. Eisenhower, Douglas MacArthur, Herbert Hoover, JFK, John Wayne, Jack Kemp, Jackie Robinson, Red McCombs, Roger Staubach and Joe Paterno.

And guess who else won one. Yup, you guessed it. George M. Steinbrenner, III.

Gold. Fucking. Medal.

Just try and top that Lupica.