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Monday, August 25, 2008

Wright Time For Another September Collapse! Oh, And The Mets Payroll is Over $140 Million Dollars!!

Somebody mentioned throwing up in their mouth in the comments of the last post. Here's what made me throw up in my mouth.

Yup, it's more Met gush.

There are no victory laps for the Mets, not after last September and not before this September even begins.

Oh, you mean because their bullpen is already in shambles, and baseball's oldest team has a new injury every day?

Jerry Manuel, who has done some job here, tells anybody who will listen that you don't forget what happened last year, you learn from it and you use it.

Yeah, Jerry Manuel's really turned things around! He's hit like 30 homers, OPS'd 1.200, and pitched the Mets to 10 wins since he took over for Willie Randolph! What? He hasn't played a game? And he's probably a worse manager? Are you serious? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about? I guess he means when Manuel threatened to stab Reyes. That really lit a fire under them.

David Wright is no sure thing to be the MVP of the National League even if the Mets finish the job this time in the National League East.

You're damned right he's no sure thing!! He's batting .293/.386/.524 (OPS+ 141) with 25 homers... which, don't get me wrong, isn't bad at all.

But Albert Pujols is batting .359/.467/.639 (OPS+ 190) and has 28 homers in WAYYYYY less at bats. Not to mention that he's struck out 44 times... the entire year. For all the sick, crazy years this guy's had, this one is possibly the best, especially when he's been doing it with one good arm.

Lance Berkman's OPSing 1.061 so far. Matt Holliday is at 1.021. Chase Utley and Ryan Ludwick are tearing it up. Ryan Braun has 32 homers and 72 extra base hits. Brandon Webb is 19-4 with a 166 ERA+, and if he finishes with 22 or 23 wins, should get some votes...

David Wright, while having a good year, isn't legitimately in the TOP FIVE for MVP this year. Sorry David. Especially not on a $140M+ team with Beltran, Delgado, Reyes and all the other guys who are supposed to be legitimate major league hitters.

This is the way your stars are supposed to produce, when your team needs them the most, and the Mets needed Wright this season as much as they ever have.

As opposed to Pujols, who's shitty Cardinals are in last place because he only hits when it doesn't count, like in batting practice!!

Ermm... wait.... what?! They have a better record than the Mets?! You have to be fucking kidding me. Their starting rotation involves Kyle Loshe, Braden Looper, Todd Wellemeyer and Joel Piniero. They've only gotten 3 starts from Chris Carpenter! They've got more damaged goods on that pitching staff than Hugh Hefner has in the Playboy Mansion! Yes, I'm talking about you Kendra!!

So you talk about Delgado, you talk about Jose Reyes, who has been one of the best players in town this season even if people would still rather talk about what he doesn't do or can't do instead of what he does for the Mets, day in and day out.

Delgado is actually having a solid year... and he proved me wrong, because I said he was dead. Reyes is actually having the best year of his career. His 122 OPS+ is better than in 2006, when everybody loved to salivate over his speed. The steals are down, but the extra base hits are there, and the main knock against Reyes was his OBP... which is sitting at a solid .359.

Fernando Tatis is having the most fluky career revival I've ever seen and has 10 homers and a 123 OPS+. Mike Pelfrey has actually decided to pretend he's a major league pitcher for a while. Whatever... the Mets have the highest payroll in the NL. Why are we even discussing this. They're supposed to be good. It's not all because of Wright. So why is this article centered on him?

But he has been the big player for the Mets at third that Alex Rodriguez has not yet been for the Yankees, despite A-Rod's numbers in a season of his own that has been shortened by injuries.


Sorry, I was banging my face into the keyboard. How could I be so blind? It had to be about attacking A-Rod.

A-Rod this year: .312/.402/.590 (OPS+ 160) with 28 homers in 407 at bats. He was hurt, he missed time, and he's been a fucking beast. Jason Giambi's batted .205 with RSIP. Why doesn't anybody EVER write an article about him? EVER?! Because it's more fun to fuck with the best player in the AL. I can't do this. I just fucking can't any more. Seriously, I'm done.

Hey Lupica! You're right! A-Rod is a fucking asshole. He sucks!! You win!! I can't continue to preach the same argument about looking at the numbers and VERY OBVIOUSLY SEEING that this guy is a freak of nature the likes of which the game has NEVER SEEN BEFORE EVER! I just can't. So you win.

You look at the left side of the Mets' infield over the season that has been played so far, especially the youth there, and once again ask a fair question about which guys you want on your side over the next few years in baseball, Wright and Reyes or A-Rod and Jeter.

Would you rather have two 12+ year vets... or two guys in their mid 20's!! WOW MIKE!!

Why don't you go ask Met fans if they'd rather have Jeter, and have won the World Series in 1996, 1998, 1999 and 2000... or Wright and Reyes and their youth.

I bet you 9 out of 10 Met fans would trade Wright and Reyes for the 2000 World Championship STRAIGHT UP. And then the Yankees would have Wright, Reyes, A-Rod AND Jeter!! HAHAHAAH!!!! Prove me wrong!!!

"I just love to win," he says. "You can have the stats and all the rest of it. I just want to win."

David Wright really said that? Hmm... he might be on his way to the Yankees on his own then... because he's not going to win shit in Flushing.

Fuck the rest of this article. Onto the blurbs!!!!

You can say this about Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware, who has been as tough and fearless talking about the war in Iraq as anybody in the Senate and not afraid to admit mistakes: From now until the end of this campaign, people certainly are going to know he's in the hall.

That's why I read the sports section of the NY Daily News! So that I can keep my finger on the pulse of the political agendas of liberal dwarves!!! Thank you Mike!! Without your insight, I'd have nothing to chat about with my co-workers. By the way, my co-workers are all Smurfs.

But I never did understand why Omega was initially reluctant to show the underwater video images of Phelps' amazingly close call with Milorad Cavic of Serbia in the 100-meter butterfly and why swimming's governing body, FINA, was no better than Omega.

I kept watching that hold-your-breath finish along with everybody else watching that night on television and I thought Phelps touched the wall first.

Well why weren't you at the Olympics then Mike? If your EYES are on the job, we don't even NEED to time the races!! You can just WATCH everybody, and let us know if YOU THINK they went fast enough to set a World Record!! You can reminisce about when you saw Carl Lewis run, and tell us that there's just no way that Bolt is faster than Carl Lewis!!

Let me explain this as clearly as I can. Nobody in this world, anywhere, in any country, give a flying fuck about your eyes, Mike. We don't care what you see, or what you think you see. You're just an asshole with a sports column in a newspaper. You're not the authority on anything. So just because YOU THOUGHT that Michael Phelps touched the wall first, doesn't mean that it's a done deal. We needed to know that he really did win that race. We needed replays and time-checks. Do you understand now?

A 13-year-old named Kelsey Thomas, from Redmond, Ore., won the eighth go-round of the ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer.

Yes Mike, we get it. Imus helps kids with Cancer! Sadly though, do you know what else we get? That helping kids with Cancer doesn't make it okay to spout racial slurs on a nationally broadcasted radio show. And for that, Imus is still a fucking asshole. Just like you.

Robinson Cano has had about as good a season as Rudy Giuliani, but the difference between him and our chatty former mayor is that there's still time for Cano to turn things around.

OMG WTF!? Cano is Guiliani? Does this make any fucking sense to anybody?

In Mike Lupica analogies, Jose Reyes is a lot like Barack Obama. Why? Because Lupica really wants to suck both of their cocks.

By the end of another Olympics, let's just say that I'm not looking to put that fanfare music on my iPod.

You know, I'm not surprised to hear that Lupica has an iPod. What he didn't tell you, is that it's a Shuffle. Not because of the price. Just because the regular iPod is too heavy for him. It's like a regular person carrying around a stereo system and DJ Speakers.

I am very hopeful that the Jets can make the playoffs this season even though I believe that Brett and Mangini might get along about as well as Bill and Hillary.

1) Who are you fucking kidding Mike? You want the Jets to crash and burn. You want to write 600 articles about what a mistake Favre was. You want to sit and cackle about their failures as you cheer on your New England Patriots behind closed doors. You want to suck breast milk from Tom Brady's tit and shit all over the Jets the way you shit all over EVERY New York Team.... unless they win a championship. Then you'll wax poetic about it for a couple of weeks, and gradually return to bashing them... starting with subtle digs and building up to full-blown idiocy.

2) Brett and Mangini might get along like Bill and Hillary? You really think they're going to have a daughter together? Aren't they both married men?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Happy Trails Mad Dog!!

Yeah, it took a few days, but I'm going to touch on this one a little.

When I heard that Chris Russo was leaving the Fan, I did squirt a few tears... because I realized that there's going to be nothing left to interrupt Mike Francesa's asinine rants.

That radio show is going to suck more than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout's sleepover.

So they're saying that Russo's going to head over to XM/Sirius. Call me crazy, but his solo show might just be the bomb Osama bin Laden's been waiting to drop on America.

As much as I dislike Francesa, he was sorta like an idiot-filter for Russo, because at least there was SOMEONE there to keep Russo's moronic statements in check a little.

Left to his own devices, he'd still be claiming that Will Clark was better than Mattingly... or whining about how he'd sell his kids to see the Giants win a World Series.

So to Chris Russo, the extent of my farewell message is as follows:

Chris, go fuck yourself. If it were up to me, they'd launch your ass onto the satellite and force you to do your show from out there. And last but not least, enjoy 5 more years of Barry Zito, you sorry son of a bitch.

Friday, August 15, 2008

It's Hank, Cash & Joe's Fault!!! Those Pricks!!!

Thanks, Bill Madden, for this genius piece about how the failures of this season are the fault of the GM, the manager and the owner.

If you haven't already, go read the article. It explains how everything boils down to Hank's inability to take charge and be a full-blown asshole like his dad used to. And how Girardi's mismanaged the team. Oh, and how Cashman built the team.

It's Hank's fault for not getting Santana. Yeah, we knew that already. The Santana deal will be second guessed for the next hundred years. Or at least until Santana is a walking corpse from years 4 through 7 of the contract he inked with the Mets.

It's Cashman's fault for constructing a bench that involves Wilson Betemit and Morgan Ensberg... because as we all know, the 24th and 25th guys on a team's bench typically represent a 10 to 15 game swing in that team's overall record... right? Right? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? No? Okay, moving on.

It's Girardi's fault because of the Manny game... in like... April. Oh, and for resting Damon for a game this week. And for using Damaso Marte, when he's "clearly a situational reliever."

So lets start with the assertion that Marte is "clearly a situational reliever."

Damaso Marte in Pittsburgh: 47 innings, 1.157 WHIP, 47 K's, 3.47 ERA. And just for the record, here's what RHB's did against Marte in Pittsburgh - .214/.299/.321, and here's what lefties did against him - .258/.310/.394.

To clarify, there's nothing situational about a lefty who's better against righties than lefties. Marte has had a bad week and a half. It's not a fucking incrimination of his entire career. It's a bad week and a half.

Just for the hell of it, lets play the blame game for this season.

1) Robinson Cano - .262/.302/.393 (OPS+ 84) is having a throw-away year. He's been fucking awful. This is obviously Brian Cashman's fault.

2) Derek Jeter - .284/.346/.396 (OPS+ 98) is in the midst of the worst season of his career. This must be because of the differences between Torre and Girardi, so we'll blame Joe Girardi for this.

3) Matsui, Posada and A-Rod's injuries - Three extremely productive hitters have missed majorly extended stretches, with Posada missing almost the entire season and Matsui having seen only 69 of 120 games. Surely the effects of The Curse of the Hank!!!

4) Chien-Ming Wang - 8-2 in 15 starts at the time of his injury, this guy won 38 games in 2006 and 2007. The fact that the Yankees are unable to dominate after the loss of a bonafide top-of-the-rotation starter is very obviously the fault of Cashman. He should have cloned the DNA of Sandy Koufax just in case something like this happened.

5) Hughes, Kennedy & Chamberlain - Two of them dramatically underachieved, all three got hurt at some point, and yet, one of them has developed into one of the best starting pitchers in baseball... but he's not here now. Kennedy might not be as good as anybody thought, Hughes has some injury issues, but has looked great during his rehab stint, and Chamberlain is a golden God. Again, the fault of Cashman for pinning his hopes on pitchers who don't cost $150 Million over 7 years.

And now, for the record, lets see what else Cashman's done this year.

1) Stole Xavier Nady & Damaso Marte from Pittsburgh: The trade market the past few years has been SAVAGE!!! Cashman gave up NOTHING GOOD, and got back a 29-year old outfielder with an OPS+ of 147. And Marte, who was closing games for Pittsburgh at the time he was dealt.

2) Rented Pudge Rodriguez straight up for Kyle Farnsworth: Yeah, Farns was pitching well, but Yanks fans still hated the prick, nobody trusted him in September or October, and he was going out the door in 2 months anyway. Pudge was the only available guy who could come near Posada's production, and he's here.

3) Sidney Ponson, Darrel Rasner & Dan Giese: Their names should go into the history books next to Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon. Do you guys realize that we got 178 innings of serviceable baseball from these three scrap-heapers? Kennedy, Hughes, Chamberlain and Wang have all suffered significant injuries... and yet we've been able to hang around.

Show me another team in baseball FUCKING HISTORY that's lost 4/5ths of their rotation over the course of a season, and even played above .500 ball! Do it!! I fucking dare you to do it!!! And they did it because of a 31-year old free agent who was once drafted in the 34th round of the draft, an alcoholic ex-convict, and a waiver-wire pickup from the fucking Nationals in 2006.

Cashman has pulled half this roster out of his fucking ass. Girardi's juggled his lineups and rotations all year just to keep 9 guys on the field. And Hank's kept his mouth mostly shut... except for that asshole time that he bitched out Mike Mussina... and Mussina magically turned into a 15-game winning dark horse for the fucking Cy Young.

Oh, and the time when Hank bitched that Joba should start. How was that working out before Joba got tendinitis? Wait, I'll tell you. In 12 starts, spanning 65 innings, Joba struck out 74 batters and worked a 2.76 ERA.

Yeah, Hank's a dick. And Joe and Cash are fucking awful. Give me a break Bill Madden. Just give me a break.