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Sunday, March 25, 2007

James Dolan again, ARod again, Rivera again...

Sorry about the delay, my hard drive crashed this weekend...

This week's petcage lining was all about how James Dolan is sinking the Garden. Dolan's been doing this for about 6 years now, but somehow Lupica thinks it's headline news.

Once again, leave it to Lupica to rehash an old story!

I guess Lupica can't bash the Yankees because the Mets are looking so sad down in Florida. But, of course, he can slide in a Yankee payroll jab, even when discussing James Dolan!

Call it around a billion dollars spent on basketball and hockey. It is up there with what the Yankees have spent since they last won the World Series

Say it isn't so, Mike! Did you actually mention the "billion dollars" line, again, when referring to the Yankees?

So sad and predictable.


I'm not nearly as interested in daily updates on Carl Pavano as I originally thought I was going to be.

Really? Well then maybe you can spare us the mention of his name on a weekly basis?

By the way, you can call me a cockeyed optimist, but I think these recent "no comments" from A-Rod - on Derek Jeter, on Brian Cashman - are a sign of tremendous personal growth.

This coming from a man who stopped growing in the 5th grade.

What the hell does Lupica know about "growth"?

I don't care what Joe Torre's outfield rotation is this season, I just want Melky to play.

That's why you are a writer and not a manager of a sports team.

The Yankees probably were hoping Jonathan Papelbon - the MVP of the first half of the A.L. season a year ago - stayed in the rotation.

Because if Papelbon really was Plan A for the back of the Red Sox bullpen all along, there really was no Plan B. But then, there's no Plan B with the Yanks if anything ever happens to Mo.

What a genius.

Papelbon, aka "Plan A", was, as Lupica puts it, was the MVP of the first half of the season last year. What happened to the second half?

Injury - 22.1 innings pitched.

The Red Sox "Plan B" got them into 3rd place.

What happened to Rivera in the second half of last season?

Injury - 29 innings pitched.

The Yankees "Plan B" won them the division.


Two weeks in a row we had to read about this - give it up already!!

Worry about the Mets "Plan A" - Wagner is getting smacked around like a little bitch in Spring Training.

Jeez if Rivera had a 5.73 ERA right now like Wagner, Lupica would write an article about it every day for a month!

The same exact article, no less, because Lupica writes the same crap all the time.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

ARod, Yankee bashing, Mattingly, and yes, Rivera...

Holy Christ this guy is relentless. This guy is more obsessed with the Yankees than I am with Lupica's height!

Now THAT is sad.

This week’s Shooting From The Lip is all about how Lupica thinks Arod is sad because he gave up being a shortstop so he could play for the Yankees.


I’m sure Arod was all broken up about winning that MVP in 2005.

You know, his second year as a 3rd baseman.

And I don’t really think moving from shortstop to third base is as devestating as, say, watching all your friends grow taller with age while you stay the same height.

It was like Peyton Manning offering to let somebody else play quarterback.

Yes, the shortstop on a baseball team is considered the quarterback, and the third baseman is considered the waterboy.

You learn something new every day with the great Mike Lupica.

You know what I think would make him happy, whether the Yankees win the World Series this year or not?

Being a shortstop again.

Yes, I’m sure Arod would be much happier playing shortstop for the Kansas City Royals than winning the world series with the Yankees - who can argue with that logic?

Being a shortstop won't be enough to make A-Rod completely happy, might not be enough because you wonder if he could ever be loved enough, because for all his talent, he has the insecurities of an actress.

You want to see insecurity?

Watch Mike Lupica read that quote to Arod in a dark alley.

Do Mike a favor and bring a fresh pair of pants for him.

Childrens size 10-12.

And now, on to more Yankee bashing...

I keep waiting for the Yankees to announce that Don Mattingly is in the mix at first base.

What? Oh I get it - the Yankees have a lot of guys in the mix for first base.

Funny stuff.

You know what's even funnier?

After Jose Lima, Chan Ho Park and Aaron Sele, I’m waiting for the Mets to announce that Emiliano Mercado del Toro is in the mix for starting pitcher.

And I don't want to sound cynical, because it's not my nature, but what is Plan B if Mo Rivera finally does begin to show his age this season?

Yankees Plan B?

You have GOT to be kidding me.

I think you should worry more about the Mets Plan A.

You know, Billy “8.71 Post Season ERA” Wagner?

And how about the Red Sox?

Plan A was Papelbon…Plan B is now…Joel Piniero???

Rivera will be just fine. Oh sure, he’ll have that annual one week stretch in June or July where he blows two or three saves, and then you’ll get to hear about all this crap again from Lupica.

Are you as excited as I am?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Lupica on Imus: An Observation

Today I had the misfortune of hearing Mike Lupica as a guest on the Don Imus show. For a moment I felt like all the air was mysteriously being drained from my car, and then I realized it was Lupica SUCKING UP so hard to Don Imus.

Has anyone ever heard this ass clown on the Imus show? I don’t listen to Imus, but WFAN just happened to be on when I started my car. All I heard was Imus babbling about some stupid crap, and some idiot was laughing uncontrollably on the phone.

Out of pure disgust I went to change the station, but then I thought that Imus was having an Radio-Thon for the underprivileged, judging by the way this mentally challenged person was coming across over the phone.

Then I realized – I know that voice! It’s that Corky kid from Life Goes On!

Just as I started feeling guilty for thinking bad thoughts about Corky, Imus mumbled, “We’re talking to Mike Lupica…”

My second guess after Corky.

Everything that marble mouth Imus gurgled out, Lupica responded with a howling laugh, as if the Yankees just lost the World Series.

I can only imagine the conversation went like this…

Imus – “We have Mike Lupica on the phone, good morning Mike.”


Imus – “So have you been writing about the Yankees payroll again?”


Imus – “So I heard you and Jose Reyes are a couple now?”


Imus – “What’s your take on the steroid scandal?”


Imus – “What’s the death toll of American soldiers in Iraq?”


Lupica spends all his time trying to come across as this smarmy, goody two shoes, smart ass know-it-all sports columnist, when in reality he is a socially retarded, ass kissing panderer to DON IMUS, whose fame fizzled out in the 80’s when he was exposed as a no talent alcoholic and a coke head.

Nice company you keep, Mike.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

More steroid crap, Giambi (surprise), Clemens, Tim McCarver!?

Another weekend, another stupid Lupica article.

Lupica wastes this week's allotted newspaper space with yet another piece on the steroid issue in MLB.

You may be asking yourself, "didn’t Lupica write a stupid article about steroids last week?" Of course! Welcome to Mike Lupica's world of redundancy! Once again, Lupica plagiarizes himself and still holds a job. Unreal.

You may also be asking yourself, "hmm, I wonder if Mike Lupica has finally written an article about steroids without mentioning Jason Giambi?"


Once again we are back to that: Jason Giambi, standup guy! His performance in public was as artful as Bonds' was in front of the grand jury. He wanted to show everybody how bad he felt, maybe even get them to feel sorry for him, all the while making sure he didn't say anything that would have given the Yankees a chance to void his huge contract.

Yes, once again Michael, we are back to that: Jason Giambi, who admitted using steroids…FOUR YEARS AGO. Did Giambi apologize for it? Yes. Is Lupica still confused about what Giambi apologized for? Of course.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "I can't wait to see what Mike Lupica says about the Met's Guillermo Mota for failing a steroid test!"

Guess what Lupica said about Mota this week?


Not a word.

As usual, Lupica has to focus on bashing Yankee players; Mets players seem to always get a free pass.

Two weeks of steroid articles, two weeks with no mention of Guillermo Mota, the latest New York ballplayer to get busted for steroids.

Anyone surprised?

I didn’t think so.

Speaking of being surprised, did anyone fall off their chair when they saw Lupica had a blurb about Roger Clemens?

Are the Yankees really going to genuflect this way on Roger Clemens, who left them high and dry after the last game he pitched in the 2003 World Series?

Clemens is such a beauty you want to hug him.

How did Clemens leave the Yankees high and dry? Did he just bail on the team? Who expected him to be pitching for the Yankees in 2004? I remember he got a standing ovation in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS - was it because everyone expected him back with the Yankees the next season?
Mike, don’t hate Clemens just because he didn’t add the Mets to the list of teams he would consider pitching for this season.

And don’t hate him because he's taller than you.

EVERYONE is taller than you.

Warning : the next Lupica blurb may cause violent barfing and explosive diarrhea.

Ron Darling gets better and better doing Mets games on SNY.

He and Keith Hernandez and Gary Cohen make it as much fun watching the Mets on television as it used to be when McCarver first hit town.

While I agree that Gary Cohen is a good announcer, how the HELL could he give Tim McCarver props!?

Oh, that's right - he's a Yankee hater too.

Maybe they share hair-dye secrets as well.

Here's some quality observations made by Tim McCarver.

Two jackasses who have nothing to say get paid for what they say.


Sunday, March 4, 2007

Steroids, proposing to Jose Reyes, Pavano bashing

It’s every Yankee fan’s favorite day of the week – Sunday! Because Sunday means another stupid Shooting From The Lip column by our favorite dwarf, Mike Lupica.

This week, Lupica talks about the steroid bombshell that exploded all over the news last Wednesday. As usual, Lupica waits until Sunday to write about it, long after its been covered to death.

Lupica (of course) has to mention Giambi in the article, because he admitted using steroids…3 friggin years ago!

If it is true about Sarge Matthews' kid, he goes in the headlines now, with Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire and Gary Sheffield and Jason Giambi and all the rest of them.

I guess Mike didn't get the memo that Sheffield has been traded.

Where’s the mention of New York’s latest steroid user, Guillermo Mota? Oh, right, I forgot - Lupica doesn't have time to bash the Mets, only the Yankees.

But of course Lupica has to add a little post-Valentine's Day love note to his new boyfriend, Jose Reyes…

In the first week of March, there is nothing better than turning on the television in the afternoon and seeing Reyes at the plate.

Of course you want to see Reyes at the plate - it's gotta be better than having to stomach their ancient pitching staff.

I wonder how Curt Schilling took it when Lupica dumped him for Reyes?

Speaking of Curt Schilling, isn't it funny how Lupica totally fell for Schilling’s bloody sock, but still has NO CLUE what Giambi apologized for?


Now look at all this work Lupica has to do to come up with a cheap shot at Carl Pavano…

You probably have heard by now that a journeyman pitcher named Matt White, trying to earn a job with the Dodgers, has found out there is 24 million tons of stone ledge on some property he bought.

And that stone ledge like this, used for building faces and sidewalks and stone walls, is insanely valuable and can go for as much as $100 a ton.

While nobody thinks they can get all of this stone ledge out of the ground and make White a billion or so dollars, there is plenty enough to make him a millionaire many times over.

And the way I look at it is this:

This guy could end up richer than Carl Pavano!

Ho ho ho! That's a good one, Mike!

Carl Pavano is the butt of just about every Yankee joke, and Lupica had to check in with his "humor".

Way to be original.

So Lupica thinks Pavano's been overpaid?

How about Daisuke "I've never pitched in the MLB" Matsuzaka?

How about Lupica's last boyfriend from the Red Sox, Josh Beckett? Remember how Mike basically proposed to him? Didn't hear too much about him last season, except when NASA complained about all the homeruns he gave up and are now orbiting around the Earth.

Pavano had injuries; what's Lupica's excuse for Beckett?

Oh, that's right...he just sucks.