Joba Owns Beckett And Red Sox; What Does Lupica Say?

Word up, Lupica haters!

This week, Lupica wrote another fucking column about Clemens, and how George Bush shouldn’t give him a pardon.

Who gives a shit, really?

The only person in the world who isn’t tired of Clemens is Lupica.

Give it a rest, Mike. The guy is a total tool. We get it.

Move the fuck on.

Blurbs…

It was pretty neat, I thought, that Charlie Manuel criticized Jose Reyes for being a hot dog on the same day Manuel's shortstop, Jimmy Rollins, couldn't make it to Shea Stadium on time.

Apples, meet Oranges.

A-Rod's friends now are out there saying the whole thing is Cynthia Rodriguez's fault, she drove the poor guy into the arms of other women, and I'm thinking these are the kinds of friends angling for a shot at "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

Sports, Lupica. Try covering it sometime.

Nice job plugging another worthless TV show.

You don't have to like Billy Wagner,

Good.

or the way he blows sky high sometimes, or everything he says, whether he is standing in front of his locker or talking on the radio.

And if you are a Mets fan, you can already be wondering about whether Frankie Rodriguez or somebody else could be the closer here before long.

But you still have to say that Wagner is one of the most interesting people to ever hold down the job of closer in New York.

He sucks in the clutch, and he’s a joke in the post season. He’s got a big mouth and he’s a team divider.

This is why he is “interesting” and deserving of space in Lupica’s dumb column.

You can have “interesting”; I’ll take Rivera.

On Saturday, Joba pitched the best game in his short career, beating the Red Sox in Boston, with Josh Beckett going for the Sox.

Josh Beckett, Mike Lupica’s wet dream from Boston.

Remember this quote by the dwarf?

"The Yankees have a lot. Just nobody like Beckett." - Lupica, 4.18.08

Every sports writer in New York wrote a story about Saturday's game.

Here’s what Lupica had to say…

The Yankee broadcasters kept saying that it made no "sense" for Joba to put a fastball up in Kevin Youkilis' eyes the other night, and I'm wondering what sort of "sense" it made when Joba put two over Youkilis' head last season.

That’s all, folks!

No story, no column, nothing. Just bullshit about Joba throwing at Youkilis again.

Imagine the sports media without Lupica…we’d never learn anything about the Yankees.

Or anything else relevant.

A tough young girl from Sunny Valley, Ore., named Camala (Cami) Million, won the fifth go-round rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer last week, and turned in a record time of 19.62 seconds doing it.

Wow, did you snort a line of cocaine with Imus while discussing this story with him?

Even between one season and the next, it remains one of the most amazing things in sports that the Knicks and Rangers, combined, have won two playoff series in the last eight seasons at the Garden.

New York Mets: one playoff series win in the last seven seasons, with the highest payroll in the NL for the last five years.

But hey, at least they got two last places finishes under their belt during that time.

And that neither one of them, despite piles and piles of money spent, has made it past the second round of the playoffs.

Yet once again, no mention of the Mets payroll or lack of success in October.

Can Carlos Delgado win Comeback Player of the Year just for the way he's come back in the same season?

Ask Robinson Cano. He would have won it the last two seasons.

And possibly this season.

The bushier Giambi's mustache gets, the more he looks like a bouncer.

Uninteresting, unfunny and uninformative. Typical Lupica.

If Mike Pelfrey had an unusual nickname, people might get as excited about the way he's pitching for the Mets as Yankee fans are about Joba.

Joba’s ERA is 1.3 points lower than Pelfrey.
Joba’s WHIP is .2 lower than Pelfrey.
Joba has 20 more K’s in 45 less innings.
Joba just owned the Red Sox.
Joba was converted to a starter after every bitch in sports media said it was the wrong move.

Throw all that away; Yankees fans are excited for Joba because of…his unusual nickname?

Sports journalism at it’s finest.

If you're Brian Cashman, you have to make the trade he just made with the Pirates, no questions asked.

But there has never been a single time when the Yankees have traded prospects when we didn't hear that it was the greatest trade ever

So every time the Yankees have traded prospects, it was considered the greatest trade ever?

Typical Lupica: blowing things out of proportion to prove his point.

and the prospects they sent off to a team like the Pirates really didn't matter in the whole grand scheme of things.

Cashman quote : “We ended up paying a pretty steep price in terms of four useful players. But the deal makes a lot of sense for us on several levels.”

Never a single time, right Mike?

Fucking asshole.

An Enough-Lupica-Style Fantasy

Just to show how much we love our readers, and that we listen to you guys, and that we're here to entertain and amuse you guys at the expense of people who piss us off, I'm going to delve into the fiction genre with Mark's idea. Plus it's a really cool idea. For the record, the following is an act of fiction and any similarities to events that have happened... or may *cough-hopefully-cough* happen are purely coincidental.

It was a loud, rambunctious night following a Yankee win over the Chicago Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series, and quite a scene was unfolding across the street from the Ballpark in the Bronx at Billy's, as members of the Yankees television and radio broadcast teams came out in public to join in the celebration. The bar was packed to the gills, when suddenly, in through the front door came Daily News Columnist and Short People's Society President Mike Lupica and his Yankee Friends (a blow-up doll in a Red Sox t-shirt and a Teddy Ruxpin bear.) He headed over to the group of Yankee Broadcasters which included Michael Kay, Suzyn Waldman, Ken Singleton, John Flaherty and John Sterling for an impromptu Sports Reporters-style debate.

As the conversation grew louder and louder, with Mike Lupica climbing onto a table so that his child-like person could be both seen, and heard, the bar began to empty. Real Yankee fans spilled out into the streets to continue their celebration away from the nauseating combination of Kool Aid and criticism.

The group continued their discussion, oblivious to the now-empty bar, so oblivious in fact, that they failed to notice the behemoth-like man in head-to-toe black who had just slipped in through the front door, a ski-mask covering his head, a Louisville Slugger in tow.

"A team with a payroll of exactly $209,157,892.77 should win the World Series every year!" proclaimed Lupica, as he stomped angrily on the bar.

"But oh my goodness gracious!! The only thing that could make this night any better was if Roger Clemens were here!" squealed Waldman!

Lupica screamed, "ROGER CLEMENS USES STERO...." but was unable to finish his sentence, as the dark figure had stalked across the room and swung that mighty wooden bat, knocking Lupica off the bar about 70 feet to the back wall like he was a hanging slider.

"Enough is enough...you guys are all hacks" said Lupica's assailant as he began swinging wildly at Michael Kay's oversized head, which exploded much like a watermelon at one of those shitty Gallagher comedy shows.

Ken Singleton tried to flee the scene, but to no avail as the mysterious figure hurled a baseball, hitting him in the back of the neck and killing him with nothing short of a Joba Chamberlain fastball.

Now it was Flaherty's turn, as Waldman and Sterling cowered behind the former major leaguer, but as the black-hooded man bludgeoned Flaherty something terrible happened! The bat broke!!! However would he manage to kill Waldman and Sterling now!?

Alas, not one to be stopped by a mere broken bat, the man lifted Waldman by her ankles and proceeded to beat John Sterling to death with her melon-fucking-head, also killing Waldman.

He then stalked over to Mike Lupica, who was just regaining consciousness, looking up at the man who would surely be his executioner....

"Wh... why... are you... doing... this.... oh, and by the way, what was Jason Giambi really apologizing for anyway? He never said.... uhhhh... ohh... the pain...." mumbled Lupica through his broken jaw.

The figure stood proudly, looking down at Lupica as he pulled off his hood to reveal a familiar face... it was...

BOBBY MURCER!!!

"I did this because a true Yankee can only listen to your bullshit for so long before he's gotta do something about it. I got a fucking tumor from listening to those assholes for all those years!" said Murcer, "But don't worry... you'll live to tell about this."

Murcer then stomped down on Mike Lupica's skull, crushing it under his powerful foot!!

"NOOOOOT!!!" screamed Murcer in his best Borat voice!!

As the last gasp escaped from Lupicas lungs it formed the word, "Hiiiiilllllllllllllllarrrrrryyyyyyyy.....yyy...."

The End....

Mets Were Bad Last Year - But The 2004 Yankees Were Worse!

Lupica's latest piece of shit is about the Mets, and how Willie Randolph has to win some games. But, as per usual, when Lupica starts writing mean little things about the Mets, he has to remind everyone how much he hates the Yankees.

Look at this stupid paragraph...where the fuck does this fit into the context of the Mets having to win?

We constantly hear that last September was The Worst Collapse in Baseball History. No, it wasn't. The worst collapse, in context, and because of the aftermath, because of who was involved and the way it happened, was the Yankees blowing a 3-0 lead to the Boston Red Sox in the 2004 American League Championship Series.

Ok, look - we all know both the Yankees and the Mets took two big shits in 2004 and 2007. Every douche fan from both sides has tried to explain why the team across town had the worst collapse. Of course, Lupica doesn't say why the Yankees collapse was worse, he just said the Yankees was worse, just because.

Now it's my turn to tell you the reasons why the Mets collapse was easily the worse collapse of the two.

1. The 2004 Yankees collapsed in the ALCS; the Mets died during the regular season. At least the fucking 2004 Yankees made the playoffs. The 2007 Mets were on cruise control, heading straight for the playoffs, until they ran into September.

2. The 2004 Yankees lost to the 2004 World Champion Red Sox; who did the 2007 Mets lose to?
They went 5-8 against the Nationals and Marlins, two teams fighting each other for the worst record in the NL East. Throw in a nice 3 game sweep by the Phillies and you have a $120 million team not even make the playoffs.

3. What would you rather have your team do? Fold in the playoffs to the eventual world series champion, or fold in the last month of the season, to the 2 worst teams in your division?

Please Lupica, try to support your asshole reasoning with facts. You suck, the Mets suck, and the 2007 Mets collapse sucked. Get over it.

***

So after Lupidouche "beat up" on the Mets with kid gloves, he filled the second half of his article with Yankee slams, to obviously appease his golf buddy Fred Wilpon.

Apparently the Yankees have a problem with Ortiz doing this promotion at the All Star game, where he is going to re-enact Babe Ruth's called shot, and this isn't sitting well with the Yankees...

...now they act as if David Ortiz making some promotional swing at the All-Star Game - where four tickets can cost you more than a new car - will somehow be like spray-painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with graffiti.

Luckily, Enough Lupica fan, Mark P., helped me cover this load of bullshit today.

Mark P. wrote this:

OK riddle me this Bozo. It’s a reenactment of the Babe Ruth called shot. Ya think Red Sox fans would be a bit pissed if they had A-Rod reenact the Carlton Fisk Foul Pole Game 6 Home Run?!?!?!?!?! Not to mention the ticket price dig…like Mikey will pay for his and his family if they go. What a loser!

Well said Mark!

Now THIS is funny...watch how Lupica makes himself look like a complete asshole, bashing the Daily News I-Team, for reporting on Clemens and his steroids story...

Our I-Team at the Daily News loves watching its work on Clemens and Pettitte and steroids and all the rest of it consistently get re-packaged and presented as being newer than the new American Idol.

Our guys just think of it as the recycling version of investigative reporting.

The recycling version of investigative reporting!?!?!? THIS IS ALL LUPICA HAS DONE FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!!!! Is he fucking kidding me??!?!

How many fucking times has this dwarf mentioned Clemens and steroids? The Yankees payroll?!?! Isiah Thomas!?!?!? And he's calling out the Daily News I-Team, for doing EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES!?!?!?

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

And people still wonder why I hate this midget. Un-fucking-believable.

The Yankees have now had two pitchers sent to the principal's office for throwing baseballs at people's heads, and Joe Girardi ought to have them stop now, or he's the one who's going to start looking bad.

Right.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have Willie Randolph, who barely defends his players - how's Willie's future looking with the Mets these days?

The 1986 Mets didn't throw at people's heads, but they got into bench clearing brawls on a weekly basis - how did that affect Davey Johnson's credibility?

Where does Lupica come up with this shit? It's not relevant, and it's not even right. It's just bullshit.

Throwing the ball where Farnsworth threw it against Manny and where LaTroy Hawkins threw at Luke Scott the other night is different, and bush league all the way.

Yep, just like the great Pedro used to do the Yankees all the time while he was with Boston. Another story you failed to cover and still forget to mention.

Fuck, this article was so fucking dumb today. I hope Mister Six gets a chance to cover it, because I'm too tired and pissed off to go on.

Fuck you Lupica!

Bloggin' From The Lip!!

Yup, that's what we're callin' this today! Bloggin' from the Lip! We're gonna shoot down Mike Lupica's fun facts and random comparisons like fish in a barrel! Woo hoo! Aren't you excited? Lets get right to brass tacks gentlemen (and all 3 ladies who are reading this):

Bill Belichick talking about an old video assistant of his named Matt Walsh suddenly sounds like Roger Clemens talking about an old trainer of his named Brian McNamee.

Are you sure Mike? Are you sure he didn't sound like Jason Giambi giving "The Apology"? Or like Andy Pettitte confessing about using a little bit of HGH when he really used a lot? You know who Bill Belichick definitely DOESN'T sound like? Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden apologizing for snorting the Mets chance at a dynasty in the late 1980's. Because they never talked about that.

Matt Walsh may not be one of nature's noblemen. Neither was Jose Canseco.

Lupica's entire premise here is to compare Belichick videotaping defensive signals to steroids in baseball. Because everything is about fucking steroids in baseball. Literally everything. Here's an average conversation between Mike Lupica and one of those so-called "friends" he always claims to have.

Imaginary Friend: Hey Mike Lupica!
Mike Lupica: Hi Imaginary Friend!!
IF: So what do you think of those Tampa Bay Rays! In first place! Ha ha!!
ML: Yeah! It's like they're on steroids or something!!
IF: *sigh* Lets talk about something else... you see that Matt Walsh came out of the closet?
ML: Yeah! Just like when Jose Canseco told us about steroids in baseball!!
IF: *bangs head into wall* Yeah... so Hillary still won't drop out of the Democratic primaries...
ML: She's just like Roger Clemens... refusing to admit that he took steroids!
IF: *kills self with imaginary gun*
ML: Dammit! That's the fourteenth imaginary friend this week! They're dropping like baseball players on steroids!!

Now Belichick goes after Walsh the way Clemens went after McNamee, the way Clemens is still after McNamee.

Really? Belichick is suing Walsh for defamation of character? No? Then I guess it's nothing like the way Clemens is going after McNamee.

No one is suggesting that this kind of cheating is as systemic as drug cheating became in baseball over the last 15 years.

No one is suggesting that I go and masturbate on the salad bar at Wendy's either. What's your fucking point? And what's so "systemic" about a bunch of guys taking steroids? Do you think it was some kind of covert operation? Like a Rambo movie? To liberate the Stanozolol from North Vietnam? Hahaha... you can't have Stanozolol without a great big LOL!!

***

I love the 3 asterisks. They make me happy.

People can bounce Billy Wagner all over town for some of the things he's said in the past and some of the things he said this week.

Oh, you mean because he tore up a teammate for the second time in like 2 weeks? And he's basically got a reputation as the White Gary Sheffield? And that he's throwing teammates under the bus to boost rating for his radio show?

But there is a little bit of Yogi in Wagner, in this way:
No matter how it comes out, you always know exactly what he means.

Umm... what? Fuck... you're really going to defend him again? Seriously?

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

More guys like Wagner? I want to help. So here's a list of team-first guys who are currently out of work. I'm sure each of them could help the Mets despite their age and injuries, because it's about personality!

Rickey Henderson, Albert Belle, Carl Everett, Jose Offerman (Once his probation ends), Roger Clemens, John Rocker, Jose Canseco.

That's seven more guys like Wagner. The Mets will never lose again. Unless Albert Belle eats David Wright... then it could get ugly.

Hillary Clinton is no longer running for President, she's running for Vice President.

I really think we're about a week away from learning that Hillary Clinton took steroids. There's no other reason for Lupica to talk about her so much. Look at the guys he talks about: Clemens, Giambi, Pettitte, Isiah Thomas, A-Rod, Hillary Clinton. Steroids, Steroids, Steroids, Crack-Rock, accused of steroids (by Canseco, who might be motivated to lie by money, the fact that A-Rod fucked his wife, etc.), ???

So she took 'roids, right Mike?

It comes out now that Jason Giambi likes to wear a gold thong when he's trying to come out of a hitting slump, and I'm pretty sure Congressman Vito Fossella does the same thing.

Mike? Are you upset that they don't make thongs in your size? I think you are. I think you're just jealous because while Jason Giambi and Vito Fossella get to try on big boy underwear, you're still stuck wearing your Batman Underoos.

But yeah... the thong story was a little weird. Especially that he shares it with other guys. I don't share a TAXI with other guys...

What Did I Miss While On Vacation?

I'm assuming Lupica wrote a great article about Mariano, having 10 saves and still hasn't given up a run.

Or something about Cano, starting to hit again.

Maybe something about Rasner, a young pitcher finally coming through for the Yankees?

Let's see...

Sunday, May 4th - "Yankee Stadium Prices Are Insane!"
Tuesday, May 6th - "Rocket throws a curve, but we need one right down the middle"
Saturday, May 10th - "For Andy Pettitte, No Clear Sailing"
Sunday, May 11th - "Mike D'Antoni has stiff task ahead leading Isiah Thomas' stiffs"

To recap...SAME OLD BULLSHIT.

Yankee prices, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, and Isiah Thomas...holy shit!

And, what a surprise - NOTHING ABOUT SPORTS.

Let's tackle this one smelly turd at a time...


May 4th

There is a guy I know who has tickets behind the Yankee dugout, has had them for awhile.

Lupica poetry at its finest.

Last season each seat cost $150 per game. This season, because it is the last season at the old Yankee Stadium, the cost went up to $250.

"I told my friends who are going this season, ‘Enjoy yourselves, because you'll never be this close again,'" my friend said Saturday.

First of all, and I've said this before, no self-respecting Yankee fan would ever talk to low life Lupica.

So Lupica, is this the same "friend" who said this in December?

"The Yankees will never rebuild from within until this Steinbrenner is suspended."

Remember that article, when you bashed the Yanks for considering breaking the bank for Santana?

What happened? Oh right - the METS broke the bank for Santana, in a deal the "Mets had to close".

Way to be in touch with Yankee fans, Mike. Your "friend" is just as retarded as you are.

Where is the article about the Mets ripping off their fans?

Oh, here it is! Except it's not from Phil Mushnick, not Lupica.

Surprise.

You wonder why Yankee fans don't care what Johan Santana or anybody else on the field costs?

Um, because Johan Santana is a Met?

Next week The Today Show is going to do a week-long series called, "Where in the world is Robinson Cano?"

Since May 4th...

Robinson Cano .364 BA, 2 HR, 4 RBI
Jose Reyes .222 BA, 0 HR, 3 RBI

Well, we know where Robinson Cano has been.

Where has Reyes been? Lupica's bed perhaps?

May 6th

"I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans," Clemens continued, and right there you wanted to ask him what exactly he was apologizing for, but by now it's clear that he doesn't do well with any kind of cross-examination once he's given his name.

No, I'm not gonna defend Clemens. He's got issues. Issues that Lupica feels necessary to point out in every goddamn column he writes. It's old to everyone taller than 5'-6".

This is the kind of apology that Jason Giambi originally gave when his testimony about using steroids, offered in front of the BALCO grand jury, was leaked to a newspaper.

Here we go again with the Giambi apology.

EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR LUPIDICK KNOWS WHY HE APOLOGIZED.

Get over it Mikey!!!

You should be asking why the fuck did the Mets re-sign Mota after testing positive for steroids! We're still waiting for that article!

Giambi sat there at Yankee Stadium with Joe Torre and Brian Cashman and he apologized that day, even though he never said for what, once you could see how broken up he was about being a "distraction" to his teammates.

Step away from reality TV and PLEASE start reporting on SPORTS, not non-sports related shit that happened 5 years ago!

May 10th

I'm just going to assume that since Yankee announcers think Joba's dance moves are swell after a strikeout they'll keep themselves under control the next time Manny Ramirez poses after a home run as if he's in a photo shoot for Annie Leibowitz.

Did everyone notice when Joba threw near Youkilis' head last year, the Dick said it was "bush league?"

And when Farnsworth threw behind Manny's head a couple of weeks ago, Lupica shit all over the Yankees for it?

What has he said in the past about Manny standing at home plate, admiring his home runs?

"Good news at the Stadium! The last one Manny hit off Mussina just landed underneath the Avis sign in left."

Manny has been showboating since forever, and you have never called him out on it.

Jeez, does an athlete have to play in New York for you to shit all over him?

How about giving props to players instead of "reporting" on the same tired themes, Mike? Fuck, I even get email from Mets fans who hate you!

And who the FUCK is Annie Leibowitz?!

Get your fucking head out of your ass, or get the fuck out of New York. You are a miserable little tool who has no fans, no friends, and no life.

Hate Mike Lupica? You're Not Alone...

Daniel A. McBride is my new fucking hero! Daniel, if you're reading this, you seriously need to write in and let us know, because I want to buy you a drink or something. I'm not even kidding.

Who's Daniel A. McBride? He's the guy who wrote in to The Daily News and had his opinion published in the "Voice of the People" section. Here's what Mr. McBride had to say.

Yawn
Massapequa, L.I.: Will someone inform Mr. High and Mighty Mike Lupica that there are other things going on in the sports world besides Roger Clemens? We get it, Mike. You don't like him. Please move on to your millionth tired article about the Yankees' payroll.

Daniel, if I was a gay man, I'd proposition you for sex. Hell... if you take me up on the drink offer, I might proposition you for sex anyway. Okay, that's a joke, but you get what I'm saying.

This guy hammered Lupica... not only for constantly writing about Roger Clemens... but for writing the same boring articles about the Yankees payroll over and over too!!

Maybe now that this has been said IN THE PAPER, the editors in the sports department will REALIZE that Mike's been submitting the same 5 articles for the last 10 years, and demand something new from him. Don't they realize that he's freeloading for a paycheck?

Daniel, you the man.

I Love Being Proven Right....

Did I tell you guys yesterday that Lupica has a fucking Roger obsession? Did he prove me right? I swear to fucking Christ, if this arrogant little prick isn't the most predictable force in ignorant sports journalism, I'll be fucked by a gorilla.

I don't know what I find more disgusting. The idea of Roger Clemens having sexual relations with a 15 year old girl...

Or the image of Mike Lupica masturbating furiously to pictures of The Rocket every time some new fact comes out in this page, as he moans things like, "Oh yeah Roger... you naughty boy. If you keep being so naughty I'll be as cool as Mitch Albom!!" and spraying his little dwarven seed all over his word processor.

Without even reading this article, I'm sure of three things.

1) Lupica will make a reference to politics, most likely the Clintons.
2) Lupica will make a reference to Jason Giambi.
3) There will be some obscure reference to pop culture from 25 years ago that nobody gets, but it will nevertheless become a central concept of the column.

So here we go...

So now he comes out with an apology about nothing, an artless, pathetic combination of lawyering and agenting that makes Clemens sound like Bill Clinton saying he did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.

And here's item number 1 on the checklist.

Bill Clinton didn't have sex with that woman. He let her hold his cigar. Does this really have anything to do with Roger Clemens? Nope.

This is the kind of apology that Jason Giambi originally gave when his testimony about using steroids, offered in front of the BALCO grand jury, was leaked to a newspaper.

Bingo! That's two out of three!!

For the six thousandth time Mike, everybody knew what Giambi was apologizing for. His confession to a Grand Jury was leaked to the papers. Giambi's vagueness was for the purpose of protecting the three years and about $60 Million that remained on his contract. And Giambi never really "lied" about taking drugs.

Clemens is lying about doping. And lying about screwing a 15-year old. And probably lying about 7,000 other things. And he was vague because he doesn't want to get sued. Regardless, this situation is very fucking different. You're the only one who doesn't understand that Mike.

There is a book that Dan Jenkins wrote called "Baja Oklahoma," and in it Jenkins lists his 10 stages of drunkenness. And the last two could apply to almost anything, to being drunk with power or celebrity or ego or even being President of the United States. On Jenkins' list No. 9 is invisible and 10? No. 10 is bulletproof.

I don't want to brag or boast... but "Baja Oklahoma" was published in 1981. That makes it roughly 27 years old. Now lets see if it becomes a recurring theme in the article. All we have to do is skip to the end...

He still thinks he is bulletproof. He's not. He must have thought that once he started swinging away, nobody else would swing back. That's not the way it works.

Emphasis is, of course, mine. Stage 10 of drunkenness according to Dan Jenkins' 27-year old book comes back again. Roger thinks he's bulletproof. That's stage 10!!!! Woo hooo!!

Here's my question. What in fucking hell do these 10 stages of drunkenness have to do with Roger Clemens? Is Lupica suggesting that Clemens is drunk?

Well, that would be the most reasonable explanation so far for why he started sticking it to a 15-year old girl.... guys do some crazy shit when they're drunk.

A "New" Topic For Lupica...Steroids!!!

If you look to the right of Lupica’s article today on the Daily News website, you’ll see an area labeled “Most Recent Columns.” Here are their titles:

“Recording latest misfire from Rocket”
“Truth will set Rocket free”
“Fed up with the Rocket”
“When vacation ends, Roger Clemens' fight to save legacy begins”
“Let's salute baseball fans”
“Roger peddles Tour de Farce”
“House should play hardball”
“If Roger Clemens wants to tell his story, he should tell it to Congress”
“Scott Boras supplies dirty cover-up”

So in Lupica’s last nine articles, eight of them are about Clemens and/or steroids.

EIGHT of them!

Tell me this loser doesn’t sit around recycling the same old shit on a weekly basis!

The only article not about steroids is a puff piece “saluting” New York baseball fans, when in reality he uses the article to bash the Yankees, praise the Red Sox, and give the Mets yet another pass regarding their epic 2007 collapse.

So, when I saw today’s article’s headline, “Athlete’s Lies Worst Of All,” I knew it was going to be another snooze fest full of steroids bullshit.

But apparently Lupica feels this is a very important topic, so I will provide a public service by giving you today’s article – word for word – right here on our website.

Here is Lupica’s January 13 article, in its entirety:

Blah blah blah steroids blah blah Mitchell blah blah McGwire blah blah Congress blah blah Clemens blah blah Hall of Fame blah blah blah Marion Jones blah blah Bonds blah blah flaxseed oil blah blah BALCO blah blah blah McNamee blah blah blah.

Creative, original, exhilarating.

***

Just by playing the way he did against Tampa Bay and getting the Giants out of the first round, Eli Manning has already had a better postseason than A-Rod and Jeter combined.

Well why not compare Eli to what Reyes or Beltran or Wright or Wagner did in the post season?

Oh, right.

Put me down as somebody who thinks that Johan Santana is a wonderful pitcher, but not the second coming of Sandy Koufax and not somebody I would pay $150 million on a bet.

He forgot to add “unless the Mets or Red Sox get him” at the end of that sentence.

Let me sum up the rest of Lupica’s blurbs from this weeks article, because it's basically the same bullshit that he writes every week…

Blah blah blah Isiah Thomas blah blah Dolan blah blah blah Knicks blah blah Marbury blah blah blah Giuliani blah blah even more Clemens shit (unreal) blah blah blah…

Creative, original, exhilarating.

Again.

More Clemens bullshit

Here is Mike's take on Clemens pitching tonight.

Oh Christ, does anyone still care about his opinion on the Yankees, since it's just an unbelievably biased load of HORSE SHIT????

Clemens gets the ball against the Indians tonight. Even in the first round, it is the biggest game he has ever pitched for the Yankees, the one he made sound like it was practically his civic duty to come back and pitch when he announced his Yankee comeback, to all manner of Yankee foofaraw and fanfare, one Sunday afternoon at the Stadium.

Er, how is Game 3 of the 2007 ALDS more important than Game 7 of the 2001 World Series?

Retard.

Now Clemens, who hasn't pitched since Sept. 16, who was paid a million bucks a start to come back and has produced exactly six victories so far and a 6-6 record, isn't asked to put the Yankees ahead of the Indians. He is asked to keep the Yankee season, one he pledged to come back and save, very much alive.

Pedro Martinez 2007 "Fun Facts!"
Starts – five
Wins – three
Salary - $14 million
Pay per start - $2.8 million

Owned.

The Yankees look to him, and he has won big October games for the Yankees before - remember Game 2 against the Mets in the Subway Series of 2000?

Wha??

Game 2 of the World Series is huge? After winning Game 1?

Talk first about Clemens, asked to win the Geezer Game that Tom Glavine could not win for the Mets one week ago.

Tom Glavine couldn’t win, Pedro Martinez couldn’t win, El Duque couldn’t win…

Can they come back? After everything that has happened since the Yankees last won it all, I still think they will.

But don’t worry – if the Yankees blow it, good ole Mikey will be writing articles about it until the end of time.

One of the most famous starters in all of baseball history is supposed to save a season tonight.

Well, here’s the thing.

Clemens had to leave the game due to an injury.

DUE TO AN INJURY.

He didn’t fail because he sucked.

But…let’s look at players who DID fail, not because of injury, but because they SUCKED…

Jose Reyes, September 2007 - .205 BA. A total loser when he’s needed.

Pedro Martinez, September 27 – Needed a win against the lowly Cardinals, Pedro gets the loss.

Tom Glavine, September 30 – Got lit up like a dirty bitch in the last game of the season, effectively ending the Mets year.

* * *

How's Kaz Matsui looking these days?

Looks to me like he’s still playing, something I can’t say about Jose Reyes.

While we're on the subject of the Mets…

FINALLY, Mike is finally going to rip them to shreds, for folding at the end of the season like little bitches, for having the highest payroll in the NL and not even making the playoffs, for Jose Reyes playing worse than, well, worse than Kaz Matsui…

Before the business of next season begins in earnest, there is still a lot of work to be done this past season.

And that means Fred Wilpon, Jeff Wilpon, Omar Minaya and Willie Randolph - just the four of them, nobody else from the front office - have to get together in a room and sort things out.

That’s all we get?

Actually Mike said some more shit, but it was lame, and it CERTAINLY wasn’t knocking the Mets.

Jose Reyes went from being called the most exciting player in baseball, and even a possible MVP candidate…

Well, who was the dumb midget turd who said something stupid like that?

Please Mike, don’t act like it wasn’t you who was trying to get a reach-around from Reyes.

Jeez, you never say anything bad about Reyes – what’s the matter, he didn’t swallow last night?

…to being the third-best shortstop in his own DIVISION.

Well that’s what happens when you are in a powerhouse division like, uh, the, uh, NL East.

Oh, and that’s also what happens when you OVERRATE a player.

And it all seemed to happen faster than Reyes can go from first to third.

Ah - I knew you would sneak a compliment in there somehow. Nice touch – maybe he’ll swallow now.

Speaking of which – remember when Mr. Lupica said the following about Jose Reyes?

"In the first week of March, there is nothing better than turning on the television in the afternoon and seeing Reyes at the plate." – Shooting From The Lip, 3.4.07

Check out what was in today’s column…

there is still nothing better on a Sunday afternoon than watching Brett Favre - the Cal Ripken of his sport and the Henry Aaron of his sport - throw a football around the way he is right now for the Packers.

If you have Brett Favre in fantasy football, I think it’s time to unload him.

Maybe somebody needs to tell Tom Coughlin that he has absolutely no chance of keeping his job, and that bringing him back was the dumbest idea since "Temptation Island."

Dude, get the HELL out of your house. These reality TV references are getting creepy.

Go play ball or something outside with your kids…

…if they aren’t too embarrassed to be seen with you in public.

Pedro is GOD OF THE METS!!!!

Look at how Lupicock is still in spin mode, this time for Pedro, as the rest of the team completely falls on their face.

No Reyes to squeal about, no Glavine, no Beltran.

Just Pedro.

The lone bright spot for the Mets.

He is 3-1.

HAHAHAHAAHA The ONE GREAT pitcher for the Mets – THREE AND ONE!

Please.

He started 13 fewer games than Roger Clemens and still has half as many wins.

1. Only fools judge a pitcher’s worth on their number of wins.

2. Pedro is 35 and Clemens is 44 – who had less starts this year due to injuries?

3. Who had less starts in the last THREE years due to injuries?

4. I forgot – who’s going to the post season?

If one other big guy on the Mets pitching staff had shown up like this, the Mets would have won the NL East already and be setting things up so that Pedro, who wasn't around all summer, could pitch Game 1 against somebody this week.

What the hell is this idiot talking about?

Shown up like Pedro? Pedro LOST his last start, you dopey moron!

AND someone else DID show up to pitch. Maine threw a one-hitter on Saturday, and the Mets STILL didn’t win the NL East.

You even wrote a FUCKING ARTICLE ABOUT MAINE'S GAME, YOU DOUCHE. YOU FORGOT ALREADY!?!? Jeez, Reyes chokes down the stretch, and you start singing the praises of Pedro, who lost his last start. Holy Christ this shithead is amazing.

He worked harder than ever and came back and the other night, when he gave his team the seven innings he did, he could have helped save the Mets if he had gotten any help from all those who are supposed to be hitting stars on this team: Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Delgado.

Look genius…if Pedro was such a hero, he wouldn’t have to rely on his hitters to get him a win.

Three runs in 7 innings is hardly the work of a hero.

He missed the end of last year and saw his team fall one game short of the World Series, really one pitch short - the one to Yadier Molina in Game 7 - and didn't get the chance to close his New York deal.

At 34 years old, he went 9-8, then bowed out of the season due to an injury.

A true hero, indeed.

He came back this September, ready to deal. He pitched 28 innings and struck out 32 with that repaired right shoulder and had a 2.57 September ERA. He was every bit the star he was supposed to be.

Except for the last game he pitched.

Who else, of the Mets stars, can say the same right now?

Since their season is over?

No one.

* * *

You have to say there is at least the possibility Red Sox vs. Yankees wouldn't have been this close if Manny Ramirez hadn't missed an entire month down the stretch.

Yes, let’s all give the Red Sox a big gay hug for somehow managing to hold on to a division lead that went from 14.5 games to 1.5 games.

Fascinating.

It would only have been like the Yankees losing Jeter for a month.

In 2003 Jeter was out for a month and a half with a dislocated shoulder; Yankees easily won the division by 6 games.

I’m quite sure you made no mention of that back in 2003.

Every time I see a picture of Lindsay Lohan's old man, or read more quotes from him, I imagine him having to go 12 rounds with one of the Klitschko brothers.

First one.

Then the other.

Wave the three-knockdown rule.

Why does Lupica have such a hard-on for Lindsay Lohan? I don’t even get what the hell he said about her dad. Does he find it funny to knock her all the time? She’s old news, and cracking on her and her family has gotten old.

Really.

Old.

Say it again: The Yankees better win the World Series and Family Guy Clemens better have a hand in doing that, or the pro-rated $28 million salary is as big a waste of money as Kei Igawa.

Say THIS again, or even ONCE…The 2007 Mets – the all-time biggest waste of $115,231,663.

Wow, doesn’t that have such a pleasant ring to it?

Oh yeah, he better give them a bang for their buck in October.

Or else what?

He was a big part of the Yankees getting to the post-season.

Pedro was a big part of getting the Mets to the October golf course, whether you like it or not.

I still think the Yankees should start David Cone in Game 3 of any series.

Well, he certainly can’t start for the Mets in Game 3 of any postseason series, now can he?

At least not this year.

The Yankees had to play their division series in Cleveland the last time they were a wild card, which didn't exactly work out so great exactly 10 years ago.

And Yankees fans should be concerned about that, because the 2007 Indians are the SAME EXACT TEAM as the 1997 Indians.

Jeez, even the 2007 Mets resemble their 1997 team better, due to neither team MAKING THE PLAYOFFS.

Lupica starting to make shit up

Lucky us, the Dirty Bitch Lupica barely touched on the Yankees this week. Probably because they went 4-2 since his last putrid article.

Joba Chamberlain is going to be a big Yankee starter, I get that.

Wow, Mike. Impressive.

Going to be such a tremendous Yankee starter that they can't pitch him two days in a row while he's a reliever. I get that.

Gee, Mike, nothing gets past you!

What I don't get: Why can't Joba Chamberlain be groomed to be the Mo Rivera of the future?

Ah Christ, I knew it wouldn’t last.

You dumb fuck – who said he can’t be groomed to be the closer?

Ever hear of Dave Righetti?

You think we'd be hearing about how brave Roger Clemens is, pitching through elbow problems and blister problems, if his record were 10-2 instead of 6-6?

Who the FUCK is calling Clemens “brave”?

I swear to Christ, Lupica makes this shit up when there is nothing left to rag on the Yankees about.

First it was the Yankees announcers who “cheered” too much for them to win – Shooting From The Lip, 8-19-07.

Then it was Hughes being regarded as the “best prospect in the land” – Shooting From The Lip, 9.02.07.

Now everyone is supposedly calling Clemens “brave”?

Mike, put down the crack pipe, you are hallucinating again…

They know the age is 45, but they expect him to pitch like his number, which is 22.

Oh, haha.

Ha.

Tim McCarver’s on the phone…he wants his sense of humor back.

If the Yankees had lost Derek Jeter at the end of August and the beginning of September the way the Red Sox have lost Manny Ramirez with an oblique injury...there'd be talk of Purple Hearts all around, right?

Uh, no, because Manny Ramirez has a history of September “ailments” that seem to magically elude MRI’s and x-rays.

When Jeter gets hurt, he plays through it, like he has been with his busted up knee.

But, it’s okay, because it’s Manny “being Manny”!

Manny’s built-in injury excuse is…himself!

The only one who deserves a Purple Heart is Jeter, because he plays through pain.

And Lupica deserves a kick in the balls for constantly dissing him.

Yanks to blame if they miss playoffs...NO SHIT!

Big news, Lupica haters…This week, Lupica decided to write about something other than bashing the Yankees.

Just kidding! It’s the same bullshit that Lupica has been writing about for the last month or so…if the Yankees don’t make the playoffs, it's on the heads of Torre, Cashman, and the players!

No shit!? I thought the tee shirt vendors across the street were to blame!

Thanks for the heads up, Master of the Obvious!

If the Yankees had won a game against the Tigers that started late Friday night and ended at 3:30 Saturday morning, nobody would have been blaming Major League Baseball because of when it started and when it finished, or looking to point fingers as soon as Carlos Guillen's 3-run dinger cleared the fence.

Nobody would have been mad at anybody and Joe Torre wouldn't have been at a loss for words when it was over. Are you kidding? It would have been a brand new episode of "Yankeeography"!

Actually, the Yankee announcers were complaining about it before the game even started…remember, the announcers that YOU keep ripping for being "homers"?

Oh sure. If a Yankee had hit the home run Guillen hit for the Tigers, the whole thing would have been classified as an instant pinstriped classic.

Newsflash: the ending time of a game does not dictate whether or not the game is a classic, you clueless bitch.

The Yankees want to be the late show of this baseball season, here and everywhere. Want to be, should be.

For a columnist who blasts us with run-on sentences on a weekly basis, this is probably the BEST run-on sentence he has ever written.

Give them all props for coming back the way they have...

Practice what you preach, you stupid midget.

But remember something as they make one last run: This isn't "The Little Engine That Could." Or even close.

Uh oh, do I smell a team salary comment coming up?

This is another $200 million team…

BINGO!!!

Mike Lupica, leading the charge in bringing us new and exciting facts about our favorite New York sports teams…well, that, and regurgitating THE SAME BULLSHIT FOR YEARS…

The reality of this Yankee team is that if it doesn't make it to the postseason, which would mean the first Yankee team since 1993 not to make it to the postseason…

1993? That would mean the Yankees made the postseason in 1994.

Wow, remember how great that postseason was?

Me neither.

The Yankees have their team now. If they don't win with it, then the deal is the same as it's been all along: Somebody over there ought to have some explaining to do.

Just because the deal is the same doesn’t mean your column has to be the same, every week, for two months.

Have they had to overcome a lot? They have.

Uh oh…here comes the Mets comparison!

You think the Mets haven't?

I swear to god, you can set your watch to Mike Lupica.

The Mets haven't had Pedro Martinez since last summer. What comparable long-term pitching loss have the Yankees had since then?

Holy shit, cry me a river, Mike!

Go cry to the Mets for not picking up a pitcher in the offseason to fill in for the hurt Pedro.

Torre has his team. It is a team that has fought back, over the last three months, as well as any he has had. Now that team is supposed to finish the job. No medals for trying. At least not at these prices.

That’s right Mike - the season shouldn’t even be played, because the Yankees have the highest payroll, they should automatically be in the postseason.

Funny - I don’t recall Mike going ape shit like this when the Mets were dying in last place with the highest payroll in the National League.

***

I will watch "Big Brother 8" before I watch another single minute of NFL preseason football.

Shouldn’t sports columnists be more into things like, you know, SPORTS, rather than outdated reality TV shows?

I'm thinking now that I should have gotten with Roger Clemens' trainer when I turned 45.

Please Mike, you were a lost cause back when you were in elementary school…remember, when you always got picked last for pick up games?

When David Ortiz hits the way he has hit the last couple of weeks, the Red Sox are better.

So let me get this straight...when Ortiz is better, the Red Sox are better?

Quality insight right there.

Did you know, the team win the most runs after nine innings, wins?

I can't lie: I wasn't watching when Bonds hit No. 761 the other night.

Oh Mike, you are such an outstanding sports fan.

NO ONE outside of San Francisco was watching either.

I have a feeling that Bonds homerun was only one of many baseball events that Lupica has missed.

Seeing there is so much bad reality TV to watch.

This week, it's Clemens that takes the hit!

UPDATED 8.08.07

Oh, look, everyone! Our favorite little dirty bitch Mikey wrote ANOTHER Yankee bashing article! This stupid ass has NOTHING better to write about? How about the Mets losing their grip on first place? How about the Yankees working their way into the Red Sox backyard? How about the Yankees in the wildcard race?

No such luck - we get the usual anti-Yankee bullshit. Again.

There has been nothing remarkable about Clemens except his salary.

Actually, the remarkable thing is that Mikey keeps slamming the Yankees, while the Red Sox lead has been melting away on a daily basis, and the Mets are 17-15 since July 1st.

He is 3-5 and should be 3-6, because when you put your team in an 8-0 hole the way he did on Thursday afternoon and your team ends up losing the game, you're the losing pitcher.

So Mikey wants to tack on extra losses because of Thursday's disaster, but he says nothing about the games Clemens should have won.

June 15 vs Mets (first place team), 6.1 IP, 2 ER, Clemens loses 2-0.
July 7 vs Angels (first place team), 8 IP, 1 ER, Clemens loses 2-1.
July 18 vs Bjays, 6 IP, 1 ER, Clemens gets ND.

Clemens should have gotten the win in those 3 games - so he should actually be 6-4.

But why would Mikey want to confuse anyone with facts when he can just as easily put his stupid ass anti-Yankee spin on everything?

By the way Mikey, how many of those eight runs were earned?

Oh, right. Three.

The Yankees better make the playoffs and Clemens better pitch better the rest of the way, or you know what he is? He is more wasted pitching money.

Oh my god, the horror! Please say it isn't so!

The way Igawa is. The way Carl Pavano was.

Only a dumb baised shit like Lupica would compare Clemens to the likes of Igawa and Pavano.

The Yankees didn't spend high this week to go out and rent - or even buy - a top reliever like Eric Gagne, one who fits their current needs much better than he fits Boston's. Why?

Because they didn’t want to give up anyone named Cano, Cabrera, Hughes, Chamberlain, or Kennedy for some fat mess who'll become a free agent at the end of the season? Because they didn’t want to sell the farm, which you always say they do? You dick?

Because they have already rented the most expensive high-rent pitcher in the history of baseball: Clemens. They are paying him $1 million a start and so far they have gotten three wins out of him.

1. The Yankees can afford it.

2. Three wins that should have been six. (See the numbers above…they are called stats, Mikey).

(Randy) Johnson had an earned run average of 5.00 last season, on his way to 17 victories. Clemens is a little bit under that as he has gotten to 3-5 in those 11 million-dollar starts.

Clemens ERA is 4.23. How is that considered a little bit under 5? That’s almost a full point.

Before Thursday's debacle, Clemens ERA was 3.92.

UPDATE 8.08.07

Clemens gave up one run in 6 innings last night, so his ERA is now 4.00.

Once again, NOT a little bit under 5.

Thanks for not being biased. Again.

Asshole.

Clemens has the 3rd best ERA of all the Yankees starters - exactly what the Yankees expected of him; the third starter.

If the Yankees don't make the playoffs, and if this is all Clemens has, then he is just another pitcher in decline who came here for a lot of Yankee money …Kevin Brown was that guy (trade) and Javy Vazquez was that guy (trade), so were Jose Contreras ($5 mil) and Randy Johnson (trade).

Nice job, Mikey! Three of the four guys you said came here for "a lot of Yankee money" were traded here.

Can you believe this ass munch actually gets paid to write this shit?

I was waiting for Matsui to put the whole thrilla thing back into the Godzilla thing.

Well, now that Matsui is kicking ass all over the league, will you give him props, like you do with all your bitches over in Flushing?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

By the way, I think the reason most people rooted the way they have for A-Rod to hit No. 500 is so Yankee announcers would stop treating routine fly balls to the outfield like the most exciting thing to happen in baseball since Bobby Thomson's home run.

Uh…what?

People cheered for Arod to hit his 500th homerun to protest the Yankee announcers' coverage of routine fly balls?

If anyone can comprehend what the fuck Lupica is trying to say here, please let me know.

Oh, I keep forgetting. Mikey just wants to slam the Yankees, Yankee fans, Yankee announcers, Yankee hats, Yankee keychains.

You know, like most objective sports columnists.

Mike Lupica drowns in Mets Kool Aid

Holy Christ Mike, put down the Mets Kool Aid before you go into some sort of sugar shock.

This week, Mike talks about how the Mets are going to be going toe-to-toe with the Yankees from now on, because the Mets are going to have a shiny new stadium!

Shea sometimes feels as old as dirt. It is the Mets who feel new all over again, even as their new ballpark is built in front of our eyes, on the edges of this season. The Yankees will have their own new ballpark by then. But it will not be Yankee Stadium and they will not draw 4 million anymore. The Mets will draw as big as the Yankees draw when both new parks are open, and will go toe-to-toe with them from now on.

Yes people - the Mets new "Citi Field" (pronounced "Shitty Field") will somehow magically put the Mets in the same league as the Yankees.

Apparently, Yankees fans will stop going to Yankees games because it will no longer be "Yankee Stadium".

And the Mets will draw as many people as the Yankees, because of that new stadium, and because their super cool mascot, Mr. Met, will be there too!

Why people will FLOCK to Shitty Field

Nobody can win the past with the Yankees. The Red Sox can't, the Mets can't, no one can.

Good for you Mike! The first step to recovery is being able to admit you have a problem.

But this is a fair fight between the Yankees and Mets from now on.

Easy, Mikey.

You had a taste of the post season after completely SUCKING for five years. (You wanna talk about payroll? How'd that National League top payroll work out for the Mets in 2005? 3rd place. 2004? Last place. 2003? Last place.)

Come back to us when the Mets actually WIN a world series.

I'll even take a NL pennant, just because I'm a nice guy.

And because you are so pathetic in your desperation.

The Yankees aren't going to dominate baseball ever again the way they did between 1996 and 2000.

Right - because history proves the Yankees never had the ability to dominate.

Well, except for the late '70s.

And early '60s. And there was that stretch in the '50s. And the late '40's.

Late '30s and '20s too.

Other than those times, the Yankees never dominated. And we shouldn't expect them to dominate ever again.

Even with the age we always hear about on their pitching staff, even with 40-year-old Moises Alou playing left and old Valentin at second, there is still something fresh and new to the Mets

Fresh and new?

Could it be the World Series trophy?

Haha, no, that can't be it.

Could it be Billy (We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs) Wagner?

Haha, I don't think so.

Could it be the emergence of Reyes and Wright?

Possibly.

I know what it is - it's Paul LoDuca's posse of underaged girlfriends!

Fresh and new indeed.

It is only the first week. The Mets make us pay attention to them already, as they try to come out of the blocks this season the way they did last season. That was an amazing series against the Cardinals in St. Louis, even if it didn't make up for Yadier Molina. The Braves' series started with that beatdown Friday night.

The Braves series started with a win, and ended with 2 losses.

Fresh and new?

Sounds more like "same old, same old" to me.

There will be almost daily speculation about Roger Clemens, as if the Stadium will fall down before Shea does if the Yankees don't somehow sign a pitcher who will turn 45 this season, one who walked away from them nearly four years ago.

The only one who has been speculating about Clemens for the past year has been YOU.

Time to move on Mike.

Maybe it will be this way for the Mets someday, after they have won a World Series or two.

Mike, they've been around for over 40 years and have a grand total of TWO World Series titles.

Get over this fact - the Mets will never be on the same level as the Yankees.

Ever.

Lets see the Mets match the quality of the Braves last decade first.

Hell, catch up to the success of the friggin Marlins first before you try comparing the Mets to the Yankees.

Get your head out of your ass - one division title does not make a team.

And a poorly named new stadium isnt going to help.

Pass on the Kool Aid Mike - you've had enough.

***

How do I get some kind of reprieve from the daily A-Rod clutch-hitting watch?

You have two choices: turn off the TV or watch him as he destroys the league.

It's not rocket science.

Just because he is light years better than your boyfriend Reyes doesnt mean you cant enjoy watching him.

You think Carlos Beltran, even at $100 million, is looking like more and more of a bargain to the pinstripers?

I dont know, last October he looked more and more like a statue.

Happy Birthday today to my point guard, Zach Lupica, age 15. Everybody always says you can't measure heart. You keep showing everybody.

SHADDAP!!! No one gives a rat's ass.

More steroid crap, Giambi (surprise), Clemens, Tim McCarver!?

Another weekend, another stupid Lupica article.

Lupica wastes this week's allotted newspaper space with yet another piece on the steroid issue in MLB.

You may be asking yourself, "didn’t Lupica write a stupid article about steroids last week?" Of course! Welcome to Mike Lupica's world of redundancy! Once again, Lupica plagiarizes himself and still holds a job. Unreal.

You may also be asking yourself, "hmm, I wonder if Mike Lupica has finally written an article about steroids without mentioning Jason Giambi?"

WRONG.

Once again we are back to that: Jason Giambi, standup guy! His performance in public was as artful as Bonds' was in front of the grand jury. He wanted to show everybody how bad he felt, maybe even get them to feel sorry for him, all the while making sure he didn't say anything that would have given the Yankees a chance to void his huge contract.

Yes, once again Michael, we are back to that: Jason Giambi, who admitted using steroids…FOUR YEARS AGO. Did Giambi apologize for it? Yes. Is Lupica still confused about what Giambi apologized for? Of course.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "I can't wait to see what Mike Lupica says about the Met's Guillermo Mota for failing a steroid test!"

Guess what Lupica said about Mota this week?

Nothing.

Not a word.

As usual, Lupica has to focus on bashing Yankee players; Mets players seem to always get a free pass.

Two weeks of steroid articles, two weeks with no mention of Guillermo Mota, the latest New York ballplayer to get busted for steroids.

Anyone surprised?

I didn’t think so.

Speaking of being surprised, did anyone fall off their chair when they saw Lupica had a blurb about Roger Clemens?

Are the Yankees really going to genuflect this way on Roger Clemens, who left them high and dry after the last game he pitched in the 2003 World Series?

Clemens is such a beauty you want to hug him.

How did Clemens leave the Yankees high and dry? Did he just bail on the team? Who expected him to be pitching for the Yankees in 2004? I remember he got a standing ovation in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS - was it because everyone expected him back with the Yankees the next season?
Mike, don’t hate Clemens just because he didn’t add the Mets to the list of teams he would consider pitching for this season.

And don’t hate him because he's taller than you.

EVERYONE is taller than you.

Warning : the next Lupica blurb may cause violent barfing and explosive diarrhea.

Ron Darling gets better and better doing Mets games on SNY.

He and Keith Hernandez and Gary Cohen make it as much fun watching the Mets on television as it used to be when McCarver first hit town.

While I agree that Gary Cohen is a good announcer, how the HELL could he give Tim McCarver props!?

Oh, that's right - he's a Yankee hater too.

Maybe they share hair-dye secrets as well.

Here's some quality observations made by Tim McCarver.

Two jackasses who have nothing to say get paid for what they say.

Unbelievable.

Clemens, comparing Yankees and Mets, the ARod/Jeter non-issue...

What a surprise – Lupica wasted his entire article space on Roger Clemens and what it would do to the Yankees average age if they signed him, and how it would compare to the Mets, who are opening their new stadium, Jurassic Park, within the next few years.

How is this a story again, in February? I must have missed the press conference where the Yankees introduced Clemens as their ace.

This is a topic Lupica has touched on a dozen times before, and he can’t seem to let it go. He also can’t seem to stop bashing the Yankees, but this comes as a surprise to no one. As usual, Lupica just regurgitates the same old crap and somehow still collects a paycheck.

Let’s take a look at some excerpts from this week's “Shooting From The Lip” column…

…we read about the old guys, too, because the Yankees and Mets, both of them, will rely mightily on old guys this season: Glavine, El Duque, Pedro, Mussina, Pettitte.

Nobody is relying mightily on Pedro Martinez this season you jackass – he’s going to be out until September.

Let’s examine what’s left of Lupica’s comparison…

Tom Glavine – 41 years old
El Duque – 41 years old (or more)
Average – 41 years old

Mike Mussina – 38 years old
Andy Pettitte – 35 years old
Average – 36.5 years old

Nice comparison, Mike.

Imagine how the average age of everything would go up if the Yankees had hung on to Randy Johnson…

Imagine if the Yankees traded him…oh right, they did. Another moot point – typical Lupica garbage.

We have a lot of fun with how old the Mets are because of Glavine and El Duque and Moises Alou. But the Yankees won't have a starting outfielder under the age of 32.

Another misleading comparison.

Bobby Abreu - 33 years old
Johnny Damon - 33 years old
Hideki Matsui - 33 years old
Average - 33 years old

Shawn Green - 34 years old
Carlos Beltran - 30 years old
Moises Alou - 40 years old
Average - 34.7 years old

See Mike? I can use stats to work in the Yankees favor - thanks for being unbiased!

By the way Mike, can you try to sound more like an adult newspaper columnist and less like an 8 year old arguing with his mother for the last lollipop? “Waah! But you said I could have the last one!”

Clemens told his son Koby, an Astros farmhand, that he was "80-20" against pitching again this season.

Anyone notice how “80-20” has made it’s way onto Lupica’s list of favorite numbers?

Mike Lupica’s Official List of Favorite Numbers:

1. 200 million
2. 80-20

Cashman seems ready to let go of 1996. Not everybody is, apparently.

Yeah, and Yankees fans seem ready to let go of the payroll issue.

Not everybody is, apparently.

When you were reading about the silliness between A-Rod and Capt. Jeter, starting this time when A-Rod got the first word in, didn't you feel as if it were like some sort of baseball, guy sequel to "Mean Girls"?

Oh I see, the A-Rod/Jeter non-story is now considered “silliness”? That’s why you wrote an entire article about it? (“Bombers Best Not Buddies”, 8.19.06) I guess since it’s considered “silliness”, you aren’t going to bring it up again? Yeah, right!

Nice reference to a Lindsay Lohan movie that no self-respecting sports fan would comprehend. (I had to look it up).

Ya think Mike got a discount at the movie theater because he’s the same height as an average 10 year old?