Wright Time For Another September Collapse! Oh, And The Mets Payroll is Over $140 Million Dollars!!

Somebody mentioned throwing up in their mouth in the comments of the last post. Here's what made me throw up in my mouth.

Yup, it's more Met gush.

There are no victory laps for the Mets, not after last September and not before this September even begins.

Oh, you mean because their bullpen is already in shambles, and baseball's oldest team has a new injury every day?

Jerry Manuel, who has done some job here, tells anybody who will listen that you don't forget what happened last year, you learn from it and you use it.

Yeah, Jerry Manuel's really turned things around! He's hit like 30 homers, OPS'd 1.200, and pitched the Mets to 10 wins since he took over for Willie Randolph! What? He hasn't played a game? And he's probably a worse manager? Are you serious? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about? I guess he means when Manuel threatened to stab Reyes. That really lit a fire under them.

David Wright is no sure thing to be the MVP of the National League even if the Mets finish the job this time in the National League East.

You're damned right he's no sure thing!! He's batting .293/.386/.524 (OPS+ 141) with 25 homers... which, don't get me wrong, isn't bad at all.

But Albert Pujols is batting .359/.467/.639 (OPS+ 190) and has 28 homers in WAYYYYY less at bats. Not to mention that he's struck out 44 times... the entire year. For all the sick, crazy years this guy's had, this one is possibly the best, especially when he's been doing it with one good arm.

Lance Berkman's OPSing 1.061 so far. Matt Holliday is at 1.021. Chase Utley and Ryan Ludwick are tearing it up. Ryan Braun has 32 homers and 72 extra base hits. Brandon Webb is 19-4 with a 166 ERA+, and if he finishes with 22 or 23 wins, should get some votes...

David Wright, while having a good year, isn't legitimately in the TOP FIVE for MVP this year. Sorry David. Especially not on a $140M+ team with Beltran, Delgado, Reyes and all the other guys who are supposed to be legitimate major league hitters.

This is the way your stars are supposed to produce, when your team needs them the most, and the Mets needed Wright this season as much as they ever have.

As opposed to Pujols, who's shitty Cardinals are in last place because he only hits when it doesn't count, like in batting practice!!

Ermm... wait.... what?! They have a better record than the Mets?! You have to be fucking kidding me. Their starting rotation involves Kyle Loshe, Braden Looper, Todd Wellemeyer and Joel Piniero. They've only gotten 3 starts from Chris Carpenter! They've got more damaged goods on that pitching staff than Hugh Hefner has in the Playboy Mansion! Yes, I'm talking about you Kendra!!

So you talk about Delgado, you talk about Jose Reyes, who has been one of the best players in town this season even if people would still rather talk about what he doesn't do or can't do instead of what he does for the Mets, day in and day out.

Delgado is actually having a solid year... and he proved me wrong, because I said he was dead. Reyes is actually having the best year of his career. His 122 OPS+ is better than in 2006, when everybody loved to salivate over his speed. The steals are down, but the extra base hits are there, and the main knock against Reyes was his OBP... which is sitting at a solid .359.

Fernando Tatis is having the most fluky career revival I've ever seen and has 10 homers and a 123 OPS+. Mike Pelfrey has actually decided to pretend he's a major league pitcher for a while. Whatever... the Mets have the highest payroll in the NL. Why are we even discussing this. They're supposed to be good. It's not all because of Wright. So why is this article centered on him?

But he has been the big player for the Mets at third that Alex Rodriguez has not yet been for the Yankees, despite A-Rod's numbers in a season of his own that has been shortened by injuries.

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Sorry, I was banging my face into the keyboard. How could I be so blind? It had to be about attacking A-Rod.

A-Rod this year: .312/.402/.590 (OPS+ 160) with 28 homers in 407 at bats. He was hurt, he missed time, and he's been a fucking beast. Jason Giambi's batted .205 with RSIP. Why doesn't anybody EVER write an article about him? EVER?! Because it's more fun to fuck with the best player in the AL. I can't do this. I just fucking can't any more. Seriously, I'm done.

Hey Lupica! You're right! A-Rod is a fucking asshole. He sucks!! You win!! I can't continue to preach the same argument about looking at the numbers and VERY OBVIOUSLY SEEING that this guy is a freak of nature the likes of which the game has NEVER SEEN BEFORE EVER! I just can't. So you win.

You look at the left side of the Mets' infield over the season that has been played so far, especially the youth there, and once again ask a fair question about which guys you want on your side over the next few years in baseball, Wright and Reyes or A-Rod and Jeter.

Would you rather have two 12+ year vets... or two guys in their mid 20's!! WOW MIKE!!

Why don't you go ask Met fans if they'd rather have Jeter, and have won the World Series in 1996, 1998, 1999 and 2000... or Wright and Reyes and their youth.

I bet you 9 out of 10 Met fans would trade Wright and Reyes for the 2000 World Championship STRAIGHT UP. And then the Yankees would have Wright, Reyes, A-Rod AND Jeter!! HAHAHAAH!!!! Prove me wrong!!!

"I just love to win," he says. "You can have the stats and all the rest of it. I just want to win."

David Wright really said that? Hmm... he might be on his way to the Yankees on his own then... because he's not going to win shit in Flushing.

Fuck the rest of this article. Onto the blurbs!!!!

You can say this about Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware, who has been as tough and fearless talking about the war in Iraq as anybody in the Senate and not afraid to admit mistakes: From now until the end of this campaign, people certainly are going to know he's in the hall.

That's why I read the sports section of the NY Daily News! So that I can keep my finger on the pulse of the political agendas of liberal dwarves!!! Thank you Mike!! Without your insight, I'd have nothing to chat about with my co-workers. By the way, my co-workers are all Smurfs.

But I never did understand why Omega was initially reluctant to show the underwater video images of Phelps' amazingly close call with Milorad Cavic of Serbia in the 100-meter butterfly and why swimming's governing body, FINA, was no better than Omega.

I kept watching that hold-your-breath finish along with everybody else watching that night on television and I thought Phelps touched the wall first.

Well why weren't you at the Olympics then Mike? If your EYES are on the job, we don't even NEED to time the races!! You can just WATCH everybody, and let us know if YOU THINK they went fast enough to set a World Record!! You can reminisce about when you saw Carl Lewis run, and tell us that there's just no way that Bolt is faster than Carl Lewis!!

Let me explain this as clearly as I can. Nobody in this world, anywhere, in any country, give a flying fuck about your eyes, Mike. We don't care what you see, or what you think you see. You're just an asshole with a sports column in a newspaper. You're not the authority on anything. So just because YOU THOUGHT that Michael Phelps touched the wall first, doesn't mean that it's a done deal. We needed to know that he really did win that race. We needed replays and time-checks. Do you understand now?

A 13-year-old named Kelsey Thomas, from Redmond, Ore., won the eighth go-round of the ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer.

Yes Mike, we get it. Imus helps kids with Cancer! Sadly though, do you know what else we get? That helping kids with Cancer doesn't make it okay to spout racial slurs on a nationally broadcasted radio show. And for that, Imus is still a fucking asshole. Just like you.

Robinson Cano has had about as good a season as Rudy Giuliani, but the difference between him and our chatty former mayor is that there's still time for Cano to turn things around.

OMG WTF!? Cano is Guiliani? Does this make any fucking sense to anybody?

In Mike Lupica analogies, Jose Reyes is a lot like Barack Obama. Why? Because Lupica really wants to suck both of their cocks.

By the end of another Olympics, let's just say that I'm not looking to put that fanfare music on my iPod.

You know, I'm not surprised to hear that Lupica has an iPod. What he didn't tell you, is that it's a Shuffle. Not because of the price. Just because the regular iPod is too heavy for him. It's like a regular person carrying around a stereo system and DJ Speakers.

I am very hopeful that the Jets can make the playoffs this season even though I believe that Brett and Mangini might get along about as well as Bill and Hillary.

1) Who are you fucking kidding Mike? You want the Jets to crash and burn. You want to write 600 articles about what a mistake Favre was. You want to sit and cackle about their failures as you cheer on your New England Patriots behind closed doors. You want to suck breast milk from Tom Brady's tit and shit all over the Jets the way you shit all over EVERY New York Team.... unless they win a championship. Then you'll wax poetic about it for a couple of weeks, and gradually return to bashing them... starting with subtle digs and building up to full-blown idiocy.

2) Brett and Mangini might get along like Bill and Hillary? You really think they're going to have a daughter together? Aren't they both married men?

Just For The Record...

I tried, but I couldn't let this one go. This is from Lupica's Sunday Shooting from the Lip... and my buddy Fafa already mentioned it. Just wanted to point out some things.

Brett Gardner might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Bubba Crosby.

Crosby was 27 years old when he came to the Yankees with Scott Proctor in exchange for.... the 400 year old mummified corpse of Robin Ventura. A fourth outfielder, and a decent bullpen arm... in exchange for a third baseman's dead body.

Here's Bubba's career line in the minors: .277/.342/.417 with 48 homers and 107 steals over parts of 10 seasons.

And here are Brett Gardner's numbers: .288/.388/.385 with 9 homers and 150 steals over 4 parts of 4 seasons.

Gardner is 24 years old. He's extremely patient at the plate. He has blazing speed, as shown by his 34 stolen bases in 80 games at AAA. He's a plus-defensive player with outstanding range. Offensively, he's a slap-hitter. He has no illusions about hitting the ball out of the park. He doesn't have "developing power." He's a prototypical lead-off hitter.

Bubba Crosby didn't have great speed. He didn't have power. He had poor plate vision. He was a completely different player... and he was basically a throw-in.

The problem isn't that there's ANY similarity between these two players.

The problem is that Mike Lupica REALLY BELIEVED that Brian Cashman was comfortable with starting the 2006 season with Crosby in CF. This was NEVER the case. Cashman took that stance in an attempt to drive down the prices of viable CFs in trade and in free agency.

Yes, we're paying Damon $13 Million a year... if you remember correctly, he was originally looking for $15 Million a year, and 5 years.

There is NO reasonable comparison between Gardner and Crosby.

Am I saying that Gardner is a lock? No. Am I guaranteeing that he's a great player? No. But regardless, he's absolutely nothing like Crosby.

Comparing them is sort of like saying...

David Wright might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be Ty Wiggington.

Jose Reyes might turn out to be a keeper, and he might turn out to be a cross-dressing Polynesian midget on stilts!

Mike Pelfrey might turn out to be an ace, and he might turn out to be an alien space ship inhabited by Eddie Murphy!!!

Or my personal favorite...

Joe Smith might turn out to be a closer, and he might turn out to be a squirrel with a light saber!!!!

Shooting for the Blurbs...

Since Fafa already saved me the frustration of making statistical comparisons between Jeter and Jose Reyes and pointing out the obvious facts, that Jeter's on pace for well over 3,000 hits, has been a key member on 4 world championship teams, and will probably be the most unanimously voted first-ballot Hall of Famer in baseball history five years after he retires... I'm going to skip right to the blurbs. And boy, do we start with a bang.

You know why the Brewers can make a big play for C.C. Sabathia when they want to make a run?

Because they probably wanted to get him out of the AL? Because the Brewers offered several of the best prospects in their system, including a minor league outfielder who's hit 20 homers in less than half a year? Because it's still three weeks before the deadline and nobody else has really made any offers for Sabathia yet?

Because they have real prospects in their system, not Yankee prospects.

Or you could go with the crazy answer. I could comment on the quality of the "real prospects" that the Mets traded for Santana after Brian Cashman decided not to give up a bunch of those shitty "Yankee prospects." I could make fun of the fact that Santana's been in Queens for half a year, and already looks desperate to get the fuck out of there. I could even go through stats and point out the fact that players like Joba Chamberlain, Brett Gardner, Jose Tabata, Alan Horne, Andrew Brackman and Dellin Betances are, in fact, real, genuine article prospects who've come through the Yankee system, along with Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera over the last few years. Not to mention that Hughes and Kennedy aren't exactly busts just yet.

What has the Met system produced since Wright and Reyes? Joe Smith? Yup, a fucking side arming middle reliever. That's what the entire minor league system has given the Mutsies in the last 4+ years.

Back in the day, when Hugh Carey was the governor of New York and Jimmy Breslin nicknamed him Society Carey, Breslin also described Carey as "a dream character in dancing pumps."

Hugh Leo Carey was born on April 11, 1919. He was the Governor of New York (and yes, we capitalize titles out of respect for the people who hold/held them Mike. It's called journalism) from 1975 to 1982. You went at least 26 years into the past for this quote. What could possibly be so important about this quote as to make you dig so deep into the annals of your brain?

And that's sort of the way I think about Hank Steinbrenner now.

Of course. A veiled shot at Hank Steinbrenner. While we're at it, why don't you just make fun of his 78-year old, mostly infirmed father? Or maybe you can write a few articles about his sister's failed marriage, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? Mike Lupica is a classless piece of tabloid-writing shit who should be fired.

After Hank yelled about how the Yankees weren't hitting and they better start or else and then they put an 18-spot on the Rangers, Hank must have had to be tied down so he wouldn't float away.

Funny. Lets recollect some recent events.

Hank yelled about Mussina ---> Mussina turned his season around and has 11 wins already.
Hank yelled about hitting ---> Yankees score 18 runs the next day.

Lupica says "Mets need more guys like Wagner" ---> Since May 18th (when Lupica said this), Wagner's blown 5 saves.

Pre-Lupica Wagner: 17 IP, 9H, 0 ER, 9 saves, 1 blown save, 0.00 ERA.
Post-Lupica Wagner: 18 IP, 17H, 9 ER, 10 saves, 5 blown saves, 4.50 ERA.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Curse of Mike Lupica.

When I heard that the hotdog eating contest between Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi ended up in that tie and they had to go to a 5-dog overtime, I just assumed it was pretty much the same as penalty kicks in soccer.

I love the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest! I really do. Although I'm sure it's not for the same reason that Mike Lupica does. I'm fascinated by people with the ability to stuff like 30 pounds worth of food into their stomach in 12 minutes. Mike Lupica just likes watching men eat hot dogs. A lot.

If Jaromir Jagr were a baseball player, he'd probably say he'd signed with Avangard Omsk in Russia because of the school system there.

Or maybe he signed there because Glen Sather informed him that the club was moving on without him. And because that 36, he can make $5 million a year to play against lesser competition and not get his ass kicked for 82 games a year. It also might have to do with the fact that he played for Avangard Omsk when the NHL went on strike a few years ago. This wasn't so much about the money, as the fact that the Rangers told him to go. Why make him out to be the bad guy? He played his ass off in New York.

I guess my favorite headline in the whole slew of them with A-Rod was the one about how Madonna had "brainwashed" our third sacker.

Yup, there you have it. The favorite headline of the number 1 sports journalist in New York City is tabloid bullshit. Just for the record... I imagine that brainwashing went something like this:

Madonna: I'm loved by gay men all over the world... you're loved by gay men all over the world... that can't be a coincidence. Can it?
A-Rod: I never thought of it that way. We should move to Hollywood, have children and pray to Xenu together!!
Madonna: No no!!! Xenu is Scientology!! Scientology is for fucking wack-jobs and schizophrenics!! I'm into Kabbalah!
A-Rod: What's the difference?
Madonna: Kabbalah is like... well... it's like. Shit. It's Jewish Scientology, okay? You dick.

You know who is in a real tough spot if Brett Favre really does want to come back and play football this season?

The guy that writes for enough-lupica.com and placed bet $10,000 that Favre would stay retired?

The people running the Green Bay Packers are in a real tough spot.

I beg to differ. I think I'd be in a much tougher spot explaining how I lost TEN FUCKING GRAND on the dumbest bet I've made since betting that Ivan Drago would beat Rocky!!

Because they probably don't want to envision a world where he comes out of the tunnel at Lambeau Field wearing the colors of the Chicago Bears.

Hey Mike, listen. Fuck the Bears and fuck the Packers. I'm talking about ten thousand fucking dollars! I better not lose that money because some geriatric cock-sucker wants to take one last go of it. He rode off into the sunset. He better stay in the fucking sunset!!

It just shows you that you can never predict all the storylines for the Yankee season, unless of course you had kabbalah in the pool.

So Kabbalah tells the future? Great... I can track down Madonna and she can tell me what's gonna happen with this whole Favre thing, because I'm kind of worried that Big Tony's going to break my legs over some money.

(P.S. - No, I didn't REALLY bet any money on whether or not Favre would stay retired. I'm stupid, but not that stupid.)

Shooting From The...*YAWWWWWWNNNN*

I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get a little bit tiring, constantly having to defend New York sports from the tyranny of the Keebler Elf Leader. Luckily for me, he actually picked a new topic for Sunday's Shooting from the Lip! Something he's never bitched or whined about!! The New York Knicks!!! Hooray!!!!

Also, we have another mention of Lupica's friends. He sure does seem to have a lot of them, doesn't he? Must be hard for him to remember all of their names and birthdays, not to mention his busy schedule of being a centerpiece in circle jerks all over the tri-state area. Well, before you shed a tear, let me assure you that none of Lupica's "friends" actually have names... because they don't fucking exist.

There is a Knicks fan I know, a big one, who happened to be in London this week.

Bullshit Mike. Who'd you bump into? Spike Lee? He wouldn't risk his street cred to talk to your midget ass! Don't even fucking lie to me. There are like 17 Knicks fans (including myself) in the entire world right now. You didn't find one of them in London.

The last time he attended the NBA draft in person was the night the Knicks traded away Marcus Camby and Nene, did all that and got Antonio McDyess' knee in return.

Yeah, that was a bad fucking trade. But now I know it's not Spike Lee, because there's no way he hasn't been to a draft in that long.

But the guy was sure interested in this one, and sure that he didn't want the Italian kid, Danilo Gallinari.

Of course your imaginary Knick Fan friend doesn't want Gallinari!! If he did, then you'd have no vehicle in which to drive this shitty article up the ass of the 17 actual Knick fans who give a shit.

The guy said that he had stayed with his team through everything, through what has become the worst era in Knicks history, stayed with them through Isiah Thomas, but that if Donnie Walsh drafted the Italian kid, he was done with the Knicks, that's it, goodbye, he'd wait to see if the Nets ever actually made it to Brooklyn.

This Knick fan sounds a lot like Mike Lupica, doesn't he? Lets be serious here. You're a Knick fan (one of the 17) and you've been through season after season of embarrassing, frustrating losses. You've been through Isiah Thomas, Eddie Curry, Larry Brown, Isiah Thomas, Starbury, Lenny Wilkens, Herb Williams, Isiah Thomas, Alan Houston's knees, Antonio McDyess's mummified corpse, Isiah Thomas's sexual harassment suit, Nate Robinson attacking Malik Rose in the shower and Isiah Thomas... and you're gonna quit on your team because they draft a guy that you don't like? Before you ever see the guy play a fucking game?

If this was actually said by a "Knick fan", and not made up in the dwarven brain of Mike Lupica, then whoever this "Knick fan" is... is the worst excuse for a bandwagon fan in the history of bandwagon fanhood. The Knicks haven't even HAD a bandwagon in at least 10 years... and this guy's just jumping off it now?

Speaking of riding dead horses, they just loaded Eight Belles into the starting gate at Belmont for the 1st race. Velazquez thinks he can get one more good run out of her.

He doesn't play any defense, and if we're ever going to get good again in my lifetime, we're eventually going to have to play some defense, right?

Did D'Antoni make them play defense in Phoenix? How'd they do out there? Oh, that's right. Better than the Knicks. And how do you know how much defense Gallinari plays? WE'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN HIM IN THE NBA!!!!!

The drafting of the Italian kid - and that's if Walsh and D'Antoni are right about him - is the start of the team's extreme makeover.

Because what's a Mike Lupica article without some reference to Reality TV?! Extreme Makeover - Knicks Edition!

The Knicks aren't just the worst team in town, they are the one furthest from being something.
I think the Mets are fucked a lot more than the Knicks, no offense Met fans. The Knicks have some young guys that have shown improvement with Nate Robinson, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler, and now Gallinari. They've got Marbury's expiring contract as a massive trading chip.

Lupica's boyfriends, the Mets, pillaged their minor league system for Johan, who already looks like he doesn't want to be here. Oliver Perez and Aaron Heilman also can't wait to get the fuck out of town. Beltran plays baseball 5 years older than he is. Castillo's locked up for 4 years. That team is basically "David Wright or Bust!" for the foreseeable future... and by the time they can do something serious to fix that, David Wright's probably going to want out too. But at least Reyes can dance... when he's not prompting the manager to threaten to cut him.

***

But Bill Clinton was here the other day and seems to be almost as big in England as Jerry Lewis is in France.

More important than the reality TV reference, is the veiled shot at guy who hasn't been the President in 7 1/2 years. Got any good Reagan jokes? How about Lincoln! Lincoln jokes are a gas!!

There's this sausage they sell at Wimbledon called a Dutchee and it's pretty good.

Mike Lupica loves the sausage.

Not bratwurst-in-Milwaukee good, but close enough

I mean, really fucking loves the sausage. Rather than pasting the rest of this, just trust me when I say that he goes on for another half a page about the sausage. How they poke it with a needle to make sure it's ready to be stuck in your mouth. How slow the line is. How he was as excited as a virgin on prom night about wrapping his lips around some big, hot, thick, juicy, British Sausage...

Bondy would have been a lot more impressed about my soccer knowledge if my 6-to-1 bet on Turkey against Germany had paid off, I can tell you that right now.

If any Turkish people are reading this, please note than this is the reason your team lost! Mike Lupica bet on them. I don't know how hardcore you guys are about soccer, but if you want to assassinate somebody for causing the loss to zee Germans, you should target Mike Lupica. He cursed them.

What part of "contract year" is Oliver Perez not getting so far?

The part where he's supposed to win games when his offense doesn't score any runs. If you had ever actually WATCHED a baseball game, you'd understand what I mean.

Who would have thought at the start of the season that Mike Mussina would come back and pitch the way Mets fans want Pedro to pitch?

Mike Mussina's ERA+ is 104 right now. That means he's basically league-average. He's got 10 wins because his team scores runs. That's not to say that he hasn't pitched well, but the bottom line is that he's not chasing a Cy Young or anything.

If Mussina was pitching for the Mets, he'd be 6-10 instead of 10-6, because the Mets don't have the offense to get a guy the win if he gives up 4 runs. And Lupica would bitch about wanting Pedro.

Red Sox fans have probably forgotten all that "Nancy Drew" stuff on J.D. from last season by now, I'm guessing.

Why? He's still a fucking faggot. And he's on pace to miss 28 games this season. He's currently played in 71/85. People call him "Nancy Drew" because he's softer than a newborn baby's ballsack! Not because he can't hit.

Twelve-year-old Shannon Hamilton, from Albuquerque, N.M., won the third go-round's ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer, and set the 2008 roping record in the process.

Welcome to the latest installment of "Using Don Imus's Charitable Deeds to Justify the Fact that He's a Fucking Racist!!"

I'm just hoping the Rev. Al doesn't have any problem with that.

Rev. Al doesn't have a problem with that. Rev. Al has a problem with Imus going on the radio and screaming racial slurs and stereotypes about black people to boost his fucking ratings. Unless you really believe that he was implying that "Pacman was unfairly targeted." Are you that stupid? I didn't think so. I'm not either.

They're not nearly as interested in the Subway Series here as you might think.

I wouldn't think that people in London give a shit about the Mets or Yankees. They have their own sports to worry about.

I had heard London was expensive. What I didn't know was that I was going to need a summer job when I got home.

Don't worry little boy. I'm sure the Daily News will set you up with a paper route to make extra money.

What?! You're a 53 year old man?! Can't they get you some growth hormones or something?!I guess you could be a chimney sweep! Maybe Santa needs help making the toys!!

6/22 Shooting From The Lip

I don't even have the energy today to dissect the soft, careful critique that Lupiduck wrote about the Mets and Willie. All I'll say is that the story has been covered from every imaginable angle, including Willie Randolph writing his own perspective on it in the New this week. So just when every possible angle of coverage has been exhausted, here's Lupica to write another page and a half about it. Nothing new. Nothing controversial. Nothing smart. Just the same garbage you've already read. The clock now starts on how long Lupica will continue to talk about the Willie Randolph firing. We're taking bets. The under is September 2011.

I hope the Knicks go for Joe Alexander of West Virginia, just on his nickname alone: Vanilla Sky.

Drafting players based on their nicknames is a terrific way to get a top-flight player. I can see it now!!

David Stern: With the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai!!

Mel Kipper, Jr.: Wow, so the Bulls go a different route with Jawai! I really thought he was a late first rounder. He doesn't have a lot of upside potential, but I don't know. With a nickname like that he's almost got to be successful, doesn't he?

And another thing. Vanilla Sky was a Tom Cruise movie. Am I detecting a bit of short-bias from Lupica here? Tom Cruise is short, Lupica is... well... shorter. These midgets are starting to stick together.

I can't be positive about this, but I think Ray Allen just made another 3.

The reason he can't be positive, is because that would involve actually watching sports, which would interrupt Lupica's busy schedule of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Living Lohan, Denise Richards: It's Complicated and, of course, Celebrity Circus, where Mike Lupica is pulling for his cousin Wee Man.

My man Bob Ryan, Boston Globe, has said for years that Paul Pierce was the most gifted offensive player the Celtics have ever had, and Ryan turned out to be absolutely right.

Welcome to the latest episode of Lupica: My Man! Does it ever get less homoerotic? Nope.

Just for the record though, lets look at this for a second.

Paul Pierce, The Best Offensive Player in Celtics History: 23.1 PPG, 1 NBA title, 0 MVPs.
Larry Bird, The Piece of Shit Prick with a Bad Back: 24.3 PPG, 3 NBA titles, 3 MVPs.

Bob Ryan is a complete fucking moron. He's always been a complete fucking moron. And he's also short. So again, midgets fucking sticking together!!

Phil Jackson did so much scribbling during timeouts in Game 6, I thought he was making diary entries.

And yet Phil Jackson is an 11x NBA Champion, and has won 9 of those trophies as a coach. He's recognized as one of the 10 best coaches in NBA history. So I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that whatever he was scribbling was pertinent to trying to win a basketball game.

I'll tell you one thing that Phil Jackson WASN'T writing. Checks to the refs. Doc Rivers and the Bookies had already taken care of that.

Or starting a to-do list about finding players who don't think playing defense is some sort of parttime job.

It's hard to play defense when one team is being called for hand-check fouls while the other team is allowed to throw closed fists at Black Mamba's head without a whistle.

The Yankees really are in the middle of one of the softest interleague schedules in the history of the known universe: Astros, Padres, Reds, Pirates.

Compared to the Mets, who played the Rangers, the Angels... the Colorado Rockies... and the Mariners. The Angels are tough... but that's not exactly a buzz-saw until the Yankees get to town.

Michael Jordan does not let his team lose the way the Lakers did the other night and neither does LeBron James, and that's that.

Which is why the Cavs beat the Spurs for the NBA title last year!! Because LeBron refused to let his team lose... wait, what? The Cavs got swept in that series!? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about?

Give me the first pick and I pick LeBron every time.

Didn't we already discover in this very article, that Lupica drafts players based on nickname, so all this tells us is that he think "King James" is better than "The Black Mamba." Give me the first pick, and I'd take Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai.

Imagine the howling, from sea to shining sea, if the Celtics had ever quit playing on Doc Rivers the way the Lakers came to a complete screeching halt in Game 6.

You mean kind of the way the Celtics quit on Doc Rivers 10 games into the 2007 season?

Make me see "The Love Guru."

Please go see "The Love Guru." It was the worst piece of shit I ever watched... so you'll probably love it. Plus you can support the work of fellow gnome, Vern Troyer. But this is a weird random statement... even for you. What are you trying to segue into?

Speaking of Sen. Clinton: Where's her husband these days?

How could I not see it coming... this was a segue into a CLINTON JOKE!! Very classy of Lupica to keep beating the dead horse. Hey Mike... she's out of the race. She walked away. Shouldn't you be bashing Barack Obama and John McCain, while touting the candidacy of Hervé Villechaize (aka Tattoo from Fantasy Island)?

The New York Mets Payroll is Still $140 Million Dollars!

I told you that's the name of every post I do from now on... okay, not really. But you laughed, didn't you? Shooting from the Lip. For the record, isn't the phrase "shooting from the hip"? Is that what passes as witty wordplay these days? Am I getting old? Or is Lupica just a complete fucking douchebag?

Tom Coughlin's football Giants finished one of those seasons just four months ago, the greatest finish and the greatest season any New York sports team has ever had.

Really Mike? So the 2008 Giants had the greatest season in New York history?

What about the 1996 Yankees? You remember? Down 2-0 and came back? Wade Boggs riding around the Stadium on a Pony and crying? The end of an 18-year drought for the Yanks? Jeter's legacy beginning? Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden getting their second rings? David Cone? Jimmy Key? Rivera-to-Wetteland?

Shit, what about the 1986 Mets? Doc and Darryl and Keith and at least 700 lbs of cocaine? And Lenny Dykstra walking around the clubhouse with steroids in a fucking I.V. drip? Mookie and HoJo and Lee Mazzilli and George Foster? Buckner handing the series to Los Mets in a refrigerator box?

What about the 1994 New York Rangers? 1940!! 54 Years!! The Curse is Over!! Now I Can Die in Peace signs!! Stephane Matteau!! Messier's guarantee!! Does any of this ring a bell at all? Mike? Are you there? Mike?

I've gone back as far as 1986 and listed 3 different championship seasons better than the 2008 Giants. Don't get me wrong, I love the Giants, and I'll be forever grateful to them for ruining the Pats perfect season... but greatest championship in New York History? Sorry, but no.

But no one we are going to have will win as long and as often as Joe Torre did.

Know who won more than Joe Torre here? Casey Stengel. Know who else? Joe McCarthy. Know what they have in common? None of them are the SOLE REASON the Yankees won championships. None of them hit or pitched the Yankees to a ring as the manager. None of them made a diving grab in Game 7.

Stengel and McCarthy had terrific, amazing, outstanding baseball players. Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra, etc. You know the names.

Torre had the biggest, most ginormous payroll in baseball history, as Lupica can't stop reminding us. He also had O'Neill, Tino, Bernie, Jeter, Wade Boggs, Pettitte, Key, Cone, Clemens, Mo Rivera, Graeme Lloyd, El Duque, Hideki Irabu, Jorge, Scott Brosius, Homer Bush, Chuck Knoblauch, Chad Curtis, Shane Spencer, the mummified corpse of Glenallen Hill, Jimmy King Leyritz and Halle Berry's ex-husband! So lets not act like Torre managed the Yankees to anything that my fucking Shar Pei couldn't have managed them to.

He is, by all accounts – and starting with his account – thrilled to be in L.A. and thrilled to be a Dodger, even with his young team fighting to stay around .500. Good for him.

The warm weather is probably nice for his old body. And his young team is seriously underachieving, despite a strong pitching staff, good bullpen, and nucleus of GREAT young offensive players (who usually get benched in favor of veteran stiffs.)

Maybe he will win another World Series there, or two, be as big all over again with the Dodgers as Phil Jackson has become with the Lakers.

Probably not. And how many rings has Phil Jackson won without having the hands-down, unquestionably BEST talent in the game?

How many 'St. Louis Cardinals in 2006, how the fuck did they actually win' championships has Jackson won? Here's a clue. The same number that Torre's won. Fucking zero. Stop sucking their cocks. Winning when you should makes you good. Winning when you shouldn't makes you a legend. Wasn't that your point about the 2008 Giants?

Blah blah blah and some meaningless shit about what a nice guy Joe Torre is, even though I personally called for his fucking head every time the Yankees lost for the last 7 years. Now that he's gone, I feel like waxing poetic about the fucking guy because it's another subtle way to criticize the Yankees while ignoring the $140 Million Dollar tank-job that's happening across town.

Well, he might as well have said it.

---

I keep waiting for the news that Joba's first start has been declared an instant national sports holiday.

And I keep waiting for the Mets to win a World Championship. You've been waiting a couple of weeks. I've been waiting for over 20 fucking years. So shut the fuck up you pudgy, grey-haired, vertically-challenged little cunt.

A year ago at this time the Yankees were trying to keep from falling 15 games behind the Red Sox and this time they are already 10 games closer than that even with all the time that A-Rod missed.

Possible reasons the Yankees are 10 games closer this year:

A) The Red Sox aren't out to a 37-17 start.

B) Joe Torre is willing the Yankees to perform better from Los Angeles as a favor to Joe Girardi.

C) The Yanks are 8-3 since A-Rod came off the DL?

D) The best offensive player in the AL missed a bunch of time with a quad injury.

If you chose D, please slam your face into your computer screen repeatedly. I'll tell you when to stop.

The AL East is better this time around, starting with the Rays.

Did you listen to me? The Red Sox were 37-17 on June 2 last year. The Rays are 35-22. The Rays are not as good as the Sox were last year... and the number of games back is determined solely by relationship to the division leader. So "games back" is probably a shitty way to measure the quality of a division.

If the Mets want to make a run at Kevin Millar sometime this summer, well, that's fine with me.

What? Like if they cut Carlos Degado... and want to replace him with someone who'll give them the EXACT SAME LACK OF PRODUCTION?

Kevin Millar: Age 36. Stats: .236/.330/.379, 8 HR, 26 RBI.

Carlos Delgado: Age 36. Stats: .224/.306/.383, 8 HR, 25 RBI.

It's hard to find two players who's statistics through 200 at bats are that fucking similar. That is actually kind of amazing.

If my man Barry Melrose is coaching the Tampa Bay Lightning, I'm ordering my Lightning cap and T-shirt today.

Your man? Are you coming out of the closet Mike? And another thing... when did you become aware that Hockey is a sport? Did Barry whisper it in your ear last night?

So I'm sort of wondering when my good friend Paul Westphal, who was merely 191-88 his first time around with Phoenix, gets a call from the Suns.

Your good friend Mike? Yeah, Lupica Friends tag added. Just for the record, here are the known definitions of the word "friend" in the Encyclopedia Lupica:

1) Human-shaped plastic or rubber apparatus into which air is blown and is then used for sexual pleasure. See also: Blow-up Doll

2) Fuzzy, stuffed animatronic talking bear. See also: Teddy Ruxpin

3) Anyone who has berated or completely ignored Mike Lupica. See also: Joe Torre, Paul Westphal, John Calipari, Larry Brown, The Spice Girls (shortly after filing the restraining order)

Who's wearing the thong now, Abreu or Cano?

Allow me to rephrase this question.

Who's wearing the thong now, Lupica or Barry Melrose? And what is Jose Reyes going to say when he finds out?

Bloggin' From The Lip!!

Yup, that's what we're callin' this today! Bloggin' from the Lip! We're gonna shoot down Mike Lupica's fun facts and random comparisons like fish in a barrel! Woo hoo! Aren't you excited? Lets get right to brass tacks gentlemen (and all 3 ladies who are reading this):

Bill Belichick talking about an old video assistant of his named Matt Walsh suddenly sounds like Roger Clemens talking about an old trainer of his named Brian McNamee.

Are you sure Mike? Are you sure he didn't sound like Jason Giambi giving "The Apology"? Or like Andy Pettitte confessing about using a little bit of HGH when he really used a lot? You know who Bill Belichick definitely DOESN'T sound like? Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden apologizing for snorting the Mets chance at a dynasty in the late 1980's. Because they never talked about that.

Matt Walsh may not be one of nature's noblemen. Neither was Jose Canseco.

Lupica's entire premise here is to compare Belichick videotaping defensive signals to steroids in baseball. Because everything is about fucking steroids in baseball. Literally everything. Here's an average conversation between Mike Lupica and one of those so-called "friends" he always claims to have.

Imaginary Friend: Hey Mike Lupica!
Mike Lupica: Hi Imaginary Friend!!
IF: So what do you think of those Tampa Bay Rays! In first place! Ha ha!!
ML: Yeah! It's like they're on steroids or something!!
IF: *sigh* Lets talk about something else... you see that Matt Walsh came out of the closet?
ML: Yeah! Just like when Jose Canseco told us about steroids in baseball!!
IF: *bangs head into wall* Yeah... so Hillary still won't drop out of the Democratic primaries...
ML: She's just like Roger Clemens... refusing to admit that he took steroids!
IF: *kills self with imaginary gun*
ML: Dammit! That's the fourteenth imaginary friend this week! They're dropping like baseball players on steroids!!

Now Belichick goes after Walsh the way Clemens went after McNamee, the way Clemens is still after McNamee.

Really? Belichick is suing Walsh for defamation of character? No? Then I guess it's nothing like the way Clemens is going after McNamee.

No one is suggesting that this kind of cheating is as systemic as drug cheating became in baseball over the last 15 years.

No one is suggesting that I go and masturbate on the salad bar at Wendy's either. What's your fucking point? And what's so "systemic" about a bunch of guys taking steroids? Do you think it was some kind of covert operation? Like a Rambo movie? To liberate the Stanozolol from North Vietnam? Hahaha... you can't have Stanozolol without a great big LOL!!

***

I love the 3 asterisks. They make me happy.

People can bounce Billy Wagner all over town for some of the things he's said in the past and some of the things he said this week.

Oh, you mean because he tore up a teammate for the second time in like 2 weeks? And he's basically got a reputation as the White Gary Sheffield? And that he's throwing teammates under the bus to boost rating for his radio show?

But there is a little bit of Yogi in Wagner, in this way:
No matter how it comes out, you always know exactly what he means.

Umm... what? Fuck... you're really going to defend him again? Seriously?

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

More guys like Wagner? I want to help. So here's a list of team-first guys who are currently out of work. I'm sure each of them could help the Mets despite their age and injuries, because it's about personality!

Rickey Henderson, Albert Belle, Carl Everett, Jose Offerman (Once his probation ends), Roger Clemens, John Rocker, Jose Canseco.

That's seven more guys like Wagner. The Mets will never lose again. Unless Albert Belle eats David Wright... then it could get ugly.

Hillary Clinton is no longer running for President, she's running for Vice President.

I really think we're about a week away from learning that Hillary Clinton took steroids. There's no other reason for Lupica to talk about her so much. Look at the guys he talks about: Clemens, Giambi, Pettitte, Isiah Thomas, A-Rod, Hillary Clinton. Steroids, Steroids, Steroids, Crack-Rock, accused of steroids (by Canseco, who might be motivated to lie by money, the fact that A-Rod fucked his wife, etc.), ???

So she took 'roids, right Mike?

It comes out now that Jason Giambi likes to wear a gold thong when he's trying to come out of a hitting slump, and I'm pretty sure Congressman Vito Fossella does the same thing.

Mike? Are you upset that they don't make thongs in your size? I think you are. I think you're just jealous because while Jason Giambi and Vito Fossella get to try on big boy underwear, you're still stuck wearing your Batman Underoos.

But yeah... the thong story was a little weird. Especially that he shares it with other guys. I don't share a TAXI with other guys...

Shooting Myself in the Face...

First and foremost, I want to say that I'm surprised at the topic of this week's "Shooting from the Lip." There's a new Clemens scandal, and we all know about Lupica's "Roger" fascination. But instead, he decides to write about the prices at Yankee Stadium. Screw the long intro, here we go.


There is a very good reason why most Yankee fans don't care how much their team spends on baseball players.

26 World Championships? 39 Pennants? 47 Playoff Appearances? George Steinbrenner winning the National Football Foundation's Gold Fucking Medal? Come on, you thought I wasn't going to reference that every chance I got?

One of the best reasons is that their team keeps asking them - at least the most well-heeled of them - to spend more and more to help pay the freight.

Umm... what? We don't care how much our team spends on players because the team asks us to pay the freight? This makes no fucking sense. These two sentences mean: I don't care how much you spend on players... as long as I'm the one actually paying for it!!! Please, if anybody understands the correlation Lupica's trying to make... e-mail me and explain it. I'm fucking lost. Seriously. And it's upsetting me.

There is a guy I know who has tickets behind the Yankee dugout, has had them for awhile.

Come on Mike, tell us who he is. Give us a name, I dare you for two reasons. (1) I think you're full of shit. I don't think you know anybody who goes to Yankee games. I think you googled some prices so you could bitch about them. (2) If you do, in fact, have a 'friend' sitting behind the plate at Yankee games, I want to know his identity so we can have security ban him from the building. He's fucking up our karma.

Lupica writes a bunch more, detailing the cost increases of Yankee premier ticket plans... but really, what's the fucking point of all this?

Are you telling me that the Mets didn't raise prices after inking Santana to $151M? And they're not going to raise them even more when they move into Shiti Field next year? The Mets have been a laughing stock in baseball for longer than they've been respectable, they're coming off the biggest collapse in late-September history, and they still raised prices.

Part of what you're paying for at Yankee Stadium, is the brand. The New York Yankees are the Calvin Klein Versace Tommy Hilfiger Prada Jackie Chan Marlon Brando D&G of baseball.

The Mets are something like this.

Point is, Lupica meanders on about the prices of seats around the new Yankee Stadium for a page and a half... and then drops this nugget again.

You wonder why Yankee fans don't care what Johan Santana or anybody else on the field costs?
The seats closest to the field are as good place to start as any.

So again, Lupica's entire point is: Yankee fans don't care how much players cost... because the more money the Yankees spend on players, the more expensive tickets will get. You nailed it on the head Mike. I hope the Yankees sign Darren Erstad to a 80 year, $6.4 Trillion dollar contract! Then I can spend the GNP of Liechtenstein on bleacher seats! Hooray!!!

***

Rusty Hardin, the Isiah of lawyers, still wants what's happening to Roger Clemens to be the media's fault and not his fault.

You know, Clemens isn't the only Roger that Lupica is obsessed with. For the record though, how is it Rusty Hardin's fault that Clemens did steroids and boffed a 15-year old girl? Are you trying to tell me that this is the sort of legal advice that Rusty Hardin gives?

Clemens: I'm totally going to get sued Rusty. I just hit a parked car. What should I do?

Rusty: Well Roger, if I were you, I'd do some steroids and boff a 15-year old girl.

Clemens: How's that going to help with me getting sued for hitting a parked car?

Rusty: How the hell should I know. I just want to do steroids and boff 15-year old girls! Giggity-giggity-goo!!! Alllllright!!!

The hot romance between Phil Hughes and a whole bunch of Yankee fans has cooled at a record pace, even for the big bad city.

Yeah, I know, right? The fucking nerve of that scumbag Phil Hughes to have a shitty April and break a rib! Phil Hughes is a selfish douchebag! And to think, just two weeks ago I got slapped with a restraining order for masterbating outside his apartment because I was so in love with him!!

You know what Billy Wagner did when he spoke up about Oliver Perez the other day?

Created a gigantic clubhouse rift? Fucked up team chemistry? Earned the nickname, "The White Gary Sheffield"? Made the author of this page cry?

He spoke for pretty much all Mets fans.

Fuck the heck!?

Next week The Today Show is going to do a week-long series called, "Where in the world is Robinson Cano?"

He's in Liechtenstein with Carlos Beltran! As reader, Mark P. was kind enough to point out, Cano has only 3 hits less than Beltran (and the same number of homers). Except that Beltran earns enough money to sit in the premium seats at the New Yankee Stadium! Carlos Delgado's really tearing it up lately too.

Maybe it's April, and Cano is traditionally a slow starter. Or maybe he's hiding in a cave in Uzbekistan.