Shooting for the Blurbs...

Since Fafa already saved me the frustration of making statistical comparisons between Jeter and Jose Reyes and pointing out the obvious facts, that Jeter's on pace for well over 3,000 hits, has been a key member on 4 world championship teams, and will probably be the most unanimously voted first-ballot Hall of Famer in baseball history five years after he retires... I'm going to skip right to the blurbs. And boy, do we start with a bang.

You know why the Brewers can make a big play for C.C. Sabathia when they want to make a run?

Because they probably wanted to get him out of the AL? Because the Brewers offered several of the best prospects in their system, including a minor league outfielder who's hit 20 homers in less than half a year? Because it's still three weeks before the deadline and nobody else has really made any offers for Sabathia yet?

Because they have real prospects in their system, not Yankee prospects.

Or you could go with the crazy answer. I could comment on the quality of the "real prospects" that the Mets traded for Santana after Brian Cashman decided not to give up a bunch of those shitty "Yankee prospects." I could make fun of the fact that Santana's been in Queens for half a year, and already looks desperate to get the fuck out of there. I could even go through stats and point out the fact that players like Joba Chamberlain, Brett Gardner, Jose Tabata, Alan Horne, Andrew Brackman and Dellin Betances are, in fact, real, genuine article prospects who've come through the Yankee system, along with Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera over the last few years. Not to mention that Hughes and Kennedy aren't exactly busts just yet.

What has the Met system produced since Wright and Reyes? Joe Smith? Yup, a fucking side arming middle reliever. That's what the entire minor league system has given the Mutsies in the last 4+ years.

Back in the day, when Hugh Carey was the governor of New York and Jimmy Breslin nicknamed him Society Carey, Breslin also described Carey as "a dream character in dancing pumps."

Hugh Leo Carey was born on April 11, 1919. He was the Governor of New York (and yes, we capitalize titles out of respect for the people who hold/held them Mike. It's called journalism) from 1975 to 1982. You went at least 26 years into the past for this quote. What could possibly be so important about this quote as to make you dig so deep into the annals of your brain?

And that's sort of the way I think about Hank Steinbrenner now.

Of course. A veiled shot at Hank Steinbrenner. While we're at it, why don't you just make fun of his 78-year old, mostly infirmed father? Or maybe you can write a few articles about his sister's failed marriage, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? Mike Lupica is a classless piece of tabloid-writing shit who should be fired.

After Hank yelled about how the Yankees weren't hitting and they better start or else and then they put an 18-spot on the Rangers, Hank must have had to be tied down so he wouldn't float away.

Funny. Lets recollect some recent events.

Hank yelled about Mussina ---> Mussina turned his season around and has 11 wins already.
Hank yelled about hitting ---> Yankees score 18 runs the next day.

Lupica says "Mets need more guys like Wagner" ---> Since May 18th (when Lupica said this), Wagner's blown 5 saves.

Pre-Lupica Wagner: 17 IP, 9H, 0 ER, 9 saves, 1 blown save, 0.00 ERA.
Post-Lupica Wagner: 18 IP, 17H, 9 ER, 10 saves, 5 blown saves, 4.50 ERA.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Curse of Mike Lupica.

When I heard that the hotdog eating contest between Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi ended up in that tie and they had to go to a 5-dog overtime, I just assumed it was pretty much the same as penalty kicks in soccer.

I love the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest! I really do. Although I'm sure it's not for the same reason that Mike Lupica does. I'm fascinated by people with the ability to stuff like 30 pounds worth of food into their stomach in 12 minutes. Mike Lupica just likes watching men eat hot dogs. A lot.

If Jaromir Jagr were a baseball player, he'd probably say he'd signed with Avangard Omsk in Russia because of the school system there.

Or maybe he signed there because Glen Sather informed him that the club was moving on without him. And because that 36, he can make $5 million a year to play against lesser competition and not get his ass kicked for 82 games a year. It also might have to do with the fact that he played for Avangard Omsk when the NHL went on strike a few years ago. This wasn't so much about the money, as the fact that the Rangers told him to go. Why make him out to be the bad guy? He played his ass off in New York.

I guess my favorite headline in the whole slew of them with A-Rod was the one about how Madonna had "brainwashed" our third sacker.

Yup, there you have it. The favorite headline of the number 1 sports journalist in New York City is tabloid bullshit. Just for the record... I imagine that brainwashing went something like this:

Madonna: I'm loved by gay men all over the world... you're loved by gay men all over the world... that can't be a coincidence. Can it?
A-Rod: I never thought of it that way. We should move to Hollywood, have children and pray to Xenu together!!
Madonna: No no!!! Xenu is Scientology!! Scientology is for fucking wack-jobs and schizophrenics!! I'm into Kabbalah!
A-Rod: What's the difference?
Madonna: Kabbalah is like... well... it's like. Shit. It's Jewish Scientology, okay? You dick.

You know who is in a real tough spot if Brett Favre really does want to come back and play football this season?

The guy that writes for enough-lupica.com and placed bet $10,000 that Favre would stay retired?

The people running the Green Bay Packers are in a real tough spot.

I beg to differ. I think I'd be in a much tougher spot explaining how I lost TEN FUCKING GRAND on the dumbest bet I've made since betting that Ivan Drago would beat Rocky!!

Because they probably don't want to envision a world where he comes out of the tunnel at Lambeau Field wearing the colors of the Chicago Bears.

Hey Mike, listen. Fuck the Bears and fuck the Packers. I'm talking about ten thousand fucking dollars! I better not lose that money because some geriatric cock-sucker wants to take one last go of it. He rode off into the sunset. He better stay in the fucking sunset!!

It just shows you that you can never predict all the storylines for the Yankee season, unless of course you had kabbalah in the pool.

So Kabbalah tells the future? Great... I can track down Madonna and she can tell me what's gonna happen with this whole Favre thing, because I'm kind of worried that Big Tony's going to break my legs over some money.

(P.S. - No, I didn't REALLY bet any money on whether or not Favre would stay retired. I'm stupid, but not that stupid.)

Shooting From The...*YAWWWWWWNNNN*

I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get a little bit tiring, constantly having to defend New York sports from the tyranny of the Keebler Elf Leader. Luckily for me, he actually picked a new topic for Sunday's Shooting from the Lip! Something he's never bitched or whined about!! The New York Knicks!!! Hooray!!!!

Also, we have another mention of Lupica's friends. He sure does seem to have a lot of them, doesn't he? Must be hard for him to remember all of their names and birthdays, not to mention his busy schedule of being a centerpiece in circle jerks all over the tri-state area. Well, before you shed a tear, let me assure you that none of Lupica's "friends" actually have names... because they don't fucking exist.

There is a Knicks fan I know, a big one, who happened to be in London this week.

Bullshit Mike. Who'd you bump into? Spike Lee? He wouldn't risk his street cred to talk to your midget ass! Don't even fucking lie to me. There are like 17 Knicks fans (including myself) in the entire world right now. You didn't find one of them in London.

The last time he attended the NBA draft in person was the night the Knicks traded away Marcus Camby and Nene, did all that and got Antonio McDyess' knee in return.

Yeah, that was a bad fucking trade. But now I know it's not Spike Lee, because there's no way he hasn't been to a draft in that long.

But the guy was sure interested in this one, and sure that he didn't want the Italian kid, Danilo Gallinari.

Of course your imaginary Knick Fan friend doesn't want Gallinari!! If he did, then you'd have no vehicle in which to drive this shitty article up the ass of the 17 actual Knick fans who give a shit.

The guy said that he had stayed with his team through everything, through what has become the worst era in Knicks history, stayed with them through Isiah Thomas, but that if Donnie Walsh drafted the Italian kid, he was done with the Knicks, that's it, goodbye, he'd wait to see if the Nets ever actually made it to Brooklyn.

This Knick fan sounds a lot like Mike Lupica, doesn't he? Lets be serious here. You're a Knick fan (one of the 17) and you've been through season after season of embarrassing, frustrating losses. You've been through Isiah Thomas, Eddie Curry, Larry Brown, Isiah Thomas, Starbury, Lenny Wilkens, Herb Williams, Isiah Thomas, Alan Houston's knees, Antonio McDyess's mummified corpse, Isiah Thomas's sexual harassment suit, Nate Robinson attacking Malik Rose in the shower and Isiah Thomas... and you're gonna quit on your team because they draft a guy that you don't like? Before you ever see the guy play a fucking game?

If this was actually said by a "Knick fan", and not made up in the dwarven brain of Mike Lupica, then whoever this "Knick fan" is... is the worst excuse for a bandwagon fan in the history of bandwagon fanhood. The Knicks haven't even HAD a bandwagon in at least 10 years... and this guy's just jumping off it now?

Speaking of riding dead horses, they just loaded Eight Belles into the starting gate at Belmont for the 1st race. Velazquez thinks he can get one more good run out of her.

He doesn't play any defense, and if we're ever going to get good again in my lifetime, we're eventually going to have to play some defense, right?

Did D'Antoni make them play defense in Phoenix? How'd they do out there? Oh, that's right. Better than the Knicks. And how do you know how much defense Gallinari plays? WE'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN HIM IN THE NBA!!!!!

The drafting of the Italian kid - and that's if Walsh and D'Antoni are right about him - is the start of the team's extreme makeover.

Because what's a Mike Lupica article without some reference to Reality TV?! Extreme Makeover - Knicks Edition!

The Knicks aren't just the worst team in town, they are the one furthest from being something.
I think the Mets are fucked a lot more than the Knicks, no offense Met fans. The Knicks have some young guys that have shown improvement with Nate Robinson, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler, and now Gallinari. They've got Marbury's expiring contract as a massive trading chip.

Lupica's boyfriends, the Mets, pillaged their minor league system for Johan, who already looks like he doesn't want to be here. Oliver Perez and Aaron Heilman also can't wait to get the fuck out of town. Beltran plays baseball 5 years older than he is. Castillo's locked up for 4 years. That team is basically "David Wright or Bust!" for the foreseeable future... and by the time they can do something serious to fix that, David Wright's probably going to want out too. But at least Reyes can dance... when he's not prompting the manager to threaten to cut him.

***

But Bill Clinton was here the other day and seems to be almost as big in England as Jerry Lewis is in France.

More important than the reality TV reference, is the veiled shot at guy who hasn't been the President in 7 1/2 years. Got any good Reagan jokes? How about Lincoln! Lincoln jokes are a gas!!

There's this sausage they sell at Wimbledon called a Dutchee and it's pretty good.

Mike Lupica loves the sausage.

Not bratwurst-in-Milwaukee good, but close enough

I mean, really fucking loves the sausage. Rather than pasting the rest of this, just trust me when I say that he goes on for another half a page about the sausage. How they poke it with a needle to make sure it's ready to be stuck in your mouth. How slow the line is. How he was as excited as a virgin on prom night about wrapping his lips around some big, hot, thick, juicy, British Sausage...

Bondy would have been a lot more impressed about my soccer knowledge if my 6-to-1 bet on Turkey against Germany had paid off, I can tell you that right now.

If any Turkish people are reading this, please note than this is the reason your team lost! Mike Lupica bet on them. I don't know how hardcore you guys are about soccer, but if you want to assassinate somebody for causing the loss to zee Germans, you should target Mike Lupica. He cursed them.

What part of "contract year" is Oliver Perez not getting so far?

The part where he's supposed to win games when his offense doesn't score any runs. If you had ever actually WATCHED a baseball game, you'd understand what I mean.

Who would have thought at the start of the season that Mike Mussina would come back and pitch the way Mets fans want Pedro to pitch?

Mike Mussina's ERA+ is 104 right now. That means he's basically league-average. He's got 10 wins because his team scores runs. That's not to say that he hasn't pitched well, but the bottom line is that he's not chasing a Cy Young or anything.

If Mussina was pitching for the Mets, he'd be 6-10 instead of 10-6, because the Mets don't have the offense to get a guy the win if he gives up 4 runs. And Lupica would bitch about wanting Pedro.

Red Sox fans have probably forgotten all that "Nancy Drew" stuff on J.D. from last season by now, I'm guessing.

Why? He's still a fucking faggot. And he's on pace to miss 28 games this season. He's currently played in 71/85. People call him "Nancy Drew" because he's softer than a newborn baby's ballsack! Not because he can't hit.

Twelve-year-old Shannon Hamilton, from Albuquerque, N.M., won the third go-round's ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer, and set the 2008 roping record in the process.

Welcome to the latest installment of "Using Don Imus's Charitable Deeds to Justify the Fact that He's a Fucking Racist!!"

I'm just hoping the Rev. Al doesn't have any problem with that.

Rev. Al doesn't have a problem with that. Rev. Al has a problem with Imus going on the radio and screaming racial slurs and stereotypes about black people to boost his fucking ratings. Unless you really believe that he was implying that "Pacman was unfairly targeted." Are you that stupid? I didn't think so. I'm not either.

They're not nearly as interested in the Subway Series here as you might think.

I wouldn't think that people in London give a shit about the Mets or Yankees. They have their own sports to worry about.

I had heard London was expensive. What I didn't know was that I was going to need a summer job when I got home.

Don't worry little boy. I'm sure the Daily News will set you up with a paper route to make extra money.

What?! You're a 53 year old man?! Can't they get you some growth hormones or something?!I guess you could be a chimney sweep! Maybe Santa needs help making the toys!!

Here We Go Again!

"The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer." - Mike Lupidwarf

I think they have one too many.

The Mets Need More Suck In Their Bullpen..

I gotta thank Mister Six for introducing me to the Lupica Curse, because it's just comedy.

From a few weeks ago, Lupidick gave us this little (haha, get it? "little?") nugget of wisdom...

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

From yesterday...

Just another great call from the Daily News sports "genius", Mike Lupica.

The Lupica Curse Strikes Again!

Last week, Mike Lupica, sportswriter and baseball genius, clued us in on what the Mets really need:

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer.

Yes, what the Mets need is more big mouths, troublemakers, guys who don't follow the rules...you know, real gamers!

So of course, this is what the great Billy Wagner did last night:



Yes, this is what the Mets need - guys you can bring in in the 9th inning to save the game after losing 4 in a row, and promptly cough up the lead and the save, and possibly Willie Randolph's job.

Funny how Mike brings up ARod's post season failures...when was the last time Lupica mentioned Wagner's post season 8.75 ERA?

Yes Mike, the Mets need more guys like Wagner - he can't pitch in a big spot, but damn he sure has a big mouth! And that's what it takes to win!

In Lupica's world, anyway.

Update on Lupica's Acehole Beckett

Since Lupica triumphantly proclaimed Josh Beckett as "the kind of pitcher the Mets hope Johan Santana can be," this is how he has done.

Beckett Stats Since April 27

IP - 34.2
ERA - 4.41
HR - 8

Wow! That Beckett sure is an Ace!

How'd he do last night against the Milkwaukee Brewers, 18th in the league in runs, 27th in the league in BA?

IP - 7
ER - 6
HR - 4
Game ERA - 7.71

Talk about the Lupica Curse!

Nice job, asshole!

Apparently Lupica Spit After He Sucked Calipari...

Because a day later, he's sucking the ballsacks of Bill Self and the National Champion Kansas Jayhawks. Not to brag, but a certain someone told you who was going to win that game. It's like I said, The Curse of Lupica!! The mere glance of Mike Lupica could turn Michael Jordan into Stephon Marbury in a big game. But lets get right to it.

This was only a shot to tie against Memphis … But everybody who saw Chalmers knock this one down knew that Memphis wasn't coming back even if Kansas had.

Which is why they stopped the game right then and there. It was fucking over. Memphis had no chance. Probably because John Calipari was out of witty quotes.

So there, one more time, the first of all the times Mario Chalmers' shot will be replayed from now on in college basketball, there he was, coming from his left, nearly losing control of the ball, but holding on to it, because there are times when the ball doesn't bounce away from you in a moment like this, because it is supposed to be in your hands.

This sentence is the Dirk Diggler of sports journalism. It's long and strong and bound to get the friction on. This sentence runs like a 78 pound Kenyan in the Boston Marathon. If Eliot Spitzer were as long as this sentence, Ashley Alexandra Dupre would have done him for free. In case you missed the point, this is a very long, run-on sentence…and so poetic and beautiful too.

There are times in a boy's life when he becomes a man, and Mario Chalmers was becoming and man and nobody in the world could stop him from reaching this pubescent right of passage. Nobody could take his ball away. Which is why the five Memphis defenders simply walked off the court as he drifted to his left and killed them from beyond the arc. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

"Ten seconds to go and we think we're national champions," Memphis coach John Calipari would say. "Then a kid makes a shot and all of a sudden we're not."

Oh, now John's full of witty quotes again! Where was this witty quote when Kansas was coming back from a 9-point deficit and your team needed inspiration!! You were supposed to will them to win with your witty quotes!! And at the most critical time in the game, in the season, you choked like Mike Lupica when his nose hits scrotum in a 69!

Seriously though, feel free to congratulate me on being right about Kansas. Adios.

Lupica Sucks Off Calipari!

John Calipari is sticking it to his doubters. And Mike Lupica is right there with him to tell you all about it. They're holding hands around campus. Mike Lupica is inspiring Calipari to coach his butt off with the tale of a four-foot-nothing sports journalist who rose to power in the big city of New York. Calipari feels so inspired by the story of shortness, that he's going to start Derrick Rose at Center in the big game. Little folks can do anything!

He can talk his way through a Final Four the way only a handful of coaches ever have, the way Jimmy Valvano seemed to talk for a whole weekend in Albuquerque in 1983 before his North Carolina State team won it all.

You heard it here. The reason Valvano coached the biggest upset in college basketball history at N.C. State is because he was a big talker. Nothing to do with the players or his coaching ability. Jimmy V. talked his ass off that week! Thanks a lot, for diminishing the memory of a great, inspiring and now-deceased coach.

John Calipari already had the quote of the tournament before he got to San Antonio, talking about his star guard, Derrick Rose, saying that if Rose was going to do what was best for himself and his family, he would leave school after his freshman year for the pros.

The Apostle Peter had the best quote in the Bible, when he said, "Holy shit! That dude is walking on fucking water! People can't do that!"

He first made a Final Four with UMass 12 years ago when Marcus Camby was his center, took over the Nets and made the playoffs with them, when that was no small thing, and then they ran him out of Jersey a year later when they were 3-15.

He made his first Final Four when he had Marcus Camby, who was later drafted #2 in 1996, and would have gone #1 ahead of Tim Duncan if not for some fluky heart problem. Marcus Camby was an absolute beast in college, probably the best player in the NCAA that year (hence him winning the Naismith and Wooden Awards in 95-96.)

And to kill any notion that Calipari got a raw deal in New Jersey, here is his full record as an NBA coach.

NJ Nets - 1996-97 - 26 Wins, 56 Losses
NJ Nets - 1997-98 - 43 Wins, 39 Losses, Lost in First Round of Playoffs (0 - 3)
NJ Nets - 1998-99 - 3 Wins, 17 Losses

Nope, not a typo. Lupica didn't check his fucking facts. Or maybe he intentionally made this look less ugly, especially since he didn't mention the 1996-97 season. He wanted it to look like Calipari was a good coach who had a bad quarter-of-a-season and got canned. Probably because it's hard to get approval to verbally suck the dick of a below-average coach. And that "Memphis Dribble-Drive Motion Attack" offense was invented at Pepperdine by a guy named Vance Walberg. Calipari just stole it.

Which brings us to a little-known fact in sports. The "Lupica Curse." No team who's coach or players directly interact with Mike Lupica has ever won a championship. Ever. Mike Lupica is believed to be directly responsible for the following tragic sports events:

1) Luis Gonzalez's broken-bat bloop single in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series.
2) Buckner booting the ball in the 1986 World Series.
3) Barbaro breaking his leg during the 2006 Preakness Stakes.
4) Lou Gehrig's Disease. Yes, the entire disease.

There are others too, however, Mike Lupica was NOT responsible for Yadier Molina's home run in the 2006 NLCS or the Mets historic collapse in September 2007. Those events are simply proof that God is a Yankee fan.

It is with the Lupica Curse in mind that on this Seventh day of April, 2008, I, Mister Six, of sound mind and body, do predict that Kansas will upset John Calipari's Memphis team. Yup, you heard it here first. Kansas is going to win. (Note: I haven't watched any NCAA basketball this year, and I know nothing about either of these teams except the research I did to write this article. I'm just picking against Lupica, because he's wrong about 95% of the time.)