Shooting for the Blurbs...

Since Fafa already saved me the frustration of making statistical comparisons between Jeter and Jose Reyes and pointing out the obvious facts, that Jeter's on pace for well over 3,000 hits, has been a key member on 4 world championship teams, and will probably be the most unanimously voted first-ballot Hall of Famer in baseball history five years after he retires... I'm going to skip right to the blurbs. And boy, do we start with a bang.

You know why the Brewers can make a big play for C.C. Sabathia when they want to make a run?

Because they probably wanted to get him out of the AL? Because the Brewers offered several of the best prospects in their system, including a minor league outfielder who's hit 20 homers in less than half a year? Because it's still three weeks before the deadline and nobody else has really made any offers for Sabathia yet?

Because they have real prospects in their system, not Yankee prospects.

Or you could go with the crazy answer. I could comment on the quality of the "real prospects" that the Mets traded for Santana after Brian Cashman decided not to give up a bunch of those shitty "Yankee prospects." I could make fun of the fact that Santana's been in Queens for half a year, and already looks desperate to get the fuck out of there. I could even go through stats and point out the fact that players like Joba Chamberlain, Brett Gardner, Jose Tabata, Alan Horne, Andrew Brackman and Dellin Betances are, in fact, real, genuine article prospects who've come through the Yankee system, along with Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera over the last few years. Not to mention that Hughes and Kennedy aren't exactly busts just yet.

What has the Met system produced since Wright and Reyes? Joe Smith? Yup, a fucking side arming middle reliever. That's what the entire minor league system has given the Mutsies in the last 4+ years.

Back in the day, when Hugh Carey was the governor of New York and Jimmy Breslin nicknamed him Society Carey, Breslin also described Carey as "a dream character in dancing pumps."

Hugh Leo Carey was born on April 11, 1919. He was the Governor of New York (and yes, we capitalize titles out of respect for the people who hold/held them Mike. It's called journalism) from 1975 to 1982. You went at least 26 years into the past for this quote. What could possibly be so important about this quote as to make you dig so deep into the annals of your brain?

And that's sort of the way I think about Hank Steinbrenner now.

Of course. A veiled shot at Hank Steinbrenner. While we're at it, why don't you just make fun of his 78-year old, mostly infirmed father? Or maybe you can write a few articles about his sister's failed marriage, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? Mike Lupica is a classless piece of tabloid-writing shit who should be fired.

After Hank yelled about how the Yankees weren't hitting and they better start or else and then they put an 18-spot on the Rangers, Hank must have had to be tied down so he wouldn't float away.

Funny. Lets recollect some recent events.

Hank yelled about Mussina ---> Mussina turned his season around and has 11 wins already.
Hank yelled about hitting ---> Yankees score 18 runs the next day.

Lupica says "Mets need more guys like Wagner" ---> Since May 18th (when Lupica said this), Wagner's blown 5 saves.

Pre-Lupica Wagner: 17 IP, 9H, 0 ER, 9 saves, 1 blown save, 0.00 ERA.
Post-Lupica Wagner: 18 IP, 17H, 9 ER, 10 saves, 5 blown saves, 4.50 ERA.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Curse of Mike Lupica.

When I heard that the hotdog eating contest between Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi ended up in that tie and they had to go to a 5-dog overtime, I just assumed it was pretty much the same as penalty kicks in soccer.

I love the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest! I really do. Although I'm sure it's not for the same reason that Mike Lupica does. I'm fascinated by people with the ability to stuff like 30 pounds worth of food into their stomach in 12 minutes. Mike Lupica just likes watching men eat hot dogs. A lot.

If Jaromir Jagr were a baseball player, he'd probably say he'd signed with Avangard Omsk in Russia because of the school system there.

Or maybe he signed there because Glen Sather informed him that the club was moving on without him. And because that 36, he can make $5 million a year to play against lesser competition and not get his ass kicked for 82 games a year. It also might have to do with the fact that he played for Avangard Omsk when the NHL went on strike a few years ago. This wasn't so much about the money, as the fact that the Rangers told him to go. Why make him out to be the bad guy? He played his ass off in New York.

I guess my favorite headline in the whole slew of them with A-Rod was the one about how Madonna had "brainwashed" our third sacker.

Yup, there you have it. The favorite headline of the number 1 sports journalist in New York City is tabloid bullshit. Just for the record... I imagine that brainwashing went something like this:

Madonna: I'm loved by gay men all over the world... you're loved by gay men all over the world... that can't be a coincidence. Can it?
A-Rod: I never thought of it that way. We should move to Hollywood, have children and pray to Xenu together!!
Madonna: No no!!! Xenu is Scientology!! Scientology is for fucking wack-jobs and schizophrenics!! I'm into Kabbalah!
A-Rod: What's the difference?
Madonna: Kabbalah is like... well... it's like. Shit. It's Jewish Scientology, okay? You dick.

You know who is in a real tough spot if Brett Favre really does want to come back and play football this season?

The guy that writes for enough-lupica.com and placed bet $10,000 that Favre would stay retired?

The people running the Green Bay Packers are in a real tough spot.

I beg to differ. I think I'd be in a much tougher spot explaining how I lost TEN FUCKING GRAND on the dumbest bet I've made since betting that Ivan Drago would beat Rocky!!

Because they probably don't want to envision a world where he comes out of the tunnel at Lambeau Field wearing the colors of the Chicago Bears.

Hey Mike, listen. Fuck the Bears and fuck the Packers. I'm talking about ten thousand fucking dollars! I better not lose that money because some geriatric cock-sucker wants to take one last go of it. He rode off into the sunset. He better stay in the fucking sunset!!

It just shows you that you can never predict all the storylines for the Yankee season, unless of course you had kabbalah in the pool.

So Kabbalah tells the future? Great... I can track down Madonna and she can tell me what's gonna happen with this whole Favre thing, because I'm kind of worried that Big Tony's going to break my legs over some money.

(P.S. - No, I didn't REALLY bet any money on whether or not Favre would stay retired. I'm stupid, but not that stupid.)

6/22 Shooting From The Lip

I don't even have the energy today to dissect the soft, careful critique that Lupiduck wrote about the Mets and Willie. All I'll say is that the story has been covered from every imaginable angle, including Willie Randolph writing his own perspective on it in the New this week. So just when every possible angle of coverage has been exhausted, here's Lupica to write another page and a half about it. Nothing new. Nothing controversial. Nothing smart. Just the same garbage you've already read. The clock now starts on how long Lupica will continue to talk about the Willie Randolph firing. We're taking bets. The under is September 2011.

I hope the Knicks go for Joe Alexander of West Virginia, just on his nickname alone: Vanilla Sky.

Drafting players based on their nicknames is a terrific way to get a top-flight player. I can see it now!!

David Stern: With the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai!!

Mel Kipper, Jr.: Wow, so the Bulls go a different route with Jawai! I really thought he was a late first rounder. He doesn't have a lot of upside potential, but I don't know. With a nickname like that he's almost got to be successful, doesn't he?

And another thing. Vanilla Sky was a Tom Cruise movie. Am I detecting a bit of short-bias from Lupica here? Tom Cruise is short, Lupica is... well... shorter. These midgets are starting to stick together.

I can't be positive about this, but I think Ray Allen just made another 3.

The reason he can't be positive, is because that would involve actually watching sports, which would interrupt Lupica's busy schedule of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Living Lohan, Denise Richards: It's Complicated and, of course, Celebrity Circus, where Mike Lupica is pulling for his cousin Wee Man.

My man Bob Ryan, Boston Globe, has said for years that Paul Pierce was the most gifted offensive player the Celtics have ever had, and Ryan turned out to be absolutely right.

Welcome to the latest episode of Lupica: My Man! Does it ever get less homoerotic? Nope.

Just for the record though, lets look at this for a second.

Paul Pierce, The Best Offensive Player in Celtics History: 23.1 PPG, 1 NBA title, 0 MVPs.
Larry Bird, The Piece of Shit Prick with a Bad Back: 24.3 PPG, 3 NBA titles, 3 MVPs.

Bob Ryan is a complete fucking moron. He's always been a complete fucking moron. And he's also short. So again, midgets fucking sticking together!!

Phil Jackson did so much scribbling during timeouts in Game 6, I thought he was making diary entries.

And yet Phil Jackson is an 11x NBA Champion, and has won 9 of those trophies as a coach. He's recognized as one of the 10 best coaches in NBA history. So I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that whatever he was scribbling was pertinent to trying to win a basketball game.

I'll tell you one thing that Phil Jackson WASN'T writing. Checks to the refs. Doc Rivers and the Bookies had already taken care of that.

Or starting a to-do list about finding players who don't think playing defense is some sort of parttime job.

It's hard to play defense when one team is being called for hand-check fouls while the other team is allowed to throw closed fists at Black Mamba's head without a whistle.

The Yankees really are in the middle of one of the softest interleague schedules in the history of the known universe: Astros, Padres, Reds, Pirates.

Compared to the Mets, who played the Rangers, the Angels... the Colorado Rockies... and the Mariners. The Angels are tough... but that's not exactly a buzz-saw until the Yankees get to town.

Michael Jordan does not let his team lose the way the Lakers did the other night and neither does LeBron James, and that's that.

Which is why the Cavs beat the Spurs for the NBA title last year!! Because LeBron refused to let his team lose... wait, what? The Cavs got swept in that series!? Then what the fuck is Lupica talking about?

Give me the first pick and I pick LeBron every time.

Didn't we already discover in this very article, that Lupica drafts players based on nickname, so all this tells us is that he think "King James" is better than "The Black Mamba." Give me the first pick, and I'd take Nathan "The Best Most Awesome Player in NBA History Better than if Michal Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain had a Baby Who Was 17 Feet Tall and made of Titanium" Jawai.

Imagine the howling, from sea to shining sea, if the Celtics had ever quit playing on Doc Rivers the way the Lakers came to a complete screeching halt in Game 6.

You mean kind of the way the Celtics quit on Doc Rivers 10 games into the 2007 season?

Make me see "The Love Guru."

Please go see "The Love Guru." It was the worst piece of shit I ever watched... so you'll probably love it. Plus you can support the work of fellow gnome, Vern Troyer. But this is a weird random statement... even for you. What are you trying to segue into?

Speaking of Sen. Clinton: Where's her husband these days?

How could I not see it coming... this was a segue into a CLINTON JOKE!! Very classy of Lupica to keep beating the dead horse. Hey Mike... she's out of the race. She walked away. Shouldn't you be bashing Barack Obama and John McCain, while touting the candidacy of Hervé Villechaize (aka Tattoo from Fantasy Island)?