Enough-Lupica's 100th Post!!! What Have We Learned?

Yes, you read correctly. This is our 100th post at enough-lupica.com, and that cross-eyed, vertically-challenged lawn gnome still works for the Daily News. I just want to say that I officially consider this blog a failure, and I hope you all die. Okay, okay... I'm totally kidding.

What better way to celebrate 100 posts on this blog than to recap what we've learned over the last 100 entries? And what better way to do that, than to use Mike Lupica's article in today's Daily News as a basis for our research?

(For regular Lupica readers, let me explain what 'research' means. It means that we're going to look through a set of information, compare and contrast it against other pertinent information, and draw logical conclusions based on the results. In other words, something Mike hasn't done in at least 12 years.)

The Red Sox's lead over the Yankees was in double figures at this time last year, and this time last year there was no other team in their division for them to worry about.

A simple search at ESPN.com reveals the following. As of July 7, 2007... the Yankees were 9.5 games behind the Boston Red Sox. The Toronto Blue Jays were exactly 10.0 games back. By Mike Lupica's infallible logic, they were very much in the Yankees rear-view mirror. What's my point? Yes Mr. Lupica... there WAS another team in their division to worry about. The team in Toronto. It took me a grand total of 11 seconds to research this fact and give it to my readership... but you obviously have no use for facts.

The Yankees nearly came all the way back.

After you pronounced them dead several times, Mr. Best Sports Journalist in New York.

This Yankee team is wounded, and not nearly as good.

Reasons why the Yankees were better in 2007: Doug Mientkiewicz, Andy Phillips, Miguel Cairo, Josh Phelps, Wil Nieves, 12 starts from Kei Igawa, Roger Clemens, Luis Vizcaino, Scott Proctor, Ron Villone.

Reasons why Mike Lupica's statement is retarded: Joba Chamberlain, Cano's Annual Post-June Tear, Mussina's resurgence, Giambi's resurgence, Kei Igawa has only thrown 4 innings, A-Rod is heating up, Posada missed like 40 games, despite losing our best pitcher we're still surging and likely to get help within the next 3 weeks.

It is still good enough to beat the Red Sox, off what we are seeing from the Red Sox lately.

Nice veiled shot here. Vintage Lupica. Backhanded compliments. Translation: The Sox are playing like shit lately, so I guess the Yankees can probably catch them. Funny that he never mentions that the Mets play in the second-worst division in baseball.

Damon is right, because even though the Rays lost yesterday, they still have the Yankees by nine in the loss column.

Which is a nice way of exaggerating the fact that the Yankees are 8.5 games back. It's a presumption that the Rays will win their next game. The only time a normal, credible journalist pays attention to "the loss column" is during the last 2 weeks of a season. Our boy LupiCunt does it for effect.

But if last year's Yankees could make the kind of second-half run they did on a Red Sox team good enough to win it all, this year's Yankees can make a run at the Rays, starting tonight.

Again, typical LuPRICKa. He shits on a team for two paragraphs, then throws them a fucking carrot. This team's not as good as last year, and I guess they can make a run at the Sox because they're playing like shit.... but if they could make a run at those AMAZING AWESOME WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CALIBER RED SOX... then I guess they can try to catch the Rays. Fuck you and everything you stand for, Mike Lupica.

We don't know how Joe Girardi manages in an American League East race, if his team can stay in it.

Yeah, we don't know how Joe Girardi manages in an AL East Race!! He might get the shakes, ban coffee in the clubhouse and put Bobby Abreu on an IV of Ice Cream! He might bat Dan Giese in the leadoff spot!! He might decide to call up Kei Igawa to counteract the shortage of SUCK in the bullpen... I mean, since Billy Wagner's probably unavailable.

And we don't know if Brian Cashman, who didn't want Johan Santana, can get the Yankees the kind of pitching help they need, which means more than Sidney Ponson.

1) Yes Mike, we get it. He didn't want Santana. You remind us in every article. How's Santana doing in that intense NL East Race? What? He's 7-7? And his strikeouts are down? And he already looks like he regrets signing that extension across town? Because he feels like he's pitching for the Ringling Brothers team? And the coach mugged him at knife-point in the shower?

2) Yeah, we got Ponson. He was free. At his best, he's a league-average pitcher who gives you a lot of innings. Lets look at what another local team's done to patch together their woeful pitching staff. Nelson Figueroa, Claudio Vargas and Tony Armas. That crazy Omar Minaya has obviously outfoxed Cashman again.

The Yankees have enough to make their run with just a little pitching help.

Oh, you mean like when 2/5ths of our projected starting rotation for the year comes off the DL in a few weeks? Yeah... Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy are still living, breathing humans. They didn't die.

They have enough to make a run if Derek Jeter produces the way he is supposed to, if Robinson Cano, who busted up Sunday night's game with a triple and then scored the winning run in the bottom of the 10th, hits the way he is supposed to.

Cano during the 1st half (Career): .283/.316/.420, 22 HR, 133 RBI
Cano during the 2nd half (Career): .334/.366/.540, 32 HR, 141 RBI (in 400+ less PAs)

Jeter is having what would be the worst year of his career. Statistically speaking, he's one of the most consistent players in baseball history.

So lets all take a moment to congratulate Mike Lupica on these BOLD predictions. Cano has to hit better in the second half... LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES... LIKE HE'S ALREADY BEGUN DOING (19 for his last 50, which amounts to hitting .380.) And Jeter needs to improve... LIKE HE'S STATISTICALLY ALMOST FUCKING GUARANTEED TO DO BASED ON 13 SEASONS OF DATA!!!!!!!

And they can make their run, hang in there with the Red Sox and Rays, if Alex Rodriguez finally starts carrying the team the way he did at the start of last season and the way he is supposed to.

And here's what it always comes down to. A-Rod is supposed to play full-seasons like they're April 2007. That's where the Lupi-bar is set for A-Rod. Anything less than .355/.415/.882 with 14 homers and 34 RBI in a month is unacceptable from A-Rod.

Never mind the fact that you're asking the guy to hit 98 homers and drive in 239 runs. He makes a lot of money!! That's what's EXPECTED OF HIM!!!

When a team isn't scoring enough, isn't getting runners home,

It's probably the collective fault of the entire lineup, especially when you're talking about the Yankees. Damon, Jeter, Abreu, Cano, Giambi, Posada... these guys are supposed to be a Murderers Row... so you should blame them all when you're not scoring runs, right?

that is when the biggest run producer in baseball and the guy being paid the most to have the biggest stick (on the field) is supposed to be at his best, and hitting .253 with runners in scoring position shouldn't be his best.

Jesus H. Christ! By the way, the H. actually stands for 'Hfucking.' Jesus Hfucking Christ!!!

1) A-Rod is 19/75 with RSIP this year, with 17 BB. If he had hit 4 extra singles, he'd be 23/75 and batting .307 with RSIP. Are you telling me that those 4 singles are the reason we're not leading the AL East by 5 games?

2) With RSIP and 2 Outs, here's A-Rod's line - .219/.444/.500 with 12 BB (5 IBB). 7/32 with 12 walks... so maybe it has SOMETHING to do with the fact that teams DON'T PITCH TO HIM!!! When he draws walks, he's un-clutch. When he makes outs, he's un-clutch. So what the fuck do you want him to do when a pitcher doesn't throw strikes!? You want him to hit a pitch that's a foot off the plate 500 feet to dead center?!

Giambi's batting .189 with RSIP. Why not mention that? Isn't he making more money than the Florida Marlins this year? Why is it always A-Rod?

People will put up with almost anything from their sports stars, even the kind of low-rent, high-profile, gag-me publicity A-Rod is getting these days, as long as they produce.

For the umpteenth time, nobody cares about A-Rod's marriage. Nobody gives a shit about his feud with Jeter. Nobody minds if he tans in Central Park or plays Poker!! Babe Ruth played here for Chrissake!! His daily regimen involved a dozen hot dogs, seven hookers and a gallon of grain whiskey!!! And don't get me started on Mickey Mantle! We don't fucking care as long as he hits!! He's batting .323 with 18 homers and 50 RBI in 69 games!!!! Yankee fans couldn't give a shit less if he was fucking Pope Benedict spread eagle on the Vatican steps!!!!

A-Rod comes into the Rays series hitting .323, with 18 home runs and 50 RBI, despite missing more games than he usually does.

That's what I just said... how can you possibly fuck this up?

But it shows you where the bar is with Madonna's bad kaballah guy that it hasn't looked or felt or seemed like nearly enough.

The bar is down the block from your office. You go there and get shitfaced with the midget from the Bacardi & Diet Cola commercials, and then you torment me with these terrible fucking articles!!! We don't care if he fucks Madonna. Frankly, some of us hope there's a sex tape involved. (Hey A-Rod, if you're reading this, think about it... we could make a killing! You'd make back all the money from the divorce!! Call me!!)

I felt like he won his MVP award over the first half of the season, when there were all those days and nights when it seemed as if he were all the Yankees had.

Another vintage Lupica tactic. Opinion. I felt like... I thought. Hey Lupica, when we want your opinion, we'll take our dicks out of your mouth... mmkay?

Everything with Lupica is his opinion... or a baseless comparison to something that already happened. Research is never involved, even in the slightest.

But ask Yankee fans about A-Rod's season so far, and what they want to talk about is moments like the one in Friday's game, when he had the chance to bring his team back and grounded into a force play against Manny Delcarmen with the bases loaded.

What Yankee fans are you asking? Your friends? If Mike Lupica tried to ask a Yankee fan for ANYTHING, he'd be beaten within inches of his life. So how could he possibly know what's on our minds? Which brings me to another point...

WHAT QUALIFIES THIS FUCKING PRICK TO WRITE ABOUT THE YANKEES!?

Nobody on the team talks to him. The fans are loathe to him. He obviously isn't nearly as interested in covering the team as he is in his Reality TV or his Liberal Politics. He's completely out of touch with his readers. Why has this man not been fired yet? Or reassigned? Or banished to the snake fields of Zimbabwe?

You know who hasn't underproduced, even though he's been slumping again lately? Giambi. He has pretty much the same power numbers as A-Rod, and it seems like he has provided a lot more important swings.

Again... it SEEMS LIKE! Which is why it's unwise to evaluate baseball players based on your gut, or what it feels like, or seems like... or what you think. I just pointed out the fact that Jason Giambi has batted .189 with Runners in Scoring Position. Personally, I assign very little weight to the stat... however... it was Mike Lupica's basis for CRUCIFYING A-ROD.

It took me 7.4 seconds to research this stat. And this proves, completely, that Mike Lupica has done absolutely NO research. Maybe the reason it SEEMS like Giambi's gotten more big hits... is because he didn't MISS TWENTY GAMES WITH A QUAD INJURY!!! Maybe? Possible?

And Manny looked like he didn't care on Sunday night when he took three straight strikes from Mo Rivera, in a disgraceful at-bat.

A fucking day ago, this guy was giving us the pitch-by-pitch and raving about how dominant Rivera was. No chance!! Oh my goodness gracious!! Golly golly gumdrops!!! Now it's all because Manny didn't care! Disgraceful! Awful!! Horrible!! Anybody could have struck Manny out!! Jose Canseco could trotted out and thrown 3 knuckleballs past him!!! And then floated away like the Good-Year Blimp with his HGH muscles!!

But lets get to the conclusion.

The Yankees aren't as good as they used to be.

Based on what Mike Lupica sees and feels... which also tells him that Jason Giambi has been carrying the Yankees with his .189 BA with RSIP!! And A-Rod's been killing them with his shitty 18 homers in 69 games.

I can't honestly tell you what's been learned after 100 posts here. I can tell you one thing that we HAVEN'T learned. How to get this little cum-guzzler fired. We need to study. And just for the hell of it... here's some more Vintage Lupica!



In the words of Howard Cosell, I'm just telling it like it is.

Shooting for the Blurbs...

Since Fafa already saved me the frustration of making statistical comparisons between Jeter and Jose Reyes and pointing out the obvious facts, that Jeter's on pace for well over 3,000 hits, has been a key member on 4 world championship teams, and will probably be the most unanimously voted first-ballot Hall of Famer in baseball history five years after he retires... I'm going to skip right to the blurbs. And boy, do we start with a bang.

You know why the Brewers can make a big play for C.C. Sabathia when they want to make a run?

Because they probably wanted to get him out of the AL? Because the Brewers offered several of the best prospects in their system, including a minor league outfielder who's hit 20 homers in less than half a year? Because it's still three weeks before the deadline and nobody else has really made any offers for Sabathia yet?

Because they have real prospects in their system, not Yankee prospects.

Or you could go with the crazy answer. I could comment on the quality of the "real prospects" that the Mets traded for Santana after Brian Cashman decided not to give up a bunch of those shitty "Yankee prospects." I could make fun of the fact that Santana's been in Queens for half a year, and already looks desperate to get the fuck out of there. I could even go through stats and point out the fact that players like Joba Chamberlain, Brett Gardner, Jose Tabata, Alan Horne, Andrew Brackman and Dellin Betances are, in fact, real, genuine article prospects who've come through the Yankee system, along with Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera over the last few years. Not to mention that Hughes and Kennedy aren't exactly busts just yet.

What has the Met system produced since Wright and Reyes? Joe Smith? Yup, a fucking side arming middle reliever. That's what the entire minor league system has given the Mutsies in the last 4+ years.

Back in the day, when Hugh Carey was the governor of New York and Jimmy Breslin nicknamed him Society Carey, Breslin also described Carey as "a dream character in dancing pumps."

Hugh Leo Carey was born on April 11, 1919. He was the Governor of New York (and yes, we capitalize titles out of respect for the people who hold/held them Mike. It's called journalism) from 1975 to 1982. You went at least 26 years into the past for this quote. What could possibly be so important about this quote as to make you dig so deep into the annals of your brain?

And that's sort of the way I think about Hank Steinbrenner now.

Of course. A veiled shot at Hank Steinbrenner. While we're at it, why don't you just make fun of his 78-year old, mostly infirmed father? Or maybe you can write a few articles about his sister's failed marriage, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? Mike Lupica is a classless piece of tabloid-writing shit who should be fired.

After Hank yelled about how the Yankees weren't hitting and they better start or else and then they put an 18-spot on the Rangers, Hank must have had to be tied down so he wouldn't float away.

Funny. Lets recollect some recent events.

Hank yelled about Mussina ---> Mussina turned his season around and has 11 wins already.
Hank yelled about hitting ---> Yankees score 18 runs the next day.

Lupica says "Mets need more guys like Wagner" ---> Since May 18th (when Lupica said this), Wagner's blown 5 saves.

Pre-Lupica Wagner: 17 IP, 9H, 0 ER, 9 saves, 1 blown save, 0.00 ERA.
Post-Lupica Wagner: 18 IP, 17H, 9 ER, 10 saves, 5 blown saves, 4.50 ERA.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Curse of Mike Lupica.

When I heard that the hotdog eating contest between Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi ended up in that tie and they had to go to a 5-dog overtime, I just assumed it was pretty much the same as penalty kicks in soccer.

I love the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest! I really do. Although I'm sure it's not for the same reason that Mike Lupica does. I'm fascinated by people with the ability to stuff like 30 pounds worth of food into their stomach in 12 minutes. Mike Lupica just likes watching men eat hot dogs. A lot.

If Jaromir Jagr were a baseball player, he'd probably say he'd signed with Avangard Omsk in Russia because of the school system there.

Or maybe he signed there because Glen Sather informed him that the club was moving on without him. And because that 36, he can make $5 million a year to play against lesser competition and not get his ass kicked for 82 games a year. It also might have to do with the fact that he played for Avangard Omsk when the NHL went on strike a few years ago. This wasn't so much about the money, as the fact that the Rangers told him to go. Why make him out to be the bad guy? He played his ass off in New York.

I guess my favorite headline in the whole slew of them with A-Rod was the one about how Madonna had "brainwashed" our third sacker.

Yup, there you have it. The favorite headline of the number 1 sports journalist in New York City is tabloid bullshit. Just for the record... I imagine that brainwashing went something like this:

Madonna: I'm loved by gay men all over the world... you're loved by gay men all over the world... that can't be a coincidence. Can it?
A-Rod: I never thought of it that way. We should move to Hollywood, have children and pray to Xenu together!!
Madonna: No no!!! Xenu is Scientology!! Scientology is for fucking wack-jobs and schizophrenics!! I'm into Kabbalah!
A-Rod: What's the difference?
Madonna: Kabbalah is like... well... it's like. Shit. It's Jewish Scientology, okay? You dick.

You know who is in a real tough spot if Brett Favre really does want to come back and play football this season?

The guy that writes for enough-lupica.com and placed bet $10,000 that Favre would stay retired?

The people running the Green Bay Packers are in a real tough spot.

I beg to differ. I think I'd be in a much tougher spot explaining how I lost TEN FUCKING GRAND on the dumbest bet I've made since betting that Ivan Drago would beat Rocky!!

Because they probably don't want to envision a world where he comes out of the tunnel at Lambeau Field wearing the colors of the Chicago Bears.

Hey Mike, listen. Fuck the Bears and fuck the Packers. I'm talking about ten thousand fucking dollars! I better not lose that money because some geriatric cock-sucker wants to take one last go of it. He rode off into the sunset. He better stay in the fucking sunset!!

It just shows you that you can never predict all the storylines for the Yankee season, unless of course you had kabbalah in the pool.

So Kabbalah tells the future? Great... I can track down Madonna and she can tell me what's gonna happen with this whole Favre thing, because I'm kind of worried that Big Tony's going to break my legs over some money.

(P.S. - No, I didn't REALLY bet any money on whether or not Favre would stay retired. I'm stupid, but not that stupid.)

Ding Dong, The Rivalry Is Dead

Red Sox coming for weekend, but rivalry with Yankees might be taking a holiday

Yes it's true. The Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, which has been considered the biggest rivalry in the history of american sports, is officially on hold.

Maybe it will still be a Yankee-Red Sox season in the American League East before it is over, the way it always has been in the past. Maybe they will fight it out for first place in September the way they usually do. Maybe the Rays aren't for real, as real and young and talented and hungry as they look these days, against the Red Sox and everybody else. Maybe. It is not just a Yankee-Red Sox season so far, even if they are about to play four against each other at the Stadium over the Fourth.

Maybe you can stop using the word "maybe" over and over. You don't need to be a sports journalist to know that any of these things can happen. But thanks for pointing them out, Master Of The Obvious.

You want to understand why things look a little different in the American League in the season that has been played so far? Start here: Start with a Yankee-Red Sox series in September of 1997, when the Yankees were in second place behind the Orioles, where they would stay until the end of that regular season. The Red Sox were nothing that year, running third in the AL East, a couple of games under .500, years away from John Henry and Larry Lucchino and Tom Werner getting the team and changing baseball in Boston and New York forever.

Apparently, forever only lasts eleven years, because, according to the midget sports genius, the rivalry is being put on hold for this weekend.

And why does that series from '97 matter and why should you care about it? Because according to the Elias Sports Bureau, which knows everything, it was the last time the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox played against each other this late in a season - after Memorial Day - and at least one of them wasn't in first place at the time.

So Lupica is saying that nothing has happened between these two teams since 1997 that could have upped the rivalry.

Let's see - Aaron Boone, Pedro, Roger Clemens,1999 ALCS, 2003 ALCS, 2004 ALCS, 2007, both teams finishing in first and second place 10 of the last eleven years, 3 rings for the Yankees, 2 for the Red Sox, the Red Sox breaking the curse…throw all that out the window. It's all worthless, because neither team is in first place the first week of July in 2008.

That's right - there will be plenty of empty seats in Yankee Stadium this weekend, because conversations like the following are taking place all over the tri-state area and in Red Sox Nation:

Fan #1: "Hey, do you want to go to the Yankees - Red Sox game this weekend?"

Fan #2: "Holy crap let's go!!! Oh, wait a minute..."

Fan #1: "What's the matter?"

Fan #2: (flipping through Lupica calendar) "Well, it's already July 3rd, and neither team is in first place. That's not much of a rivalry."

Fan #1: "Wow, you are right. This four game series is gonna suck. Why don't you come over tonight and we'll watch some horribly effeminate reality TV, like 'Dancing With The Stars'?"

Fan #2: "That sounds great!"

Fan #1: "Don't forget the lube!"

It is still the Yankees against the Red Sox for four over a holiday weekend, ending up with one of those ESPN games on Sunday night that both teams hate. There will probably be at least one four-hour game, and maybe some hard feelings because of all the guys who got thrown at the last time they played at the Stadium. But for the first time in a very long time, neither one of them leads the division at this time of year, neither one of them leads the conversation in baseball.

And that, my friends, is the brilliant conclusion that Lupishit has come to - neither team is in first place, therefore, the biggest rivalry in sports is officially put on hold until further notice.

Mike, you are such a scary talent.

Monday and Tuesday night the Yankees pitched and didn't hit. Wednesday night they hit like crazy, hit all game long, came from behind twice, scored nine runs in an inning, tried to make up with this one night all the bad nights of this season when they left everybody on base. Before they busted out Wednesday night, the whole thing had started to get older at Yankee Stadium than, well, Madonna.

Yesterday, Douche Bag Mike wrote a trashy tabloid article about ARod and Madonna that would make the paparazzi over at The Inquirer blush.

Today? Well, the Madonna story, according to Lupica, is getting old. One day after he "earned" his paycheck writing about it. What a hack.

It is still the Yankees and the Red Sox this weekend, still a very big deal. Just nobody in first place this time.

The premise of this article is this: The Yankees - Red Sox rivalry is on hold because neither team is in first place.

And Lupica sums it up by saying this: The Yankees - Red Sox rivalry is alive and well, despite neither team being in first place.

Make up your mind, you retarded dwarf.

To Resolve Confusion...

Sorry Lupica, the drama isn't all A-Rod's fault after all.

As you can see, Cynthia Rodriguez ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. Yup, that's right. C-Rod is frolicking about the city of lights with he of the Dr. Seuss lyrics and imposter-Hendrix poses.

So I guess that means that this is just your typical break-up. A-Rod and his wife are splitting up. Madonna and her husband are splitting up. A-Rod may or may not be giving the mushroom yogurt to Madge. And Cynthia Rodriguez may or may not be serving her taco to Lenny Kravitz.

Ultimately, the Yankees cranked out a season-high 18 runs yesterday. A-Rod homered again, giving him 17 on the year, despite the fact that he's missed a quarter of the games his team has played with his quad injury. He's doing his job, and his private life isn't really much of our business... although it'll be a little interesting to see him give Jeter a run for his money on the New York Celebrity Dating Circuit.

Welcome to the real world Mr. Lupica. Marriages end, people lie, true love doesn't always last forever, and sometimes the doctor is serious when he tells a seven year old boy that he'll never be as tall as his little sister.

P.S. - Adding a new tag, Rays Annual Late-July Choke. It's coming. Here's to hoping it's another fun tradition like the Sox Annual August Choke.

More Bullshit Regarding This Worthless Article...

I know Mister Six already covered this Lupica article, but it pissed me off so much that I had to add my two cents.

The story about Rodriguez Tuesday really should have been about the time he spent with a cancer patient, an 18-year-old named John Challis he met last week in Pittsburgh.

This story was about the time ARod spent with John Challis. Cheap tabloid shit like ARod hanging with Madonna is so much more important to sports fans than ARod cheering up a terminally ill kid.

Nice priorities, Mike.

Challis was in New York with his dad Tuesday and Rodriguez ended up giving the young man a tour of his Manhattan apartment and then giving John Challis a ride with him to Yankee Stadium. But because he is A-Rod and sometimes he can't keep the genie in the bottle, so to speak, the paparazzi outside his apartment cared very little about John Challis and wanted to shout out questions only about Madonna.

Congratulations, Mike. You just compared yourself to grocery store tabloid gossip writers - you know, where failed sportswriters go to collect a paycheck.

Nice job, ass face.

Just because that is the world A-Rod lives in and the one we live in.

Sports fans live in a sports world and read the sports section for sports stories that sports columnists usually write about. Not only did you choose to write about a trash story, but you somehow got it past your editors to link ARod to steroids because he hung out with Madonna, a former girlfriend of steroid freak Jose Canseco.

This is the shit that you write about? What the fuck kind of sports writer are you?

We already know the answer to that - you fucking SUCK at writing about sports.

Madonna Is A Steroid Dealer

There's really no other explanation for this latest nugget of Lupica genius.

Cashman smiled. "There's some story going around today about him and Madonna. That's the drama."

Yup, that's the drama. Which is to say that this is really just the latest bullshit that the General Manager of the most famous baseball team on the planet has to address. People aren't asking Cashman about deadline trades. They're not asking about Joba's progression as a starter or Mussina's resurgence, or the fact that despite missing 20 games this year, A-Rod is only 3 homers behind Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore and Carlos Quentin's 19 for the league lead. Cashman's talking to you about Madonna.

Think about that. Think about how fucking ridiculous that is. That the private business of two adults requires commentary from Cashman because one of them happens to play for the Yankees. Could you ever, in a million fucking years, imagine someone asking Cashman about who's waxing Derek Jeter's carrot this week? Jessica Biel? Minka Kelly? Jessica Alba? Vanessa Minnillo? Maybe it's Adriana Lima or Jordana Brewster!!

Another thing... has anybody ever noticed that Jeter seems to have the "Good Luck Chuck" effect on women? Carey married Nick Cannon. Biel's all tight with Justin Timberschmuck. Alba's engaged and pumping out a unit. Vannillo's with Nick Lachey. And Lima's engaged to Marko Jaric! Everybody he dates seems to marry the next guy that sticks around for breakfast.

A little over a year ago, almost 13 months exactly, there were the pictures of A-Rod in Toronto with a blond "exotic dancer" named Joslyn Noel Morse, the two of them not just photographed together but having been seen entering a strip club together, which still seems like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Yeah Lupica. A little over a year ago. And guess who the only person who still cares about it is? That's right! You, mother fucker!! You've got the memory of a 3 foot tall Lup-iphant. You never forget. And you also never forget to ram these crappy non-stories up the anal cavities of your non-readers. Where's the connection between these two events?

When asked about his blond friend in May of 2007, Rodriguez said, "No comment."
Which is what he said Tuesday on the field at Yankee Stadium when asked about the report in US Weekly that he had been seen making some late-night visits to Madonna's West Side apartment. Rodriguez said "No comment."

Well, there you have it. That's tabloid journalism at it's finest right there. It doesn't get much better than that if you're reading US Weekly or The Sun or The National Enquirer. Wait, you mean... this piece was run in the New York Daily News? A credible news publication that claims to have the number 1 sports section in the city?!

A-Rod said "no comment" about the stripper, and then he said "no comment" about Madonna. The only explanation is that "no comment" is A-Rod slang for "Yeah, I fucked that bitch doggie-style!" He needs his own way of saying things because he's the best right-handed hitter in the entirety of baseball. To make sure there's no confusion.

Now, if these stories about him and Madonna are true - and just for the sake of conversation today, let's say Rodriguez wasn't visiting Madonna for their book club - that means he has joined another kind of list, one that in the old days was supposed to have included Jose Canseco, who has been hinting for years, without proof, that A-Rod may have had more than a passing interest in steroids.

Here's where the magic starts! With a signature Lupica run-on sentence. Look at that baby go! SIX FUCKING COMMAS!! TWO HYPHENS!! This sentence is it's own paragraph. For an ordinary sports journalist, you write this sentence, you spell-check and your work is done!

Just in case you got lost in all the words and punctuation, lets examine what Mike's saying here.

Canseco screwed Madonna ----> Canseco did steroids
A-Rod might be screwing Madonna ----> A-Rod must have done steroids too.

By this logic, do you know who else has used performance-enhancing drugs? Guy Ritchie! Not to mention Chris Rock, David Blaine, Chris Paciello, Billy Zane, Andy Bird, Mark McGrath, Charles Barkley, Carlos Leon, Tupac, Dennis Rodman, Anthony Kiedis, Isabella Rossellini, David Duchovny, Big Daddy Kane, James Albright, Vanilla Ice, Lenny Kravitz, Antonio Banderas, Matt Dillon, Prince, Sandra Bernhard, JFK Junior, Sean Penn, Keith Carradine, David Lee Roth, Warren Beatty, Basquiat, Rosanna Arquette, Megan Mullally, Kelly McGillis, John Starks, Henry Rollins, Jennifer Grey and Henry Rollins.

Oh, and Naomi Campbell. I guess that explains her obvious 'roid rage.

There we have it, courtesy of New York's shortest journalist. The link between steroids and famous celebrities of all kinds is clearly Madonna. Thank God for you Mike Lupica. Now the healing process can genuinely begin.

Coming Next Week: Amy Winehouse spotted in Yankee Clubhouse, Giambi Suspected of Crack-Use.