Madonna Is A Steroid Dealer

There's really no other explanation for this latest nugget of Lupica genius.

Cashman smiled. "There's some story going around today about him and Madonna. That's the drama."

Yup, that's the drama. Which is to say that this is really just the latest bullshit that the General Manager of the most famous baseball team on the planet has to address. People aren't asking Cashman about deadline trades. They're not asking about Joba's progression as a starter or Mussina's resurgence, or the fact that despite missing 20 games this year, A-Rod is only 3 homers behind Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore and Carlos Quentin's 19 for the league lead. Cashman's talking to you about Madonna.

Think about that. Think about how fucking ridiculous that is. That the private business of two adults requires commentary from Cashman because one of them happens to play for the Yankees. Could you ever, in a million fucking years, imagine someone asking Cashman about who's waxing Derek Jeter's carrot this week? Jessica Biel? Minka Kelly? Jessica Alba? Vanessa Minnillo? Maybe it's Adriana Lima or Jordana Brewster!!

Another thing... has anybody ever noticed that Jeter seems to have the "Good Luck Chuck" effect on women? Carey married Nick Cannon. Biel's all tight with Justin Timberschmuck. Alba's engaged and pumping out a unit. Vannillo's with Nick Lachey. And Lima's engaged to Marko Jaric! Everybody he dates seems to marry the next guy that sticks around for breakfast.

A little over a year ago, almost 13 months exactly, there were the pictures of A-Rod in Toronto with a blond "exotic dancer" named Joslyn Noel Morse, the two of them not just photographed together but having been seen entering a strip club together, which still seems like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Yeah Lupica. A little over a year ago. And guess who the only person who still cares about it is? That's right! You, mother fucker!! You've got the memory of a 3 foot tall Lup-iphant. You never forget. And you also never forget to ram these crappy non-stories up the anal cavities of your non-readers. Where's the connection between these two events?

When asked about his blond friend in May of 2007, Rodriguez said, "No comment."
Which is what he said Tuesday on the field at Yankee Stadium when asked about the report in US Weekly that he had been seen making some late-night visits to Madonna's West Side apartment. Rodriguez said "No comment."

Well, there you have it. That's tabloid journalism at it's finest right there. It doesn't get much better than that if you're reading US Weekly or The Sun or The National Enquirer. Wait, you mean... this piece was run in the New York Daily News? A credible news publication that claims to have the number 1 sports section in the city?!

A-Rod said "no comment" about the stripper, and then he said "no comment" about Madonna. The only explanation is that "no comment" is A-Rod slang for "Yeah, I fucked that bitch doggie-style!" He needs his own way of saying things because he's the best right-handed hitter in the entirety of baseball. To make sure there's no confusion.

Now, if these stories about him and Madonna are true - and just for the sake of conversation today, let's say Rodriguez wasn't visiting Madonna for their book club - that means he has joined another kind of list, one that in the old days was supposed to have included Jose Canseco, who has been hinting for years, without proof, that A-Rod may have had more than a passing interest in steroids.

Here's where the magic starts! With a signature Lupica run-on sentence. Look at that baby go! SIX FUCKING COMMAS!! TWO HYPHENS!! This sentence is it's own paragraph. For an ordinary sports journalist, you write this sentence, you spell-check and your work is done!

Just in case you got lost in all the words and punctuation, lets examine what Mike's saying here.

Canseco screwed Madonna ----> Canseco did steroids
A-Rod might be screwing Madonna ----> A-Rod must have done steroids too.

By this logic, do you know who else has used performance-enhancing drugs? Guy Ritchie! Not to mention Chris Rock, David Blaine, Chris Paciello, Billy Zane, Andy Bird, Mark McGrath, Charles Barkley, Carlos Leon, Tupac, Dennis Rodman, Anthony Kiedis, Isabella Rossellini, David Duchovny, Big Daddy Kane, James Albright, Vanilla Ice, Lenny Kravitz, Antonio Banderas, Matt Dillon, Prince, Sandra Bernhard, JFK Junior, Sean Penn, Keith Carradine, David Lee Roth, Warren Beatty, Basquiat, Rosanna Arquette, Megan Mullally, Kelly McGillis, John Starks, Henry Rollins, Jennifer Grey and Henry Rollins.

Oh, and Naomi Campbell. I guess that explains her obvious 'roid rage.

There we have it, courtesy of New York's shortest journalist. The link between steroids and famous celebrities of all kinds is clearly Madonna. Thank God for you Mike Lupica. Now the healing process can genuinely begin.

Coming Next Week: Amy Winehouse spotted in Yankee Clubhouse, Giambi Suspected of Crack-Use.