Shooting From The...*YAWWWWWWNNNN*

I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get a little bit tiring, constantly having to defend New York sports from the tyranny of the Keebler Elf Leader. Luckily for me, he actually picked a new topic for Sunday's Shooting from the Lip! Something he's never bitched or whined about!! The New York Knicks!!! Hooray!!!!

Also, we have another mention of Lupica's friends. He sure does seem to have a lot of them, doesn't he? Must be hard for him to remember all of their names and birthdays, not to mention his busy schedule of being a centerpiece in circle jerks all over the tri-state area. Well, before you shed a tear, let me assure you that none of Lupica's "friends" actually have names... because they don't fucking exist.

There is a Knicks fan I know, a big one, who happened to be in London this week.

Bullshit Mike. Who'd you bump into? Spike Lee? He wouldn't risk his street cred to talk to your midget ass! Don't even fucking lie to me. There are like 17 Knicks fans (including myself) in the entire world right now. You didn't find one of them in London.

The last time he attended the NBA draft in person was the night the Knicks traded away Marcus Camby and Nene, did all that and got Antonio McDyess' knee in return.

Yeah, that was a bad fucking trade. But now I know it's not Spike Lee, because there's no way he hasn't been to a draft in that long.

But the guy was sure interested in this one, and sure that he didn't want the Italian kid, Danilo Gallinari.

Of course your imaginary Knick Fan friend doesn't want Gallinari!! If he did, then you'd have no vehicle in which to drive this shitty article up the ass of the 17 actual Knick fans who give a shit.

The guy said that he had stayed with his team through everything, through what has become the worst era in Knicks history, stayed with them through Isiah Thomas, but that if Donnie Walsh drafted the Italian kid, he was done with the Knicks, that's it, goodbye, he'd wait to see if the Nets ever actually made it to Brooklyn.

This Knick fan sounds a lot like Mike Lupica, doesn't he? Lets be serious here. You're a Knick fan (one of the 17) and you've been through season after season of embarrassing, frustrating losses. You've been through Isiah Thomas, Eddie Curry, Larry Brown, Isiah Thomas, Starbury, Lenny Wilkens, Herb Williams, Isiah Thomas, Alan Houston's knees, Antonio McDyess's mummified corpse, Isiah Thomas's sexual harassment suit, Nate Robinson attacking Malik Rose in the shower and Isiah Thomas... and you're gonna quit on your team because they draft a guy that you don't like? Before you ever see the guy play a fucking game?

If this was actually said by a "Knick fan", and not made up in the dwarven brain of Mike Lupica, then whoever this "Knick fan" is... is the worst excuse for a bandwagon fan in the history of bandwagon fanhood. The Knicks haven't even HAD a bandwagon in at least 10 years... and this guy's just jumping off it now?

Speaking of riding dead horses, they just loaded Eight Belles into the starting gate at Belmont for the 1st race. Velazquez thinks he can get one more good run out of her.

He doesn't play any defense, and if we're ever going to get good again in my lifetime, we're eventually going to have to play some defense, right?

Did D'Antoni make them play defense in Phoenix? How'd they do out there? Oh, that's right. Better than the Knicks. And how do you know how much defense Gallinari plays? WE'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN HIM IN THE NBA!!!!!

The drafting of the Italian kid - and that's if Walsh and D'Antoni are right about him - is the start of the team's extreme makeover.

Because what's a Mike Lupica article without some reference to Reality TV?! Extreme Makeover - Knicks Edition!

The Knicks aren't just the worst team in town, they are the one furthest from being something.
I think the Mets are fucked a lot more than the Knicks, no offense Met fans. The Knicks have some young guys that have shown improvement with Nate Robinson, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler, and now Gallinari. They've got Marbury's expiring contract as a massive trading chip.

Lupica's boyfriends, the Mets, pillaged their minor league system for Johan, who already looks like he doesn't want to be here. Oliver Perez and Aaron Heilman also can't wait to get the fuck out of town. Beltran plays baseball 5 years older than he is. Castillo's locked up for 4 years. That team is basically "David Wright or Bust!" for the foreseeable future... and by the time they can do something serious to fix that, David Wright's probably going to want out too. But at least Reyes can dance... when he's not prompting the manager to threaten to cut him.

***

But Bill Clinton was here the other day and seems to be almost as big in England as Jerry Lewis is in France.

More important than the reality TV reference, is the veiled shot at guy who hasn't been the President in 7 1/2 years. Got any good Reagan jokes? How about Lincoln! Lincoln jokes are a gas!!

There's this sausage they sell at Wimbledon called a Dutchee and it's pretty good.

Mike Lupica loves the sausage.

Not bratwurst-in-Milwaukee good, but close enough

I mean, really fucking loves the sausage. Rather than pasting the rest of this, just trust me when I say that he goes on for another half a page about the sausage. How they poke it with a needle to make sure it's ready to be stuck in your mouth. How slow the line is. How he was as excited as a virgin on prom night about wrapping his lips around some big, hot, thick, juicy, British Sausage...

Bondy would have been a lot more impressed about my soccer knowledge if my 6-to-1 bet on Turkey against Germany had paid off, I can tell you that right now.

If any Turkish people are reading this, please note than this is the reason your team lost! Mike Lupica bet on them. I don't know how hardcore you guys are about soccer, but if you want to assassinate somebody for causing the loss to zee Germans, you should target Mike Lupica. He cursed them.

What part of "contract year" is Oliver Perez not getting so far?

The part where he's supposed to win games when his offense doesn't score any runs. If you had ever actually WATCHED a baseball game, you'd understand what I mean.

Who would have thought at the start of the season that Mike Mussina would come back and pitch the way Mets fans want Pedro to pitch?

Mike Mussina's ERA+ is 104 right now. That means he's basically league-average. He's got 10 wins because his team scores runs. That's not to say that he hasn't pitched well, but the bottom line is that he's not chasing a Cy Young or anything.

If Mussina was pitching for the Mets, he'd be 6-10 instead of 10-6, because the Mets don't have the offense to get a guy the win if he gives up 4 runs. And Lupica would bitch about wanting Pedro.

Red Sox fans have probably forgotten all that "Nancy Drew" stuff on J.D. from last season by now, I'm guessing.

Why? He's still a fucking faggot. And he's on pace to miss 28 games this season. He's currently played in 71/85. People call him "Nancy Drew" because he's softer than a newborn baby's ballsack! Not because he can't hit.

Twelve-year-old Shannon Hamilton, from Albuquerque, N.M., won the third go-round's ranch rodeo at the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer, and set the 2008 roping record in the process.

Welcome to the latest installment of "Using Don Imus's Charitable Deeds to Justify the Fact that He's a Fucking Racist!!"

I'm just hoping the Rev. Al doesn't have any problem with that.

Rev. Al doesn't have a problem with that. Rev. Al has a problem with Imus going on the radio and screaming racial slurs and stereotypes about black people to boost his fucking ratings. Unless you really believe that he was implying that "Pacman was unfairly targeted." Are you that stupid? I didn't think so. I'm not either.

They're not nearly as interested in the Subway Series here as you might think.

I wouldn't think that people in London give a shit about the Mets or Yankees. They have their own sports to worry about.

I had heard London was expensive. What I didn't know was that I was going to need a summer job when I got home.

Don't worry little boy. I'm sure the Daily News will set you up with a paper route to make extra money.

What?! You're a 53 year old man?! Can't they get you some growth hormones or something?!I guess you could be a chimney sweep! Maybe Santa needs help making the toys!!

Let's Salute Baseball Fans

Question: What do you get when you get high-fived by a midget?

Answer: A giant smack in the balls.

This one is for the baseball fans of New York City, who keep coming no matter what

Tell me, in what city have fans decided to stop coming to games?

who sometimes are even a bigger story than the teams they come to watch.

Like the stupid Mets fans, who still think they are a great team.

Everybody talks about the 1950s in New York…

I know what you’re saying! I mean, on Christmas Eve at the in-laws, all everyone talked about was the 1950’s in New York! I kinda felt bad for all the other decades that were left out of the conversation.

At one point I even said “that reminds me about this one time in the 1940’s…”

All I got were dirty looks.

You want to pick the real Sportsman of the Year in New York? It is those eight million strong, men and women and children.

They stayed with their teams until the very end

Uh oh…I sense a small diss regarding the historical collapse of the playoff-less 2007 Mets, and a book about the failures of the Yankees.

stayed even past that dreadful first inning from Tom Glavine on that last Sunday at Shea Stadium, stayed as the inevitable for the Mets — everything that had been happening for the past 16 games - became truly inevitable against the Marlins.

So many Mets fans stayed all the way until the bitter end, and there had never been a baseball ending this bitter for a New York team, at least not since the Dodgers finally blew it all to the Giants in 1951.

But you wouldn’t know it from reading Lupica’s column, considering he chalked up the collapse to “bad luck”, not “bad team”.

The Yankees did better than the Mets

Wow, that had to hurt.

At least it sounds like Loopy is going to at least acknowledge the Yankees amazing comeback from an awful first half.

Or Arod’s amazing season.

Or the emergence of Joba.

then couldn’t get past the first round of the playoffs again, couldn’t get past the first round for the third year in a row, couldn’t win one round with another $200 million team.

So instead of talking about the best comeback this city has seen in years, we get the same bullshit about first round exits and $200 million payroll.

How many years do you think Lupica would get if plagiarizing yourself was illegal?

In Boston they are now convinced that Fenway Park, the scene of an amazing celebration of baseball for every home game the Red Sox play, has now become the de facto capital of the sport. The Red Sox have now won two World Series since 2004, won two since the Yankees won their last in 2000 and seem set up to win more than that over the next few years.

Wow, when I read the first sentence of this article (“This one is for the baseball fans of New York City”) I kind of assumed it would be an article about the baseball fans of New York City.

Anyone think Lupica mentioned how many more World Series the Marlins had won than the Mets in 2003, since the Mets last won in 1986?

No, but I bet the number 200 million was mentioned at least twice in that 2003 October article.

So it was not just the history of this rivalry that changed after the Yankees were ahead 3-0 in the American League Championship Series of ’04, it was the current history of baseball. It is one reason that Hank Steinbrenner has come out of the gate spending money like this, spending as much in any offseason as the old man ever did, would be willing to spend more on Johan Santana. He wants to take something back from the Red Sox.

Seriously, can this asshole EVER write ANYTHING positive about a team that has made the postseason THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS IN A ROW!?

Saluting baseball fans in New York City?!

Thanks Mike.

Just kick us in the nuts next time.

They sell out the whole season in Boston.

Under 39,000 seats and the only baseball team in town? How is this worth mentioning?

They sell the tickets they sell and would probably sell as many as the Yankees if they had a ballpark as big as the old Yankee Stadium, or the new one.

“Sell…sell…sell!?!?” Ever see “Marathon Man”?

Their teams break their hearts - and, in the case of the 2007 Mets, their legs, too - and they keep coming.

Um, you forgot to mention the 2006 Mets.
The 2005 Mets.
The 2004 Mets.

Oh fuck it, all TWENTY (!!!) Mets teams since 1986.

Is it time to say $200 million again, Mike?

The Sportsman of the Year isn’t A-Rod. It’s the people who watch him play. And pay his salary. This one is for them.

Once again, thanks Mike, we appreciate the compliment.

By “compliment”, I mean “smack in the balls”.

* * *

Just hearing George Carlin on Imus the other week with his unique - and screamingly funny - take on steroids in baseball has me ready for his next HBO special already.

OH hahhaha that old bag Imus sure is funny…

Did they give their take on their overdoses of cocaine and booze too?

If I were the people making the decision for the Mets about who should work with Howie Rose on radio next season, the star search would end with a great young guy named Jon Schiambi, whom I first heard doing Marlins games.

And thanks for the great insight on WHY you would hire him.

Way to expand on your opinion. Dick.

Whenever we go more than few days without hearing from Hank Steinbrenner, I just assume he forgot to get his flu shot.

Oh hahaha! I see you still suscribe to the Imus “book of humor”, which states “being funny is optional’.

Happy New Year.

Fuck you, midget.

Imus, Crappelbon, Pavano, the usual Yankee bashing crap

One down, two to go!

Now that Mike's coke buddy Imus got the boot from radio, we'll no longer have to hear him over the airwaves - thank god!

Now we just have to figure out a way to get him off TV and out of the newspapers.

This week's worthless piece of crap article by Lupica is all about the cokehead Imus and how the whole apology should have been between Imus and the Rutgers basketball team.

Did Imus get screwed? Yes.

Do I care? HELL NO!

Anything that's bad for Lupica is GOOD for me and good for the Yankees.

Imus had lost his career, at least for now.

Poor Mike - now he can't hear himself come across like a skirt-wearing jackass on the radio.

It was just one more part of this that was all wrong.

On the contrary, Mike - I did a little happy dance, knowing that your connection to the airwaves was cut off like Corzine racing to Imus' suck up session with Rutgers.

No one found his statements acceptable. No one will forget what happened

No one will care a week later, which is basically the case right now.

..and also includes a firing that never should have happened, and solves nothing...
Actually, it solves TWO things -

1. Getting that no-talent corpse Imus off the air, and
2. Getting YOU off the air.

We're all taught as kids to answer bad talk with good talk.

Actually, I was taught "If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say it at all"

I just start websites where I say nasty shit.

The bottom line is this - Imus was a no-talent, and Lupica kissed his ass on the radio and in his piece of crap Sunday column.

That says a lot about the great Mike Lupica.

***

There are some nights when a Billy Wagner ninth inning is more exciting than the last five minutes of '24'

Translation : "I'm too much of a loser to give Mariano Rivera any props".

If you watched Jonathan Papelbon of the Red Sox come out of the bullpen against the Texas Rangers last Sunday night on ESPN, you saw one of the most dominating efforts by a closer you're going to see all season.

Yeah, and if Lupica bothered to mention Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, he could have commented on Rivera striking out the side in the 9th inning.

I think Lupica spent that day getting high on Jose Reyes dirty jock strap, instead of reporting on the Yankees.

You know, the team that OWNS New York?

Well, you could have picked me up off the floor when I found out Pavano was getting pushed back a couple of days with a sore arm.

I'd love to comment on this blurb, but I'm in too much shock...Lupica wrote about Pavano...AGAIN!?!?

How on the money was I with the Carl Pavano joke book?

Get used to it people - we are gonna be reading this shit ALL SEASON.

Sometimes my hamstrings get tight just watching the Yankees play.

Oh, HAHAHAHA I get it!

And sometimes people have the following reaction from reading Mike's column...


Where were the props for ARod?

Oh thats right - Mike cant say anything good about the Yankees.

Just wait until ARod goes hitless in 2 games.

Mike will mention that, and ARod's relationship with Jeter, ARod's fielding, etc, you know, the usual Lupica bullshit slams on the Yankees.

Lupica on Imus: An Observation

Today I had the misfortune of hearing Mike Lupica as a guest on the Don Imus show. For a moment I felt like all the air was mysteriously being drained from my car, and then I realized it was Lupica SUCKING UP so hard to Don Imus.

Has anyone ever heard this ass clown on the Imus show? I don’t listen to Imus, but WFAN just happened to be on when I started my car. All I heard was Imus babbling about some stupid crap, and some idiot was laughing uncontrollably on the phone.

Out of pure disgust I went to change the station, but then I thought that Imus was having an Radio-Thon for the underprivileged, judging by the way this mentally challenged person was coming across over the phone.

Then I realized – I know that voice! It’s that Corky kid from Life Goes On!

Just as I started feeling guilty for thinking bad thoughts about Corky, Imus mumbled, “We’re talking to Mike Lupica…”

My second guess after Corky.

Everything that marble mouth Imus gurgled out, Lupica responded with a howling laugh, as if the Yankees just lost the World Series.

I can only imagine the conversation went like this…

Imus – “We have Mike Lupica on the phone, good morning Mike.”

Lupica – “Oh, HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!!”

Imus – “So have you been writing about the Yankees payroll again?”

Lupica – “Oh, HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!!”

Imus – “So I heard you and Jose Reyes are a couple now?”

Lupica – “Oh, HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!!”

Imus – “What’s your take on the steroid scandal?”

Lupica – “Oh, HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!!”

Imus – “What’s the death toll of American soldiers in Iraq?”

Lupica – “Oh, HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!!”

Lupica spends all his time trying to come across as this smarmy, goody two shoes, smart ass know-it-all sports columnist, when in reality he is a socially retarded, ass kissing panderer to DON IMUS, whose fame fizzled out in the 80’s when he was exposed as a no talent alcoholic and a coke head.

Nice company you keep, Mike.