Lupica Sucks Off Calipari!

John Calipari is sticking it to his doubters. And Mike Lupica is right there with him to tell you all about it. They're holding hands around campus. Mike Lupica is inspiring Calipari to coach his butt off with the tale of a four-foot-nothing sports journalist who rose to power in the big city of New York. Calipari feels so inspired by the story of shortness, that he's going to start Derrick Rose at Center in the big game. Little folks can do anything!

He can talk his way through a Final Four the way only a handful of coaches ever have, the way Jimmy Valvano seemed to talk for a whole weekend in Albuquerque in 1983 before his North Carolina State team won it all.

You heard it here. The reason Valvano coached the biggest upset in college basketball history at N.C. State is because he was a big talker. Nothing to do with the players or his coaching ability. Jimmy V. talked his ass off that week! Thanks a lot, for diminishing the memory of a great, inspiring and now-deceased coach.

John Calipari already had the quote of the tournament before he got to San Antonio, talking about his star guard, Derrick Rose, saying that if Rose was going to do what was best for himself and his family, he would leave school after his freshman year for the pros.

The Apostle Peter had the best quote in the Bible, when he said, "Holy shit! That dude is walking on fucking water! People can't do that!"

He first made a Final Four with UMass 12 years ago when Marcus Camby was his center, took over the Nets and made the playoffs with them, when that was no small thing, and then they ran him out of Jersey a year later when they were 3-15.

He made his first Final Four when he had Marcus Camby, who was later drafted #2 in 1996, and would have gone #1 ahead of Tim Duncan if not for some fluky heart problem. Marcus Camby was an absolute beast in college, probably the best player in the NCAA that year (hence him winning the Naismith and Wooden Awards in 95-96.)

And to kill any notion that Calipari got a raw deal in New Jersey, here is his full record as an NBA coach.

NJ Nets - 1996-97 - 26 Wins, 56 Losses
NJ Nets - 1997-98 - 43 Wins, 39 Losses, Lost in First Round of Playoffs (0 - 3)
NJ Nets - 1998-99 - 3 Wins, 17 Losses

Nope, not a typo. Lupica didn't check his fucking facts. Or maybe he intentionally made this look less ugly, especially since he didn't mention the 1996-97 season. He wanted it to look like Calipari was a good coach who had a bad quarter-of-a-season and got canned. Probably because it's hard to get approval to verbally suck the dick of a below-average coach. And that "Memphis Dribble-Drive Motion Attack" offense was invented at Pepperdine by a guy named Vance Walberg. Calipari just stole it.

Which brings us to a little-known fact in sports. The "Lupica Curse." No team who's coach or players directly interact with Mike Lupica has ever won a championship. Ever. Mike Lupica is believed to be directly responsible for the following tragic sports events:

1) Luis Gonzalez's broken-bat bloop single in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series.
2) Buckner booting the ball in the 1986 World Series.
3) Barbaro breaking his leg during the 2006 Preakness Stakes.
4) Lou Gehrig's Disease. Yes, the entire disease.

There are others too, however, Mike Lupica was NOT responsible for Yadier Molina's home run in the 2006 NLCS or the Mets historic collapse in September 2007. Those events are simply proof that God is a Yankee fan.

It is with the Lupica Curse in mind that on this Seventh day of April, 2008, I, Mister Six, of sound mind and body, do predict that Kansas will upset John Calipari's Memphis team. Yup, you heard it here first. Kansas is going to win. (Note: I haven't watched any NCAA basketball this year, and I know nothing about either of these teams except the research I did to write this article. I'm just picking against Lupica, because he's wrong about 95% of the time.)