Shooting Shit From The Lip

A simple Wikipedia search of Mike Lupica reveals that he was born in 1952 (it doesn't give a specific date), making him approximately 56 years old. Personally, I've always thought of Mike Lupica as a timeless cosmic energy, a force of nature, maybe even a theological figure. Sort of like The Greek God of Dying Brain Cells and Sentence-Fragment Haiku. He mystically appears from thin air and everyone present can immediately feel the intelligence sucked from the room.

In this week's "Talking From The Ass" (or is it "Shooting from the Lip"), Lupica talks candidly about Opening Day at Ebbets Field in 1947, roughly five full years before he was born. He speaks about the Civil Rights impact of Robinson and even manages to toss in some Mets fluff, by pointing out that they were the "first, on board before anybody else", to support the Jackie Robinson Foundation. Mind you, that had nothing to do with the fact that the Mets are trying to pretend that they ARE the Dodgers, because their team started in the 60's and has no real history of it's own. The real point here is… Mike Lupica was not alive yet. He's sitting there and telling you what it was like to be there through it all, and he wasn't there. He's reading the same history that we are. HE'S A FIFTY-SIX YEAR-OLD, FOUR-FOOT NOTHING, WHITE GUY FROM BOSTON, THE MOST RACIST FUCKING CITY ON THE NORTH SIDE OF THE COUNTRY…WRITING AT LENGTH ABOUT JACKIE ROBINSON AND CIVIL RIGHTS!!!! Mike Lupica is trying to speak out against "The Man." Apparently someone forgot to tell him that HE IS "THE MAN."

But onto the really fun stuff.

If you believe the Knicks have had as many sellouts as they say they've had this season, you also still believe Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

I could point out the fact that this WMD joke is now roughly 5 years old. I could ask if Bill Maher writes all of Mike Lupica's jokes. I could even try to make the point that NOBODY reads the fucking Sports Section because they want to hear about Politics. Or I could make a list of the 1,738 times that Mike has commented on the "Knick Sellouts" at the Garden. Instead, I think I'll just punch myself in the face and run around my office screaming at the top of my lungs. Be right back.

Good grief, it wasn't the media who sensationalized Andy Pettitte's problems with HGH, No. 46 managed that all by himself. You know when Pettitte became a stand-up guy about HGH, now revered by all? When he got caught. As a matter of fact, Pettitte seems to come clean about drugs every time he's caught, either by Sen. Mitchell or by the I-Team of the Daily News.

I came back from screaming too soon, but I'll tough it out because I love you guys. Lupica has half a point here. It wasn't "the media" who sensationalized Andy Pettitte's problems with HGH. It was Mike Lupica. And only Mike Lupica. That's also why he's the ONLY FUCKING SPORTSWRITER IN NEW YORK WHO'S STILL TALKING ABOUT IT!!! You know who else got caught with drugs? Guillermo Mota. A couple of months before the Mets signed him to a new contract… and BACK LOADED the fucking contract so Mota wouldn't lose as much while serving his 50 game suspension. Pillars of the Baseball Community, those Mets. Jackie Robinson would be proud. Or he'd puke and roll over in his grave. One or the other.

Know who else did drugs?

The 1986 Mets.

All of them. Most of them were snorting coke though, so that doesn't count. Lenny Dykstra did steroids, but it wasn't for performance-enhancement. He just wanted the Roid Rage to help balance out his personality.

Should I mention Todd Hundley, Paul Lo Duca, Scott Schoenweis and Kirk Randomski? Randomski was one of the fucking dealers for chrissake! Nah, lets not.

Joe Torre is probably thinking he doesn't want this year's Dodgers to start out like last year's Yankees.

Or finish like last year's Mets.

Angel Pagan can stay.

Well thanks for your approval Mike. We'll fax it over to Willie Randolph and let him know.

Know who else should have stayed? Ruben Gotay. The 26-year old second baseman who hit .295/.351/.421 in 190 at bats last year, when the Mets had nobody else to play the spot. Instead, they DFA'd him to hand the job over to Luis Castillo who's season started out like this: .207/.324/.241 and has hit as many homers (four) in his last 1,161 at bats as Gotay had for the Mets in 2006. Did I mention that Castillo walks with a limp? Did I need to?

Did Chien-Ming Wang, like, not get the memo about him not being the Yankee ace anymore?

So now Mike Lupica thinks he runs the Mets AND the Yankees? He sent a memo to Chien-Ming Wang to tell him that he's not the ace any more? Do Hank and Hal know about this? I guess Chien-Ming Wang didn't understand the memo. He doesn't speak so much English. You know, I don't think there was a memo. I think Mike Lupica is imagining this shit. I also think that Chien-Ming Wang's 38 wins in 2006 and 2007 is the most in baseball by any pitcher over that span. More than even… Johan Santana!

In fact, in order to equal Wang's 38 wins in 2006 and 2007… we'd have to take Santana's wins from 2006 and 2007, and add Pedro Martinez's wins from 2007. Then we'd have 19 and 15 from Santana. And a whopping 3 from Pedro. That's 37. So lets add Santana's win from 2008. There, now we have 38.

But what about the 3 wins Wang already has in 2008? Well… I guess to match that we can just take the rest of the Mets Starting Pitchers from 2008. Oliver Perez has 1 win. John Maine has… oops… none. Nelson Figueroa has 1! El Duque? Nope. Jason Vargas? Nope… Ohhhh! Mike Pelfrey has a win! I almost didn't check his stats, seeing as he didn't win his first game last year until like… August.

So there you have it.

41 Yankee Wins
Chien-Ming Wang (2006 - Present) = 41 wins.

41 Met Wins
Johan Santana (2006, 2007) = 35 wins.
Pedro Martinez (2007 - Present) = 3 wins.
Entire Mets Starting Rotation (2008) = 3 wins