Not Like It's Hank's Team or Anything...

Since everybody loves a little roleplay, I'm going to pretend to be Mike Lupica deciding what to write about. Here we go.

Hmm… what should I write about? Well, lets see. What are the other people writing about. They're writing stories, stories about people, stories about people in sports! Some of them are writing about the Mets slow start and how their ancient players are falling apart and declining. That's no fun, and I mean… everybody's writing about that. The Rangers just advanced in the playoffs, but I'm not a big hockey guy (unless they win the Cup, then I'm Hockey Fan #1.) I know. I'll write about something that NOBODY ELSE IN TOWN is writing about!! Because I'm the Premier Sports Journalist in New York City! I'll write about Hank Steinbrenner!!!

I like to imagine that Mike Lupica is just oblivious to the fact that 10 other people at his own paper are covering the same story, except that they're smart enough not to pass judgment, because they realize that they're not experts. Mike, on the other hand, is an expert. A fucking dynamic expert who's never wrong. Except for when he gives his opinion on something, then he's pretty much wrong 100%.

It's not just Joba, either. Hank knows so much pitching now that he wants Mike Mussina to pitch more like Jamie Moyer. Why? Because he saw Moyer on television Saturday, that's why! Tim Wakefield hung in there and won for the Red Sox on Sunday. If Hank had caught that one on the dish, he might have been yelling for Mussina to start throwing knuckleballs.

Hahaha… fuckin' Hank! Hank's just watching that shit on TV! Good thing Hank didn't see Wakefield, or he might have gotten a hard-on! It's a good thing that Hank didn't watch Ace of Cakes on the Food Network… or he might want Mike Mussina to bake him a cake that looks like a 1957 Chevy Malibu!!!

People are overreacting about Mussina. If you subtract 3 at-bats by Manny Ramirez, Mussina's having a great year, and if the Yankees were hitting better, Mussina's probably 3-1 instead of 1-3. As a fan with a brain in my head, I understand this. However, as an OWNER who's paying this guy TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS, I'd probably be pretty pissed off. And if I was also the son of George Steinbrenner, I'd probably let you know that I'm pissed off by spouting some irrational shit.

Except… wait a minute. You mean that since Mussina's fastball is topping out in the mid-80's, Hank thinks he should slow down his breaking pitches? So that he can pitch effectively, sort of the way Moyer does with an 80 MPH fastball? Holy fuck! This just might work!!!! Well, fuck Hank for having a good idea about his $12 Million Dollar Pitcher anyway!

He doesn't sound like the owner of the Yankees, he sounds like a guy at the end of the bar sometimes. This time he was running his mouth on Joba the way Joba's fastball occasionally runs in on right-handed batters, saying that only "idiots" can't see he belongs in the starting rotation with 100-mph stuff, that if he were the big boss last summer he never would have let the Yankees - read: Brian Cashman - send Joba to the bullpen in the first place. Sounding like a caller to the radio now, another who has decided that Joba is the second coming of Bob Feller.

Where have you been Mike Lupica? The owner of the Yankees has ALWAYS sounded like a guy at the end of the bar! He's torn into his own players far worse than anything Hank's ever did. If you don't believe me, ask Hideki Irabu. I hear he's a server at Denny's now. Or better yet, ask Ed Whitson. The guy is a Steinbrenner, a real Steinbrenner! He's going to say irrational shit when he gets angry.

And come on Lupica… Bob Feller?! Bob Feller was 266-162 with a 3.25 ERA (ERA+ 122) in 18 seasons. He walked 1764 and struck out 2581 in 3827 innings. You should know… that here in Yankeeland, we have much higher expectations than that for Joba Chamberlain.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that if Joba Chamberlain doesn't win at least 700 games in his career, and strike out at least 10,000 hitters, and if he ever allows more than 1 run in a season, we're going to be very disappointed. And Hank will probably try to kill him.

It is not merely a bush-league, no-class thing to do, at any point in the season.

An owner with a $200 Million Dollar payroll (I know this because Mike told me once or twice…) should have NO SAY in how his team is run. You're absolutely correct! The General Manager having to answer to the Owner is fucking BUSH LEAGUE!!!!

All that is supposed to matter is that Hank, and an awful lot of Yankee fans, want him to be New York's Josh Beckett eventually and want that process to start yesterday.

Mike, Mike, Mike… how many times do I have to explain this. Josh Beckett is just not a good enough pitcher. In parts of 8 years, Beckett is 79-53 with a 3.76 ERA (ERA+ 116.) That's pretty good for a mortal man like Josh Beckett, but we're talking about JOBA CHAMBERLAIN!!! Do you know why they call him Joba? No? Well neither do I! But they call him Joba!! Have you ever met a guy named Joba before? Of course you haven't! Because it's not a real name. It's the kind of name that a God makes up for himself when he comes down from the Heavens in the body of a pitcher who intends to utterly dominate baseball.

I think I speak for all Yankee fans when I say that anything short of Sandy Koufax's seasons from 1963-1966 would be a major let-down. Joba is just going to have those crazy 26+ win, 1.70 ERA, 382 strikeouts in 335 innings, 0.855 WHIP years. Over and over and over again. Until he's like 50.

And if he doesn't, Hank is going to beat Brian Cashman to death with a baltine hammer for making him a relief pitcher.

It has been mentioned here, and more than once, that if Hank Steinbrenner, who loves being the big boss of the Yankees the way America loves "American Idol," really thought Santana was the one who was going to move the Yankees past the Red Sox and put them back on top, then he should have done something about it when Santana was still available.

People like that American Idol show!? Are you kidding me?! Everybody I talk to thinks it's balls. And another thing, aren't we eventually going to run out of PILLS to give to Paula Abdul? I don't mean "we", like you and me. I mean "we", like the fucking country. That girl is WHACKED OUT ON PILLS!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!

The reason the Yankees didn't trade for Johan Santana is because the Twins asked for Melky Cabrera, Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, Joe DiMaggio's monument, Paul O'Neill's first born son and Theo Ratiliff's expiring contract! Then they gave him away to the Mets for a 4th outfielder, 7 pounds of raw hamburger meat and a sleeve of Titleist golf balls. And Mike Lupica agreed that the Yankees were smart to refuse the trade. Probably because he was having wet dreams about Santana in Queens.

So in summary, the owner has opinions about the players he's paying. America loves American Idol. Mike Mussina probably can't bake a cake that looks like a '57 Chevy. And Joba Chamberlain is the ghost of Sandy Koufax. Everybody thank Mike Lupica for enlightening us to these lovely, and pertinent facts.