I Love Being Proven Right....

Did I tell you guys yesterday that Lupica has a fucking Roger obsession? Did he prove me right? I swear to fucking Christ, if this arrogant little prick isn't the most predictable force in ignorant sports journalism, I'll be fucked by a gorilla.

I don't know what I find more disgusting. The idea of Roger Clemens having sexual relations with a 15 year old girl...

Or the image of Mike Lupica masturbating furiously to pictures of The Rocket every time some new fact comes out in this page, as he moans things like, "Oh yeah Roger... you naughty boy. If you keep being so naughty I'll be as cool as Mitch Albom!!" and spraying his little dwarven seed all over his word processor.

Without even reading this article, I'm sure of three things.

1) Lupica will make a reference to politics, most likely the Clintons.
2) Lupica will make a reference to Jason Giambi.
3) There will be some obscure reference to pop culture from 25 years ago that nobody gets, but it will nevertheless become a central concept of the column.

So here we go...

So now he comes out with an apology about nothing, an artless, pathetic combination of lawyering and agenting that makes Clemens sound like Bill Clinton saying he did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.

And here's item number 1 on the checklist.

Bill Clinton didn't have sex with that woman. He let her hold his cigar. Does this really have anything to do with Roger Clemens? Nope.

This is the kind of apology that Jason Giambi originally gave when his testimony about using steroids, offered in front of the BALCO grand jury, was leaked to a newspaper.

Bingo! That's two out of three!!

For the six thousandth time Mike, everybody knew what Giambi was apologizing for. His confession to a Grand Jury was leaked to the papers. Giambi's vagueness was for the purpose of protecting the three years and about $60 Million that remained on his contract. And Giambi never really "lied" about taking drugs.

Clemens is lying about doping. And lying about screwing a 15-year old. And probably lying about 7,000 other things. And he was vague because he doesn't want to get sued. Regardless, this situation is very fucking different. You're the only one who doesn't understand that Mike.

There is a book that Dan Jenkins wrote called "Baja Oklahoma," and in it Jenkins lists his 10 stages of drunkenness. And the last two could apply to almost anything, to being drunk with power or celebrity or ego or even being President of the United States. On Jenkins' list No. 9 is invisible and 10? No. 10 is bulletproof.

I don't want to brag or boast... but "Baja Oklahoma" was published in 1981. That makes it roughly 27 years old. Now lets see if it becomes a recurring theme in the article. All we have to do is skip to the end...

He still thinks he is bulletproof. He's not. He must have thought that once he started swinging away, nobody else would swing back. That's not the way it works.

Emphasis is, of course, mine. Stage 10 of drunkenness according to Dan Jenkins' 27-year old book comes back again. Roger thinks he's bulletproof. That's stage 10!!!! Woo hooo!!

Here's my question. What in fucking hell do these 10 stages of drunkenness have to do with Roger Clemens? Is Lupica suggesting that Clemens is drunk?

Well, that would be the most reasonable explanation so far for why he started sticking it to a 15-year old girl.... guys do some crazy shit when they're drunk.