Lupica Tries (And Fails) To Get In Rivera's Pants

So the All Star game is finally upon us, and Lupica takes the opportunity to shit on the occasion, and to praise the only real closer in this town - Mariano Rivera.

We will make this more than it is this week at Yankee Stadium,

Three reasons why Lupica is annoyed by the All Star game getting overhyped:

1. It's a feel good story
2. It's actually about sports
3. It doesn’t involve ARod and Madonna

the last All-Star Game in the place, maybe the last great baseball occasion in the place if the Yankees don't find a way to make the playoffs this season.

By my calculations, there are at least 32 more great baseball occasions scheduled in Yankee Stadium - they are called games.

All the way until the last out Tuesday night, we will hype this up as if it were the Super Bowl of All-Star Games, or the Olympics, because it is the Stadium and it is the Yankees and it is New York and it is, after all, what we do here.

Considering most All Star games take place in new stadiums, it will be a refreshing change to hype up the stadium due to all its history.

We will, to the end, continue to call this The House That Ruth Built, even though it is not, it is not Babe Ruth's Yankee Stadium, not the one he saw from home plate or Joe DiMaggio saw or Yogi or The Mick.

Wrong. It is the same stadium. A facelift does not mean its not the same stadium. It's like when you wear lifts in your shoes - you may look different, but you are still the same asshole.

But there is one player who will participate in this game Tuesday night who does not have to be hyped up as he stands with one last collection of baseball stars and the baseball ghosts of this Stadium and the one before it that Derek Jeter is always talking about. And that player is No. 42 of the Yankees, the last player to wear Jackie Robinson's number in baseball:

Mariano Rivera.

Mo.

Well it certainly isn't Billy Wagner.

Fuck, Joes Reyes wasn’t even invited.

The beauty of baseball and the beauty of sports is that there is always a debate about this giant of the sport or that.

Or who is hanging out with Madonna.

Some will say that Ruth will always be the biggest player of them all, has to be, just because of the distance he put between himself and the rest of the field when he seemed to invent the home run in baseball at the same time he was inventing the Yankees.

Until someone can overpower the league with their hitting as well as their pitching, it will be Ruth. It was stupid for you to even compare Rivera to Ruth.

But there will be others who say that the best player of them all was the great Henry Aaron or Willie Mays and maybe someday - if he ends up getting enough rest to hit 800 home runs - some will say that Alex Rodriguez, Mr. Fun, was the best ballplayer of them all.

Mr. Fun?

As in, "opposite of Mike Lupica"?

Nevermind; that would be "Mr. Tall".

God forbid Lupica writes an article without taking a swipe at ARod.

He hasn't always been perfect,

Now Lupica is gonna remind us of Rivera's fuck ups? Gee, no one saw that coming.

because no one is, so there was the night when Sandy Alomar Jr. beat him in a game in the first round and helped knock the Yankees out and there was the bottom of the ninth in Game 7 against the Diamondbacks and there was the worst night of all, for him and his team, when he couldn't get the last three outs he needed against the Red Sox, Game 4 of '04, and keep the Red Sox down against the Yankees, where they had always been.

How is blowing game 4 in the 2004 in the ALCS, with a 3 games to 1 lead, worse than blowing game 7 in the 2001 world series?

Jeez, we still had 3 more chances in 2004; in 2001, that was it.

It does not change his standing, or his rank.

But, just for shits and giggles, Lupica had to bring it up anyway.

When he does come through the bullpen doors tomorrow night, whenever they play "Enter Sandman," when the place goes wild for him once more, understand something:
In this Yankee Stadium, in the rebuilt Stadium and not the one Ruth built,

Did I forget to mention that Ruth didn't build this version of the stadium?

He didn't really build the first version of it either; it was…laborers!!!

the man running toward the pitching mound is the greatest Yankee of them all.

I really feel Lupica wrote this to set fans up for a big let down, with Mike keeping his fingers crossed that Rivera would blow the lead.

Too bad it was Crapplebon and Wagner who both contracted a bad case of SUCK during the game last night.

James Dolan again, ARod again, Rivera again...

Sorry about the delay, my hard drive crashed this weekend...

This week's petcage lining was all about how James Dolan is sinking the Garden. Dolan's been doing this for about 6 years now, but somehow Lupica thinks it's headline news.

Once again, leave it to Lupica to rehash an old story!

I guess Lupica can't bash the Yankees because the Mets are looking so sad down in Florida. But, of course, he can slide in a Yankee payroll jab, even when discussing James Dolan!

Call it around a billion dollars spent on basketball and hockey. It is up there with what the Yankees have spent since they last won the World Series

Say it isn't so, Mike! Did you actually mention the "billion dollars" line, again, when referring to the Yankees?

So sad and predictable.

***

I'm not nearly as interested in daily updates on Carl Pavano as I originally thought I was going to be.

Really? Well then maybe you can spare us the mention of his name on a weekly basis?

By the way, you can call me a cockeyed optimist, but I think these recent "no comments" from A-Rod - on Derek Jeter, on Brian Cashman - are a sign of tremendous personal growth.

This coming from a man who stopped growing in the 5th grade.

What the hell does Lupica know about "growth"?

I don't care what Joe Torre's outfield rotation is this season, I just want Melky to play.

That's why you are a writer and not a manager of a sports team.

The Yankees probably were hoping Jonathan Papelbon - the MVP of the first half of the A.L. season a year ago - stayed in the rotation.

Because if Papelbon really was Plan A for the back of the Red Sox bullpen all along, there really was no Plan B. But then, there's no Plan B with the Yanks if anything ever happens to Mo.

What a genius.

Papelbon, aka "Plan A", was, as Lupica puts it, was the MVP of the first half of the season last year. What happened to the second half?

Injury - 22.1 innings pitched.

The Red Sox "Plan B" got them into 3rd place.

What happened to Rivera in the second half of last season?

Injury - 29 innings pitched.

The Yankees "Plan B" won them the division.

So Mike, ENOUGH WITH THE PLAN "A" - PLAN "B" CRAP!

Two weeks in a row we had to read about this - give it up already!!

Worry about the Mets "Plan A" - Wagner is getting smacked around like a little bitch in Spring Training.

Jeez if Rivera had a 5.73 ERA right now like Wagner, Lupica would write an article about it every day for a month!

The same exact article, no less, because Lupica writes the same crap all the time.

ARod, Yankee bashing, Mattingly, and yes, Rivera...

Holy Christ this guy is relentless. This guy is more obsessed with the Yankees than I am with Lupica's height!

Now THAT is sad.

This week’s Shooting From The Lip is all about how Lupica thinks Arod is sad because he gave up being a shortstop so he could play for the Yankees.

Right.

I’m sure Arod was all broken up about winning that MVP in 2005.

You know, his second year as a 3rd baseman.

And I don’t really think moving from shortstop to third base is as devestating as, say, watching all your friends grow taller with age while you stay the same height.

It was like Peyton Manning offering to let somebody else play quarterback.

Yes, the shortstop on a baseball team is considered the quarterback, and the third baseman is considered the waterboy.

You learn something new every day with the great Mike Lupica.

You know what I think would make him happy, whether the Yankees win the World Series this year or not?

Being a shortstop again.

Yes, I’m sure Arod would be much happier playing shortstop for the Kansas City Royals than winning the world series with the Yankees - who can argue with that logic?

Being a shortstop won't be enough to make A-Rod completely happy, might not be enough because you wonder if he could ever be loved enough, because for all his talent, he has the insecurities of an actress.

You want to see insecurity?

Watch Mike Lupica read that quote to Arod in a dark alley.

Do Mike a favor and bring a fresh pair of pants for him.

Childrens size 10-12.

And now, on to more Yankee bashing...

I keep waiting for the Yankees to announce that Don Mattingly is in the mix at first base.

What? Oh I get it - the Yankees have a lot of guys in the mix for first base.

Funny stuff.

You know what's even funnier?

After Jose Lima, Chan Ho Park and Aaron Sele, I’m waiting for the Mets to announce that Emiliano Mercado del Toro is in the mix for starting pitcher.

And I don't want to sound cynical, because it's not my nature, but what is Plan B if Mo Rivera finally does begin to show his age this season?

Yankees Plan B?

You have GOT to be kidding me.

I think you should worry more about the Mets Plan A.

You know, Billy “8.71 Post Season ERA” Wagner?

And how about the Red Sox?

Plan A was Papelbon…Plan B is now…Joel Piniero???

Rivera will be just fine. Oh sure, he’ll have that annual one week stretch in June or July where he blows two or three saves, and then you’ll get to hear about all this crap again from Lupica.

Are you as excited as I am?