Enough-DJ Gallo.com?

Maybe it's time... because D.J. Gallo over at ESPN Page 2 is becoming a regular contributor to this page. Contributor of stupid, hacky, stupid, shitty Yankee-bashing bullshit, that is.

The one thing that separates this from the usual stupid shit that I see though, is that this guy isn't bashing the Yankees. He's flat-out bashing Yankee FANS.

When Sox fans get all excited about Clay Buchholz or Jon Lester or Justin Masterson, that's A-Okay, but if Yankee fans are amped up about the first start of their All-World 22 year-old setup man, that's somehow wrong? And a reason to make shitty jokes at their expense?

As I assume you know -- being the good American you are -- Joba Chamberlain's first major league start is tonight. (OMG!!!)

Yeah, because obviously if you don't follow baseball, you're a fucking terrorist. OMG!!!ROFLWTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!111oneoneone!

This is obviously one of the biggest events in world history. I mean, he's a legitimate prospect … and he plays in New York … for the YANKEES! (OMG again!!!)

Yeah, obviously this is huge!! Cuz the Yankees NEVER march legitimate prospects out there. Wang and Cano? Fuckin' flukes. Melky? What a piece of shit. Pettitte and Mo Rivera? Flashes in the pan. And Jeter was a lucky grab, I mean... where'd they get that guy? In the 829th round of the draft?

The Yankees don't have homegrown guys like the Sox. Guys like Manny Ramirez, JD Drew, Coco Crisp, Mike Lowell, Julio Lugo, Jason Varitek and David Ortiz!! Guys who came up with the Sox. Wait... you mean they traded for... or bought all of those guys? No fuckin' way, bra! You're totally shitting me about this!!

Major World Event: Fall of the Berlin Wall, 1989
Why This is Bigger: It took the Germans several weeks to bring down a wall? Joba could have reduced it to dust in an instant with a single fastball. Heck, he could have done it with his changeup. And I don't mean now either. I mean he could have done it with his changeup back in 1989, when he was 4.

Yeah, because Joba is fuckin' King Kong man! Joba laid down to sleep once and his cock hit the ground. The earthquake that resulted killed 250,000 people and created the San Andreas fault! Ever since, Joba has slept standing up, like a mighty stallion!!

Major World Event: Written language first developed, c. 3500 BC
Why This is Bigger: Granted, the development of written language was a fairly big deal. But what has it really been good for all these years? We haven't had anything truly worthy of being described via written word. But now, thanks to Joba's arrival, we can let beautiful poetry spill out of us, and finally start accurately using adjectives like "perfect," "best," "greatest" and "kickassingest."

Yeah DJ Gallo! Plus without written words, how would stupid asshole douchebag fucking bandwagon Yankee fans like us congregate on fan boards to talk about how Joba is going to throw 7,400 innings a season and strike out 58.4 million batters in his career by throwing that Bugs Bunny Loop-de-loop Curveball mixed with his 8,349 MPH fastball?

And really, "kickassingest"? That's your fucking joke? Kickassingest? You really can't be fucking serious. Asskickingest? Can you at least give me that?

Major World Event: Albert Einstein publishes his theory of relativity, 1905
Why This is Bigger: Time travel is possible, eh? What a load of bunk. If time travel was possible, a Red Sox fan from the future would have already come to the present day to take Joba Chamberlain out because Joba is inevitably about to lead the Yankees to 20 consecutive World Series championships.

Actually, a Red Sox fan DID discover time travel in October of 2003, but then Aaron Boone sent that Wakefield offering into the upper deck, and that Sox fan got so fucking drunk on the mixture of Jagermeister, Peach Schnapps and his own tears that he forgot the secret to time travel. I'll give you guys a hint though.... 1.21 Gigawatts!! Which is also the amount of electricity generated by a bolt of lightning... or a Joba Chamberlain fastball.

Major World Event: The "Big Bang," 13.7 billion years ago
Why This is Bigger: Do you ascribe to the "Big Bang" theory? Fine. But something had to come before the big bang. And I know what it was: Joba threw a fastball off of God's batting helmet because he was crowding the plate.

HAHAHAHA!!!!! I GOT YOU NOW DJ GALLO!!!!

Joba Chamberlain couldn't POSSIBLY have thrown a ball at God's head... know why? BECAUSE JOBA CHAMBERLAIN IS GOD!!! The Sox are sooOOoOOooOoOo fucked!!

Major World Event: Yankee debut of Hensley Meulens, 1989
Why This is Bigger: Yeah, I think Joba's start will definitely have a greater long-term impact than Meulens' first game in pinstripes. Or so Yankees fans hope.

I'm not entirely sure I see the correlation between Chamberlain (1st Round Pick in 2006, Pitcher) and Hensley Meulens (International Free Agent, Outfielder).

Is this joke intended to imply that Chamberlain will falter as a starter and flame out of baseball? Because last I checked, if he's no good as a starter, the Yankees can still probably move him back to the bullpen, where he'll be our set-up man/closer for the next 15 years.

I think Jon Papelbon will definitely have a greater long-term impact than Izzy Alcantara's first game in a Sox Uniform! Or at least Red Sox fans hope.